Wednesday, July 27, 2011

How Can a Mother Give up Her Child?

She said: I've been blessed by adoption, but still, I don't understand how a mother can give up her child. I could never do that.

I said: You could never do that? How do you know?

She said: Because! I love my kids far too much. I would never do that to them.

I said: Hmm... then surely you love your children too much to ever diminish their history or deny them access to their roots.

A mother as loving as you doesn't feel the need to compete with her kid's first family, change her child's name, or withhold any contact with their birth family.

And - hallelujah! - you're not one of those adoptive parents who tries to pretend that the life and development and attachment and love and leaving that happened before you is insignificant.

You love your children far too much to do that to them.

Whew! Good to know.

Click here to purchase Sally's , What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
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9 comments:

theadoptedones said...

"But one thing is clear. You love your children too much to ever diminish their history or deny them access to their roots."

Great point...and of course she attends all adoptee rights protests to help to restore the adoptees right to a factual record of their birth...and also includes lobbying, testifying to legislatures, writing letters...

Mei Ling said...

Yeah, that's kind of what I'd like to say sometimes -

"You don't know what you "would" do because you have the economic class and privilege on your side which prevents harm from happening to you."

Anonymous said...

thats brilliant, thank you for saying that. we need more enlightened adoptive parents like you. we adoptees get a rough time too often because adoptive parents are frightened. its lovely to see that some really do put their adoptee's needs first.

Patti said...

Thank you :)

Lavender Luz said...

You make some excellent points about judging not lest we be judge!

I am said...

I find it interesting how often love and attachment are considered synonymous. Placing a child for adoption has nothing to do with giving up love. It's giving up attachment in the face of one's shortcomings or environmental obstacles. I have yet to meet a first parent who describes the emotional drive for their actions as "don't give a sh!t".

It isn't very popular in the USA to recognize that it's possible to love without possession, and letting go can be kinder than grasping.

LeMira said...

You always have a good way with words.

Theodore said...

@I am, that would be the case if we were using Roman or weak adoption, in which the blood ties are not denied, and the child belongs legally to both families, from the other side, that are also the better variants of foster care, doing the job for others, loving a child, feeding it, comforting it and never claiming it,...
Modern, Strong or American adoption always involves a strong element of child abandonment, and that is, at best, only the least evil.

Jason and Cheryl said...

Oh Sally, you have really hit the nail on the head with this entry. I can't begin to even tell you how many times people have asked me this question. It is amazing to me how many people will say that they could never give up (hate those words) their child for adoption. How does anyone know that for sure? They don't....if you aren't the one making the adoption plan, then you really don't need to understand the reasons behind one's decisions in regards to the welfare of their child. Love your posts...keep them coming !