The following is a revised version of something I posted three years ago. My understanding of and perspective on adoption continues to evolve. I hope it always will.
To spend any time in the adoption cyber-community is to be convinced
that first parents (almost) always want more openness than adoptive
parents. The majority of blogging first mothers and fathers are eager, sometimes desperate, for more contact, and they’re
simply waiting, impatiently waiting, painfully waiting for inclusion by the adoptive parents.
Many of the most vocal adoptees are either craving a deeper connection with their first families or mourning the realization that such a connection is erratic, inconsistent, unexpectedly toxic, ultimately unfulfilling, or will never be at all.
can relate. Boy, can I relate. Most days I want more from my children’s first families.
Most days I starve for information, details, history, stories, updates,
and contact. I want responses to my emails. I want emails that aren't just responses to mine. I want pictures of you as a baby, as a child, of you pregnant, of you holding your baby, and as you are now. I want
continuity that I don't have, that my kids don't have, that only you can
And yet, I hesitate. I don't ask for what I want. I keep hoping you will read my mind and feel the same and know how to do this relationship better than I do.
Most days I'm uncertain. Have I asked for
too much? Have I asked too soon? Have I gone too far, crossed a line,
rattled a cage, cut a tightrope, popped a bubble? Did I step on a crack?
What happens next? And when is next? Is it now? Why isn't it now?
Is this it? Is this all there will be? Is this enough for you? How will I know?
I'm afraid to ask for more because I'm afraid you'll say no, afraid you'll walk away, afraid of what I'll find. I'm afraid that after everything you've given, you'll give even more. For her. At your own expense. Because you don't want to say no. Because you don't want to be "that way." Because you love her.
Was it something I said?
Are you coming back?
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