tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36550294411466641802024-02-19T07:02:58.536-05:00The Adoptive ParentAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16430211503686641416noreply@blogger.comBlogger147125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-5454001114419872982018-12-15T14:46:00.000-05:002018-12-15T14:46:04.176-05:00New Website, New Blog SiteI've moved my blog to my new website. Let's talk there at <a href="https://www.theadoptiveparent.com/blog/" target="_blank">The Adoptive Parent.</a><br />
Peace,<br />
Sally Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16430211503686641416noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-50978658657018703382018-03-19T18:03:00.000-04:002018-03-20T07:56:33.535-04:0010 Reasons Adoptive Parents Shouldn't Change Their Child's NameI'm unsettled when adoptive parents change their child's name from their originally given name. So much is unknown; so much is unrecoverable. <em>Can't you let that remain intact?</em><br />
<br />
For my kiddos, here are 10 reasons why your father and I didn't do it (and never would).<br />
1. It's your name. <br />
2. It's one of the first things that was given to you. <br />
3. It's not ours to take away.<br />
4. It may have been spoken to you in the womb. It may have been one of the first words you ever heard.<br />
5. It was specifically chosen. For <em>you</em>. It was chosen for a reason, and even if you or I don't know the reason, the reason exists.<br />
6. It's a connection to your roots. Maybe you were named after a relative. Maybe after a character in a book or a teacher or a childhood friend. Maybe you'll never know, but it's a connection.<br />
7. It's what your first mother calls you when she thinks about you. <br />
8. It's what your first father calls you when he thinks about you.<br />
9. It tells you something about your first parents. It reveals something about their culture, their tastes, their sense of humor, the music they listened to... something.<br />
10. When/if you reunite, I want your first mother/father to know that we didn't erase them.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_oPxX-pDSZB-_wMNAh3_6CTbGsBZKP4-Slji5aLV-RktO6LjpsnQlDxcgVZ13dDVFPy9ZcsZhCk4tHysMHnsLxrOdbWIHjsL7Tsjq1JHY6vq0mGpghJMTPDsSKasfFqMdYxJ0CeT981Rd/s1600/Chalkboard-Eraser-and-Chalk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_oPxX-pDSZB-_wMNAh3_6CTbGsBZKP4-Slji5aLV-RktO6LjpsnQlDxcgVZ13dDVFPy9ZcsZhCk4tHysMHnsLxrOdbWIHjsL7Tsjq1JHY6vq0mGpghJMTPDsSKasfFqMdYxJ0CeT981Rd/s320/Chalkboard-Eraser-and-Chalk.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
<br />
Click here to purchase Sally's <a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" rel="tag" target="_blank">adoption book</a>, <span style="font-style: italic;">What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective</span>, in <a href="http://www.amazon.com/What-Want-Adopted-Child-Know/dp/144019436X/ref=tmm_pap_title_0" target="_blank">softcover</a>, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/What-Want-Adopted-Child-Know/dp/1440194386/ref=tmm_hrd_title_0" target="_blank">hardcover</a>, or <a href="http://www.amazon.com/What-Want-Adopted-Child-ebook/dp/B003PPDHDY/ref=pd_ts_kinc_5?ie=UTF8&s=digital-text" target="_blank">e-book</a> formats.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.sallybacchetta.com/" rel="tag" target="_blank">Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer</a><br />
<a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" rel="tag" target="_blank">The Adoptive Parent</a><br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/SallyBacchetta" rel="tag" target="_blank">Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel</a><br />
<a href="http://technorati.com/tag/Freelance+Writer" rel="tag">Freelance Writer</a><br />
<a href="http://technorati.com/tag/Parenting" rel="tag">Parenting</a><br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-85998439760272236442018-03-15T16:14:00.002-04:002018-03-19T20:43:31.580-04:00Should APs be there for the birth?<br />
I think not. Ever.<br />
<br />
No woman can predict 100% how she will feel about her child once it's no longer part of her body, when she can gaze and marvel and bond in a completely different way.<br />
<br />
Every woman should have the privacy and opportunity to reconsider. To change her mind; or not. To weep with joy at the first true understanding of what it means to be a mother. To realize that this <em>is </em>what she wants after all, and that she <em>is</em> enough and that she <em>will</em> find a way to make it work. <br />
<br />
Or to grieve a separation she believes she must make and will make and will live with for the rest of her life. To kiss the perfect lips, the feathery brows, the everything everywhere every inch while she can. To memorize the face that she may never see again, that will never look the same again.<br />
<br />
Our son's first mom asked me to be in the delivery room with her. She went into labor earlier than expected, and by the time I got there she was already pushing. Her father kept urging me to go in, but I couldn't. A nurse offered to escort me in, but I couldn't.<br />
<br />
I pressed my forehead and palms to the door and listened. I heard. I heard her bring him into the world. I heard his first cry. <br />
<br />
I will always have that, and it is more than enough. It's more than she has of him, and she was his mom before I was.<br />
<br />
<br />
Click here to purchase Sally's <a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" rel="tag" target="_blank">adoption book</a>, <span style="font-style: italic;">What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. </span><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.sallybacchetta.com/" rel="tag" target="_blank">Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer</a><br />
<a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" rel="tag" target="_blank">The Adoptive Parent</a><br />
<a href="http://technorati.com/tag/Freelance+Writer" rel="tag">Freelance Writer</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-56755411230960761502018-03-08T07:02:00.002-05:002018-03-08T08:15:19.392-05:00I Have Your SocksYou've outgrown your socks again. I noticed them riding just above the bottom of your heel this morning.<br />
<br />
The socks you wore new the first day of school. The socks thrust forward as you practice your front kick. The socks you stained like pitch when you "rescued" a snail from a mulch bed in a rainstorm and snuck out a few minutes later - forgetting your shoes - because you were worried there might be others out there that wouldn't survive the storm.<br />
<br />
I love your socks.<br />
<br />
I love them because they're yours. I love them because they touch you and hold you and shape to you.<br />
<br />
I have your socks. <br />
<br />
I wonder if your first mom wishes she did.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16430211503686641416noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-14400389037059131112018-03-07T16:17:00.000-05:002018-03-07T16:17:32.121-05:00Back to bloggingAfter a loooong time away I'm blogging again. Here and also at <a href="http://iwasamuchbetterparentbeforeihadkids.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">I Was a Much Better Parent Before I Had Kids</a>. <br />
<br />
I'm looking forward to connecting/re-connecting with you!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16430211503686641416noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-69899127506640036932014-11-04T07:55:00.003-05:002014-11-04T07:55:46.933-05:00Best-selling Adoption Book on Sale (Kindle)The Amazon Kindle e-book version of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/What-Want-Adopted-Child-Know-ebook/dp/B003PPDHDY/ref=sr_1_1_twi_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1415104868&sr=8-1&keywords=sally+bacchetta" target="_blank"><i>What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective</i></a> is available for just $2.99 during the month of November.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" target="_blank">Sally</a> <br />
<br /><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16430211503686641416noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-52198562471118545212014-11-03T07:50:00.000-05:002014-11-05T14:57:04.121-05:00Frozen (adoption-style)<i>I wrote this post sometime this past spring, and I didn't post it until now because I've been... well, frozen.</i><br />
<br />
I've been frozen for too long.
Frozen because any movement is risky.
Frozen because most everything I see and hear and read and feel in Adoptoland makes sense enough until I move in any direction. The slightest shift springs a crack that splits into 2, then 4, then 8, which spread like a spider army marching, marching, marching in all directions at once, until everything cracks and nothing bears weight and I'm drowning once again.
I'm bone weary of talking about adoption.<br />
<br />
I stay out of the adoption cybersphere for months, and then on a brisk, sunny day in early spring I'm pulled back in by Claudia's piece about <a href="http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/birthmother-gaslighting-manipulation-by-the-adoption-industry/">Gaslighting</a>.
I love reading Claudia's thoughts. And I'm jealous. Jealous because the whole world gets to know what Claudia thinks and feels, and I don't get to know squat about my kids' first moms. Oh sure, I know demographic details, I know superficial things about them and their families, but I don't know anything that matters. I don't know how they feel when they look at the pictures we send. I don't know what blogs they read. I don't know if they're planting a garden, taking a class, resenting me...
I know more what strangers think and feel than I do my own kids' first moms. That's messed up. Frozen.
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16430211503686641416noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-22689969083677854242014-03-24T09:25:00.000-04:002014-03-24T09:25:43.606-04:00Jeni's GoneThe world has lost an <a href="http://98.139.21.31/search/srpcache?ei=UTF-8&p=jeni+flock+obituary+atlanta&pvid=2EkOcTk4LjHEtg4WUzARpgSbNzQuNlMwL9X_85YY&fr=yfp-t-901&u=http://cc.bingj.com/cache.aspx?q=jeni+flock+obituary+atlanta&d=4621484907823913&mkt=en-US&setlang=en-US&w=Qzpl-njgYxA1m5OtVJ8Y6F4ENkexL5mD&icp=1&.intl=us&sig=p2LA5qTBe4tM6UDXMVpYWw--">amazing force and friend</a>. I'm too sad.
<a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com">Sally </a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16430211503686641416noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-39518596559603707792013-11-20T09:29:00.001-05:002013-11-20T09:29:20.184-05:00Open Note to Absent First MothersDespite the impression the media likes to give, it's not always the adoptive parents who break off the relationship.<br>
<br>Sometimes we do everything we can to stay connected, and after 2, 3, several years it's the first mother who drops off the radar; doesn't return calls; ignores emails; stops sending pictures and letters; no-shows our get-togethers. <i>Takes herself</i> out of the child's life.<br>
<br>I "get" (as well as I can) a first mother's need to do that. But it's upsetting for the child. As abandonment issues go, it's pretty high on the pain scale.<br>
<br>I'm not asking anyone to justify their feelings or actions.<br>
<br>I'm just saying.<br>
<a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com">Sally </a>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16430211503686641416noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-86501729295217828962013-07-17T16:59:00.001-04:002013-07-19T16:19:54.729-04:00Casey's Story<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When John Brooks first
emailed me I didn't respond. I read his request to share his family's
story here, and for a while, I just did nothing. It's summer
vacation, and my kids and I are living the life with trail hikes and
fresh berries, fireflies and flying kites, we're painting rocks and
rocking out in our wading pool air band, and it's nothing about
adoption or adoptive parenting or having been adopted, and then
here's this stranger... this, this </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>father</i></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">...
and I know he's trying to help other people heal, but his experience as an adoptive parent was (thankfully) very
different from my own. It's awfully sad, and I think about how each
time I slip down the slope it takes more out of me, and I'm afraid
one of these times I won't be able to climb back up, so I don't write
back. </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But his story tugs like
a plaintive child. And I think of <a href="http://mystere1998.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Myst</a> and Von and <a href="http://www.peaceofcricket.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Christina</a> and
<a href="http://www.declassifiedadoptee.com/" target="_blank">Amanda</a> and Linda Lou Who and <a href="http://everyoneactdead.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">Ariel</a> and <a href="http://everyoneshutupbutme.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Jeni</a> and other people who reveal adoption's disturbing underbelly... and the children I know who were adopted from orphanages. And Casey.
So here it is: <i>Casey's Story</i> by guest blogger John Brooks, with gratitude to him for reaching out and telling it. </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Casey's Story </b></span><br />
<br />
<div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ours
was a familiar story. My wife, Erika, and I turned to adoption in
1991. We thought surely there were millions of babies out there in
need of two loving people desperate to be parents. Then we learned
about the realities of adoption. A foreign adoption seemed our best
bet, but options were limited then. To improve our chances, we’d
need to be open to an “older” or “special needs” child. This
was not how we envisioned starting a family, but we wanted to be
parents. </span>
</div>
<div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A
chance encounter with another adoptive family steered us to an
adoption attorney in Warsaw, Poland. Erika was of Polish descent and
spoke the language. Maybe this was our chance. In a late night phone
call to Warsaw from our home in Connecticut, the attorney was
sympathetic but discouraging. She had a long backlog of clients and
available children were scarce. What about an “older” or “special
needs” child, Erika asked. It was then that we first heard about a
fourteen-month-old girl in a rural orphanage. In a matter of five
short months, we’d rushed through home studies and background
checks before boarding a <i>LOT</i> flight to Poland to receive our
daughter, who we’d named Casey. It was nothing less than a miracle.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_emPGHmMhJndj3yVD0f6UJTNf6aeJO6XoYbNDJfxjlBk3ps7Z9SbjioEI_3AsPlnyL8u8GbQ18jLg5EDPDO6j4aW9PNSgbeGkarzoBn3cM5wF2elKSML872w1G6k6iJhQV8alCq8-XNuj/s1600/Casey+photos_0001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_emPGHmMhJndj3yVD0f6UJTNf6aeJO6XoYbNDJfxjlBk3ps7Z9SbjioEI_3AsPlnyL8u8GbQ18jLg5EDPDO6j4aW9PNSgbeGkarzoBn3cM5wF2elKSML872w1G6k6iJhQV8alCq8-XNuj/s320/Casey+photos_0001.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
</div>
<div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="JUSTIFY">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Casey was
an unwanted pregnancy, a three-pound preemie whose twin sister had
been stillborn. She went straight from the delivery room to an
incubator to an orphanage in Mrągowo in Poland’s northern lake
district. At fourteen months, she was withdrawn, listless, unable to
sit, crawl or feed herself. Medical records were scant. But to us she
was perfect; nothing that two able bodied Americans couldn’t fix
with love. </span>
</div>
<div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div align="JUSTIFY" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Indeed
in the years that followed, it seemed that a loving home was all
Casey needed. We moved from Connecticut to the San Francisco Bay Area
where she transformed into a bright, spirited, charming little girl. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKlLv8p1RcT7jHBWg9-pjBcdVLVpMwvYheKd7PdBOEaE7nRAaJ4EiuvZo_cRQ5gH5He_FBHkpOufOj_fom29pa6v496DRuqDzUJc0zhI6nM2ep5oSj836bOb3ESuFUT1OO8Wr70Mi_DOvz/s1600/Casey+photos_0003.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKlLv8p1RcT7jHBWg9-pjBcdVLVpMwvYheKd7PdBOEaE7nRAaJ4EiuvZo_cRQ5gH5He_FBHkpOufOj_fom29pa6v496DRuqDzUJc0zhI6nM2ep5oSj836bOb3ESuFUT1OO8Wr70Mi_DOvz/s320/Casey+photos_0003.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> But in the privacy of our home, things were often different - violent
tantrums, crying jags, defiance. We looked for answers from friends,
pediatricians, therapists, counselors and pastors, but were assured
repeatedly that Casey was just high-strung; she’d grow out of it.
In the meantime, we had to be tough with her. Though fully aware of
her abandonment and adoption, the professionals never explored the
matter.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At
seventeen, Casey gained early admission to Bennington College in
Vermont with a bright future ahead. She wanted to make a difference
in the world. </span>
</div>
<div align="JUSTIFY">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div align="JUSTIFY">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But she
never made it. </span>
</div>
<div align="JUSTIFY">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div align="JUSTIFY">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5vT26yBj2ZD4vYQzUssBqP6U210ev7vyyBFrQnP3-10vC5kA3jPNjgJ3Ix74ZeUCesgtkGt5kuYxeep3JMqT9AlMm5QRc-Tji81tSl2kMbaMdwga6gyNS1u5TKwD8CifPPA8PZW_31QWA/s1600/IMG_0075.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5vT26yBj2ZD4vYQzUssBqP6U210ev7vyyBFrQnP3-10vC5kA3jPNjgJ3Ix74ZeUCesgtkGt5kuYxeep3JMqT9AlMm5QRc-Tji81tSl2kMbaMdwga6gyNS1u5TKwD8CifPPA8PZW_31QWA/s320/IMG_0075.JPG" width="240" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Just five
months shy of her high school graduation, she took the keys to our
car, drove to the Golden Gate Bridge and jumped. </span>
</div>
<div align="JUSTIFY">
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Drowning
in grief, I looked for answers. How could this have happened? What
did everyone miss? What could we have done differently? I went to the
library and scoured the Internet for everything I could find on
adoption, something I’d never thought to do before. I learned about
attachment disorders that can have a devastating effect on orphaned
children. It explained everything – the angel at school and the
tyrant at home, the tantrums, crying jags, low self-esteem and
defiance, things that she kept carefully hidden behind a suit of
armor from parents, therapists and friends. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How could
everyone have been so blind?</span></div>
<div align="JUSTIFY">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div align="JUSTIFY">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I
connected with other parents of children adopted from foreign
orphanages and heard similar stories. Some stumbled onto appropriate
treatments whereas others, like us, were left in the dark. Adoption
and attachment experts shared with me the therapies and parenting
techniques that have proven effective in dealing with the unique
emotional needs of orphaned children. This information was in the
public domain, yet everyone involved in Casey’s short life missed
it. </span>
</div>
<div align="JUSTIFY">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div align="JUSTIFY">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I can’t
have another Casey, a do-over. She was one of a kind. But regardless
of the tragic outcome, I’ll always consider myself the luckiest guy
in the world to have been her dad for sixteen of her seventeen years. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6S_vFzRDAxnSJ4bg3OVuTfAJiq1BpaZkjtsshyiJRyyQZcAVxoiMqvgpbXK45IWv5dYoIDdXGpDolkpb5W-J1vxtkNbgBzoF9EvUnEnPUJgzNl5mFVSq6twAJGe_5B8ZyTf6Zx0ZHaKj6/s1600/P1010009.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6S_vFzRDAxnSJ4bg3OVuTfAJiq1BpaZkjtsshyiJRyyQZcAVxoiMqvgpbXK45IWv5dYoIDdXGpDolkpb5W-J1vxtkNbgBzoF9EvUnEnPUJgzNl5mFVSq6twAJGe_5B8ZyTf6Zx0ZHaKj6/s320/P1010009.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span>
</div>
<div align="JUSTIFY">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div align="JUSTIFY">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">From her
death we learned that adoptees can be exposed to disorders that are
still misunderstood by many professionals. Not every adoptee has
attachment issues, but for those who do, treatment can be illusive. </span>
</div>
<div align="JUSTIFY">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div align="JUSTIFY">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Other
adoptive parents who may struggle with what we did can use our story
as a learning experience. Acknowledge your child’s loss, parent her
in a way that may not be intuitive to you, get her the right kind of
help. Just “loving her enough” may not be enough. </span>
</div>
<div align="JUSTIFY">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div align="JUSTIFY">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hopefully,
that will save a precious life. </span>
</div>
<div align="JUSTIFY">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div align="JUSTIFY">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><u><b>About
the Author</b></u></span></div>
<div align="JUSTIFY">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">John
Brooks is a former senior media financial executive who has turned to
writing, suicide and adoption advocacy since Casey’s death in 2008.
He recently completed a memoir about his experience as an adoptive
father and his journey to understand his daughter’s suicide, titled
</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>The Girl Behind
The Door: My Journey Into The Mysteries Of Attachment.</i></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">
He also writes a blog, <a href="http://parentingandattachment.com/">Parenting
and Attachment</a>. </span></div>
<div align="JUSTIFY">
<br />
<br /></div>
<div align="JUSTIFY">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/">Sally</a>
</span>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16430211503686641416noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-47338558130566598462013-04-26T05:58:00.000-04:002013-06-02T09:56:44.682-04:00Please Read Ariel's Blog<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">If you haven't found <a href="http://everyoneactdead.wordpress.com/2013/04/26/quiet-down/comment-page-1/#comment-238" target="_blank">Ariel's blog</a> yet, please go there today. </span>Her voice is essential to the adoption conversation.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">She writes: <i>Even all these months later, it doesn’t take a lot for grief to
overpower me. I don’t know how to think about him, this little person
that I can’t bring myself to address anymore, and not have it ruin my
day. </i><i>I’m starting to think that a blog is not enough as an outlet. I hoped
it could be enough, but it has also enabled me in ignoring my feelings
and never talking about him in real life, which doesn’t lend well to my
sanity. But I can’t do anything else, not when everyone else is
completely fine with the omissions, and I am literally the only one who
notices a big hole everywhere.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Adoptive parents, we need to listen... </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<a href="http://www.sallybacchetta.com/" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Sally Bacchetta</span></a><br />
<a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The Adoptive Parent</span></a><br />
<a href="https://plus.google.com/116436256725507023337/" rel="me" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">My Google Profile+</span></a>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16430211503686641416noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-7339695435737432802013-03-27T16:58:00.002-04:002013-06-02T09:57:14.165-04:00Open & Closed<i><span style="font-family: inherit;">The following is a revised version of something I posted three years ago. My understanding of and perspective on adoption continues to evolve. I hope it always will.</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">To spend any time in the adoption cyber-community is to be convinced
that first parents (almost) always want more openness than adoptive
parents. The majority of blogging first mothers and fathers are eager, sometimes desperate, for more contact, and they’re
simply waiting, impatiently waiting, painfully waiting for inclusion by the adoptive parents. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Many of the most vocal adoptees are either craving a deeper connection with their first families or mourning the realization that such a connection is erratic, inconsistent, unexpectedly toxic, ultimately unfulfilling, or will never be at all.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I
can relate. Boy, can I relate. Most days I want more from my children’s first families.
Most days I starve for information, details, history, stories, updates,
and contact. I want responses to my emails. I want emails that aren't just responses to mine. I want pictures of you as a baby, as a child, of you pregnant, of you holding your baby, and as you are now. I want
continuity that I don't have, that my kids don't have, that only you can
provide.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And yet, I hesitate. I don't ask for what I want. I keep hoping you will read my mind and feel the same and know how to do this relationship better than I do. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Most days I'm uncertain. Have I asked for
too much? Have I asked too soon? Have I gone too far, crossed a line,
rattled a cage, cut a tightrope, popped a bubble? Did I step on a crack?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">What happens next? And when is next? Is it now? Why isn't it now? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Is this <i>it</i>? Is this all there will be? Is this enough for you? How will I know?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm afraid to ask for more because I'm afraid you'll say no, afraid you'll walk away, afraid of what I'll find. I'm afraid that after everything you've given, you'll give even more. For her. At your own expense. Because you don't want to say no. Because you don't want to be "that way." Because you love her. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Was it something I said?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Are you coming back?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Click here to purchase Sally's <a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/book.htm" rel="tag" target="_blank">adoption book</a>, <span style="font-style: italic;">What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.sallybacchetta.com/" target="_blank">Sally Bacchetta</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" target="_blank">The Adoptive Parent</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="https://plus.google.com/116436256725507023337/" rel="me" target="_blank">My Google Profile+</span></a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16430211503686641416noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-10731517150385698922013-03-13T14:04:00.003-04:002013-06-02T10:04:51.400-04:00"Scary" Adoption Blogger #2<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One of my 2013 resolutions is to highlight 13 people whose Truth challenges me, unsettles me, and yes, sometimes scares me. Their Truths confront my misconceptions, and I am better for it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Scary" Adoption Blogger #2 is Ariel and her blog <a href="http://everyoneactdead.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">i miss you</a>. Ariel writes with a beautiful voice. She is raw, clear, and authentic.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Each time I visit her blog I hope her son grows to know her. She's quite something. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;"></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.sallybacchetta.com/" target="_blank">Sally Bacchetta</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" target="_blank">The Adoptive Parent</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="https://plus.google.com/116436256725507023337/" rel="me" target="_blank">My Google Profile+</a></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16430211503686641416noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-22042129858106022542012-12-29T12:28:00.004-05:002013-06-02T10:06:20.664-04:0013 "Scary" (for me) Adoption Bloggers I Love <span style="font-family: inherit;">2012 has
been a difficult year for me with regard to adoption. I have felt a lot like my
almost-eight year-old, whose assessment of the world changes all the time and seems to
depend mostly on what kind of day she’s having. I am almost eight years-old as a parent – adoptive parenting, specifically – and my understanding and
experience of adoption changes all the time, sometimes depending on what kind
of day I’m having and sometimes depending on what kind of day someone else is
having. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Citizens
of Adoptoland often talk about their Truth. This year I struggled to recognize
mine. Not the core, but all the rest of it that surrounds the core and colors
my days. I struggled with this because Truth doesn’t live in a vacuum; it lives
in context<span style="font-size: small;">, and i</span>n this case, the context is Adoptoland,<span style="font-size: small;"> w</span>here the terrain is well defined.
Where the (battle) lines are so clearly drawn, the teams so fervently distinct<span style="font-size: small;">,</span>
and the opinions so passionately defended that it seems nearly impossible to accept
one Truth without rejecting another, to support someone without injuring
someone else. To embrace my Truth without denying someone else’s. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">I lost my Truth
because I forgot I never had one to begin with. Not <i>one</i>.<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>My Truth
is <i>many</i>. And the many often don’t get along and they almost never make sense
together. My Truth is disorderly, disjointed, and disharmonious. That’s just
how it is. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">I am an
adoptive parent doing my best and finding my way. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">I love my
children.<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>I love
their first families. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">I read things about adoption that I don’t understand and can’t relate to<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: small;">; </span>I read things that make me want to turn away; <span style="font-size: small;">I read things that haunt me, things that make me laugh, things that <span style="font-size: small;">give me hope.</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">I sometimes
write things other people don’t understand and can’t relate to. I sometimes write things that make people angry or defensive or relieved<span style="font-size: small;">.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Some days
I hate adoption and wish i<span style="font-size: small;">t would go away. S</span>ome days I don’t.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">That is <a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" target="_blank">MyTruth.</a></span> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;">One of my
2013 resolutions is to highlight 13 of the people whose Truth challenges me<span style="font-size: small;">, for <span style="font-size: small;">theirs are the voices that s<span style="font-size: small;">hake <span style="font-size: small;">and unsettle me, and their<span style="font-size: small;"> Truths help shape my own. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span>I'm calling it 13 "Scary" (for me) Adoption Bloggers I Love<span style="font-size: small;">,</span> not because they <span style="font-size: small;">themselves are "scary," but because <span style="font-size: small;">I am sometimes scared by their Truth. <span style="font-size: small;">(If you plan to make a big <span style="font-size: small;">hairy deal of <span style="font-size: small;">how I titled this post, <span style="font-size: small;">please spare me. This is <i>my</i> Truth. Remember?)</span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Since I’m aiming
to do one a month and there are only 12 months in a year, I’m starting a few
days early with <a href="http://www.musingsofthelame.com/" target="_blank">Claudia</a>.<span style="font-size: small;"> </span>Claudia
writes often and shares her truth plainly. She and I came to adoption from different
places, and I am scared spitless by some of her posts and deeply hurt by others.
I also have a deeper appreciation for Claudia<span style="font-size: small;"> </span> and her Truth than I expect
anyone to understand. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Claudia’s
blog is <a href="http://www.musingsofthelame/" target="_blank">Musings of the Lame.</a></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">I especially
hope you will read her <a href="http://www.musingsofthelame.com/2012/11/the-craigslist-adoption-truth-project.html" target="_blank">R<span style="font-size: small;">EAL Truth About Adoption Campaign </span></a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">and <a href="http://www.musingsofthelame.com/2009/09/10-things-i-wish-i-knew-before-adoption.html" target="_blank">29Things I Wish I Knew Before Adoption Entered My Life</a> posts. I would like to know how <span style="font-size: small;">you are affected by her words<span style="font-size: small;">.</span></span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Best
wishes for all of us in 2013!</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal;"></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.sallybacchetta.com/" target="_blank">Sally Bacchetta</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" target="_blank">The Adoptive Parent</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="https://plus.google.com/116436256725507023337/" rel="me" target="_blank">My Google Profile+</span></a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16430211503686641416noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-49474911233820542492012-12-06T19:50:00.001-05:002013-06-02T10:08:22.414-04:00This Adoptive Parent's Christmas List1. Pictures and letters from my children's first mothers. They need them.<br />
<br />
2. Truth and transparency between expectant mothers considering adoption<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">, </span>prospective adoptive parents, adoptive parents, first parents, and adoptees.<br />
<br />
3. Tax credits for women who choose to parent and raise their child(ren), equal to the Adoption Tax Credit available to adoptive parents. There should not be more financial support for people who adopt than for the women who bear the children.<br />
<br />
4. More support and better protection for first fathers who want to parent/would want to parent if they knew. <br />
<br />
5. That everyone who reads this will read the post, <a href="http://www.musingsofthelame.com/2012/12/the-reality-of-adoption-2012.html" target="_blank">The Reality of Adoption 2012</a>. <br />
<br />
What's on your list?<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.sallybacchetta.com/" target="_blank">Sally Bacchetta</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" target="_blank">The Adoptive Parent</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="https://plus.google.com/116436256725507023337/" rel="me" target="_blank">My Google Profile+</span></a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16430211503686641416noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-33136135999153584342012-10-18T19:03:00.002-04:002013-06-02T10:10:29.722-04:00What's It Gonna Take To Put This Baby In Your Family Today?<div class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<span style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This just came across my desk:</span></span></span></span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> I have a 1/2 Caucasian, 1/2 African American baby girl due December 11, 2012. Her birth mother has continued to smoke a pack a day throughout the pregnancy and smoked marijuana 2-3 times per week during the first two months of pregnancy. Birth father smokes marijuana 4-5 times a week. If you know anyone who may be interested please contact me at...</span></span></span></span></i></div>
<div class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<br /></div>
<div class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
</div>
<div class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Is that typical of the messages adoption agencies and social workers receive? </span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<br /></div>
<div class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">First off, <i>you </i>don't have a baby girl, and there is no <i>birth mother </i>in what you're saying. There is a pregnant woman and the baby inside her.</span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<br /></div>
<div class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And this: "If you know anyone who may be interested<i>...</i>" Seriously? Pull up your PAP spreadsheet and see who checked off "open to mixed race" and "will consider drug history." </span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"> </span></div>
<div class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<br /></div>
<div class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Is that how <i>we</i> were "matched?" What about all the warmandfuzzy be-patient-your-baby-will-find-you crooning whitewash? </span></div>
<div class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
</div>
<div class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Seeing it laid out like that... I feel like I'm going to retch. What is the matter with people?</span></span></span></span><br />
</div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Click here to purchase Sally's <a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" rel="tag" target="_blank">adoption book</a>, <span style="font-style: italic;">What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.sallybacchetta.com/" target="_blank">Sally Bacchetta</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" target="_blank">The Adoptive Parent</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="https://plus.google.com/116436256725507023337/" rel="me" target="_blank">My Google Profile+</a></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16430211503686641416noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-33951799116048010562012-10-12T10:11:00.000-04:002013-06-02T10:13:45.495-04:00My "Openness" Post in Adoption Voices Magazine<span style="font-family: inherit;">Many thanks to Jane Ballback and her team at <a href="http://adoptionvoicesmagazine.com/" target="_blank">Adoption Voices Magazine</a> for publishing my post, <a href="http://adoptionvoicesmagazine.com/parents-perspective/openness-as-a-state-of-mind/" target="_blank">"Openness as a State of Mind." </a> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Click here to purchase Sally's <a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" rel="tag" target="_blank">adoption book</a>, <span style="font-style: italic;">What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.sallybacchetta.com/" target="_blank">Sally Bacchetta</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" target="_blank">The Adoptive Parent</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="https://plus.google.com/116436256725507023337/" rel="me" target="_blank">My Google Profile+</a></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16430211503686641416noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-9098079924773768562012-10-02T14:03:00.002-04:002013-06-02T10:13:26.833-04:00Nothing to Do with Adoption<div class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent" style="font-family: inherit;">When I trip and slam my eye into the corner of a granite counter top
and my eye swells nearly closed and I darn near pass out from the pain
of the hit and the effort of holding in the long string of expletives
jockeying around in my mouth, my three year-old rushes to my side, bends
down close to my face and says, "Mom! I told you three times can I
please have some more milk!" </span></span></div>
<div class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent" style="font-family: inherit;">Isn't it nice to be needed?</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Click here to purchase Sally's <a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" rel="tag" target="_blank">adoption book</a>, <span style="font-style: italic;">What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
<a href="http://www.sallybacchetta.com/" target="_blank">Sally Bacchetta</a></span><br />
<a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The Adoptive Parent</span></a><br />
<a href="https://plus.google.com/116436256725507023337/" rel="me" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">My Google Profile+</span></a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16430211503686641416noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-65460914015635513512012-04-13T09:05:00.000-04:002013-06-02T10:14:19.803-04:00Is it (Ever) OK to Complain About the Expense of Adoption?<span style="font-family: inherit;">One of the comments on my previous post (Open Letter to Prospective Adoptive Parents [PAPs]) was this, from <a href="http://mom2reagan.blogspot.com/" rel="tag" target="_blank">Reagan and Trevor's Mommy</a>:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-style: italic;">I have to defend the talking about expense discussions. It is a common complaint for most everything related to infertility. Most of the expense complaints I hear and my personal expense complaint have everything to do with how unfair it is that infertiles typically have to spend crazy amounts of money to become parents and it is a bitter pill to swallow. It is unfair and deserves to be acknowledged whether it be the expense of IVF or the expense of adoption.</span> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I've been thinking about her comments and asking myself, "Is it OK to complain about the expense of adoption?" I still say no. For the most part. And here are my Top 10 reasons why (in random order):</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">1. It's insensitive. </span> A parent who places a child for adoption faces incomprehensible losses for the rest of their life. You can make more money. They can't re-make the child they lose. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">2. It's crass. </span> 'Nuff said.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">3. It positions your child as a commodity.</span> There are plenty of people in the <span style="font-style: italic;">business of adoption </span> who see your child as a commodity. You shouldn't be one of them.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">4. It's not anyone else's problem.</span> It's not. Life is hard. Infertility is devastating. The costs of adoption are prohibitive and ridiculous. I get it. I do. But it's not anyone else's problem.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">5. It smacks of entitlement.</span> Any complaint about the cost of adoption implies that it should cost less or be free. Why? Because you want it? Because you need to save your money for something else? Because you'd be a great parent, but you can't afford to adopt? Again, I get it. But we're not entitled to anything. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">6. It breeds resentment.</span> Between expectant mothers and potential adoptive parents, between adoptive parents and first parents, between friends, etc.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">7. It's not anyone else's problem.</span> See #4.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">8. It's a waste of time.</span> When women started fighting back against the barbarism of the Baby Scoop Era, someone figured out other ways to exploit adoption and make it profitable. Unless and until large numbers of adoptive parents and PAPs seriously join the fight to reform adoption, complaining about the costs is a waste of time. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">9. Someday your child may read your words.</span> Can you imagine how they would feel?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">10. It's a distraction.</span> When you're a PAP, the wait is bone-deep <span style="font-style: italic;">agonizing</span>. Every baby shower invitation and announcement of a friend's pregnancy is like a telephone pole being driven through your gut. <span style="font-style: italic;">I remember.</span> Money is a convenient lightning rod for anguish, anxiety, fear, and frustration. But complaining about money is a distraction from more important things like getting to know some first parents, adoptive parents and adoptees and talking to them and reading their blogs to learn how adoption has impacted them (both positively and negatively) throughout their lives. Like researching the history of adoption and getting involved with adoption reform. Like volunteering with organizations that offer support to expectant mothers and mothers who need help to be able to raise their child/ren. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">All that being said, it is financially expensive to adopt a child, and of course, PAPs need to talk about the cost. But those conversations should be kept private. Complain and fret to each other over breakfast. Unload your financial frustrations to your social worker or attorney. For crying out loud, keep it out of cyberspace. Please. It diminishes everyone. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Click here to purchase Sally's <a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" rel="tag" target="_blank">adoption book</a>, <span style="font-style: italic;">What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.sallybacchetta.com/" target="_blank">Sally Bacchetta</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" target="_blank">The Adoptive Parent</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="https://plus.google.com/116436256725507023337/" rel="me" target="_blank">My Google Profile+</span></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-17616161165184143732012-03-31T09:07:00.010-04:002013-06-02T10:15:50.033-04:00Adoptive Parents: What You Need to Know About the Adoption Tax CreditTax time is getting closer, and can't we all use some good news about our taxes? The Adoption Tax Credit is definitely good news for adoptive parents. If you are an adoptive parent, you may be eligible for a refundable tax credit of up to $13,360. This article outlines what you need to know about the adoption tax credit. <br />Continue reading on <a href="http://www.examiner.com/adoptive-families-in-rochester/what-you-need-to-know-about-the-adoption-tax-credit/" rel="tag" target="_blank">Examiner.com</a>...<br /><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.sallybacchetta.com/" target="_blank">Sally Bacchetta</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" target="_blank">The Adoptive Parent</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="https://plus.google.com/116436256725507023337/" rel="me" target="_blank">My Google Profile+</span></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-48777947525297051682012-02-07T13:44:00.001-05:002013-06-02T10:16:09.318-04:00Open Letter to Prospective Adoptive Parents (PAPs)<span style="font-style:italic;">I posted this a few years ago, but what I've read online in the last week compels me to run it again (with minor edits).</span> <br /><br />Dear Prospective Adoptive Parent, <br /><br />Today I came across yet another blog of a prospective adoptive couple using their blog to chronicle their "journey to adoption". Sadly, it read more like an online tantrum.<br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">We've spent a fortune already and we still don't have a baby.<br /><br />We were matched with a birth mother last year who changed her mind after she gave birth and she refused to follow through. I'm still angry about that!<br /><br />Everything was set until the birth father got involved and that was the end of it. He was uninvolved for the whole pregnancy and then decided to care after we made an agreement with the birth mother. It's not fair! </span><br /><br />I'm an adoptive parent myself. I understand the agony of infertility and the gut-wrenching uncertainty, anxiety, and helplessness of the adoptive process. And I understand using your blog as a release valve; I often do the same thing. However, (deep breath), I don't understand the attitude of entitlement. <br />I don't understand your resentment toward parents who ultimately decide to raise the children they themselves create (How dare they?). <br />I don't understand how <span style="font-style:italic;">you</span> don't understand that some of the language you use is crass and base and incredibly insensitive. <br />I don't understand how you think you will love a child as children need to be loved when you seem to have such a low opinion of parents who place. <br /><br />Certainly, you can use whatever language you choose; it's your blog. But when I read the words below on an AP/PAP blog... it scares me. Seriously. I'm NOT suggesting you deny your feelings or just grin and bear it. You need the support of people who know what you're going through. <br /><br />What I am suggesting is that if you're working so hard to become a parent perhaps you should work harder on understanding the totality of the adoption experience - the totality of your future child's history - and expressing your feelings with more sensitivity to birth families, adoptees, and other APs and PAPs. <br /><br />Words to look out for:<br /><br />1. Any words that refer to the cost of adoption. I know birth mothers who would give everything they have, including body parts, to be able to raise their children or to have contact with the children they placed for adoption. These women paid dearly for their decisions, and you're crabbing about what it costs you? You can choose to adopt privately or from foster care if you can't or don't want to pay adoption agency fees. Unless you're discussing ethics and the need for adoption reform, complaining about money is tacky and insensitive. <br /><br />2. "Deal", "promise", or "agreement" as in "We made a deal with a birth mother but she changed her mind," or "She promised to let us witness the birth," or "She violated our agreement." I'm not even sure where to start with this one. You made a deal? She made a child. She has the right and obligation to make the best decisions she can on her child's behalf, regardless of what plans she may have made earlier in her pregnancy. Hormones, denial, stress, support resources, health... things change rapidly during pregnancy. Most parents waffle for months over what to name the baby, what color to paint the nursery, and whether or not to introduce a pacifier. Please, show some respect for one of the most important decisions parents can make. <br /><br />3. "Lie", "deceive", or "manipulate." Even if it's true. Even if you can prove it. Even if it hurts a lot. Assume that it was unintentional. Assume she did the best she could under the circumstances. Assume your future child will read your words someday and form opinions about <span style="font-style:italic;">you</span> because of it. <br /><br />4. "Our" as in "our birth mother" or "our baby." They're not. <br /><br />5. "Want." Of course you want a child. I get that. But what you want is still a part of another woman's body. That's pretty heavy. <br /><br />6. "Hero." Birth parents aren't heroes. They make the decision to place because they think it's best for their baby or for themselves, not for you. It's not about you. It wasn't about me, either. It's not about making an infertile couple's dreams come true. It's not about being a hero.<br /><br />7. "Deserve." You don't deserve children any more than I do. No one does. It's not a birth mother's responsibility to provide you with a child. She's not a breeding sow. <br /><br />8. "Pray." Please, please, please don't ask people to pray that a birth mother "makes the right decision and gives us her baby" or anything along that line. Do you believe that God would rip a woman apart mind, body and spirit in order to answer your prayer? I'll pray with you for grace and patience. I'll pray with you for peace. I'll pray with you for a birth mother's strength and clarity. And I'll pray with you for everyone's health. Please don't ask people to pray for you to get what you want at the expense of someone else. Is that what you're going to teach your child to do?<br /><br />Click here to purchase Sally's <a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" rel="tag" target="_blank">adoption book</a>, <span style="font-style:italic;">What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. </span><br /><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.sallybacchetta.com/" target="_blank">Sally Bacchetta</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" target="_blank">The Adoptive Parent</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="https://plus.google.com/116436256725507023337/" rel="me" target="_blank">My Google Profile+</span></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-73506251645787425222012-01-23T10:31:00.001-05:002013-06-02T10:17:10.029-04:00One Down, One to Go?<span style="font-family: inherit;">I took the kids sledding last week, and we had a great time until I got plowed down by a teenager on an out-of-control snow tube. I mean <span style="font-style: italic;">plowed down</span>. Tossed like a rag doll-lost a boot in mid air- struck my head on landing. I got CLOCKED!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">As I lay on the snow I thought, "I hit my head. <span style="font-style: italic;">Hard</span>. I can't get up." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Then I became aware of crying and my daughter's voice. "Get up, Mommy. Mommy, get up! <span style="font-style: italic;">Get up</span>!!" But I couldn't get up. It was more than a full minute before I could even speak to let her know I heard her, and the impact that had on her will haunt me for a very long time. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">At first terrified, she became angry - really angry - when I finally got up. She broke down sobbing, "I thought you were killed! I thought I was going to be without a mother forever! How could I grow up without a mother? You can't leave me like that!"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And in that moment, I didn't care about anyone's "expert" opinion. Adoption <span style="font-style: italic;">is</span> a loss. It is. I know she was talking about <span style="font-style: italic;">me</span>, but I also know that the loss of her first mother waits somewhere inside her. And even if she isn't aware of that loss yet, I am. And the thought of her losing two mothers brings me to my knees. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Click here to purchase Sally's <a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" rel="tag" target="_blank">adoption book</a>, <span style="font-style: italic;">What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<a href="http://www.sallybacchetta.com/" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Sally Bacchetta</span></a><br />
<a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The Adoptive Parent</span></a><br />
<a href="https://plus.google.com/116436256725507023337/" rel="me" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: inherit;">My Google Profile+</span></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-15425641733033117462012-01-04T12:24:00.002-05:002013-06-02T10:18:02.011-04:00Good Old What's His Name<span style="font-family: inherit;">Our family speaks frankly about adoption. So much so that our kids assume adoption is part of everyone's birth story, which is either funny or tragic, depending on your own experiences.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm pained to realize that in all of our formal discussions and impromptu conversations and off-hand mentions of adoption, we've barely talked about their birth fathers. We just don't know much about them. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I know they made decisions that will reverberate in my life as long as it lasts. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I know their first names.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I know what one of them looks like. I know he was adopted and wanted to be present at the birth.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I know the year the other one graduated from high school. I know he was a straight A student and was no longer in a relationship with M when the baby was born. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">That's it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">What I know about them amounts to a pile of nothing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I can't give my children anything of substance about the men they came from.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">It's an awful feeling. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.sallybacchetta.com/" target="_blank">Sally Bacchetta</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" target="_blank">The Adoptive Parent</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="https://plus.google.com/116436256725507023337/" rel="me" target="_blank">My Google Profile+</span></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-37554840786334822492011-10-28T14:57:00.004-04:002013-06-02T10:18:57.894-04:00Where the Wild Thoughts Are<span style="font-family: inherit;">I am never alone. Adoption is always with me. It is between the lines of everything I read. It is on the tongue of every conversation. It is a constant tow.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I have more than once told fake tales of pregnancy and labor, choosing to play along with baby-store staffers rather than say, "We adopted." To say it like that, as explanation to a stranger, seems a violation of something, or a diminishing of all of us - you, me, Daddy, your birth parents - as if Adoption is all someone needs to know about us, or as if knowing Adoption about us is really knowing anything at all. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">You say things that leave me breathless, like, "Before I was born I was sad because I thought I wouldn't have a family. I thought I wouldn't have any parents to love me and take care of me. And then after I got born when the nurse put me in your arms, I looked up into your loving eyes and I cried happy tears, because I knew I had a mother forever. And I knew you were the mother I always wanted." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">And you say things that leave me floundering, like when I said, "I love that you used so many different colors to make these pictures. They're beautiful! Maybe we can send one to M," and you said, <span style="font-style: italic;">Who's M? Oh, yeah, my birth mother.</span> Should I be disturbed that you forgot (even for a moment) who "M" is? Should I be happy that you don't seem to have Adoption running through your every thought as I do? Should I think nothing of the moment and just move on? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I sometimes wonder if I've lost my sense of humor. Other people see this cartoon and crack up laughing. I see this cartoon and wonder if you will ever feel this way. </span><br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWxav0qnt5Ux9EUZgIaUGZR8_e-ca2Pd4OukrEhgof8mdITdQKDxnW4jpSIZKs0I1tBJ30pfNnGgD7olgxEVgCbbjEXY_qEBERQSK9IEbZMvabyCb2cHZmppYuMgKNLTGZGe7NIr3dMfA/s1600/Labradoodle.gif" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5601069997908607234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWxav0qnt5Ux9EUZgIaUGZR8_e-ca2Pd4OukrEhgof8mdITdQKDxnW4jpSIZKs0I1tBJ30pfNnGgD7olgxEVgCbbjEXY_qEBERQSK9IEbZMvabyCb2cHZmppYuMgKNLTGZGe7NIr3dMfA/s400/Labradoodle.gif" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 400px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 299px;" /></a><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Click here to purchase Sally's <a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" rel="tag" target="_blank">adoption book</a>, <span style="font-style: italic;">What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective</span>, in <a href="http://www.amazon.com/What-Want-Adopted-Child-Know/dp/144019436X/ref=tmm_pap_title_0" target="_blank">softcover</a>, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/What-Want-Adopted-Child-Know/dp/1440194386/ref=tmm_hrd_title_0" target="_blank">hardcover</a>, or <a href="http://www.amazon.com/What-Want-Adopted-Child-ebook/dp/B003PPDHDY/ref=pd_ts_kinc_5?ie=UTF8&s=digital-text" target="_blank">e-book</a> formats.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.sallybacchetta.com/" target="_blank">Sally Bacchetta</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" target="_blank">The Adoptive Parent</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="https://plus.google.com/116436256725507023337/" rel="me" target="_blank">My Google Profile+</span></a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3655029441146664180.post-85376971884752640202011-09-29T11:46:00.001-04:002013-06-02T10:22:19.902-04:00Adoptive Parents Committee Annual Adoption Conference<span style="font-family: inherit;">Just confirmed that I'll be presenting two workshops at the 2011 Annual <a href="http://adoptiveparents.org/Conference_2011/" rel="tag" target="_blank">Adoption Conference</a> presented by the Adoptive Parents Committee (APC). This is a big deal to me because it's an opportunity to move APs and PAPs past the romantic adoption fairy tale that sadly, some in the industry continue to promote, and help them "get real" about how adoption shapes the entire adoptive family.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'll post titles and descriptions of my workshops once they go live on the APC website. The conference will be Sunday, November 20th at St. Francis College in Brooklyn. I hope to see you there! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Click here to purchase Sally's <a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" rel="tag" target="_blank">adoption book</a>, <span style="font-style: italic;">What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective</span>, in <a href="http://www.amazon.com/What-Want-Adopted-Child-Know/dp/144019436X/ref=tmm_pap_title_0" target="_blank">softcover</a>, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/What-Want-Adopted-Child-Know/dp/1440194386/ref=tmm_hrd_title_0" target="_blank">hardcover</a>, or <a href="http://www.amazon.com/What-Want-Adopted-Child-ebook/dp/B003PPDHDY/ref=pd_ts_kinc_5?ie=UTF8&s=digital-text" target="_blank">e-book</a> formats.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.sallybacchetta.com/" target="_blank">Sally Bacchetta</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.theadoptiveparent.com/" target="_blank">The Adoptive Parent</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="https://plus.google.com/116436256725507023337/" rel="me" target="_blank">My Google Profile+</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/SallyBacchetta" rel="tag" target="_blank">Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel</a></span><br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2