The Adoptive Parent

Open Letter to Prospective Adoptive Parents (PAPs)

2012-02-07T13:44:00.001-05:00

I posted this a few years ago, but what I've read online in the last week compels me to run it again (with minor edits).

Dear Prospective Adoptive Parent,

Today I came across yet another blog of a prospective adoptive couple using their blog to chronicle their "journey to adoption". Sadly, it read more like an online tantrum.

We've spent a fortune already and we still don't have a baby.

We were matched with a birth mother last year who changed her mind after she gave birth and she refused to follow through. I'm still angry about that!

Everything was set until the birth father got involved and that was the end of it. He was uninvolved for the whole pregnancy and then decided to care after we made an agreement with the birth mother. It's not fair!

I'm an adoptive parent myself. I understand the agony of infertility and the gut-wrenching uncertainty, anxiety, and helplessness of the adoptive process. And I understand using your blog as a release valve; I often do the same thing. However, (deep breath), I don't understand the attitude of entitlement.
I don't understand your resentment toward parents who ultimately decide to raise the children they themselves create (How dare they?).
I don't understand how you don't understand that some of the language you use is crass and base and incredibly insensitive.
I don't understand how you think you will love a child as children need to be loved when you seem to have such a low opinion of parents who place.

Certainly, you can use whatever language you choose; it's your blog. But when I read the words below on an AP/PAP blog... it scares me. Seriously. I'm NOT suggesting you deny your feelings or just grin and bear it. You need the support of people who know what you're going through.

What I am suggesting is that if you're working so hard to become a parent perhaps you should work harder on understanding the totality of the adoption experience - the totality of your future child's history - and expressing your feelings with more sensitivity to birth families, adoptees, and other APs and PAPs.

Words to look out for:

1. Any words that refer to the cost of adoption. I know birth mothers who would give everything they have, including body parts, to be able to raise their children or to have contact with the children they placed for adoption. These women paid dearly for their decisions, and you're crabbing about what it costs you? You can choose to adopt privately or from foster care if you can't or don't want to pay adoption agency fees. Unless you're discussing ethics and the need for adoption reform, complaining about money is tacky and insensitive.

2. "Deal", "promise", or "agreement" as in "We made a deal with a birth mother but she changed her mind," or "She promised to let us witness the birth," or "She violated our agreement." I'm not even sure where to start with this one. You made a deal? She made a child. She has the right and obligation to make the best decisions she can on her child's behalf, regardless of what plans she may have made earlier in her pregnancy. Hormones, denial, stress, support resources, health... things change rapidly during pregnancy. Most parents waffle for months over what to name the baby, what color to paint the nursery, and whether or not to introduce a pacifier. Please, show some respect for one of the most important decisions parents can make.

3. "Lie", "deceive", or "manipulate." Even if it's true. Even if you can prove it. Even if it hurts a lot. Assume that it was unintentional. Assume she did the best she could under the circumstances. Assume your future child will read your words someday and form opinions about you because of it.

4. "Our" as in "our birth mother" or "our baby." They're not.

5. "Want." Of course you want a child. I get that. But what you want is still a part of another woman's body. That's pretty heavy.

6. "Hero." Birth parents aren't heroes. They make the decision to place because they think it's best for their baby or for themselves, not for you. It's not about you. It wasn't about me, either. It's not about making an infertile couple's dreams come true. It's not about being a hero.

7. "Deserve." You don't deserve children any more than I do. No one does. It's not a birth mother's responsibility to provide you with a child. She's not a breeding sow.

8. "Pray." Please, please, please don't ask people to pray that a birth mother "makes the right decision and gives us her baby" or anything along that line. Do you believe that God would rip a woman apart mind, body and spirit in order to answer your prayer? I'll pray with you for grace and patience. I'll pray with you for peace. I'll pray with you for a birth mother's strength and clarity. And I'll pray with you for everyone's health. Please don't ask people to pray for you to get what you want at the expense of someone else. Is that what you're going to teach your child to do?

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

One Down, One to Go?

2012-01-23T10:31:00.001-05:00

I took the kids sledding last week, and we had a great time until I got plowed down by a teenager on an out-of-control snow tube. I mean plowed down. Tossed like a rag doll-lost a boot in mid air- struck my head on landing. I got CLOCKED!

As I lay on the snow I thought, "I hit my head. Hard. I can't get up."

Then I became aware of crying and my daughter's voice. "Get up, Mommy. Mommy, get up! Get up!!" But I couldn't get up. It was more than a full minute before I could even speak to let her know I heard her, and the impact that had on her will haunt me for a very long time.

At first terrified, she became angry - really angry - when I finally got up. She broke down sobbing, "I thought you were killed! I thought I was going to be without a mother forever! How could I grow up without a mother? You can't leave me like that!"

And in that moment, I didn't care about anyone's "expert" opinion. Adoption is a loss. It is. I know she was talking about me, but I also know that the loss of her first mother waits somewhere inside her. And even if she isn't aware of that loss yet, I am. And the thought of her losing two mothers brings me to my knees.

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Good Old What's His Name

2012-01-04T12:24:00.002-05:00

Our family speaks frankly about adoption. So much so that our kids assume adoption is part of everyone's birth story, which is either funny or tragic, depending on your own experiences.

I'm pained to realize that in all of our formal discussions and impromptu conversations and off-hand mentions of adoption, we've barely talked about their birth fathers. We just don't know much about them.

I know they made decisions that will reverberate in my life as long as it lasts.
I know their first names.
I know what one of them looks like. I know he was adopted and wanted to be present at the birth.
I know the year the other one graduated from high school. I know he was a straight A student and was no longer in a relationship with M when the baby was born.

That's it.
What I know about them amounts to a pile of nothing.
I can't give my children anything of substance about the men they came from.

It's an awful feeling.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood

Where the Wild Thoughts Are

2011-10-28T14:57:00.004-04:00

I am never alone. Adoption is always with me. It is between the lines of everything I read. It is on the tongue of every conversation. It is a constant tow.

I have more than once told fake tales of pregnancy and labor, choosing to play along with baby-store staffers rather than say, "We adopted." To say it like that, as explanation to a stranger, seems a violation of something, or a diminishing of all of us - you, me, Daddy, your birth parents - as if Adoption is all someone needs to know about us, or as if knowing Adoption about us is really knowing anything at all.

You say things that leave me breathless, like, "Before I was born I was sad because I thought I wouldn't have a family. I thought I wouldn't have any parents to love me and take care of me. And then after I got born when the nurse put me in your arms, I looked up into your loving eyes and I cried happy tears, because I knew I had a mother forever. And I knew you were the mother I always wanted."

And you say things that leave me floundering, like when I said, "I love that you used so many different colors to make these pictures. They're beautiful! Maybe we can send one to M," and you said, Who's M? Oh, yeah, my birth mother. Should I be disturbed that you forgot (even for a moment) who "M" is? Should I be happy that you don't seem to have Adoption running through your every thought as I do? Should I think nothing of the moment and just move on?

I sometimes wonder if I've lost my sense of humor. Other people see this cartoon and crack up laughing. I see this cartoon and wonder if you will ever feel this way.

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoptive Parents Committee Annual Adoption Conference

2011-09-29T11:46:00.001-04:00

Just confirmed that I'll be presenting two workshops at the 2011 Annual Adoption Conference presented by the Adoptive Parents Committee (APC). This is a big deal to me because it's an opportunity to move APs and PAPs past the romantic adoption fairy tale that sadly, some in the industry continue to promote, and help them "get real" about how adoption shapes the entire adoptive family.

I'll post titles and descriptions of my workshops once they go live on the APC website. The conference will be Sunday, November 20th at St. Francis College in Brooklyn. I hope to see you there!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Statistically Impossible

2011-08-04T08:34:00.000-04:00

I've been following Statistically Impossible for quite a while, and it just occurred to me that I haven't shared the link here.

I sincerely hope you will check it out and spend some time there.

Make a great day,

Sally

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Child Trafficking in Nigeria

2011-08-03T11:44:00.011-04:00

Why another article about child trafficking?

Because it is still happening.

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Freelance Writer
Parenting

How Can a Mother Give up Her Child?

2011-07-27T10:45:00.002-04:00

She said: I've been blessed by adoption, but still, I don't understand how a mother can give up her child. I could never do that.

I said: You could never do that? How do you know?

She said: Because! I love my kids far too much. I would never do that to them.

I said: Hmm... then surely you love your children too much to ever diminish their history or deny them access to their roots.

A mother as loving as you doesn't feel the need to compete with her kid's first family, change her child's name, or withhold any contact with their birth family.

And - hallelujah! - you're not one of those adoptive parents who tries to pretend that the life and development and attachment and love and leaving that happened before you is insignificant.

You love your children far too much to do that to them.

Whew! Good to know.

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

A Poem for Your First Mother

2011-05-05T13:06:00.008-04:00

I Think About Your First Love
Sally Bacchetta

She gave you form,
she gave you breath,
she gave you then to me.
She gave away a future – the mother she might be.

She chose to set a different course for the life you were to live,
a life of joy and hope and peace beyond what she could give.
Sure she couldn’t be for you the mother you would need,
she made a choice that broke her heart,
and trusting me to lead,

she took her hopes,
her dreams, her faith,
and laid them in my hands,
and weeping love upon your face
she prayed you’d understand.

She walked away with empty arms and nothing now to show
how very much she loved you. I promised her you’d know.
She’d yet to learn – as mothers will – this truth about the heart: It remembers those who love us, however far apart.

And every moon and every morn
that I have known since you were born
pales in the light of this love like no other –
the light of your first love,
your first mother.

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Adoption: It's Like Trying to Rhyme With "Orange"

2011-04-12T14:02:00.005-04:00

PLEASE NOTE: I have friends who never chose adoption for their children; women who had the choice made for them or who were threatened, tricked and manipulated into signing papers. When I talk in this post about "walking away," I'm not talking about you, and I'm sincerely sorry if my choice of words causes you pain. This post is not to criticize choices made. It is for me to find my way through another phase of my development as a parent, as an adoptive parent, as my kids' Mama. I am an adoptive parent, and that is the only perspective on adoption I can ever have. This blog is my place to share my reality. Sally

No matter how I talk with my children about adoption I can't change the fundamental truth that they were de-selected. We can call it "She was too young" or "She wasn't able to take care of you" or "She wanted a better life for you" - all of which may be true - but it doesn't change the fact that she made a choice to not remain in their lives. They were, on some very intimate and primal level, "given away."

And though I've never had even a fleeting fantasy that my children would be unaffected by adoption, lately I find my heart breaking.

What am I going to do when my daughter, one of the most loving, free-spirited, joyous, genuinely kind people I've ever known realizes that She decided not to be her mother?

And what am I going to say to my son, truly the essence of sweetness and light and goodness, when he asks why She decided not to be his mother?

I don't imagine that any adoptive parent has the answer, because it's not anything we can answer. It's not about us. It's about the women who share breath and blood with our children and later walk out of their lives.

This post makes me feel sick.

The weight of loving my children through this realization makes me feel sick.

The idea that they may think themselves "unlovable" even for a split second makes me feel sick. And weep.

I hate that some adoptees do think themselves "unlovable." (My kids never have. Will they ever?)

I hate that some first mothers tell their adult adopted children "Lose my number. I don't want a relationship with you." (My kids' haven't. Will they ever?)

Mostly I hate that no matter how close our family is and no matter how much I love them and no matter how completely I celebrate them for being exactly who they are, I can't protect them from their truth.

It's like trying to rhyme with "orange."

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoption as Mis-Represented by the Meda

2011-02-18T11:28:00.001-05:00

Recently I returned as a guest on Mary Beth Wells' radio show Adoption: Journey to Motherhood. Mary Beth and I talked about "Adoption in the Media", and I'm sharing a few points of the discussion with you here because I'd like to hear your thoughts.

Mary Beth asked me, "How do you think the media portrays adoption and what affect does that have on adopted children?"

Summary of my response: The media, including movies and television, generally portray adoption as an aberration, and truthfully, it is. Adoption is not the “normal” course… humans are not biologically or physiologically predisposed toward adoption. Adoption was created, not organically instilled. However, it is a reality, and adoptive families have the same potential for love and bonding and affection and permanency as any family created biologically. [blog note: Yes, I am well aware that many adoptees are not raised with love, bonding, affection, and feelings of permanency. Many "bio kids" are not either. My point is that the potential exists for all parent/child relationships, regardless of DNA.]

So, there’s a paradox there, for the media and for the rest of us. How to speak authentically about adoption – that is to acknowledge that it is in some way different, yet not make “different” mean “less than, bad, inferior, weird”, etc.
Labels such as “adoptive parents”, “real parents”, “adopted child” are placed in news stories… but why? What is the value to the reader of delineating the biology or non-biology of a relationship? If it’s not germane to the story, it serves another agenda. It’s like identifying someone as “Conservative talk show host” or “Openly gay pastor”… it may be true, and it may be an important part of that person’s life, but is it relevant to the story? If not, using the label draws attention to the label rather than to the person or the point of the piece. And it begs the question of why use the label? I think too often the adoption label is thrown in simply because it's a "twist", an "ooh, there's some drama there",... it's used to alert the audience that "something's different here."

We talked about that horrible Sony tv ad where a woman's family is trying to distract her during her turn at a competitive game. They try making noises, etc., but her attention never wavers. Finally someone shouts out, "You were adopted!" [blog note: I blogged about that commercial when I first saw it, and that's what got Mary Beth and me talking about this topic.]

Mary Beth observed that "Parents can be over protective of their children. For adopted parents, do you think one of the reasons is that our children have already lost one family?"

Summary of my response: That may be, but really, I’m more concerned about my kids growing up in a society that sanctions any kind of prejudice. Think about it, Mary Beth, a few decades ago words like “fairy” and “homo” were fairly widely accepted as humorous put downs. And before that were blatantly sexist jokes and “your mama” jokes and racial slurs. But we evolved as a society and those things are no longer acceptable in most settings. But for some reason, too many people now target adoption as a punchline. You’d never see a tv commercial calling someone a “faggot” or a “nigger” as an insult. Why is it OK to do with adoption? It’s not.

My kids know they were adopted. There's no secrecy about it in our family. This particular conversation isn't about the ethics of adoption; it's about the ethics of
ridiculing someone - anyone - about their difference.

Mary Beth asked me how I think the "Hollywood adoptions" factor into this conversation.
Summary of my response: I think the media attention is more hurtful than helpful. What we see in the media are celebrities flying around in their private jets, throwing a ton of cash around and essentially buying babies and pawning them off on a team of nannies when they get home. Mary Beth made my next point for me, which is that we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. We don't really know how any celebrity parents or embraces their child's origins or anything at all. But the media paint a certain picture, and it ain't a good one.

The media focus on celebrity adopters is tragically skewed. Rather than judge and sensationalize and stalk celebrity adopters and their children,, the media could actually illuminate the very real horror of international child trafficking disguised as ethical adoption. I AM NOT SAYING that any particular celebrity has bought a child or children on the black market. I'm NOT saying that all international adoptions are unethical, illegal, or wrong.What I AM SAYING is that child trafficking IS A REALITY, and adoption provides a convenient cover for this horror. And I AM SAYING that the media could be a powerful force in tearing the shroud away from this awfulness, but it chooses instead to prattle on and on about the clothes, and shoes, and pre-schools, and diets, and play dates of celebrity adoptees. But that would require actual work and thought on the part of the media and the readers/viewers, so it's not likely going to happen.

You can listen to the whole interview at Adoption: Journey to Motherhood.

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Freelance Writer
Parenting

How the Media Portrays Adoption

2011-02-13T11:06:00.000-05:00

I've been invited back to Mary Beth Wells' radio show Adoption - Journey to Motherhood to talk about how adoption is portrayed in the media and what impact that has on adoptees and their families.

I'll be on with Mary Beth tomorrow, February 14 from 9:00 to 9:30 a.m Eastern on the TogiNet Radio network. You can log on to Adoption-Journey to Motherhood to listen or call in live to participate in the discussion at 877-864-4869.

I sincerely hope to hear from you.

Sally

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Freelance Writer
Parenting

My Perspective on Adoptee Reunion - Interview on Entercom Radio

2011-02-11T09:06:00.005-05:00

A few weeks ago I was interviewed by Kim Iverson, nationally-syndicated host of "Your Time With Kim Iverson", about my book & my perspective on adoptees reuniting with their bio families.

As I told Kim, I encourage APs to "let the child lead", whether the adoptee is a child or an adult or something in between. We must realize that our childrens' search and reunion isn't about us; it's about THEM and THEIR roots. Whether it goes fabulously or is a colossal crash & burn, it's the adoptee's journey to take. Or not take. It should be up to them and no one else. Our role is to lovingly support them as we would through any other journey in their lives.

I don't understand why so many APs are threatened by their child's desire to search. You adopted a child. By definition, your child has history that precedes you. By definition, your child is forever linked to people other than you, a culture other than yours, ancestors that are not yours. I simply don't understand why some APs want to believe that their child's life began with them. It didn't. If you're not OK with that, you're essentially rejecting your child's earliest Self.

What do you think?

The interview aired January 28, 2011 on Entercom radio stations nationwide. Visit "Your Time With Kim Iverson" or "The Adoptive Parent" to listen to the interview.

Many thanks to Kim for giving me the opportunity to talk about this. It's really important.

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Christmas in Medina + Adoption Book Signing

2010-11-17T22:10:00.001-05:00

Do you have plans for Saturday, November 27th?

Would you like to?

Why not join me at The Book Shoppe in historic downtown Medina, NY? I'll be there from 1:00 to 3:00 p.m. to discuss and sign copies of my book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. AND...

Old Tyme Christmas in Medina kicks off that same day at 10:00 a.m. Live music, horse drawn sleigh rides, crafts for the kids, storytime with Mrs. Claus, parade of lights... and my book signing, of course. It's the perfect way to spend the second day after Thanksgiving!

It's going to be a ton of fun, and I hope you can make it!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoption Truth

2010-11-16T10:04:00.005-05:00

How much of what you've learned about adoption was taught to you by "adoption professionals?"

Cassi at Adoption Truth has written with beautiful honesty about her experience with adoption loss. Her truth is shared by many first parents, and I hope you will take the time to read her post We Bleed Too.

She is speaking truth that we all need to hear.

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoption Book featured as Barnes & Noble Rising Star

2010-11-11T08:08:00.002-05:00

Thanks to reader support in the marketplace my book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, has been selected for the Barnes & Noble Rising Star Special Collection

My book is currently featured in Barnes & Noble Rising Star Special Collection at the Barnes & Noble website and will be available through this exclusive boutique during the month of November. The Rising Star series showcases promising nonfiction and fiction authors tapped by editors for the quality of their writing.

Sincere thanks to all of you who have read (or are reading) my book. Adoption reform cannot be the work of one or two voices. It simply won't happen. I appreciate all of you who share your thoughts, experiences, ideas, and feelings with me. There is much work to be done!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Freelance Writer
Parenting

New Article: While You're Waiting... Preparing for Adoption

2010-11-05T11:57:00.010-04:00

Thanks to the Genesee Valley Parent magazine for publishing another of my articles. This month's feature is titled While You're Waiting... Preparing for Adoption.

The article includes suggestions from APs, a PAP, and me for how to use your wait time productively.

You can read it here: While You're Waiting... Preparing for Adoption.

I'm always on the lookout for adoption-related topics to write about, so please let me know if you have any ideas. Also, I know I'm behind on my interview series! I've got two on deck that I hope to post next week. I'm open to suggestions of people you'd like me to interview.

Make a great day!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Proceeds From Best-Selling Adoption E-Book To Benefit Adoptive Parents Group

2010-11-04T16:13:00.003-04:00

In honor of National Adoption Month, the Amazon Kindle e-book version of the best-selling adoption book What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective will be available at 50% off list price during the month of November. Proceeds from sales of the e-book will benefit the Adoptive Parents Committee (APC), an all-volunteer, non-profit group that advocates for humanitarian improvements in the adoption and foster care system.

“I’m excited about introducing my adoption book to a new audience through an expansive online platform,” said Sally Bacchetta, author and adoptive mother of two. “It’s also a great opportunity to support the work of APC in educating the public, the media, and its members about current adoption issues.” more

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Poking Fun at Adoptees is a Classless Move for PlayStation

2010-11-01T12:38:00.000-04:00

For as little television as I watch, I can't believe I caught this ad. Type
http://www.joystiq.com/2010/10/13/take-a-swing-at-this-new-kevin-butler-commercial/ into Google search.

I gasped out loud.

I want to know what writer thinks it's funny to use adoption in this context. Oh, yeah, it's funny. Funny as a racial slur. Funny as a "Your Mama..." Funny as jokes about dwarf tossing or gay bashing.

I can't believe we still have so far to go.

Sad.

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoption Interview Series - Adam Robe, MSW

2010-10-22T13:18:00.004-04:00

Welcome to this installment of my Adoption Interview Series. I periodically post interviews with people involved with all aspects of adoption, and I hope you will enjoy learning about them as much as I have. Please let me know if you would like to participate or would like to suggest someone else for me to interview.

This week - Adam Robe, MSW

How has your life been touched by adoption?
My first contact with adoption was at the age of nine, when I was adopted. Although the concept was introduced to me prior my adoption, I really didn’t understand what it meant.

As a social worker for the last thirteen years, I have had lots of experience working with children and families going through adoption.

Please tell us about your Robbie Rabbit book series, including the titles in the series.
When I was placed in foster care at the age of five, a number of people tried to explain to me what was happening to me in words that I could understand. But, at the end of the day, I knew two things about foster care; I was not with my mom or brother and that I was in a home with strangers. On most days, I felt alone and powerless.

Over the years, I have seen a theme emerge; communication is difficult for children in care. And that the behaviors that children display can easily be misinterpreted as many of the children in care do not always communicate their needs the way we would expect. Because of poor modeling, trauma, mistrust, age, etc. a child may not have the words to tell you what they are feeling or thinking. Often a child’s misbehavior might be their way of trying to tell us something and we are missing great opportunities to get a child to open up.

With confidence, I can say that all of us want children to feel comfortable talking about how they feeling and what they are thinking. But, how do we get them to the point where they feel comfortable talking to us? And if they do, is their trust in us going to be rewarded. In other words, if they open up to you, are you going to really listen to what they are saying? You have to also remember, that many children harbor a belief that if they tell you things - bad things will happen. For example, they might believe that because they talked about what was going on in their house they had to leave or maybe someone blamed them for breaking up the family. So sharing feelings doesn’t always equal something good.

With this in mind, I started brainstorming about ways to reach out to children in a safe and non-threatening way and to help a child communicate about how they are feeling. I thought about how much of an impact books have on us. So, I researched children’s books that were available and although I found that there are some really great ones, I felt that there was something missing in them.

First, I couldn’t relate to the characters or their situation or there was too much feel good stuff versus thought provoking situations. With Robbie, his reason for entering care was due to abuse, but also because his mother couldn’t take care of him properly and she needed additional help.
Robbie was created to fill the gap, and I believe that this series, will not only help children, they will also help the caring adults in their lives.

The books in the series are: “Robbie’s Trail through Foster Care,” “Robbie’s Trail through Adoption,” “Robbie’s Trail through Open Adoption,” “Wanting to Belong,” “Meeting My CASA,” and “Moving to Another Foster Home.”

Do you have a favorite Robbie Rabbit book?

I actually have two favorites, and they are “Robbie’s Trail through Foster Care,” and “Robbie’s Trail through Adoption.” I like these two because they really highlight some of the emotions that Robbie (or a child) may be going through when coming into foster care, and adoption.

Often, children aren’t able to tell us what they are feeling and instead, they share their feelings through their behaviors. These behaviors can be misread, and if we are focused just on correcting the behavior, versus finding out why the behaviors are occurring, we could be missing a great opportunity to help children verbalize their feelings.

One of the things I love about what you've done is that Robbie Rabbit is more than just a series of children's books. You've also developed Activity book(s) and Adult Guides. Please tell us about those.
When researching books for children in foster care, I found that some of the books did include discussion topics for an adult to go through with a child, but I know from my own experience and from being around children, that interactive activities tend to have better results. When you think about the activities that children do in school, even as silly as some of them seem, they tend to help the child learn. With this in mind, the activities in the “Robbie Rabbit” series are interactive and require action from both the child and a caring adult. There are also themes to the activities in the books that will allow the child to better understand the things they can control and can’t control; identify people in their lives that they can talk to; use words to tell others how they are feeling; and to build their self-identity.

The adult guide helps caring adults to create situations where children feel comfortable talking with them. Plus, it gives starter questions and advice on how to get a child engaged in the activities.

Having a child read the books and do the activities by themselves will not help a child to feel more comfortable about sharing their feelings with others. It is so important that a caring adult be a part of this process.

I imagine that your own experiences with foster care and adoption inspired the Robbie Rabbit books. I'm curious, how or why did you decide to feature a rabbit rather than a human child or another animal?
I initially considered making Robbie or the character in the series, a human, but the more I thought about the best way to reach children, it seemed more appropriate to use animals. Plus, because of the sensitive material, I believed that it would be more difficult for children if the characters were human. It also allowed me to create cultural differences without creating a stigma for a child or family of a particular race.

I used a rabbit to represent Robbie because they are the most cuddly and non-threatening animals I could think of. Rarely, are rabbits seen as evil or mean. Of course, after I had written the first two books and had them illustrated, I came across another Robbie Rabbit character that is evil and I hope that if kids Google Robbie the Rabbit they don’t come across pictures or videos of that character.

Are your books relevant for adoptive families who have not experienced foster care?
Definitely! By reading the books, they may get a glimpse of what may happen. If they can anticipate some of the emotions that a child may experience, they will be better prepared to help a child. It also will give them a chance to recognize some of the pitfalls that parents may fall into.

Visitors to your website will see that training is an important component of what you do. Would you give some examples of the kind of groups you train and the feedback you get from those you train?
I have trained youth who are transitioning out of foster care, and professionals who are involved in a child’s life. I have conducted trainings with foster parents on helping children in care feel as if they belong. I also have spoken with residential care and child placing agencies about some of the emotional transitions that children go through while in care. Court personnel, such as CASA’s and GAL’s also have heard me talk about the challenges of youth as they transition out of foster care, creating life-long connections, and the emotional impact of foster care on children.

Some of my feedback is that people appreciate me sharing my personal and professional experiences and helping them have a better understanding of how to work with children in care. They have also appreciated my non-judgmental approach, and humor, which helps when dealing with such an intense topic.

It seems that more and more people involved with adoption are now seeing the need for adoption reform. What are your thoughts on that? What things (if any) do you think need to change, and what ideas do you have for the best way to go about changing the adoption industry?
I would love for there to be consistency across state lines when doing adoptions. Although many states require similar training for their families, the rules can change from one state to another.

One area that I see a lot of problems occur, and have heard from foster/adoptive families, is the idea of con-current planning. Many courts and state policies require that there be dual goals for a child. The first is to work towards reunification, and the second towards another permanent arrangement such as adoption. Unfortunately, case workers are not trained on what this looks like, and some courts are vague about what they require. Children may be placed in adoption eligible homes, while the state works towards reunifying, yet they also are communicating with the adoptive families that the child or children will be available for adoption with them if reunification doesn’t occur.

Unfortunately, the initial placement could have occurred quickly and even though the initial match factors were there, no one can officially staff this family until the goal changes to adoption. By that time, the children may have been in the home for several years, and what happens if the team determines that this family isn’t a good match for the child? Or, if there were siblings involved and there was never strong efforts made to find a home for them together. Now, years later, workers are trying to identify homes where all of the children can be placed together, which may cause another disruption and another loss for the child.

Better training and consistency with court requirements should occur to help so the above situations can be reduced.

What type of support do you wish you had had when you were a child in foster care?
My siblings and I were abandoned by my birth mother when we were four, five and six. For us, one day things were going along as they normally did, and then one day, everything changed. I didn’t talk to my birth mother again until I was 32 years old. In-between, I continually asked myself, what happened? Is she okay? Why would she just leave us? I also lost my brother after coming into foster care, and after my adoption, I lost my sister.

Unfortunately, because I did not display any outward signs of trauma or distress, nor did I exhibit anger or negative behaviors, people assumed that I was okay and that I was adjusting to the situation. No one took the time to help me understand what was happening. The system missed the boat on providing me with counseling to help me with the unresolved issues in my life.

One of the things I didn’t realize until recently, was that I actually lived three different lives. The first one was with my biological family until age five. Then, as a foster child until age nine - and finally, as an adopted child. In each one of these situations, I lost a little more of the “original Adam” as I like to call him, and adapted and changed to be accepted into my new situation.

So, what could have been different...a qualified therapist to help me with the trauma of losing my family and better training for those who were in my life. It seemed as if nothing existed prior to me coming into foster care and that my life began at age five.

There were definitely things that the state could not control, but there were plenty of things that they could have. For example, I only saw my brother once during the three years I was in my foster home. They could have ensured that I was having contact with him. By the time I saw him again, he was a stranger to me.

My adoptive family did a wonderful job after my adoption of helping me connect with my brother and sister. They created opportunities for the three of us to get together to celebrate holidays and birthdays.

Please add any additional thoughts you want to share, Adam.
Of course, I would love it if everyone bought copies of the Robbie Rabbit series. But, these books cannot cover every aspect or every scenario that a child may have faced or will face, but it is a starting point. The characters in the books give the child and caring adult a place to start.

These books aren’t the end-all-be-all, and I am sure people will find areas that need improvement or they may feel they don’t apply, but they are another tool to use when working with children in care.

By helping a child communicate his/her feelings, sharing one-on-one time together, building an open relationship, and creating an environment where a child feels safe to talk to you, I believe it will strengthen a child’s future.

Thanks, Adam, for sharing Robbie the Rabbit with us!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoption Book Giveaway on Adoption Angles on Mom TV TONIGHT!

2010-10-06T15:21:00.014-04:00

I hope you'll join me tonight at 9:00 ET for the fabulous Mel's Adoption Angles on Mom TV. Click the logo below and REGISTER to join the live chat!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoption Angles on Mom TV

2010-10-03T07:10:00.000-04:00

I've been invited to be a guest on Our Full Circle Mel's Mom TV show Adoption Angles. We just did a tech run through, and video and audio are working perfectly.

I hope you'll join us this Wed., October 6th, at 9:00 p.m. Eastern time. You can join the live chat by logging in at www.momtv.com/adoption-angles a few minutes to 9:00.

Mel is a doll, and we're ready for some meaty discussion about adoption realities.
BONUS - We're doing a giveaway during the show! A signed copy of my book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, will go out to one of our online "chatters".

I hope to talk with you then!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoptive Parents Ordered to Surrender 3-Year-Old to Biological Father

2010-09-29T16:49:00.002-04:00

I just read Adoptive Parents Ordered to Surrender 3-Year-Old to Biological Father by Honey Berk at Parent Dish, and I'm sputtering mad. (http://www.parentdish.com)

In her opening line Berk writes, In what may turn out to be a nightmare-come-true for adoptive parents, an Indiana couple risks losing their son today to the child's biological father in Ohio, after fighting to adopt the boy for nearly three years. I don't know Berk or any details of her personal life, so I can't hazard a guess as to why she chose to write from that perspective rather than the bio dad's or a neutral position. Why didn't she write, "In what may turn out to be a dream-come-true for first fathers, an Ohio father may finally be able to raise his son, after fighting nearly three years to have his legal rights as a first father upheld." I don't know.

Whether intentionally or not, Berk's word choice demonstrates an anti-first parent bias - especially first father bias - that I believe lurks beneath the surface of adoption today. That's a topic I'll tackle another time. For now, I hope you will read Berk's article. I am interested in your reaction.

Here are a few details from the article that I found particularly upsetting:

Bio mom wasn't required by law to provide bio dad's contact information to the adoption agency. (Why not? His DNA matters as much as hers.)

Within 30 days of his son's birth, bio dad registered with the Putative Father Registry in Ohio, which was weeks before the adoptive parents filed for adoption. (So bio dad asserted his paternity before the adoptive parents filed for adoption.)

Seventeen months later bio dad was awarded custody in Ohio court. That decision has been upheld by the Ohio Court of Appeals and by the Supreme Court of Ohio.

The voice of the law seems clear. Bio dad should get his son back - three years ago!

Parts of Berk's article made me physically ill. Those would be the quotes from the adoptive parents, e.g.,:
Quote #1 "He's never contacted us directly. He's never asked how the child is doing. He's never sent a birthday card." If I believed that someone essentially stole my child from me, I don't know that I'd contact them directly either. Perhaps he had legal counsel in that regard or was afraid of how easily he could be labeled a stalker, menace, obsessive, etc.

Quote #2 "What they'll say is they've litigated this from the beginning, that he filed a paternity action in the very beginning; that he's done everything he can do." And hasn't he? Hasn't he litigated it from the beginning? Didn't he file a paternity action in the very beginning? Hasn't he done everything he can legally do? Yes. YES! How can you feel good about keeping this man's child?

Quote #3 "We want him to have contacted Grayson and to have supported him, and our position is he has not done that." Excuse me? Really? So, if bio dad had contacted Grayson and 'supported' him (whatever that means), then what? You'd be happy to return his son to him? Doubt it! And besides, who are you to decide what hoops he or any other bio dad has to jump through to 'prove' his love for his son? The position of the Ohio courts is the one that matters in this case; not yours.

Quote #4 The adoptive mother is worried about how to tell her two other children. "There's absolutely no difference. He's our child, and he has been since the moment I held him." And this is where I cry, because Lady, I understand that feeling. I have felt that feeling. But feelings don't erase paternity. Feelings don't change wrong into right. I can not begin to imagine the pain of having to tell either of my kids that their sibling isn't going to be part of our family any more. The idea is devastating. But... you shouldn't have been allowed to raise him as your child to begin with. He was never relinquished for adoption by his biological father. And that sets up a situation where everyone loses.

Bio dad has lost the earliest years of his son's life.
The adoptive family is scheduled to lose the boy they have loved for three years as a son and a brother.
And Grayson loses everything. Absolutely everything. His parents, his siblings, his home, his world. He loses security, peace, belonging, and faith. Everything. Absolutely everything.

To those of you who think that Grayson should stay with his adoptive family, I agree that his loss will be tremendous and devastating. Enormous. Life-altering. But I have to ask, if someone took your infant child without your consent, how long would you fight to get him or her back? At what point would you say, "OK. It's enough. Just keep him. It's not worth the fight." Honestly?

Instead of bashing bio dad for wanting to raise his son (his son), why not bash the laws and regulations and protocols that make it ridiculously easy to delete bio dads from their children's lives? Why not work for adoption reform that values fathers as much as mothers?

Both my kids' birth mothers recognized the importance of fathers. Both realized that was something they couldn't give to their children, and that's why they asked my husband and me to adopt their babies.

How can anyone deny this bio dad the privilege of raising his own son?

What do you think?

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Response to 'Not My Normal Modus Operandi'

2010-09-20T15:08:00.002-04:00

Do you read Valency? I do, and one of her recent posts knocked some things loose in my head for me. I started to write a response, but it quickly became too long, so I'm posting it here.

Valency wrote this in response to a reader's comments on her post Not My Normal Modus Operandi: ...I am just so astounded that adoptive parents would even discuss how much their new acquisition “costs”, especially in an open setting like a blog, all laying out there for the whole world to read. And then to whine about how it is robbery and put them in an unfair moral dilemma????? Say what?

What follows is my response to Valency.
I think that some APs who do so have convinced themselves that they are entitled to parent. They resent their infertility. They feel frustrated, depressed, hopeless, impatient, and very sad. I know I did; I felt all of those things. Except entitled. I never felt that. I spent eight years in the crippling grip of infertility, and never once did I think that I 'deserved' a child or that someone 'owed' me a child or that another woman should just 'admit that she's unfit and give her kid up already' - sadly, all things I have heard (or read) PAPs say.

I haven’t yet been able to sort out how much of that attitude of entitlement is pure self-absorption and how much is cultivated by the adoption industry, whether intentionally or not. PAPs hear an awful lot from industry professionals about their (the PAPs) needs, desires, dreams, fitness to parent, choices, etc., and VIRTUALLY NOTHING about the needs, desires, dreams, fitness to parent, choices, etc. of first parents.

My daughter’s first mother was something of a mythical creature to me for a long time post-adoption, and I’m not a shallow pea-brain; I’m educated, insightful, and compassionate, but I was told zero about her except for some basic stats when we got The Call. We had waited years for The Call, and we were consumed by our joy and anticipation. It was shamefully easy NOT to think about first mother. The baby is here, the baby is real, the baby is ours! M (first mother) had never been made real to us. The role of first mother had never been made real. It had never been made to be more than a means to our end. (I feel sick re-reading that, but it’s true.) We were never directed or even encouraged to explore the adoptive experience from the first parent perspective.

In fact, the adoption professionals who spoke with us gave no indication that there was an “adoptive experience” at all for first parents. It was all about us and what paperwork we needed to complete and what appointments we needed to make and what monies were due when and to whom. Heaven knows, I was grateful for the support we got… we didn’t have a clue what we needed to do or how to navigate the logistics and legalities of adopting. But I noticed that my questions about first parents were dodged with “We’re handling everything with them” or “She’s fine.” I pressed, and I was redirected. I pushed, and I was reassured. “We’re handling everything with them.” “She’s fine.” And I accepted that they were and she was. I couldn’t even begin to comprehend the first mother experience and wouldn’t presume to know what a first mother might need, so I trusted the professionals. I wanted to do the “right thing” for my new daughter’s first mother, and I got the message that the “right thing” was to let the pros handle it. So I took myself off the hook.

I learned a lot over the next 3 ½ years, and I plan to stay on the hook for the rest of my days. My son’s first mother was real to me before I met her. Real to me even before we got The Call. My earliest thoughts were more about her than the baby.
Why is she doing this?
Has she talked with other first mothers?
Has anyone explained to her how her feelings may change as time goes on?
Is she making this choice because she wants to or because she thinks she has to?
I questioned whether or not I even wanted to adopt a second time. The experience this time was all about a woman who had chosen not to parent – I wanted to spend time with her and explore the roots of her decision, her relationship with first father, her thoughts of the future, her family, her needs, her emotions, her questions, her options, her journey, her strength, her conviction, her time with her child – and not at all about us wanting a second child. Honestly, not at all.

So, where am I going with all of this? I’m not sure. These thoughts have been ricocheting around in my head for a while, and I was prompted by Valency’s recent post to type them out and hope to find clarity staring back at me.

It's not yet.

I can wait.

There are a few more things I want to say:
• Every adoption professional I have personally spoken to or worked with has seemed genuinely compassionate and ethical. I don’t believe that any of them are knowingly malevolent or unethical. I have heard of some, but never encountered any.
• I can’t call to mind any APs or PAPs who are intentionally offensive, insensitive, thieving, womb-robbers. None that I know personally. I have found some on the internet, so I know that some are. My point is that many of us aren't.
• I support adoption as an option for first mothers/fathers who do not want to parent. (And yes, they exist, and yes, it’s terribly sad, and no, I can’t imagine being an adoptee that learns that about their first parents.)
• I think it is immoral for any state to make it easier for someone to adopt a child than for first parents to raise a child.
• I think it’s crass and insensitive for PAPs to complain about the cost of adoption or to conduct personal fundraising campaigns to defray their adoption expenses. JMO.
• I am deeply grateful to my children’s first parents for teaching me. I love you.

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Freelance Writer
Parenting

On John Wyatt - Utah Birth Father Case

2010-09-13T07:55:00.004-04:00

Julie at Rarely Home Mom recently posted her thoughts about an adoption case heard in Utah Supreme Court. Julie's post about the case involving birth father John Wyatt generated a lot of discussion (that's an understatement), and I was one commenter among many. This case strikes me deeply, so I'm re-posting Julie's post and my response here.

Julie is an adoptive mother, and I'm grateful to her for taking the time to explore this case on her blog. Honest, heartfelt discussion and debate are prerequisites for any adoption reform, and I appreciate Julie's passion and compassion. The issues raised by this case transcend John Wyatt, his daughter, and her adoptive parents, and I hope you will share your thoughts.

Julie's post:
The case involving John Wyatt (a brth father)
If you live in Utah, you’ve probably heard this news story about an adoption contested by the birth father. I get really angry every time I see this birth father, John Wyatt, speak, or see his story in written form. Really angry.

Here’s the thing: Utah has really strict laws about rights of birth fathers, and their rights are pretty minimal here. Here’s a basic run down for those not involved in adoption:

Utah law says that any man in the country who has sex with a woman anywhere in the United States has the responsibility to follow up with that woman and determine if a pregnancy resulted from their little rendezvous. If the man does not do that, he automatically has no rights to the child after birth. If the man does find out that he fathered a child, it is then his responsibility to show interest in that child before it is born. Some ways he can do that are by financially supporting the mother (rent, groceries, medical bills, etc.), driving her to doctors appointments, and so on. If a man knows he impregnated a woman and shows no interest in the baby before it is born, Utah law gives him absolutely no rights to the baby after it is born and the mother signs paperwork terminating her own rights (which can be done as early as 24 hours after birth if she is not on narcotics). If a man knows he impregnated a woman, supported her during her pregnancy and wants to retain rights to the child after birth, he MUST file certain papers in court in a very specific manner of time.

The case I’m talking about here is all wavering on that birth father saying he submitted papers to the court in time, and the adoptive family attorney proving that he did not have the papers filed until something like 2 days after the deadline.

I do see how in very few percentage of cases, this law might be a bit difficult for birth fathers. But I’m talking 0.01% of all cases might have a birthfather with issues with Utah law, from everything we’ve seen and researched. From all the family situations and birth family situations I’ve seen over the past few years, the laws in Utah work. They have been a lifesaver to countless birthmothers, and I sure appreciate them as an adoptive mom.

Here’s a very tricky thing about adoption law: each state has their own adoption laws, and they are incredibly different. When we were pursuing our failed adoption in 2005 we lived in CA and the babies were born in PA. We could have chosen to use CA or PA law, and because the laws in PA were difficult to work with for our situation, we chose to use CA law. When Joshua was born in Utah we still lived in California, but because Utah adoption law kicks the pants off of any other state in the country, we chose to use Utah law. Generally speaking, the adoptive family can choose to use the laws of either the state they reside in, or the state the baby is born in. There are times when an adoptive family does not get to choose, but I believe this is pretty rare.

The problem with this current case: Virginia – where the baby was born -has awarded custody to the birth father, but the adoption of the baby was by a family who are Utah residents and worked under Utah law, who has given custody to the adoptive family.

Huge problem.

Nathan thinks there is no where for this case to go but the US Supreme Court, and I’m starting to agree with him; although I’m hoping and praying the birth father’s family runs out of money before they can go that far.

Why does seeing this birth father make me angry?

I can’t understand what it would be like to lose a baby when you think you have full legal rights to that baby. I would be tempted to fight and scream and kick for my baby, too.

BUT at what point do you just STOP fighting and admit that even if you were wronged (which I do not believe he was, but play along – what IF he was wronged) – this is a human. This is an 18 month old human being who has a FAMILY. A sweet little girl, who might be ripped out of the arms of the only family she has EVER known (and by that time it happens (please, don’t let it happen) will she be 2? 3? 5 years old?) and given to strangers when she already has a safe and loving home. Can you start to imagine the trauma? This isn’t an orphan, a kid in foster care, an abused or neglected child. This is a girl – a daughter – who has a loving mom and dad and safe home.

This girl is not a lost dog who was taken in and loved by a new family until hey! her first owner was found and now we can reunite them! NO. She is not a lump of goods, trade-able property.

This is a HUMAN. A delicate, innocent baby girl and if she is removed from the only home she has ever known I can not imagine how it will impact her life.

An upstanding birth father, who actually cared about his daughter would never want her to go through that. In my opinion, his is the highest form of selfishness, bordering on evil. He is treating this little girl like property. A lost dog. John Wyatt is showing the world he cares not about his daughter, but himself. A real parent places the BEST INTERESTS of the child above theirs at all times. He is showing he cares about himself, not about what would be best for his birth daughter.

What do I wish he would do? What do I hope I would be strong enough to do if I were in his shoes? John Wyatt needs to say “I still think I was wronged, but instead of ruining the life of my daughter forever, I will fight and work tirelessly forever to change the laws of each state, and the way that states coordinate interstate adoptions, so this never happens to another birth father again.”

Anything less than that will show him to be only cruel, evil, and selfish.

My response:
This story pushes all kinds of buttons, and like Christine, I’m challenged to put my thoughts into words that will not offend. (Deep breath) I am an adoptive mother. I could never live with myself knowing that either of my children’s first fathers was in this situation, especially over a paperwork deadline. I don’t know this guy from Adam, but I do know this: it’s not as easy as “If he really loved his daughter he would let her go and spare her this mess.” Yes, on paper it may seem clear that it is far better to leave her with her adoptive family… bonding, etc. But this is his child. This is his life. She is of his BODY!

Rational or irrational, I would fight to the death for my children, and I think he truly believes that she should be with him. Why should he be denied that right? Because he missed a deadline? For crying out loud, it’s not a term paper. This is a child he CREATED!

I may be slipping into deletion territory here, but this brings up a lot of emotions. I’m disappointed with the way people use child development to justify separating child and first family. (Not just here; the argument is used all over the place.) For example, many people say that a child this age has already bonded with her adoptive family, and separation at this point would be traumatic, etc. Yes, I’m sure it would. Not life-threatening, though. Not insurmountable or irreparable. No. Children this age lose parents to death, divorce, work-a-holism, addiction, and incarceration, and with the right support, the kids grow up emotionally and psychologically healthy. To say that returning the child to her father would ruin her for life is overly dramatic. It would be sad and difficult and confusing for a while, but it’s doubtful that she would suffer lifelong repercussions from it.

As I said, I would fight to the death to protect my children, and I REALLY sympathize with the adoptive parents in this case. But that doesn’t make the first father less important. He is not less than they; his motivation and rights and feelings are no less important or relevant than theirs; he should not be dismissed simply because he makes other people uncomfortable or uneasy or self-conscious. This isn’t merely a transaction for him. This is a horrific personal nightmare. It’s easy for us to devour the headlines with breakfast. He is living this.

My last thought is that I really, truly understand the adoptive parent position. I’ve had my breath knocked out of me by disappointment, “failed matches”, etc. I know the agony of wanting to parent, of feeling sure that you are meant to be a mom, the all-consuming ache of infertility… but dang! No one owes you their child. No state should make it easier for people to adopt a child than for the first parents to parent. That’s morally wrong, and it makes me sick to hear that some adoptive families seek finalization in Utah because it’s faster/easier/safer. It’s an uncivilized concept.

Thanks for letting me chime in.

What do you think?

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Nature vs. Nurture in Adoptive and Bio Families

2010-09-10T16:20:00.001-04:00

One of my favorite blogging moms, Patti at It's Just One Hat, wrote an interesting post about nature vs. nurture. I've thought a lot about it, and I want to post a response, but since I'm blogging at glacial speed these days, I hope you will click the link for her blog and read it.

I especially like this that Patti wrote: My motherhood adapts to Jeb's personality/needs/tendencies, it has not formed Jeb's personality/needs/tendencies. I have found that same thing.

Thanks, Patti!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Freelance Writer
Parenting

New Adoption Book Review

2010-09-02T07:52:00.003-04:00

Many thanks to Adoptions From the Heart adoption agency for this review of my book, What I Want my Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective:

A must read for adoptive parents
Bacchetta refuses to embrace (or allow her children to embrace) the victim mythology too common in our society. She insists that her children take responsibility for themselves, their decisions, and their lives. (“You’re not unique because you’re adopted. You’re unique because you’re you.”) Bacchetta manages to do this while still acknowledging that adoption has a life-changing impact on all involved — the child, birth/first parents, adoptive parents, extended family on both sides of the equation. It is rare to find a book that takes the specific and applies it to the general in such a way. A must read for adoptive parents.
— Adoptions From The Heart

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Freelance Writer
Parenting

The Adoptive Parent on YouTube

2010-09-01T08:10:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Dennis (my husband/business partner/marketing wizard) I just launched a new adoption-related YouTube channel. I'll do my best to keep it growing, and I hope you'll visit it from time to time.

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Freelance Writer
Parenting

The Conscious Choice of Adoption

2010-08-27T11:06:00.007-04:00

I have learned that...
Some women do not want to parent.

Sometimes it's not a matter of money, health, opportunity, support, abuse, religion, coercion, safety, addiction, education, employment, or peer & family pressure.

Some women choose adoption in order to pursue their goals unfettered.

Some women find it a relief to make an adoption plan for their child.

Some women who are personally and situationally capable of parenting are flatly not interested in doing so.

Reality is independent of what I want to believe.

If you hurt, you hurt, If I hurt, I hurt. Neither of us has to justify our pain to the other.

There are choices I will never understand.

I believe that...
These women have as much right to make an adoption plan as a woman has to NOT make an adoption plan.

A woman (with or without means) is no more "wrong" for choosing adoption than a woman (with or without means) is "wrong" for choosing to raise her child.

These women are no more deserving than any other woman of being called "cold, callous, heartless, disturbed, sick, twisted, dysfunctional, ignorant, easily-led, weak, cruel, unnatural, or pathetic."

None of us can inhabit the heart, mind or shoes of another.

Von, who takes a lot of fire for speaking freely, is right. Collectively, we need to show more empathy, so that every voice may be heard.

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Summer Interview Series - Birthmothertalks

2010-08-25T05:00:00.004-04:00

Welcome to the eighth installment of my Summer Interview Series. Throughout the summer I'm posting interviews with people touched by adoption. I hope that you will enjoy learning about them as much as I have. Please let me know if you would like to participate or would like to suggest someone else for me to interview.

This week - Birthmothertalks

How has your life been touched by adoption?
I am a birthmother from the time when it was more common for closed adoptions. Last Oct, I found my daughter on a social network and we are in contact. So, far, it's only in the form of electronic contact. However, I don't blog about it in my open blog. It's private.

How did you come to make an adoption plan for Izzy?
I was scared and hid the whole pregnancy. I was only 15 when she was born. My Mom suggested and basically forced me to give her up for adoption. My Mom's sister who knew someone who wasn't able to get pregnant and they became the parents of my daughter.

How do you feel today about your decision to relinquish?
I seriously regret it. I have never gotten over my grief and the shame of not raising my daughter. I feel like not facing my reality of being pregnant and weighing my options has increased my sadness and also probably made it more likely that she was adopted out. I was in the hospital and wasn't able to have contact with my Dad who most likely would have helped me raise my daughter.

How has your life since placement compared with what you thought it would be like?
Adoption was thrown at me so fast... I don't know if I ever had an impression of how it would be like. but I do remember thinking that once I had my first raised child that I would be over the loss. It took both of my sons and years later to see that having more babies didn't ease my pain. If anything it made it worse. I would be loving a special moment and think of how my daughter was missing from our life.

You wrote this in one of your recent blog posts:
I have been trying to be more supportive of the birthmother's. I feel that is where my support should be. It's not that I can't read and comment on adoptive parents blogs, but if I am going to comment and try to support then it should be with birthmother's. Because the road a birth mother must travel on after parting ways with her child is very lonely.
It sounds as though you need to choose to be supportive of either birth mothers or adoptive parents; you can't support both. I'm quite struck by your perception that it is an "either-or" proposition. I'm curious why you can't do both. I can speculate, but would you mind sharing your thoughts?
I know I can support both birthparents and adoptive parents but I think I was falling into of a pattern of reading and commenting more on the adoptive Mommies blogs because I think we as a society only want to really talk about the good stuff. If you take the time to see how many follow adoptive Mom's blogs compared to birthmother's. You might see that the adoptive parents see quite a bit more support by comments.

Also, I can't always be sincere and saying that I hope you are picked soon or that the adoption goes through. Because, what I really am thinking is how I hope the women find a way to parent their own child. I kind of feel like hoping someone gets to bring home a baby by adoption is hoping a woman loses a baby to adoption. I got to thinking back to the day that I finally told everyone that I have contact with my daughter and I didn't get tons and tons of people telling me how excited they were for me. However, to the credit of some adoptive Mom's that I felt like I really connected with, I had already shared my news with them.

What do you think adoptive parents want from birth mothers? That is an hard one. I would have to say to be open and honest and understanding of each other from the beginning.

What do you want adoptive parents to know about your experience as a birth mother? I want adoptive parents in general to know that even though a Mom chooses adoption because she feel it's the best for her baby.. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love him or her. Also, if the Mom is grieving because of the adoption that it doesn't mean that they are upset about your skills about parenting. It's more about how they miss the child and feel a loss for them.

I think they should know that when it comes to meeting and accepting a match for adoption of a child to only agree to the level of what you feel that you can handle. It's very depressing to live day by day not knowing if your child is alive and being taken care of. It's hard to wonder if you seen your child would you know it was this. For me... I took it as something personal that was wrong with me. Like they didn't trust that I wouldn't steal her away from them. I love my daughter so much. I could never rip her away from them to heal my heart.

Lastly, adoption and my daughter have been shoved under the rug. No one spoke of her for years.

Are there any adoption-related books or publications you recommend? I am glad that you have asked. I have blogged about some. I really enjoy reading about adoption from all sides of adoption. It gives me a sense of being normal. Someone else felt the same thing and it made me feel more normal. Here is a handful of books that I have enjoyed reading. I know I am missing some but here is the list that I could come up with.
The Red Thread by Ann Hood
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler
Giving away Simone by Jan Waldon
The Adoption Reader.. birthmothers.. adoptive mothers and adopted daughters tell their story by Susan Wadia-Ells
Birthmothers by Merry Bloch, jones
Letters to my Birthmother by Amy Dean
The Other Sister by S.T.Underdahl

I know this isn't a question but I have a few final thoughts to add... Before blogging about adoption, I spent most of the years as a birthmother alone in the dark. My daughter was barely mentioned. My friends never knew about my daughter. Most of my family knew but choose not to discuss her or even let on that they knew about her. My daughter was born on Sept. 11 1991. When the attacks happened on 9/11 in 2001, it changed how often I thought of my daughter. It stole her birthday. My daughter's birthday was slammed together with the attacks. I had a really hard time and her birthdays started getting harder to deal with compared to getting easier.

Sometimes, I might come across as Anti adoption. I am not. I am also not praising how wonderful adoption is. I know it can be beautiful but at the cost of loss so deep that most people can't begin to comprehend the pain involved for the birthmother and from reading the adoptee too. I fall somewhere in the middle. I understand that sometimes adoption is the best choice. My brain understands this but my heart screams no!!!

What bugs me the most is how much people pay to adopt a child. I wonder how can the business be unbiased when they stand to make a profit if a women considering adoption choose adoption. It makes me sad to see people wanting to adopt to raise the funds from friends and family, because in a lot of cases if the birthparent had that same support either money or emotional support she could parent her own child.

Lastly, I want to mention how blogging about adoption has given me a voice to express my thoughts and sadness over adoption. I have connected with people from all sides of adoption. All sides have helped me in one way or another. The best friendship that has happened as a result of blogging was a birthmother who reached out to me when I needed someone the most. It was amazing to be able to talk to someone who really understood what I have been going through. We don't talk often enough but when we do... we sometimes finish each others sentences because we have both been there.

Thanks for your interest in my story.

Thank you!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoption Book in the News

2010-08-24T08:04:00.000-04:00

Many thanks to Steve Vogt for highlighting my book in his Democrat and Chronicle.com article Northeast residents, places make news.

Steve's weekly column features news and notes about the people and communities Northeast of Rochester. I encourage you to dig around in his Past Columns section. It's a great place to wander.

Thanks, Steve, for the mention!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoption and Your Child's Privacy

2010-08-19T10:13:00.006-04:00

Andi at One Sweet Family has a post up about adoption and privacy. I agree with everything she says, and I want to share it with you.

Make a great day!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoption Book Signing August 21, 2010

2010-08-17T11:10:00.000-04:00

If you will be anywhere between Rochester and Buffalo this Saturday, August 21st, please join me at The Book Shoppe in historic downtown Medina, NY. I'll be there from 11:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. to discuss and sign copies of my book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. But wait. There's more!

The Book Shoppe is soooooooooo much more than a book store. In fact, it's everything that's great about indie bookstores. Besides books, Sue and Roland (the owners) offer a variety of flavored coffee, teas, gift items, stationery, greeting cards, toys, games, and custom-made gift baskets. As soon as you walk in you'll feel like you belong there, and it's nearly impossible to leave without making at least one new friend.

The Book Shoppe has a huge selection of books, including "New York Times" best sellers, and if you don't find what you're looking for in the store, Sue will happily place a special order for you.

Come out this Saturday. Any weather is book weather, and I'd love to have a nice warm (or iced) cuppa with you!

The Book Shoppe
519 Main Street
Medina NY 14103
585- 798-3642

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Summer Interview Series - Von

2010-08-10T08:29:00.002-04:00

Welcome to the seventh installment of my Summer Interview Series. Throughout the summer I'm posting interviews with people touched by adoption. I hope that you will enjoy learning about them as much as I have. Please let me know if you would like to participate or would like to suggest someone else for me to interview.

This week - Von

How has your life been touched by adoption?
I have been an adoptee since I was six weeks old. Next month will be the 66th anniversary of my adoption which has never been celebrated in my family by the couple who adopted me or by me after I grew up. I find the celebration of a day that is traumatic and one of loss for an adoptee a rather strange idea. In my adult life I have worked with adoptees to bring about reunion and was privileged to learn many things from those who had relinquished their babies and longed for their return and from adoptees themselves.

When I was fifty I was lucky enough to be reunited with my own mother and in the last year have met, for the first time my half-siblings, my father's other children. It is not easy as an only child to learn to be a sister! They have been wonderfully accepting considering it is impossible for my generation to prove paternity. My sister Glenys is possibly the big sister I always wanted and I relish her involvement in my life...she buys me clothes, sends me parcels, phones me, remembers my birthday and is spending Christmas with my family for the first time this year. I sometimes wonder what our mothers and our father would have thought!

I have also been active most of my adult life in trying to come to terms with my own adoption and the effects it has had on my life and that of my family. There were six adoptions in my wider family, some out of the family have been found, some not.
Adoption has touched my life in many ways and will continue to do so all my life.

Your blog is a vast resource for information about unethical practices, legislation, and corruption in the world of adoption. What sources do you use to stay current on these issues?
I actively research, read newspapers online and am sent links by others who know of my interest. I also read the blogs of others and am grateful for the interaction that occurs between bloggers and the themes that run through blogs which are useful and quite fascinating in how they occur. Through long experience in people work and with adoption a sense develops of when there is an adoption theme running in a story, even when it has not been expressly stated and needs to be winkled out. My commitment to adoption reform and my good fortune in being born in a country that now has a fairly progressive view of adoption also help in keeping me motivated. Retirement is also a factor!

Is there any circumstance in which you think adoption is the "right" decision?
Yes I do.There are circumstances I have known where parents are unable to raise a child or provide a safe, secure, healthy environment. Although a hard decision, it is then better for the child to suffer the loss of attachment and have a better chance of survival. I have known children so abused they failed to thrive, who once adopted managed to lead productive, although damaged lives. Had they stayed with their parents they may not have lived to adulthood. There are no miracles in adoption!

What do you think is being done well in the practice of adoption?
It depends on where you are talking about. I would say a country that has no adoption or very little is doing well in encouraging and supporting families and good child care practice.

What do you think needs to be changed in the practice of adoption?
Any country that still practises adoption, needs to radically rethink why adoption is still available as a way of creating another family where two exist already when a child is born. Any country not supporting families to stay together, encouraging contraceptive practices particularly in the young and maintaining double agendas is doing badly.

By double agendas I mean the sort of situation that exists in some countries where the young are encouraged to think that sex is for marriage, which it never has been in reality, while discouraging the availability of contraceptives and advice but encouraging and promoting adoption as normal and a caring gifting gesture to fulfill the wishes of others.

Anywhere adult adoptees cannot access their birth records and information and allows a group of people to be second class without the same rights as others is, in the light of long practice in other countries, out of step, dysfunctional and running a very strange and dubious agenda.

From your experience, what do you think are the most important things for adoptive parents to understand about adoption?
That you can't alter DNA, there is no such thing as a 'clean slate baby', that loss of attachment is painful and damaging and no ammount of devoted care and love can make up for it. They need also to look very carefully at their motives in wanting to adopt to decide who it's really about and who it's really for.

If for instance they are concerned to save starving children from Africa, there are other ways that in the long term will achieve better results for children. They also need to know that adoption doesn't cure infertility and that if they are infertile they need to have actively sorted out their issues before they attempt to raise the product of another's fertility or parent an adolescent.

What are your thoughts on the permanency of the primal wound?
I believe from my own experience and from views I hear from other adult adoptees that the primal wound is permanent and lasts for life. You can be counselled, have therapy, support, a loving family and make a good life, but the damage never disappears and has to dealt with every day for life. Some days are good, some days are better and some days are the pits.

I'm sure you've read many accounts of adoptee's bad days on blogs and they all have the same thing in common...the damage was caused by adoption. It is hard and unpalatable truth for adopters but harder still to live with, never knowing when you'll be plunged into the depths or by what. Recently one of my fellow bloggers was 'struck down' when trying to choose a card, something so simple, something so hard and complicated and full of significance. It happens all the time and lurks around every corner no matter how happy and satisfying life is.

If you had the world as your audience for one hour, what would you talk about?
Empathy, my pet topic and favourite word. There is far too little of it around and many who have not learned to walk in the shoes of others. If we all were able to be more empathetic, most of the world's problems would resolve. Greed and selfishness result from lack of empathy and are so apparent in our life today, in the way businesses operate and Governments interact with each other. The American adoption industry is of course a prime example of a lucrative operation built on loss and suffering. Would one hour be enough?!

Is there anything else you'd like to say?
I hope in the next year or so to see my Government in Australia apologise to the 300,000 mothers who lost their babies to adoption between 1940 and 1980 and were treated inhumanely, often cruelly and told to forget. I hope too to see the adoptees, the white stolen generation receive their apology. Nothing repairs the damage but an apology is a recognition of the reality of what was done.

Adoption in my State is almost non-existent as illegitimacy has disappeared and no pregnant woman or girl, would dream of giving up her baby. I would like to see adoption disappear altogether in my lifetime and it seems in my country it may almost be possible.

To adoptees I'd like to say keep finding your voices and speaking out until all understand what adoption really means.

To adopters, raise your adoptees with as much understanding, skill, love and care as you can muster but please don't do it again!

Good wishes,
Von

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoption Counseling

2010-08-06T13:50:00.008-04:00

Anyone whose life has been touched by adoption knows that adoption changes you forever. Many people - whether adoptee, natural (birth) parent, or adoptive parent - find the adoptive experience quite different from what they imagined, and they ricochet from joy to grief to self-doubt. Guilt, depression, and confusion are common emotions following placement and adoption, and can make it difficult to feel whole and functional on a daily basis.

Common adoption-related concerns include:

Adoptive Parents
* Connecting your child with his or her roots
* Post-adoption stress or depression
* Separating “adoption issues” from general “life issues”

Adult Adoptees
* Talking to your adoptive family about your birth family
* Search and reunion
* Separating “adoption issues” from general “life issues”

Birth Parents
* Post-placement grief
* Search and reunion
* Taking care of yourself

I understand the unique challenge of adoption and adoptive relationships. I live it. I've learned how to love it. You can too.

Adoption counseling is a guided approach to finding your voice and moving forward in your life. Regain your balance. Get more information about adoption counseling at the Adoptive Parent website.

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Summer Interview Series - Rich Mintzer

2010-08-04T10:39:00.001-04:00

Welcome to the sixth installment of my Summer Interview Series. Throughout the summer I'm posting interviews with people touched by adoption. I hope that you will enjoy learning about them as much as I have. Please let me know if you would like to participate or would like to suggest someone else for me to interview.

This week - Rich Mintzer, board member Adoptive Parents Committee the nation’s oldest and one of the largest adoption support groups) and editor of Adoptalk newsletter.

How has your life been touched by adoption?
My wife Carol and I adopted our daughter Rebecca. She changed our life by making us parents. Being members of APC has also given us the opportunity to give back to the adoption community by helping other people as volunteers. We have felt the satisfaction of seeing other couples, and singles, adopt, and in some cases know that we played a small role in helping them form their families.

What are some of the challenges you have faced as an adoptive parent, and how have you responded?
Our daughter had times at which she feels hurt or abandoned by her birthmother, especially when life milestones occur. It is difficult to see her feeling such pain, but we weather the storms with her, assure her that no matter what ever happens we will not abandon her.

What, if anything, about adoption has surprised you?
I’m always a little surprised by how little so many people know about adoption. People have so many misconceptions thanks to the media, but you would think that more people would be touched by adoption personally through friends or family members.

What do you think is being done very well in the adoption world today?
I’m most impressed by the new medical technology used for international adoption. Doctors such as Jane Aronson, among others, can use the Internet and digital photography to help couples or singles adopting in countries around the globe as they determine the health of a child.

What concerns do you have about the state of adoption today?
Too many different rules, not only throughout the world, but here in the United States. The variety of state laws and judicial ruling regarding adoption cases creates too many loopholes for unscrupulous individuals to bilk money from unsuspecting couples, and singles, looking to adopt. Facilitators need to be licensed and governed, as do attorneys and agencies on a national level with stricter parameters that protect both birthmothers and adoptive parents from those wishing to take unfair advantage. Children are not a commodity and should not be treated as such, especially in our own country.

What would you like to share about Adoptalk?
Adoptalk provides updates about adoption and the Adoptive Parents Committee to our 1,000+ member families and to other people who get it at meetings or at conferences. It is our communications tool and can hopefully help people with the adoption information they need.

What suggestions can you make for prospective adoptive parents in terms of fully preparing themselves for adoption and post-adoption?
No two adoptions are alike. Learn as much as possible, do not listen to the nay sayers because it can be done, but keep your eyes wide open. While it’s easy to be guided by emotions, you need to be smart and know when something isn’t right…so you can walk away from a situation if necessary. Also, have broad parameters…nobody will find the perfect child, and even if you think you’ve found one, he or she will grow up with imperfection like everyone else. Post adoption means raising a child, always being there for him or her and dealing with the adoption issues as they occur. Read up and be prepared, but understand that not everything will have to do with adoption, many issues are simply childhood related.

Where do you stand on the issue of access to original birth records?
I personally think that adoptive parents should have access to such records for medical information and that the adoptee should have access at the age of 18.

Is there anything else you'd like to share?
Adoption is a wonderful way of forming a family.

Thanks, Rich!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Open Letter to Adoptive Parents and PAPs

2010-07-27T08:22:00.006-04:00

Dear Adoptive Parent/Prospective Adoptive Parent,

Today I came across yet another blog of a prospective adoptive couple using their blog to chronicle their "journey to adoption." Sadly, it read more like an online tantrum.

We've spent a fortune already and we still don't have a baby.

We were matched with a birth mother last year who changed her mind after she gave birth and she refused to follow through. I'm still angry about that!

Everything was set until the birth father got involved and that was the end of it. He was uninvolved for the whole pregnancy and then decided to care after we made an agreement with the birth mother. It's not fair!

I'm an adoptive parent myself. I understand the agony of infertility. I experienced the gut-wrenching uncertainty and anxiety and helplessness of the adoptive process. And I understand using your blog as a release valve; I often do the same thing. However, (deep breath), I don't understand the attitude of entitlement. I don't understand resentment toward birth families who ultimately decide to raise the children they themselves create (How dare they?). I don't understand how you don't understand that some of the language you use is crass and base and incredibly insensitive. I don't understand how you think you will love a child as children need to be loved when you seem to have such a low opinion of birth families.

Certainly, you can use whatever language you choose; it's your blog. But when I read the words below on an AP/PAP blog... it scares me. Seriously. It scares me because it reflects a narrow, self-centric perspective on adoption that I think is unsettling at best and dangerous at worst. I know first-hand the challenges of adopting. I'm NOT suggesting you deny your feelings or just grin and bear it. You need the support of people who know what you're going through.

What I am suggesting is that if you're working so hard to become a parent perhaps you should work harder on expressing your feelings with more sensitivity to birth families, adoptees, and other APs and PAPs.

Words to look out for:

1. Words that refer to the cost of adoption - cost, money, expensive, finances, savings, loan, etc. When PAPs complain about how much money they've invested in the adoption process I want to shake them and say, "I know birth mothers who would give everything they have, including body parts, to be able to raise their children or to have contact with the children they placed for adoption. These women paid dearly for their decisions, and you're crabbing about what it costs you?" You can choose to adopt privately or from foster care if you can't or don't want to pay adoption agency fees. Unless you're discussing ethics and the need for adoption reform, complaining about money is tacky and insensitive.

2. "Deal", "promise", or "agreement" as in "We made a deal with a birth mother but she changed her mind," or "She promised to let us witness the birth," or "She violated our agreement." I'm not even sure where to start with this one. You made a deal? She made a child. She has the right and obligation to make the best decisions she can on her child's behalf, regardless of what plans she may have made earlier in her pregnancy. Hormones, denial, stress, support resources, health... things change rapidly during pregnancy. Most parents waffle for months over what to name the baby, what color to paint the nursery, and whether or not to introduce a pacifier. Please, show some respect for one of the most important decisions a woman can be faced with.

3. "Lie", "deceive", or "manipulate." Even if it's true. Even if you can prove it. Even if it hurts a lot. Assume that it was unintentional. Assume that she did the best she could under the circumstances. Assume that anyone who deliberately deceives you is in a worse position than you are.

4. "Our" as in "our birth mother" or "our baby." They're not.

5. "Want." Of course you want a child, perhaps more than you've ever wanted anything in your life. I get that. But "I want, I want, we want..." makes you sound grabby. What you want is still a part of another woman's body. That's pretty heavy.

6. "Hero." Birth parents aren't heroes. Well, I know some who deserve the title :), but speaking generally, they're no more or less heroic than anyone else. Birth parents make the decision to place because they think it's best for their baby, not for you. It's not about you. It wasn't about me, either. It's not about making an infertile couple's dreams come true. It's not about being a hero.

7. "Deserve." You don't deserve children any more than I do. No one does. It's not a birth mother's responsibility to provide you with a child. She's not a breeding sow.

8. "Pray." Please, please, please don't ask people to pray that a birth mother "makes the right decision and gives us her baby" or anything along that line. Do you believe that God would rip a woman apart mind, body and spirit in order to answer your prayer? Do you really want to believe that? I'll pray with you for grace and patience. I'll pray with you for peace. I'll pray with you for a birth mother's strength and clarity. And I'll pray with you for everyone's health. Please don't ask people to pray for you to get what you want at the expense of someone else. Is that what you're going to teach your child?

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Book signing at Lift Bridge Book Shop

2010-07-26T09:03:00.008-04:00

I thoroughly enjoyed my book signing at Lift Bridge Book Shop in Brockport, NY on Saturday, July 24. I got to meet a few of my readers and introduce my book to some new friends. Heartfelt thanks to everyone who stopped in. It was a real summer treat!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoption E-book Special Offer

2010-07-24T15:55:00.005-04:00

The best-selling adoption book What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective is now available as an ePub file compatible with many popular e-book readers and devices, including Apple’s revolutionary new iPad, iPhone or iTouch, Barnes & Noble nook™, Blackberry, Kobo eReader, and Sony Reader.

For a limited time the ePub version is available for just $7.49 - that's 25% off the regular price.

Visit http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/16177, select from the available e-book formats, and enter coupon code GU95G prior to completing checkout.

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoption Book Review - Growing Up Black in White

2010-07-15T11:02:00.004-04:00

Growing Up Black in White is Kevin D. Hofmann's memoir of growing up as a bi-racial adoptee in an all-white family. When I began reading Hofmann's book I expected to enjoy the read, but I doubted I would find anything new. No stranger to transracial adoption experiences, I assumed his book would be a variation on a familiar theme.

I made a note in the margin on page 5. And on page 8. And on page 13. Thirty-five notes in all in a 168 page book. Growing Up Black in White is definitely not merely a variation on a familiar theme.

What Hofmann does so well is tell his story. He simply tells his story, without activism or criticism or politics, and that's what I found so moving. He writes sincerely and humorously about the joys and challenges of his childhood, growing up, and his racially-mixed family. Other than demographic details, the chronicle of his personal evolution is thematically similar to that of Langston Hughes, William E.B. DuBois, and James Weldon Johnson. But Hofmann's story is uniquely accessible.

The story of Hofmann's childhood is the story of my childhood, told from the "other" side of my black friends. The "black side" that I never saw. His is the story of being black, of "acting white" and wanting to be more black. It's the story of what Natalie and Jamie and Diana listened to and talked about when they weren't at my house listening to Bobbie Sherman and Peter, Paul & Mary. It's the story of how much of themselves they kept hidden from me... without me ever knowing.

Hofmann made me realize that in some ways Billy Council and I experienced our sandbox marathons very differently - he as the son of our hired housekeeper and me as the daughter of his mother's employers - and in other ways very much the same - as two kids enjoying summer in each other's company. Growing Up Black in White has me reliving scenes from the Virginia Beach Kings Grant Elementary School cafeteria and understanding for the first time why Natalie and her mother always sat in the last pew in church rather than sitting up front with us. I always thought it was just because our mothers didn't want Nat and me fooling around in church.

Growing Up Black in White is poignant, funny, and enlightening. Hofmann's decision to steep his story in the ordinary moments of life was inspired. His book pulses with an authenticity that will transport you back to your own childhood. If you spend any time at all there I trust you will see things you never saw before. Because as Hofmann shows, regardless of your skin color growing up is never simply black and white.

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoption - Journey to Motherhood

2010-07-13T11:02:00.016-04:00

Yesterday I had the absolute pleasure of appearing again on Mary Beth Wells' radio show Adoption - Journey to Motherhood. Mary Beth is a birth mother and an adoptive mother and we discussed five realities of reunion. As always, Mary Beth was a gracious and enthusiastic host.

Visit the Adoption News section of the Adoptive Parent website to listen to the .mp3 version of the TogiNet radio interview.

Thanks for listening!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

On Tap This Week

2010-07-13T10:37:00.000-04:00

I'm taking a break from my Summer Interview Series this week because I need to let some other thoughts and musings out! Summer Interview will return next Monday.

Over the course of this week I'll share my review of Kevin Hofmann's fabulous book, Growing Up Black in White.

I'll also circle back to some of the interviews I've posted thus far and share my reactions to them.

And if I can get my thoughts into words, I'll talk about our upcoming reunion with our son's birth family. That's a big "IF", because... it's always a staggering experience for me and difficult to express.

As always, I appreciate you reading and sharing!

Make a great day,

Sally

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Saturday Author Salon at Lift Bridge Books

2010-07-08T10:37:00.016-04:00

I hope you can join me Saturday July 24th for the inaugural Saturday Author Salon at Lift Bridge Books. I'll be there from 2-4 pm to chat and sign copies of my book What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

If you're a Lift Bridge shopper you know that it's a real gem right on the Erie Canal. If you've never been, this is the perfect time to check it out. Lift Bridge has an amazing assortment of books for every reader, including a full-to-the-brim Children's Department and books of Local Interest.

If you already have my book, stop in anyway! I would love to see you, and chances are you'll find something else you "must read" from the shelves of Lift Bridge.

Celebrate summer with the Saturday Author Salon at Lift Bridge Books, 45 Main St. in historic Brockport, NY, July 24th 2-4 pm.

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoption Book Hits #2 on the Amazon Best Seller List!

2010-07-07T10:52:00.020-04:00

Whoo-hoo! What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective is now the #2 best-selling adoption e-book in Amazon's Kindle Store.

Thanks for the support!!!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Summer Interview Series - Myst

2010-07-05T07:50:00.007-04:00

Welcome to week five of my Summer Interview Series. Each week I'll post an interview with someone touched by adoption. I hope that you will enjoy learning about them as much as I have. Please let me know if you would like to participate or would like to suggest someone else for me to interview.

This week - Myst

What is your name/title as you would like it to appear on my blog?
Myst

How has your life been touched by adoption?
I am a mother to three children; one whom I lost to adoption 12 years ago

How would you describe your opinion of/attitude toward adoption?
This is a difficult question as overall, I am not in favour of adoption and most people would label me as "anti-adoption" as I did for a long time myself until I discovered what this term meant to others. I see situations where I know nothing else other than adoption would have been good enough for a child who is in desperate need of a safe and loving home; I just wish there was a way we could do this for kids without adoption as I find adoption a bit like a guillotine.

Have your thoughts and feelings about adoption changed at all over the years? If so, in what ways and by what influence?
Yes, they have somewhat changed. At the beginning of my journey it was all about my rage and pain, now it is more about the fact I see so many people who have suffered as a result of adoption and what adoption has done to people and myself over the years. I like to think in some areas, I have broadened my thoughts and feeling about adoption and I do tend to think more about things from all points of view than I used to which is also part of becoming mature as one ages! Many people have influenced the way I have changed, as well as myself. I have met many mothers, adoptees and adoptive parents all whom have taught me more about adoption, some of it bad and some of it good. Now it is about surviving and supporting others who have been through the same kind of experiences.

Thinking of adoptive and prospective adoptive parents you know, how would you rate their understanding of what adoption is like for birth parents?
Wow, this is a difficult one. Sadly, most prospective adoptive parents I have had interaction with has been in adversarial circumstances and they have refused to listen to the reality of adoption loss. I have only a handful of adoptive parents who get adoption loss from the perspective of the adoptee, but for my loss... maybe only a couple? So I wouldn't rate the understanding that well.

Thinking of birth parents you know, how would you rate their understanding of what adoption is like for adoptive parents?
To be honest, I have no idea what other (first) parents feel. I think they see adoptive parents in a fairly negative light due to the fact many of them have had promises that were made by adoptive parents directly, broken amongst other things. In my situation, where the adoptive parents of my child actually took me to court to fight me for my child, I do not have warm feelings towards them and many others like them I have met. Having said that, I am thankful I have met some (a very small number of "some") who are not like them and thrugh them I have been given a glimpse into some of the difficulties they face. But in general, honestly, I don't think parents have much idea what adoption is like for adoptive parents.

People who I doubt would ever think of saying, "Wow, you're pretty enlightened for a woman," or "It's so nice to find a black who thinks like you do," seem perfectly comfortable saying to me, "I'm really surprised to hear that from an adoptive parent," and "I appreciate that coming from an adoptive parent." I assume good intentions, but I am nonetheless saddened that anyone would pre-define me by what little they know about one of the most personal decisions I have ever made. Have you experienced anything like that? If so, what has been your response?
Yes, I have gotten that but in a more negative frame. My loss is dismissed or I am burned at the sake for callously "giving" my child away. A few people have given the typical "oh how selfless" rubbish that I really detest given it wasn't a choice I made but one that was made against my will and by some other man.

I have a three-part question: I have encountered virulent forms of prejudice from all corners of the global adoption community. I have been dismissed, denied, attacked, and mocked because I am an adoptive parent, rather than because of a particular opinion I put forth.

* Have you ever had a similar experience based on your adoption-related label(s)? Yes, all the time

* What do you think is at the root of this ongoing conflict? To be honest, I think it is adoption itself. I fail to see where it fosters good will based on how it is practised and the myths and generalisations floating around out there about each group.

* What do you think needs to happen in order to achieve greater peace among all factions of the adoption community? A tough one. I am not sure if peace can ever be achieved because on one hand you have a woman doing the most unnatural thing she could ever do by placing or relinquishing her own child, then you have the baby who is confused and bewildered by what is happening or the older child who has been through so much they are not sure what this next chapter is going to mean and they both struggle at some point with their loss and being denied a voice and then you have the party who gains, the adoptive families where in many cases (but not all) want to pretend the child is a blank slate and has no other family. Each party is so starkly on the opposite side and the gap, especially given how adoption is practised currently, is too wide to bridge. I feel if adoption were something else where all parties could work together for the best interests and welfare of the child, something could work but the very nature of adoption is to completely strip a person of the life they are born to in order for them to have their adoptive life and I think this fact causes much angst. There is too much dishonesty and covering up in adoption. Things need to be wide, wide open and I don't think denying original birth certificates fosters any goodwill. Also the feeling of who owns the child needs to change... as no one does because no one owns anybody.

What challenges you most in your life (adoption-related or not)?
Okay... in my adoption life, the pain of not knowing what is going to happen in the future and whether or not my girl will come back to us or have some kind of relationship with us. In my non-adoption-related life, my other two children constantly challenge and bless me! Plus just the normal challenges of every day life like work etc.

What has been your greatest personal triumph in the last year? In the last five?
Wow, okay... I don't really know! In the last 5 (or six I should say) it has been being a mother and showing myself that I was right all along and that those who told me I would ruin my child's life were wrong. You see, when people say things like that, it stys in your head. To me, being married didn't mean I would change and so I concluded that something must have been so terrible about me that I was not fit to be a mother (despite being told my whole life I would make a great mum and the fact I was a Nanny for many years). Those statements at such a low point in my life did so much damage and I believed them. Having my second daughter and seeing how amazing she is and having so many people comment on how amazing she is has helped me realise it was just another method that was used to get my daughter from me. So yeah, that has been a personal triumph and my kids mean the world to me.

Is there anything else you would like to say about your personal experience, adoption in general, a blog you'd like to share, etc.?
For those who would like to know more about my story, my blog has it all in every gory detail LOL: Living in the Shadows. Thank you Sally!

Thank you, Myst!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

So, I Heard From This Birth Father

2010-07-01T11:30:00.008-04:00

A birth father recently contacted me asking for advice. I don't think I've ever felt less qualified to give advice, but I was willing to listen and see if I could be helpful.

I heard that during the pregnancy he never considered raising his daughter and that he believes he made the right decision, except when he worries that he made a mistake.

I heard that he has grieved every day since she was born, that he regrets relinquishing his parental rights, and yet he is relieved that she has a better man than he for a father.

I heard his fear of how either his absence or presence may affect the girl he helped create, how some days he wants desperately to have contact with her, and how other days he never wants to know anything about her.

I heard that he hates himself, feels like a loser, and is ashamed. He is afraid she will feel the same way about him. About her birth mother. About herself.

I heard that alcohol is the reason he conceived a child, the reason he didn't want to parent, and the reason he gets up in the morning.

I heard that he is grateful to adoption for giving him an out and grateful to her adoptive parents for giving her a better life. I heard that he resents adoption for giving him an out and resents her adoptive parents for being able to give her a better life.

I heard him blame himself, his parents, her birth mother, her parents, a social worker, a doctor, his aunt, his brother, "the world", "the media", and "the church," but he never said what the blame is for. For getting pregnant? For choosing adoption? For his addiction? I'm not sure. But he never once blamed the child for anything.

I heard that his shame is rooted in the fact that he does not want to parent his child. He desperately wants to want to parent her. But he doesn't. And that makes him very, very sad.

I listened. I cried. I felt his pain. And I never felt less qualified to give advice.

Click here to purchase a print version of Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Summer Interview Series - Michelle (Prospective Parent)

2010-06-28T10:20:00.003-04:00

Welcome to week four of my Summer Interview Series. Each week I'll post an interview with someone touched by adoption. I hope that you will enjoy learning about them as much as I have. Please let me know if you would like to participate or would like to suggest someone else for me to interview.

This week - Prospective adoptive mother Michelle P. from Blogginstyle.

What is your name/title as you would like it to appear on my blog?
Michelle P. from Blogginstyle.

How has your life been touched by adoption?
I have to be honest in saying adoption was not something I gave much thought until it we were faced with infertility challenges. I had a good friend in elementary school who was adopted but it was not something that we ever discussed. At that time adoption were so hush hush….I know we discussed it at my family dinners when my curiosity peeked about the subject, but I was told not to speak of it with her.

Five years ago a good friend of mine was blessed with a little girl through adoption and then a little boy a few years later, so I certainly heard her story from start to finish. However in my naivety at that time I never thought it was something that would touch my life so deeply.

When Terry and I discovered that having biological children would not be an option for us, we of course were devastated, and spent time mourning this. We knew though, we still wanted to be parents. By this time we now had a few different couples in our lives that had been blessed with children through domestic adoption, so we had a few very positive experiences to hear about and learn from…..it didn’t take long to know that this was something that we definitely wanted to do. It has been wonderful to learn and gain insight from these couples…so we decided to start the process of domestic adoption.

We both have always tried to stay very realistic about where this could take us. It may work out but it may not. We truly want our prayers to be answered, but know that if that is not to be we will be okay…we love each other and are best friends…as long as we have each other our lives will be full.

Has your impression of adoption (in general) changed at all during the time you've been waiting to adopt? If so, in what ways and by what influence?
When I think back two years ago and reflect on my opinions and knowledge of adoption in general, I have to chuckle………NAÏVE…that is all I can say. From thinking that this would happen very quickly, to being so scared when our social worker even suggested ‘open adoption”. It is amazing how much I have learned in the past year and a half. Much of my new found knowledge has come from all the wonderful people I have met through my blog. As well all the great online sources.

The one thing that sticks out in my mind is how we felt about open adoption when we first started into this process. It was something that definitely made us nervous. However after chatting with a wonderful birthmother that I have come to know and hearing her story and listening to her and the joy she has when she gets to spend time with her son….I quickly came to realize just how important an open relationship can be for you as a family, for the woman that has given you this amazing gift and of course most importantly that special child.

I have found that the longer I live the more my perspective shifts as I encounter and incorporate new experiences with my own history and impressions. I have been surprised by how much the reality of being a parent, and an adoptive parent, differs from my expectations. What resources have you tapped into to prepare yourself for becoming an adoptive parent? What has been most helpful to you, either specific resources or specific advice?
I am always amazed as well, at how my thoughts and views change the older I get. I think I would have been a much different parent in my 20’s, not better or worse just very different. I doubt I would have been ready to truly be the best parent to an adopted child. I do believe that raising an adopted child is much different in some ways than raising a biological child. Like any prospective parent I have expectations and ideals that most likely will be blown out of the water once reality hits, but at this time I have surrounded myself with books, websites, and friends that are raising adopted families. I am taking their cues on how to handle different situations that arise.

What degree of openness do you hope to have with your child's birth parents? Why?
Well this is a very interesting question for me right now. Like I said earlier if you had asked me this question last year I might have replied by saying hopefully not much. However after a year of growth and knowledge I would love to have an open adoption. I do believe that if handled properly from the very beginning stages of an adopted child’s life the benefits of openness are astounding for adopted children. Unfortunately we are currently matched with a birthmother that is choosing no openness at all, she would like a completely closed adoption…which makes me sad, but we respect her wishes and know that she has some very good reasons why this adoption should continue to be closed. I have said to her many times that our door would always be open to her and her family if ever there is a time that they would like to have contact.

What has challenged you most during your wait? What has been your response?
The only way I can describe the waiting period for me would be the most intense rollercoaster ride. There are times when I have been fine, patient…realizing life is going to happen and there is not one thing you can change about it. Then there are the other times when I am a crazed mad woman that feels totally out of control and needs to take action. That for me is the hardest, the lack of control. Most of your waiting time is spent with no control over the situation…..

What I have done to keep myself occupied was tons of work, tons of fun with my husband, travel, redecorating…crafts, jewelry making…you name it I have done it.

If I can give any advice it would be, don’t beat yourself up at some point in your wait you will have a melt down or two….it is going to happen…you may not be able to go to that baby shower for a friend…that’s okay…because chances are the next one you will be just fine…don’t pressure yourself.

I said to you not long ago that your child will need the particular gifts of yourself that you develop during the wait. What strengths or insights do you see that you have developed?
This wait has changed me in many ways…..the most wonderful thing the wait has taught me has been the hardest lesson of all. Patience! This is not something I have ever had much of. I think this is the one lesson that God knew I needed to learn before raising a family. Now I don’t think I will be getting any awards for being the most patient person around or anything, but I certainly have learned to calm down a bit. I think this is really in invaluable lesson to have learned before bringing a child home.

I really believe I will be a much better mother after this wait is over. Not only will I not ever take anything for granted again, but the desire to be a mother and parent a child is even deeper than I ever thought possible. I know I wanted this when we started into this journey but now I have had almost 2 yrs to really think about it, pray about, and ponder it….I know this is something that the 2 of us truly want.

People who know you know that you have a very close, beautiful relationship with your mother. I imagine you hope to have the same kind of relationship with your child. What are your expectations of a relationship with your child's birth mother, both yours with her and your child's with her?
Yes my Mom and I are extremely close. Besides Terry, both my Mom and Dad are the closest people to me….we are so blessed both of us, with such wonderful families…all sides….the support is amazing. I don’t think that I can give an accurate answer to that question because you never know what your situation is going to look like. There are certainly people that come into your life that you would want to welcome into your family, and want them to be a huge part of your child’s life. However that may not necessarily be the case. I really think you have to take your situation and come up with a plan that is best suited for everyone involved. At the very least what I want is, if my child ever wants any information we will be able to get for them.

Do you have any misgivings about your decision to adopt?
At this point I don’t have any misgivings about our decision. We still feel very strongly, like I said earlier maybe even more so now than when we started this adoption journey. It has been a challenge thus far….it has many low points but we are sure that in the end it will all be so worth it!

Thanks, Michelle!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Summer Interview Series - Gregory Franklin

2010-06-21T07:50:00.010-04:00

Welcome to week three of my Summer Interview Series. Each week I'll post an interview with someone touched by adoption. I hope that you will enjoy learning about them as much as I have. Please let me know if you would like to participate or would like to suggest someone else for me to interview.

This week - Adoptive parent and adoption attorney Gregory Franklin

What is your name/title as you'd like it to appear on my blog?
Gregory A. Franklin
Ashcraft Franklin Young & Peters, LLP

What are some of the adoption-related challenges you have faced as an adoptive parent, and what are some of the things you've done to overcome the challenges?
The biggest challenge was the realization that my son did not necessarily share my joy at being a parent! Adoptive parents need to remember that many adoptees experience feelings of loss, disruption and inadequacy, among other issues, and that we adoptive parents must be sensitive to the presence of those feelings.

What about being a parent has surprised you? What about being an adoptive parent has surprised you?
I don’t see many material differences in being an adoptive parent than being a non-adoptive parent. My biggest surprise was how all-consuming it is to be a parent - I could barely remember my life before I became a parent, and how inconsequential that life had been!

The socio-political tide seems to be turning against international adoption, with a variety of factions citing a variety of reasons. What are your thoughts about the current state of international adoption? How is it different than when you adopted your son? What do you think the future holds for international adoption?
I am saddened that those steering international adoption apparently believe that it is better to allow a child to fester in an orphanage than to be given the chance to thrive in an adoptive home. Between greed, bureaucratic barricades and homophobia, international adoption is a pale shadow of its former robust self, and I am saddened that this situation shown no sign of changing.

As an adoption attorney, you connect with a lot of newly adoptive parents. In general, how well-prepared are they for the experience of being adoptive parents? Do you notice any commonalities in terms of how they prepare themselves, their understanding of birth parents' experiences, and/or their views about openness in adoption?
I think that adoptive parents are least prepared to understand that their joy may not be shared by their child, and that any issues which their child may have are not a reflection on the adoptive parent or the parent’s parenting abilities. With respect to openness, I have certainly observed the trend towards greater openness in adoptions, and the fact that most pre-adoptive parents are more open to openness.

The media makes much of "adoptions gone wrong", which feeds misunderstanding about the legal permanence of the adoption bond. Would you comment on that (the legal permanence of adoption)?
There is one adoption thrust into the media spotlight for every 20,000 “silent”, successful adoptions. I just made up those numbers, but the media, and people in general, focus on the abnormal and notorious, as opposed to the uneventful adoptions which happen every day. The huge likelihood of success will not stop adoptive parents from being paranoid, but a finalized adoption in New York can never be challenged unless the adoptive parents themselves were part of the chicanery.

I hear different opinions about whether or not post-adoption agreements are legally binding. Opinion aside, would you clarify the facts?
Every state has its own laws, but the answer is clear. Post-adoption Contact Agreements (which have the awkward acronym PACAs”) are enforceable in New York agency adoptions, if the agreement is approved by a court. They are not fully enforceable in private adoptions, but a well-written agreement can clearly delineate the expectations of the parties, despite its limited enforceability.

I'm interested in your thoughts about the issue of access to original birth records. What do you think is the best way to balance a birth parent's expectation of privacy and an adoptee's desire for information about their beginning?
I’m not so sure that a birth parent necessarily has an expectation of privacy in this day and age. Most adoptions today have at least a degree of openness. The perception exists that birth parents in years past were told that the adoptions were completely closed and that they would not have to worry about contact, but that was presented as a fact, not as an option.

In my experience, there are few birth parents who do not welcome some degree of contact with their adult biological child. The bottom line for me is that a child is entitled to know who they are, where they came from and how their adoption came to be. Open records are a way to provide some answers to these questions if the adoption has not been open and the child unaware of these answers. Some adoptive parents feel threatened by their child having access to this information, but the balance should be tilted towards providing that information to the adoptee – adoptions are, after all, always supposed to be in the best interests of the child.

What resources do you suggest for adoptive parents and their adopted children?
While it may sound self-serving, I think that pre-adoptive parents should consult with an adoption attorney at the very beginning of the process. Neither the Internet nor an adoption agency will offer unbiased information and present the widest range of realistic options.

Thanks, Greg!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Summer Interview Series - Ola Zuri

2010-06-14T07:50:00.005-04:00

Welcome to week two of my Summer Interview Series. Each week I'll post an interview with someone touched by adoption. I hope that you will enjoy learning about them as much as I have. Please let me know if you would like to participate or would like to suggest someone else for me to interview.

This week - children's book author Ola Zuri

1. What is your name/title as you would like it to appear on my blog?
Ola Zuri, Children’s Author, Mentor

2. How has your life been touched by adoption?
When I was two years old, my twin sister and I were adopted transracially out of foster care in Montreal, Quebec, Canada. I also have a sister five years younger, who was born to my adoptive parents. When I was almost seven, I moved to Calgary, Alberta. I had a rough childhood when it came to fitting in, belonging to a group, and being able to relate with anyone. As I looked around me to see what I could find that I could relate to or with, it became apparent that there was not a lot that was out there for me. I have struggled during this life for many years, not knowing who I was or where I belonged. I found, and still find, that many other adoptees that I speak with had similar experiences of not belonging and of feeling lost within their worlds. I am now an author of children’s books that help children with their own healing and journey toward self with positive messages to believe in oneself.

I decided that the children of today needed to have a resource that could help guide them through the issues that so many transracial adoptees appear to go through. Being that the stories stem from personal experiences of my being an adoptee, I believe that the children will be able to feel a connection with my being the author who actually went through the same feelings, questions, emotions, and problems that they will go through. The books that I have to offer to the children are a series that I wish I could have had as I was growing up. Having the opportunity to work through the ups and downs of all the various questions, feelings, and emotions that are explored in these books will help the children as they grow, rather than when they are grown.

3. What is your relationship today with the members of your adoptive family?
My relationship with my adoptive family is fairly minimal - when I first brought up the subject of how I felt growing up with the family I did and the experiences I had with the little, actually no, real support from them, I was more or less banned from being a part of the family. It was a “how dare I act as if my life was so bad when they had adopted me and done the best that they could.” My mom and I had not spoken for years until recently yet when I do something she disapproves of, she gives me the silent treatment all over again and I don’t hear from her. As far a my father, we haven’t spoken for years, at least ten. He seems to have little or no interest in what has been happening with myself and my children and I am unable to provide the extra time out of my busy life to run after him.

4. What is your relationship today with the members of your biological family?
My relationship with my biological family is non existent. My biological mother passed away a few years ago and we had been in an on and off contact situation, via mail, for about four years before that. As for other members of the family, I was in contact at the beginning of having found my biological mother in 1995 and then things kind of stopped and we have not communicated since the death of my biological mother in 2004. I have a half brother whom I expected to continue contact with yet for some reason or another, he was always off doing his own thing and never returned calls or letters so that relationship has not bloomed.

5. Understanding that every child and every situation is different, I'm nevertheless interested in your thoughts about trans-racial adoption in general:
* What do you think are the long-term effects on the child (positive and negative)? On the adoptive parents?
The long term effects on the child are pretty diverse. What I mean is that all people are different and have different views on what happened in their families and within their communities. Having no one to relate to or look like you can be a very difficult thing for a child to have to overcome - seeing the negative attitude towards some races in the media and seeing how the celebrities adopt certain races and the not so positive media attention they receive can be devastating for some - living in small towns without the diversity a large metropolis may have can be hard for some to adjust to - Children who do not have a connection with others who look like them actually can gravitate towards them as they are growing up - there is an uncontrollable need or want, a longing inside of something the child doesn’t have yet somehow realizes is something he/she needs - keeping connections to people of color is extremely beneficial for the child to see who he/she may be able to relate with.

There are positives that can take place for a child in the love and support that the parents put forth with any literature, mentoring groups, hair supports and anything parents are willing to do to help keep a child in contact with their cultural background. The resources parents have today for their child are valuable tools for ensuring the chid has an extra connection to their race, history, and culture.

Adoptive parents can have long term effects in very negative ways where they feel resentment toward the child whom they adopted for not feeling like he/she fit in - for not having the belief that their love should have been enough during the child’s childhood - positive effects parents could be the resources parents are willing to include in the child’s life - from the hair products and salons, the mentoring groups, the same race as the child contacts, the cultural inclusion within the family, the positive literature available to both the parents and the children and the pure enjoyment of being a parent to a child!

* If you were to place a child for adoption what would be your first choice of adoptive family - same race, trans-race, or doesn't matter?
If I were to place a child for adoption, my first choice for an adoptive family would be a same race family. I say this because it was difficult for me to find out things about being a person of color in this world when my parents could not, would not, be able to relate to or understand what it was I was feeling or going through. I would want my child to have a family of the same race who could assist him/her through the issues of race, status, and any other issues because of the simple fact that they would be able to relate to what it was he/she would be going through. Having said that, there are definitely not enough people of color adopting children and the reality is the majority of children available for adoption are children of color and the parents who are available to adopt are generally non color families.

However, I do not believe children should be left in the foster care system because of the fact there are not enough same race families to place them in. All children deserve to have a home and a family and being left in care can be harmful, hurtful, and extremely detrimental in how a child develops a positive self image and positive self esteem. So in the end, if my child were to be adopted by a trans-race family, I would encourage interactions with others who look like my child and finding other outside influences to aid in the development of the child.

* Do you think trans-racial adoptions are more a function of a surplus of Caucasian families or a dearth of families of color?
There are certainly an abundance of families who are not of color than there are of color. Unfortunately, there is such a high demand of children of color in foster care and in international orphanages that are awaiting homes and not enough families to adopt them. That being said, I can see the reason more families not of color are able to adopt transracially.

* Do you know of any Caucasian children who were adopted by families of color?
I know of one family of color who has adopted a child who is not of color. I have not seen nor heard of any others - there may be more yet they are not in the same abundance as the reverse so it is not as prominent in the communities.

* There seems to be a strong interest or need among communities to label people. Which of the labels imposed on you have affected your life more, "female", "adopted", "trans-racial", or "African-American"? Do you think of yourself in terms of any or those labels, other labels, or none at all?
As I was growing up, the pressure that I felt to be “more black” was actually really important to me when I would meet other black people. I didn’t understand the foods that they ate and sometimes the different clothes that they wore or their accents. I remember that most black people that I met had a different attitude towards me when I said that I didn’t know what they were talking about when it came to certain foods or music. Having been raised in a very white, country music city, the exposure to anything black was virtually non-existent and I didn’t have the support of parents who were willing to show me anything that had anything to do with black culture.

As I continued to mature, I found myself drawn more and more towards things that were black - clothes, foods, books, art, music, movies and even starting to collect items for whenever I would have children of my own. I felt it was important to make sure that I had some things that made me feel like I was black, that I “got it.” The labels of being female, adopted, transracial, or African-American have not been the focus on my life as much as the labels “black,” “foreigner,” “minority,” and “ token.” These labels have affected my life because of the derogatory way they have been used to describe me. I have had too many people tell me I didn’t belong or wasn’t accepted because of the label placed on me.

* Similar question - To the best of your knowledge, what labels have affected your parents most, and which labels do they apply to themselves?
My parents have never expressed any discomfort with being called Adoptive Parents - they may have felt it more when I was growing up because of the differences in family dynamics of the era, yet now when we are anywhere in the public eye, the label doesn’t seem to come up at all nor do people seem to question the fact that we are a family anymore. For them as parents, the label of adoptive parent is better now than it was then.

6. How have your thoughts and feelings about adoption changed over time (both with respect to your personal experience and adoption in general.)
My thoughts and feelings about adoption has changed many times over time - when I first started writing essays and term papers on adoption, I was completely for it - race didn’t matter, love did - end of discussion. As time went on and I was discovering who I was, who was inside of me that I didn’t know, as I met others in the community and talked about adoption, transracial adoption and race issues, I came to realize I was not at all at the same crossroads as I was earlier in my life, when it came to supporting adoption, as I had been to begin with.

The disconnect a child feels from not being with the biological family, the loss of a culture, and a community, when a child is adopted transacially and internationally, the confusion a child goes through with regards to identity, the unknown that most adoptees feel as they are growing up and some decide to ignore it and move on with life, while others take everything to heart and work at finding the answers to their healing - as I realized these areas were extremely important to someone who is adopted, I knew my rational feelings and thoughts toward adoption in general was hugely affected.

7. What would you like people to know about being adopted? About being adopted trans-racially?
What I would like people to know about being adopted and about being adopted transracially, is that it all matters! What I mean is everything in an adoptee’s life is not the same as your biological child’s - their background cannot always be traced, the biological family may not be in the picture or may be to start and then al of a sudden stops, - everything from hair, skin, race issues to culture, music, heritage, genes, biological parents and siblings and even extended family members - all of these areas matter and need to be addressed with the adopted person at one, five, twenty, one hundred times throughout a lifetime - the need for connection by adoptive parents to their adopted child is key to ensuring a healthy bond, a healthy connection, a healthy journey for both the parents and especially for the child. After all, it is the child who was adopted into the family, not the other way around. Being told you are special because you were chosen, is not always what an adopted person wants to hear. It is not as special as some people may think.

My parents didn’t put a lot of time or effort into ensuring that I felt okay as an adoptee, let alone a transracial adoptee. I wish my parents had actually acknowledged my race as something I had to deal with. I didn’t realize I would go through the racism problems I had to because my parents never made it an issue or concern for me. There were times when my parents would snap at people with angry comments about my being an adopted child and that embarrassed me more than helped me feel good about one, being adopted, and two, being black. Being that I am black, I think that race is a huge issue for a child to have to all of a sudden deal with on her/his own. Having the support, words of encouragement, and love from my parents would have helped me face the racism and, ultimately, my own identity, a lot easier than I was able to.

Children need whatever kind of love and support that they can get and having an extended family that cares about their well being and development is very important and extremely beneficial. As I was growing up, I did not have the luxury of having grandparents that cared about what happened to me, or about developing any special bonds of love and sense of belonging and being a part of the family. My grandparents on my father’s side, did not like the fact that my sister and I were black and showed it. There was always the attitude of non-acceptance in the air when I remember going over to their house and the children can be seen but not heard when over there. Too many times I remember having to lie on the floor over there and play the game of who can lie still the longest and then I would end up falling asleep because it was always for so long. I never enjoyed going over there.

My mother’s family was a little more welcoming but there was a definite clash between my grandfather and I because he never treated me as if I belonged and that was hurtful because my sister was treated better than I was with him. I think that as long as the children have extended family that are interested in developing bonds with all of the children and show the same love and affection towards them all, the children will benefit a lot by having that extension available.

8. Are there any resources you recommend for birth parents, adoptive parents, adoptees?
The resources that are available today are immense compared to when I was growing up. There is a lot more literature, support groups, counsellors who understand about attachment and belonging who can aid or assist with the child(ren) who feels out of place. There are also support groups in the way of mentoring for children, in the form of multicultural camps or mentoring groups, a place where everyone comes and it is all about them, having fun together and being a part of an experience geared toward the child(ren). These resources are so helpful for the family as a whole because there are many opportunities given for each member to see others who look like them, to have a network of people who have, or may, experience similar things being in the same type of family situation. When I was growing up, I did not have any other families around me who looked the same as my family did - I was never exposed to others who may feel what I felt nor did my parents have any friends in the same situation.

The Believe In Me program I have started and am taking across the country, has been widely accepted already. The overall purpose of the program is to provide positive literature to encourage and empower all children to believe in themselves with determination and faith while discovering and using perseverance for success and overcoming obstacles in life.

Believe In Me gives parents the support needed to raise confidence levels in
children. It provides resources for the educators, support workers and community members while helping children develop to their best level as individuals. This program creates ways for all children, in every part of the country, in building positive self esteem from within. Why Can’t You Look Like Me and Where Do I Belong are the first two of six titles in the program. These books open children up to having to deal with their feelings when they are unsure of how to feel. They offer a distinctly broader view of dealing with situations any child may experience that is on the level of the child. Next, the books emphasize roles to actively teach and encourage the child to believe in what is inside of himself/herself and not on what others may say or want for him/her. The variety of subjects to be included in the series include family, belonging, fitting in, identity, adoption, foster care, and most importantly is building a positive self esteem and a positive self confidence within the children.

9. Anything else you want to say?

So, don’t get me wrong with the answers that I gave. I know that I was very fortunate to have the family that I had when I was growing up. I had a roof over my head, clothes to wear, books to read, gifts and activities to experience. Having said that, I would take it all back in a heartbeat if I could have had a family that had actually wanted me for me, a family that loved me no matter what, and believed in me and what potential I had and could have. My parents thought they did the best that they could and I guess in reality, they did not seek out any resources that there may have been for them and ultimately, for my sister and I.

I personally didn’t think very much of it was the best and now with my own children, I do so many things differently. I do not want my children growing up thinking that I don’t believe in them, love them or want the best for them. The attitude towards them will always be one of pride and confidence in all that they can do because I know that I missed those qualities in my parents when I was growing up. The book series that I have in the works will help all children to believe in themselves, in who they are inside, and to rely on what is right for them not what is going on around them.

Not all children are lucky enough to have parents that care about what is happening in the everyday for their children. By having the books I am writing available in schools and libraries, it will still give all of those children the opportunity to read them when the parents won’t provide them with their own copy at home. A child will develop as he/she is taught and will withdraw into his/her own world when there is no positive resource available though the family network. Let’s hope more families are willing to bend a little and see there is more to adoption than meets the eye and be open to any and all assistance available to them! After all, it’ s for the children!

Last, but not least, is something I would like to express is one word that describes what “belonging” can mean to a child:

acceptance - acceptance within one’s family, one’s school, one’s community - when a child believes he/she has been completely and totally accepted into their family, the ability to believe in and accept oneself becomes so much easier for a child. what I mean is a child who has a parent(s) that will listen to all of his/her concerns, issues, problems, emotions, worries and will not judge or try to do the quick fix for the child, this child will have gained such a feeling of acceptance from the parent(s) because whatever the issue was, the child will have always had the support from someone who wanted to provide it, not from someone who was obligated to provide it.

Children know when someone is being genuine and when someone is doing something because it has to be done. there is a difference and the parent(s) who can figure it out and can be there 150% without expectation, without judgement, without ridicule or sarcasm, or any negatives, that(those) will be the parent(s) who have children that are more willing to share thoughts, feelings, dreams, problems, and everything life has to bring their way. it is more likely for these children to be open with a support system who has been there throughout the times of confusion and will continue to be there.

Kids go through so many issues in their life and belonging should never have to be one of them - the reaality however, is that all children seem to have to go through some sort of belonging. whether it be in a sports related area, a school function, a school group, a class environment, or even within the family, there is some place in a child’s growing up years where “belonging” is something he/she has to try and do. as a child is growing up, the everyday stressess of wondering what to wear and what to pack in the lunch bag should be the most important things on a child’s mind - not wondering who he/she can sit with in the lunch room, or who is going to play with him/her on the playground, if anyone will play with him/her. worries about what others think about him/her is very unfortunate and has a lot of kids diagnosed with anxiety disorders as a result of not being able to handle the pressures. belonging is a way for others to say “you don’t belong” and then the child deals with how to fit in and where to fit in. when a child is taught from the formative years to believe in who is inside of themself and not on what others say or want for him/her, the child will have inner strength when the “belonging” issues cone up during school or sports and will be stronger for himself/herself in handling the situation with a positive attitude and positive outlook on how he/she can deal with the situation.

Thanks, Ola!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Best-selling Adoption Book Now Available for Kindle

2010-06-10T16:00:00.001-04:00

The best-selling adoption book What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective is now available as an e-book through Amazon's Kindle Store.

Kindle and Kindle DX are the revolutionary portable e-readers that wirelessly download books, magazines, newspapers, blogs, and personal documents to a crisp, high-resolution electronic ink display that looks and reads like real paper. Kindle and Kindle DX utilize the same 3G wireless technology as advanced cell phones, so users never need to hunt for a Wi-Fi hotspot. Kindle is the most wished for, the most gifted, and the #1 bestselling product on Amazon.com.

Visit http://tinyurl.com/2cpo4an to purchase the book or download a sample that can be read on the Kindle e-reader or on a PC, Mac, Blackberry, Android, or iPhone device using one of Amazon’s free reading apps.

What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective will also soon be available as an ePub file compatible with other popular e-book readers, including Apple’s revolutionary new iPad, Barnes & Noble nook™, and Sony Reader.

Click here to purchase a print version of Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Summer Interview Series - Kelsey Stewart

2010-06-08T08:24:00.005-04:00

I've met so many interesting, challenging, and truly wonderful people through adoption that I've decided to run a Summer Interview Series. Each week I'll post an interview with someone touched by adoption. I hope that you will enjoy learning about them as much as I have. Let me know if you would like to participate or would like to suggest someone else for me to interview.

Welcome to interview #1 - Kelsey Stewart, author of the children's book The Best for You

1. What is your name/title as you would like it to appear on my blog?
Kelsey Stewart, Author

2. How old are your children, both those that you placed for adoption and those you're raising?
My daughter is in her twenties and my twins are soon to be in their twenties. I do like to keep their ages a mystery because I am more public than they are. My two sons that I am raising with my husband are ten and seven.

3. What is your relationship today with the children you placed?
I have known my daughter since she was born. Her parents are two very understanding and compassionate people who agreed with me that she should have access to her roots should she need or want to explore it. I saw her throughout her life and we do talk, or I should say type, often. We say I love you, we chat intensely sometimes, and sometimes we just talk sports.

I stayed in touch with my twins parents their entire life and just last summer they contacted me through the Internet. We have been spending the time since then getting to know each other through writings but we have not had an in person reunion so to speak. They have been very kind and it is still very new, but I do love their understanding and amazing sense of humor! It seems, 20 some odd years later, that they have all grown up healthy and happy kids.

4. What was at the root of your decision to place? Who or what influenced your decision and in what ways?
I influenced myself. My life was at that root of my decision to place. I was a child of divorce in a time when divorces were not the norm. I grew up thinking that it was the Army that was keeping my father away from us, not the fact that he had another family somewhere else. I had many, many abandonment issues as an adolescent. I worked through them eventually, but at the time I was dealing with quite the confusion and sadness of not knowing my life story in it's entirety until it was far too late not to be affected by it!

When you grow up without a father because of divorce, it has some very different demons that will cause you to think twice about becoming a parent alone. Did I really want to put my child through that pain? That loneliness? Did I want them wondering what the hell they did wrong to make him leave complex?

Oh I know, some out there may say ... "Well Kelsey, isn't that what you did? Did you not abandon your OWN children when they were born?" Good point. And I would have to answer yes. With a but. You see, my mother did not choose for my father to become disenchanted with family life. My mother did not choose to walk life alone, scared, strong sometimes and defeated other times. She did not choose for me to have such issues with being the victim of his disloyalty to me, his disrespect to her. She did not choose those things. And although it was extremely difficult for her, she always came through optimistic that there was something out there that was worth it.

I lived with it, and did not want it for my children. I am strong and speak well for myself so I was able to fight and get what I thought was an open adoption that would work for all parties involved. I made sure that my parents knew that I WOULD NOT be able to do it if they did not let me know just how they were. I did not want constant contact, (remember this was over 20 years ago when open adoption was not very acceptable) I just wanted to see pictures and hear about them twice a year. I knew that I could not not see them, could not forget them, and needed to just keep in touch, if for nothing else to let them know that I cared and thought about them.

I knew that I needed to place them for adoption because I could not do it alone, and I was not in a very good place mentally at the time. I was still dealing with many, MANY issue with my own life and head to be able to raise another person. I know when to ask for help and I am not afraid or ashamed to do so.

5. How did your family and friends react to your decision?
I could not have been more supported or loved. It was all around me. Everyone I knew, who knew me and what I had been through in my short life (I was 19 when blessed with my daughter), and they all thought it was very brave of me to know what I wanted, and what was best for the child at that time. From my biggest supporter, my mother, to the friends I had, to all the cousins who still to this day tell me how proud they are of me for what I was able to do, then live with, and eventually talk proudly about....well to say that I was fortunate would be an understatement! I am one incredibly luck gal to have such love, such comfort around me, both now and definitely then.

6. Was the birth father involved in the decision? In what way?
Well, my daughter's father signed the papers and pretty much let me handle everything. We broke up not long after learning I was pregnant, reasons I will not share because I do not like to speak for others and this is very private information for my daughter. He relinquished his rights and that told me he was acknowledging her and trusting me that this was best.

I married the twins father years later, so to say that he is involved would be a true statement. He loves raising his kids now, and did think and miss the twins all their life. He is just more reserved about being so open about it, it's just his style. I am not saying that he is ashamed of it or anything like that, he just thinks it is none of your business because it is his life. Again, I do not like to speak for others and I respect him more than any other human on this Earth.

7. How have your thoughts and feelings about adoption changed over time (both with respect to your personal experience and adoption in general.)
Thoughts on adoption have been varied. Personally I am one proud woman for working through the deep heartache of loosing a child. I make no candy coated claims that adoption is always fantastic. I have spent all my years since my daughter came into the world walking everyday without her. Then, to do it again was probably more difficult because I knew what society would have to say about it, even worse, what some think about it.

This leads to the second part of the question the feelings of adoption. Mine have changed almost yearly, depending on what trend adoption is in at the time. Sometimes it is looked upon as a good thing, caring and accepted leading me to feel pretty good about it. Sometimes it is looked upon as the devil's work of money loving individuals who will coerce and lie in any way to make adoption happen leading me to such pain to think that some were forced to leave their children. The later just hurts my feeling because I am lumped into that group that is considered "brainwashed or just plain soulless" because I have a rather happy outlook on adoption. I really don't understand all the controversy that has irrupted in the last 10 years. Adoption truly is a cauldron of mixed opinions and voices that shows what an amazingly personal and heartfelt matter this is. Has it changed? Oh yes! It is now in an age were the whole world can read a plethora of information about all walks in the triad and sometimes, just too much information.

8. What are your thoughts about degrees of openness in adoption? How do you think different degrees of openness affect adopted children at different stages of development?
I am a big believer that a child should always know that they are adopted. Honesty is a quality everyone likes, so just because they are littler than us doesn't mean they would not appreciate the truth. Sometimes you have to allow the child to lead the way into knowing about their birth/natural parents. I believe that communication is THE key to open adoption.

If both sets of parents keep in contact and set rules that can be looked at frequently to determine what is needed in the child's life. I do think that a child can be overwhelmed by the whole thought of it, perhaps feel some kind of loyalty that they do not understand but do not dare question because they are the life givers. If the lines are open and the parents are on the same page it make it much easier to talk to the child and find out what the degrees are. But it definitely is changing all the time. I know that some birth/natural parents sometimes distance themselves which can make it difficult, but it is just another way to cope or heal for them...it's not to be read into too much. I remind you, I do not speak for all birth/natural parents, I only speak from my own experiences.

9. What are some challenges you have faced in your relationship with the children you placed and with those you're raising? (related to adoption or not)
Regarding adoption, the biggest challenge with my adopted children is the awkwardness of getting to know you. It is very stressful because you do not want to scare off, but you do not want to ignore the tough questions. Or just starting a conversation, that is also sometimes very difficult for me...I think too much.
Adoption and the children I am raising is talked about from time to time, but it is not always a subject. They ask questions about their siblings and I have always been straight forward with them. They both love the idea that there are siblings out there that want to meet them. They have a very good idea of what adoption is in my life, and they embrace that I have a big heart.

Other challenges not regarding adoption? Why there is always laundry, everyday! Keeping schedules, hurt feelings (those little faces try so hard to keep it together but when the tears come I just melt, then I am no good!), teaching perseverance, teaching how to clean up afterwards, how to keep my cool when I have already asked more than twice, and making sure they always know that I have their back...not matter what.

10. If you had it to do over again would you do anything differently?
I believe that if you live in the past you will always find something that did you wrong, but if you look ahead you can change those wrongs with what you have learned.

11. What would you like people to know about being a birth parent?
It is not an easy life to lead. It changes all the time. I just wrote the other day about how life moves on and sometimes you can be going along just fine, but then one thing...one thing will turn your world upside down because of adoption. I am not complaining about it, I am just saying that it is something that never goes away. I am proud of what my children's lives have turned into and I am fortunate enough to have the luxury of knowing them. I have always, always carried them with me, every step of the way. My children were wanted, they were loved and I did what I thought was the best that I could do for them at the time, and I am here to say that they are pretty terrific people!

12. Are there any resources you recommend for birth parents, adoptive parents, adoptees?
Tapestry Books is a fantastic resource for all things in adoption literature. I like to recommend the Internet, but I do not know your tastes. There are just so many out there, search around for a voice you can believe in and that keeps you thinking outside the box.

13. You say that "Adoption is God's love given twice." That's a very positive perspective. What is your response to people who have had horrible adoption experiences, either as birth parents, adoptees, or adoptive parents?
I speak from my experience only. I always say that, and I mean it. Sure, I am a little on the sweet side of the birth/natural mothers, but again I believe that it is what you do with your life that makes your character. I write to inspire those who need a voice they can believe in. I write to help birth/natural mothers feel not so alone in their journey, to remind them that no matter their story they are strong women. I write to help adoptive parents think differently about their birth/natural parents. I write to help adoptees who might be wondering if they were ever thought of so that I can say YES!, almost always YES! Sometimes just listening is what I do best.

The road is not always easy, and may not be the road you were expecting. But you have to have hope along with faith that you will make it through and perhaps you will find your peace.

14. Anything else you want to say?
I thank you so much for inviting me to do this! You have asked some very thought provoking questions, so much so I have been making notes as I answer because some of the things I want to touch on more in depth, so thanks for that as well. I feel very blessed and useful knowing that there are people out there who take an interest in what I say. If I can help just one person feel comfort, or feel validated, or feel differently about something I made them think about...well I consider myself very, very lucky.

Thank you, Kelsey!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoption Book Reading and Signing

2010-06-02T10:25:00.000-04:00

I've been a fan of indy bookstores since I was old enough to buy my own books. It's a great thrill for me to now promote my own book at two local indy bookstores.

On Saturday, June 19th, I'll be signing copies of my adoption book What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective at 10:00 a.m. at Village Bookmarket in scenic Palmyra, NY. I expect to be highly enough caffeinated to do a few readings from the book, so I hope you'll join me for a visit to Village Bookmarket, "The Little Store that's BIG on Service."
207 East Main St., Palmyra, NY, 14522
(315)597-0210
www.VillageBookmarket.com

And at 4:00 p.m.on Sunday, July 25th, I'll be at Books, ETC. of beautiful Macedon, NY. I've worked in Macedon, hiked in Macedon, dined in Macedon, and now I'll be reading from my book in Macedon. I hope you can join me at John Cieslinki's fabulous store, Books, ETC.
78 W. Main St., Macedon NY, 14502
(585)474-4116

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Special Offer on Best-Selling Adoption Book

2010-05-25T10:04:00.004-04:00

My new e-book, An Adoptive Parent Primer, is scheduled for release on June 7th.

For the next 7 days I'm running a special pre-launch offer! Everyone who buys a copy of my adoption book What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective through the Catch a Rising Star boutique section of Barnes and Noble online will receive a copy of An Adoptive Parent Primer absolutely free! You will receive one free copy of An Adoptive Parent Primer for each copy of What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective you order through Barnes and Noble online. Just send me a copy of your B&N order, and I'll get your e-books out to you!

If you know anyone who was adopted, has adopted, is hoping to adopt, or placed a child for adoption, online ordering through Catch a Rising Star makes it easy to give them this special gift.

This offer ends at midnight Eastern time May 31, 2010.

Thanks for your support, and make a great day!

Click here to purchase signed copies of Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoption is Simply a Way

2010-05-11T10:45:00.001-04:00

Adoptive Momma of Two (AM2) posted a blog the other day called "What's the Alternative?" I began to post a reply, but my reply ran on, so I decided to post it here instead.

Here is an excerpt of her post.

I can feel the heat coming from this one already. I have no doubt the lurkers and anti adoption commenters will come out after what I am about to write. However, they are the persons who have inspired this post as I have been receiving my share of anti adoption emails lately. In the emails I am generally bombarded with hate and told my children will live a lifetime of suffering because of my acts as an adoptive parent. I am asked questions about how will I deal with issues my children (in their view) will undoubtedly face and (again in their view) the emotional turmoil and conflict they will encounter.

As a general rule, I ignore these emails and comments. I know my position on adoption and I do not feel a need to defend it. I am however curious, what's the alternative?

Here are some of the most common solutions offered by anti adoption movers.
Family preservation...
Government and community assistance...
Orphanages...
Abortion...

AM2 goes into more detail about each of the alternatives listed above, and I encourage you to read her thoughtful post. The comments AM2 received show that some people agree with her and others don't. No big surprise there.

This is my response to her post:
Thanks for writing this. The reality is that adoption is rooted in loss and there are losses rooted in adoption. Adoption, like any other parenting/family issue is not itself "good", "bad", "inadequate", "dangerous", or "a gift". Adoption itself is simply a way.

Adoption is a way of forming a family, a way of moving on, a way of changing relationships, a way of preserving oneself, a way of making it different... it's just a way. The power to hurt or heal isn't in adoption. It's in HOW we are as adopters, adoptees, and birth families.

It's in how we partner,
how we honor our children and their history,
how we honor our children and their present,
how we stretch ourselves to meet our kids where they are and help them hold their history intact,
how we tend their roots both past and present,
how we celebrate them for who they are, not for who we dreamed they might be,
how we uphold our promises,
how we give, and love, and accept without expectation.

Adoption itself is an event or a process. It's a beginning or an end. It's a choice among many. But it's not a snarling, pouncing, clawing, merciless beast. Nor is it a chaste, haloed, sublime, transcendent divinity. Yes, people are hurt by adoption, and yes, people are healed by adoption. But it's HOW we do adoption that makes the difference in our lives. Which makes adoption fundamentally no different than any other thing that changes who we are.

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoption Book featured in the B&N Catch a Rising Star Boutique

2010-05-11T08:38:00.001-04:00

My adoption book What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective is now available through the Catch a Rising Star boutique section of Barnes and Noble online. Online ordering makes it easy to pick up a copy for anyone touched by adoption. :)

I am deeply grateful for the support and encouragement I have received (and continue to receive) from friends around the world and the cybersphere. Thank you all for making my world a little smaller and a lot more beautiful!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Nominate Your Favorite Adoption Books

2010-04-29T10:45:00.010-04:00

Adoptive Families magazine is seeking nominations for readers' favorite adoption books in the following categories:

1) Adoption memoirs
2) Adoption-friendly parenting books
3) Children's picture books about adoption
4) Children's books that celebrate diversity
5) Young-adult novels with an adoption storyline
6) Novels with an adoption storyline

Of course, I hope you'll cast a vote in the adoption-friendly parenting books category for my adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. I've been overwhelmed by reader response, and I'm extremely grateful. But I'd also like to know what books you would nominate for the other categories.

I'm thinking Ola Zuri's Why Can't You Look Like Me? for category #4, Kelsey Stewart's The Best for You for category #3, Katie DeCosse/Jackie Maher's Fifty Years in 13 Days and Ann Fessler's The Girls Who Went Away for category #1. Although Fessler's isn't an adoption memoir so much as it is birth mother memoir, I think it should be required reading for all prospective adoptive parents. I haven't read any from category #5 or #6. What's out there?

How to vote: E-mail the book title(s) you're nominating to letters@adoptivefamilies.com. Be sure to indicate which category, and they'd also like to know why you're nominating a particular book.

What other adoption books would you recommend?

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Birth Parents: The Hidden Treasure of Adoption

2010-04-26T14:38:00.002-04:00

As many of you know, I recently had the distinct pleasure of delivering the keynote address at Parenthood for Me's first annual Family Building Dinner and Silent Auction.

I began my speech by reading 'Moonlight Sonata', a piece I wrote about my kid's birth mothers late one night. That piece is currently under consideration for inclusion in a book, so I can't share it here, but here is the rest of what I said:

My husband and I have adopted twice, and through my work and personal life I've gotten to know many, many birth mothers and some birth fathers. And yet, standing here tonight, I have to admit... I don't understand birth parents.
Honestly, I don't understand making that decision.
I don't understand when birth mothers say they chose adoption out of love for their child.
You chose to walk out of your child's life because you love them?

Tell me you took on two jobs to make ends meet,
tell me you moved back in with your parents,
tell me you signed up for Medicaid and food stamps,
tell me you dropped out of school to work,
tell me you left your kids with your sister for three months so you could get a solid start in rehab,
tell me you made those kinds of sacrifices because you love your child, and that, I'll believe.
But choosing to walk away because you love them so much you'd rather spend the rest of your life without them? It doesn't make any sense.

And yet, I do believe that birth parents love their children,
and I do believe they choose adoption because they want something better for them.
I know that birth parents suffer greatly from their adoption decision, and many never completely heal.
Many never get over the grief and doubt and regret that so often accompany significant loss.

My point is that I believe birth parents love their children,
but I don't believe that's why they choose adoption.
I believe that birth parents choose adoption because it makes the most sense at the time.
I believe that when the initial panic and denial fade, and the fairy tale dissolves, birth parents get real.
Birth mothers in particular get very real, very fast.
They have to.

Every hour that passes brings them closer to the physical reality of their situation.
Every day the baby inside is growing, becoming, needing, demanding more... and more... and more.
More than its first mother can provide (maybe).
More than it first father can provide (maybe).

So they make the best decision available to them.
They choose as well as they can.
And that is what we do for people we love, isn't it?
We choose as well as we can on their behalf.

I believe that birth parents choose adoption not because they love their children, but in spite of how much they love their children.

And that, to me, is the ultimate sacrifice a parent can make.
Placing your child for adoption isn't just a matter of putting the child's needs before your own.
It is a matter of putting your child's needs in place of your own.
Choosing adoption means choosing to meet your child's needs instead of your own.

I know many adoptive parents who are fearful of their children's birth parents, or feel threatened by them, or flat-out don't like them.
That's really sad.
That's a disservice to a child you love.

My husband and I never considered a closed adoption.
Our children's biological families are theirs.
Their origins are theirs.
Their birth parents are among the most important people in my kids' lives, because it's they who chose this life for my children.
Knowing their birth families is knowing part of themselves.

I could never be at peace without contact with my kids' birth families.
I needed to meet their birth mothers,
I needed to hold their hands and look in their eyes and ask them why they chose adoption.
I needed to tell them that it's OK to change their minds,
that it doesn't matter what anyone's expectations are,
it doesn't matter what papers are waiting to be signed,
it doesn't matter how much we want children... this is your baby and you are the mother, and no one else know what's in your heart or head, and if you decide to raise the baby yourself, then that's the right choice.

Because I had those opportunities, I can love my children freely.
I can love without guilt or insecurity about their birth families.
I can give them continuity and inclusion, rather than disconnection and separation.

Children who were adopted need a lot of things.
They need to know they are loved.
They need to know their family is permanent.
They need to know they are living exactly the life they are supposed to be living.
They need to know they are accountable for their decisions.
They need to know why they were adopted.
And they need to be allowed to grow up without illusions about adoption or their birth parents.

The only way to accomplish all of that is for adoptive parents to open themselves to the treasure of birth parents.

If you are an adoptive parent or someone considering adoption, please, for the sake of your children, talk to birth parents.
Browse around birth mother forums and blogs, and spend the most time with the opinions that trouble you most.

Patti is a birth mother who read my book. I'd like to share part of her reaction with you:
"Some parts are hard to read, I'll be honest. I've even had a few knee-jerk reactions that have left me feeling defensive. I'm far enough into my birth motherhood, though, to look for the truth in those moments. And it is always there. One thing I hate about adoption in general is that each member of the triad is constantly challenged, and obligated, to accept and learn from the parts that are yucky. There are always more vegetables to eat."

I agree with Patti that all members of the adoption triad have an obligation to learn from each other, especially the things that are difficult to learn.

But I have found that by truly embracing our children's birth parents - and celebrating them for who and what they are - I have fallen in love with eating vegetables.

Thank you for listening.
***************************

I know that many birth parents don't choose adoption at all. It is thrust upon them by people who wield power in their lives, and it is a tragic injustice. Like anyone who speaks or writes about adoption, my words are rooted in my own experience. They represent a small space on the spectrum of adoption experience.

Sally

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Two Thoughts Post-interview on the Savelyev/Hansen Adoption Case

2010-04-20T14:37:00.006-04:00

Yesterday I was interviewed by Mary Beth Wells for her radio show Adoption - Journey to Motherhood. If you missed the show you can hear it at Adoption - Journey to Motherhood.

I first want to thank Mary Beth for hosting me on her show. She invests a lot of herself to provide an open forum for adoption-related issues, and I encourage you to follow her show.

Now for my two thoughts:
1. Can we all stop referring to Artyom as "the little Russian boy"? I've seen his name spelled a few different ways, and I'm not sure which is correct (including my spelling). Regardless, it's his name. He is a person and he has a name. Phoebe Prince. Kate Gosselin. Carrie Underwood. Artyom Savelyev. It's not too much to ask.

2. Let's get honest. Please. Too much adoption dialogue is careful (nice word) or dishonest (not so nice word). I hear from a lot of people who agree there is work to be done within the adoption community. I believe that work begins with each of us having the confidence to speak honestly about our experiences and LISTEN non-defensively to other people's experiences.

Honestly, I'm not every other adoptive parent you've ever met. I'm not any other adoptive parent you've ever met. Can we all reserve our conflicted feelings for the people and situations that are relevant, and hold our fire for the people who simply have a similar label? Birth parents and adoptive parents and adult adoptees insulting and ganging up on each other online... we're killing a lot of flies with sledgehammers here, folks, and it does nothing to move any of the issues forward.

As always, thanks for reading.

Sally

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Radio Interview About the Savelyev/Hansen Case

2010-04-16T13:23:00.003-04:00

Rather than come down either in support of or opposition to Torry Hansen and her response to her would-be-adopted son Artyom Savelyev, I think we all need to heed this case as an example of something wrong in the field of adoption. Artyom isn't the first child to show signs of abuse, inferior health, problems with bonding, and adjustment difficulties. Nor are the Hansens the first adoptive parents to feel misled, misinformed, unprepared, and abandoned post-placement.

This coming Monday, April 19th at 9:00 AM, I'll be a guest on Mary Beth Wells' radio program Journey to Motherhood. I plan to leverage the Savelyev/Hansen case to raise awareness of the actual scope of the problem, what is and isn't being done to improve the process, and give some direction on how we (collectively) can work for positive change in the adoption process.

Some of the issues I hope to cover (time permitting) are:
1. Inadequate preparation of adoptive parents regarding what to expect from the child and what to anticipate in themselves.
2. Insufficient post-adoption support for adoptive families. Especially once an adoption has been finalized and the child and parents are legally a family, they are technically no longer on anyone's radar. Some adoptive families need more support than they find available to them.
3. The widely accepted expectation that children adopted internationally may/will be malnourished, have suffered physical and emotional abuse, developmentally delayed (due to environment and nutrition, not congenital delays), etc.
4. Sadly, none of the above is specific to international adoption.
5. What is at the root, and what can we do?

The interview will air Monday, April 19 from 9:00 to 10:00 AM EDT on the TogiNet Radio network. Visit the Adoption - Journey to Motherhood website to listen or call in live to participate in the discussion at 877-864-4869.

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Radio Interview - Adoption Book

2010-04-09T10:22:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I had the pleasure of being interviewed by Beth Adams Pitoniak, WHAM Morning News Host, about the release of my new adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Beth is a seasoned interviewer and a very warm, thoughtful woman. I've been a fan of hers for a long time, and it was great to finally meet her!

The interview will air this Sunday, April 11, 2010 on Clear Channel radio stations nationwide. Check your local Clear Channel listings for "Public Affairs" programming or click on one of the following links to listen live:

http://www.whtk.com
http://www.radiosunny.com
http://www.1067kissfm.com
http://www.fox951.com
http://www.mydrivefm.com

Make a great day!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Open & Shut

2010-04-08T22:23:00.016-04:00

To spend any time in the adoption cyber-community is to be convinced that birth parents (almost) always want more openness than adoptive parents. The staggering majority of blogging birth mothers and birth fathers are eager, sometimes desperate, for more contact, and they’re simply waiting, impatiently waiting, painfully waiting for invitation from the adoptive parents.

Many of the most vocal adoptees are in constant craving for a deeper connection with their first families.

I can relate. Most days I want more from my children’s birth families. Most days I want information, details, history, stories, updates, contact. I want responses to my emails. I want pictures of you. I want continuity that I don't have, that my kids don't have, that only you can provide.

Most days I'm uncertain. Have I asked for too much? Have I asked too soon? Have I gone too far, crossed a line, rattled a cage, cut a tightrope, popped a bubble? Did I step on a crack?

What happens next? And when is next? Is it now? Why not now?

Is that it?

Was it something I said?

Are you coming back?

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Winner of My Adoption Book...

2010-03-24T10:52:00.012-04:00

... is Patti of (among other places)It's Just One Hat. Congratulations, Patti, and thanks to everyone who participated!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Calling All Adoption Book Authors

2010-03-24T10:52:00.009-04:00

I receive several donation requests each week, and most of the requests are for an adoption book to raffle or auction off for a family or agency fundraiser. Obviously my book reflects my perspective as an adoptive parent, and I often think it would be nice to be able to donate a small collection of books that speak to the variety of needs and interests in the adoption community. Children's books, books written by birth mothers, books written by adoptees, by ?, etc.

So I'm inviting any adoption authors who are interested in collaborating to contact me through my email, info@theadoptiveparent.com. I'd like to know the title(s) of your book(s), your target reader, your experience with adoption, how many books you have available for donation, and any parameters you have on who receives them.

Make a great day!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoption Book Giveaway

2010-03-24T10:32:00.004-04:00

Congratulations to... well, I can't say yet. I'm waiting for "winner's consent" before I post the winner of my adoption book giveaway with a link to her blog.

As soon as she gives me the green light I'll post it here. Sneak peek... from what I can tell from her blog, she's a doll. :)

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Open Adoption Bloggers: Interview With Desiree

2010-03-22T03:48:00.003-04:00

I assumed I would enjoy the Open Adoption Bloggers Interview Project, and I have. I didn't expect to sow a new friendship, but I've done that too. It's been my great pleasure to interview Desiree of The Mommy Journals. Desiree is an adoptive mom to one daughter, "Sassy", age two. She describes her open adoption this way: "We're in an open adoption in that we have direct contact, know last names/addresses/phone #s/etc., schedule our own visits without the involvement of the agency, and email/text semi-regularly, etc."

Although we've never met in person, I think I'd be able to pick Desiree out of a crowd. She has a warmth and honesty and lightness I think my heart would recognize. Besides, she's so artsy-crafty that I bet she'd make adorable matching name tags for herself and her daughter :)

Enough about what I think of Desiree. You can meet her yourself right here:

Q. Where and why do you blog?
A. I write at The Mommy Journals, though I've had two previous adoption-related blogs. I wanted somewhere I could write about adoption along side of my "normal" daily life as a mom... so you'll find infertility, adoption, and ethics posts intertwined with posts about poop and picking raisins out of my daughter's nose. :) I also recently started Too Busy for TV, which is used to chronicle little crafts and other activities I do with my daughter, and hopefully inspire others with some new ideas!

Q. What advice would you give prospective adoptive parents about how to prepare themselves for adoption?
A. The best thing I did in preparing myself for the non-advertised side of adoption was to listen to the others' stories, especially the ugly ones. The ones that don't necessarily paint a rosy picture of adoption, but that tell it like it really is. That it is HARD. That it is SAD. And not just from the perspective of "waiting gets hard," but that the actual placement was much more difficult than what I'd expected it to be.

I think the most important thing is to just keep an open mind and know that it's okay if you come out on the other side a completely changed person from before. There were plenty of thoughts and ideals that I held at the beginning of our process, and as it turned out, I discovered I was wrong about a lot of things.:) I'm a totally different adoptive parent than I would have predicted at the beginning of the process. I hope I never lose that sense of wanting to learn and grow more, to be stretched in my thinking. Being on the post-placement side doesn't mean you cease to learn new things.

Q. Has anything about adoption surprised you or turned out differently than you expected?
A. There have been lots of things I wasn't prepared for until it happened... and still was left feeling inadequate. The one glaring example I keep coming back to is placement day. I'd read the books, heard the stories, met friends who'd been through it (on both sides), but I don't think anything could have fully prepared me for the sheer weight of emotion I felt that day and immediately after. I didn't expect to feel so alone and hopeless in the beginning. I didn't expect to cry for weeks on end. I didn't expect to be kept awake at night, worried about my daughter's other mother. I didn't expect to so deeply crave contact, in any form, from her.

In the fog surrounding the aftermath of Sassy's placement, I couldn't see ahead to a time when life would be normal again. How could it ever be? It was much like losing a beloved family member, in that it's the darkest imaginable possibility, unfolding before your eyes. I'm not ashamed to say that, among other things, I believe post-adoption depression came into play. I loved my tiny new daughter... but I wasn't in love with her yet. The healing process, and subsequently, the bonding experience took time. There was some outside pressure that tried to force it, but attachment had to happen on its own. Somewhere in my heart, I knew I would get there eventually. My husband was such a huge encourager to me through this. He knew the kind of mother I would be, even if I didn't yet.

Twenty-seven months later, Sassy and I couldn't be any more bonded than we are. She's glued to my hip from sun-up to sun-down (and sometimes after!), and I'm more amazed by her each day. The beginning was rough, but neither of us are worse for the wear.

Q. How did you come to choose open adoption over closed or international?
A. My husband and I chose domestic adoption over international fairly easily. We just couldn't quite swing the expense and travel requirements that generally accompanies international adoptions. We also didn't meet some criteria from a number of countries (for example, age), so this part was a no-brainer. I have a very clear memory from the initial days of reading and researching adoption, and saying to my husband "I can't see ever choosing open adoption. That's when you're basically co-parenting." Needless to say, I've come a long way in a few years! :)

When we actually learned what different levels of openness can entail, a lot of myths were dispelled for us. At the recommendation of the agency we used, we started out pursuing a "semi-open" adoption... and this is technically what Sassy's adoption is on paper. In practice, we run the gamut, from zero contact for months on end, to emailing, texting, visiting, and even chatting on the phone for an hour on a random evening (as happened recently).

The turning point, I think, came with the recognition that this was a woman who was entrusting us with her flesh and blood... and we couldn't entrust her with our last name and phone number? I do understand there are some circumstances that open is not the "best" option, but for Sassy's adoption, it has been. I can't thank God enough for allowing FirstMom to be a part of our family's life. I know the day will inevitably come when my child has questions that I cannot answer, but the door of communication will be open, and she'll have the opportunity for her own choices. What an empowering gift we can give our precious girl!

Q. What is your relationship with Sassy's birth father?
A. In a word? Complicated. BioDad was not involved in FirstMom's pregnancy beyond conception. He was not at the hospital when she was born. His name is not even on her original birth certificate, and it was FirstMom's last name she took upon birth. There have been many hurtful exchanges between them, and we've been caught more than once in the game of "He Said, She Said." It's hard not to automatically side with the person you know and love, but as Sassy's parents, we feel it's so vitally important to remain as neutral as possible. What has been done (or not done) cannot be changed, and nothing erases the fact that he is half of my child's heritage.

We didn't have a picture or even a name for months after Sassy was born. One day out of the blue, FirstMom decided to entrust us this information to us. I was so excited to have just one picture of him to save for my daughter. She would be able to see their matching deep blue eyes someday, even if he was never a part of her life. The months continued to pass. When Sassy was not quite one, we very suddenly found ourselves in the scariest adoption-related experience we've had to date. It became apparent that security was going to be an issue where BioDad was concerned. We knew the adoption was final, and we knew we had done nothing wrong or unethical... but it was still alarming. We had enough cause for concern that we put some distance between our family and BioDad, and eventually the issues blew over.

More than a year later, while visiting FirstMom, we had another unexpected turn of events. BioDad stopped by to meet his daughter (and her parents) for the first time. Sassy was nearly two years old by this point. I couldn't help but think of how much he'd missed out on already. We were a bundle of nerves, but at least I could say that I didn't have time to be worried in advance. All of a sudden, he was just there... so we had to go with it! The brief visit was cordial. There were a lot of nervous smiles and laughs from everyone, all of us staring at the same awkward elephant in the room. He was kind and respectful. He showed interest for the first time in moving forward together. He rattled off a few pieces of information he wanted us to know. I could kick myself now for not grabbing a pencil and paper and doing a full-on interview, but I believed that he would follow through in taking the next steps toward contact. He hasn't. He called to wish Sassy a happy birthday the following week, and hasn't been heard from since. All we can do is hope and pray that he eventually does reach out, in an appropriate manner. I wish I could give my daughter that gift, but it's solely in his hands.

Q. What about adoption is challenging to you?
A. Balance. Balance in everything. Positive vs. negative aspects of adoption. Realistic expectations vs. hopes and dreams for the future. Super open vs. hiding away for a while. Honest and direct answers vs. shielding your child from pain. The joy having a child brings vs. the pain of taking someone else's away. Telling people she's adopted vs. keeping information private. Genuine care and concern for your child's biological family vs. doing what you need to do in order to be the kind of parent your child needs. Talking about adoption regularly vs. just being a "normal" family. It's all a delicate balancing act with the most important person to me in a precarious position.

Q. What are your favorite books to read with your daughter?
A. I love books. I've loved books all my life. There are so many great stories that I can't wait to share with my daughter... but right now, she's two. :) So... we're all about the "Little Critter" series lately. "Curious George" anything is most assuredly a favorite. Dr. Seuss books always out. "Imogene's Antlers," "A Book of Hugs," "Click, Clack, Moo," "Growing Vegetable Soup," and "The Wind Blew" are all books I've read to her in the last 24 hours. We do a lot of reading here. :)

Q. How do you "unplug" when life gets too crazy?
A. If I've had a particularly challenging day at home, I'll hop in the car in the evening and run down to Dunkin' Donuts or Starbucks for a caramel iced coffee or white chocolate peppermint mocha. I love lounging around the house with my husband after Sassy goes to bed. We'll sit on the couch and watch a funny show (The Office is my favorite!), or lay in bed for a while before going to sleep... I read and my husband sits with his laptop. I've also been known to escape to a local craft store for an hour or so, and come home armed with supplies for a little DIY-stress relief. :) I've found these things are better than locking yourself in a closet in the fetal position. You tend to get some weird looks doing that.

Thank you, Desiree, for inviting me into your life. You've changed me by your presence, and I'm looking forward to growing our new friendshp.

Thanks, also, to Heather at Production not Reproduction for conceiving of this project and making it happen!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

One More Week to Win Adoption Book

2010-03-13T03:48:00.000-05:00

This is the final week of my adoption book giveaway, and things are heating up! Thanks to all of you who have emailed your thoughts to me. That reminds me. I didn't mention email entries in my previous post, but certainly, email counts. I appreciate that those of you who wanted to share took advantage of email as a more private way of talking with me.

Here's a recap of the details:

The topic for my keynote address at the Parenthood for Me (PFM) Family Building Dinner on April 10th is going to be Birthparents: The Hidden Treasure of Adoption.

I'm giving away a signed copy of my book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. How can you get your name in the drawing?

Sign up to follow my blog. (1 entry)

Refer someone else who signs up to follow my blog. (1 entry)

Tell me about your relationship with your own or your child's birthparents.
(2 entries) For example, Do you have one? What difference does it make for your family? How does it benefit you or your child? (or if you don't have a relationship, what impact does this have?) Have your thoughts or feelings about birthparents in general and yours or your child's, specifically, changed over time? In what ways?

Let your child tell me, in their own words, about their relationship with their birthparents and what it means to them. (3 entries)

Buy a ticket for the PFM dinner or make a donation to Parenthood for Me. (2 entries)

There is no limit to the number of times your name can be entered. This phase of the giveaway will be open until March 19th. Good luck!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Happy Birthday, Baby

2010-03-11T15:42:00.004-05:00

Little One, someday you will know that the world existed before you.
You will discover that Daddy and I were people before we were parents.
By the time you're curious about who I was before you were born, I may have forgotten, so this is for both of us:

Before you were born I spent money on myself.
I drove with one hand and tried to beat the light.
I had my own bathroom.
I wore earrings.
I was always on time.

Before you were born I had long, interesting conversations with your father several times a day.
I expected parents to be objective about their kids.
I secretly thought Mother's Day was overrated.

Before you were born I didn't know the fastest route to the hospital.
I didn't know how long I could run on a packet of oyster crackers and a handful of smoked almonds.
I had never fallen asleep while standing in my closet.

Before you were born I thought my floors were clean.
I subscribed to magazines.
I sometimes sat and thought about nothing in particular.

Before you were born I thought getting licked by someone with a mouthful of pureed squash was gross.
I wondered why mothers never ran out of things to talk about.
I was sure that most kids had too many toys.

Before you were born I thought I was busy.
I listened to talk radio in the car.
I imagined you with blond hair and blue eyes.

Before you were born I ate sitting down. At the table.
I left the door open at the top of the basement stairs.
I wanted twins.

Before you were born I had more time, more space, and more money.
I thought that mattered.

Originally published as The Olden Days. Sally Bacchetta

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Openness Is a State of Mind

2010-03-08T06:43:00.006-05:00

I think something's missing from the collective "openness in adoption" discussion, and I think it's something we can't afford to miss. It's this: before it's anything else, openness is a state of mind.

True openness is acknowledging and respecting the whole of the adoption experience. It's inviting in the entirety of adoption and really meaning it.

For adoptive parents it means so much more than pictures and letters and annual visits with birth family.

It means not just listening, but being genuinely interested in what your adopted child has to say about adoption.

It means believing that your child's experience is (and will always be) different than yours, and accepting that even though you love them, even though they love you, even though they wouldn't want any parents other than you, they have lost people, places and things that matter.

For some adoptive parents, it means accepting that even though you love them, they may not love you the same way, and they may want parents other than you, and as difficult as that is for you, they don't "owe" you anything anymore than biological children "owe" their parents anything. Really not.

It means embracing your child as who they are and celebrating everyone and everything that shapes them - your personal feelings aside.

It means showing (not just telling) your child from day 1 that family is a safe place. It means showing (not just telling) your child how how to explore deep, confusing feelings without falling apart. It means showing (not just telling)your child that you're not threatened by their feelings for anyone else.

It means encouraging your child to think and feel whatever, whenever, however they need to as long as it's not destructive.

It means being mature enough to understand that whatever thoughts, feelings, wishes, fantasies, and experiences there are between your child and their birth family is about them, not you.

It means wanting more than anything for your child to live fully and authentically and always with the certainty of being loved.

It means seeking out other voices - other adoptive parents, adoptees, birth mothers, birth fathers, birth family - and really listening to what they have to say, especially if it's uncomfortable or painful. It means being secure enough to thoughtfully consider their perspective without scurrying into the emotional safety zone of "Oh, that's not going to happen to my child." or "Well, they're just that group of bitter, victims-by-choice."

It means accepting that at some point your precious darling child may self-identify as a bastard.

It means never taking responsibility for your child's feelings and never expecting them to take responsibility for yours.

It means having the confidence that children need their parents to have. It means being very clear about your role as Mom or Dad and very clear about the permanence of your family, because sometimes your child won't be, and if you're not either, it's going to freak them out and do some serious damage.

It means recognizing that everyone experiences life differently. Everyone experiences adoption differently. Everyone experiences parenthood differently. It means getting very comfortable with the fact that you don't speak for anyone but yourself. No one does.

Which is why after thinking a lot about what an open state of mind means for adoptees or birth family, I conclude that I really haven't a clue.

Purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Final Call to Win Adoption Book - What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective

2010-03-03T11:09:00.006-05:00

I've chosen the topic for my keynote address at the Parenthood for Me (PFM) Family Building Dinner on April 10th. It's going to be Birthparents: The Hidden Treasure of Adoption. Congratulations to Nancy S. for suggesting that topic and winning a signed copy of my adoption book!

It's interesting... most of the topics you all submitted - although diverse - contain some shade of the topic of birth parents and relationships with them. I'm really glad to find such strong interest in those relationships. 42 thanks going out to all of you who participated.

I haven't done the random draw yet, so you still have a chance to win a signed copy of What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. If you already submitted a topic suggestion, your name has been entered once. I'll toss your name in the jar again for any of the following:

Sign up to follow my blog. (1 entry)

Refer someone else who signs up to follow my blog. (1 entry)

Tell me about your relationship with your own or your child's birthparents.
(2 entries) For example, Do you have one? What difference does it make for your family? How does it benefit you or your child? (or if you don't have a relationship, what impact does this have?) Have your thoughts or feelings about birthparents in general and yours or your child's, specifically, changed over time? In what ways?

Let your child tell me, in their own words, about their relationship with their birthparents and what it means to them. (3 entries)

Buy a ticket for the PFM dinner or make a donation to Parenthood for Me. (2 entries)

There is no limit to the number of times your name can be entered. This phase of the giveaway will be open until March 19th. Good luck!

I'm looking forward to hearing from you.

Purchase my adoption book here.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Monthly Letter to My Son's Birthmother

2010-02-26T11:09:00.002-05:00

Hi J,

I've let too many days slip past simply because I don't know what to write.

No, the truth is I don't know what not to write.

I can’t imagine facing even one day without him. What have you had to rearrange in yourself to get through these last 11 months? I'm afraid that something I write will upend some intricate balance you've perfected in yourself in order to be able to love him from a distance.

You always tell me I worry too much about you. I know. I do. I may always. Because even though you believe you made the right decision (and I believe you when you tell me that), I can't help but wonder how your feelings about your decision may change over time. Does time make the pain of loss less acute or more pervasive? Each day with him brings new joy to me. I can't help but wonder what each day without him brings to you.

Thank you again, and for the rest of my life, for trusting us with him. The day he turned nine months I thought, "He's been separate from J for as long as he was joined with her," and I felt sad for his loss of you and yours of him. And when I think of your smile and your laugh and your voice and your eyes, I'm sad that he's missing all of that. I know he would adore you.

Then I remind myself: he will adore you. He will come to know your face and your voice and your hands and your laugh, and he will hold you, J, in some special place within himself created by you. For him. For you. He will love you in a way that’s just for you.

I reflect on how he’s changed since we last saw you, and I wonder how you’ve changed. I think about his persistence and his determination to grow - to stand, to reach, to decide for himself - and I smile at the memory of yours.

I see so much of you in him. His love of speed. His placid nature. His sense of humor. I also find much of us in him. The way he joins in on family jokes. His habit of perfectly mimicking our expressions. The way he molds himself into my arms. The light in his face when Daddy walks into the room. And he and his big sister are inseparable. Each has truly become a part of the other. Their games, their songs, holding hands in their car seats… it’s one of the most beautiful relationships I’ve ever known.

Has there ever been a little boy so loved as this one? Surely not. Love is all he’s ever known, from the moment he began. You gave him that. One of the many reasons he has to love you. And I, too.

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book What I Want My Adopted child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Maru On My Mind

2010-02-18T09:58:00.001-05:00

Who's Maru?
She's virtually a stranger, yet she's a virtual friend.
She's vibrant and gracious and grateful and inspiring.
She's a devoted wife.
She's a new mother.
And she's very much on my mind.

Tomorrow is her family's finalization date.
Tomorrow means a lot.
And it means almost nothing.

Finalization means the adoption is complete.
It means the adoption verb becomes past tense.
It means Maru and Fico are their daughter's parents in the eyes of the law.

Finalization means closure for their daughter's first mother. How she feels about that, no one really knows, except her. Maybe. On a really good day.

Finalization means that the guiding and deciding and upholding and holding up and giving beyond all reason that is parenting... well, finalization means nothing in that regard. Because parenting comes from the heart. It's in the words you choose and the words you hold back. It's in your sighs and tears and insomnia and chest-bursting pride. It's not in the ink-filled pores of a piece of paper.

So tomorrow means a lot.
And it means almost nothing.
And Maru is very much on my mind.

Click here to buy Sally's adoption book.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Coming Soon to a Family Room Near You

2010-02-16T07:19:00.002-05:00

Wow! I've been invited to be a guest on a TV show called "Many Voices, Many Visions." The show is hosted by the warm and thoughtful Norma Holland, and airs on 13WHAM-TV Sunday mornings at 11:00 a.m. I'll be on with Erica Schlaefer and Kevin Mulcahy of Parenthood for Me (PFM) on Sunday February 28, 2010.

"Many Voices, Many Visions" is a multicultural public affairs program that explores the Rochester community's diversity, and I'm grateful to Ms. Holland for giving me and PFM an opportunity to expand our community's education and awareness about adoption.

It's the first time I'll be on TV talking about my adoption book! (Hi Mom!) Who knows? I may even read a short excerpt from it. Tune it to 13WHAM-TV Sunday February 28 at 11:00 a.m.

Buy Sally's adoption book here.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

First Amazon Review of My Adoption Book!

2010-02-15T19:19:00.015-05:00

Yea! I got my first review on Amazon. Thanks, Paula Jean, for helping me tell the story and for formally reviewing my adoption book. It means a lot to me!

What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective is available at Amazon.com, Barnes and Noble.com, Borders.com, and Google Books.

Check out The Adoptive Parent bookstore to order signed copies of my adoption book!

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Award-Winning Writer Publishes Groundbreaking Book on Adoption

2010-02-12T09:10:00.001-05:00

Award-winning writer and author Sally Bacchetta announced the release of her new book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. The book is described as “a tender, revealing look at adoption from the parent perspective.” Whether an adoptive parent, an adoptee, someone considering adoption, or simply curious about adoption dynamics, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent’s Perspective will touch hearts and increase readers' sensitivity to the challenges and joys that are unique to adoptive parenting.

Bacchetta wrote the book in response to a need common among adoptive families. “Adoptive families navigate emotional terrain that fully-biological families don’t have to,” said Bacchetta, adoptive mother of two. “This is a book adoptive parents can give to their child and say, ‘I know adoption is painful, unsettling, joyous, and affirming. It’s that way for me too. More than anything, adoption is the way we came together, and I’ll always be grateful for that.’”

“Sally has written a narrative that is heartfelt, honest, and warm,” said Greg Franklin, Esq. and Fellow of the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys. “She’s told her story truthfully and without sugar coating, but also with knowledge from which I would have benefitted had the book been written before my family embarked upon our own journey to adoption. The readers of this book are lucky to have the benefit of Sally’s experience and her shared wisdom, because her story reminds us that we have so much in common.” more

buy the adoption book

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoption Book Review: Where Do I Belong?

2010-02-11T12:37:00.000-05:00

In this, her second book, Ola Zuri shows why her books belong everywhere there are children. Where Do I Belong? is the story of a young boy who, like many transracial adoptees, doesn't feel rooted or connected in the same way the rest of his family seems to feel. It's clear that Zuri's character loves his family, but still, he is pained by looking different. I absolutely love that Zuri rises above the common tendency to sugar coat the truth. She lays the facts out straight up - yes, you do look different, because you and your family are of different races. And yes, your original roots are far away. And no, no amount of love will change that fact. That's our family.

The heart of the story is what the boy chooses to do about his feelings. Again, Zuri rises above current trends and places responsibility squarely where it belongs - on the boy himself. This book artfully teaches children (and adults!) that true freedom is born of inner strength, and we all make decisions every day that either strengthen or weaken our inner selves.

Once again, Zuri teamed up with illustrator Jenn Simpson, and the results are outstanding. Simpson's drawings perfectly capture Zuri's voice and that of her character. This is a delightful book, and Zuri & Simpson are one of the best writer/illustrator teams I have found in a long time, and I'm very much looking forward to their third book!

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

What Kind of People Adopt Children?

2010-02-10T02:15:00.000-05:00

I've read a lot recently about how awful adoptive parents are. Apparently, the desire to adopt marks one as a greedy, selfish, "baby-luster", who will gleefully pay enormous sums of money to the corrupt and heartless proprietors of "baby shops" for the sheer delight of wrenching children away from their unsuspecting mothers. Hmm! Who knew?

Interestingly, not one of the adoptive parents I know fits that description. And not one of the prospective adoptive parents I know fits that description. And none of the adoption caseworkers, social workers, attorneys, assorted agency personnel, or adoption triad members I interviewed for my adoption book fit that description.

Neither does Paul.

Who is Paul? Paul is an adoptive parent who shared the post below on Leigh's blog, Sturdy Yet Fragile. I love what he wrote and I love the way he wrote it, and I thank him for giving me permission to repost it here.

Paul's words:
I'm an adoptive parent. I have two beautiful little girls. One is two and has me completely wrapped around her finger. My second daughter is 6 mos old and we brought her home when she was 2 mos old. She can't interract much yet, but her larger-than-life smile when she sees me melts my heart. We are huge supporters of openness and we volunteer and coach adoptive couples to help them understand the need for openness. My daughters have seen their biological families dozens of times in their very young lives so far and we have sent countless photos and emails of updates.

I love my girls more than I could ever communicate with words alone. And yet I tell them over and over again how much I love them. My 2 yr old is a big-time daddy's girl. I don't discount what biology could've meant to my girls - but I do EVERYTHING in my power to make sure that need-wise it is an extremely distant second place (we're talking light years away) to what comes from feeling fully and unconditionally loved by their mommy and daddy. I know that beautiful people (like yourself) made this possible for me. I look out for and protect the feelings and reputation of my daughters' birth families - regardless of their situations in life. They gave the ultimate sacrifice by placing their biological children in our loving family. Birth parents have lacked a voice for so long that it is time that they/you speak up and share their/your thoughts.

Yet where is the voice to stand up for me? I am vilified in the media by "reality" shows and mini-series and now these books that say I am only an "adoptive" parent and that my daughters have "real" parents from whom I took them. We were entrusted to be the parents of these children in each case and we take that very seriously. In each medium I come across I read how my daughter can only truly love those who are biologically connected to her. Please tell that to my daughter when she runs across the house to jump into my arms when she hears the garage door go up, or when she wants to sit on my shoulders to see the neighbor's dog, or when she coaxes my wife to call me while I'm at work so she can babble to me. If I don't have attachment with my daughters then I cannot phathom what attachment is. That primal wound must be hidden very well.

I'm sure that openness is a big mitigating factor in a primal wound - which is why we believe in openness. But daily, consistent love and safety by the child's parents is the real factor in all of this. If a child is unloved by biological parents OR by adoptive parents than there will be a wound that will not heal. I have grown up with friends who are biological children who hate, or worse, don't care about their parents. Conversely, I have a best friend who is so loved by his adoptive parents that the only reason he has ever been curious about his biological family is to be able to properly thank them for placing him with his parents. The real variable is love and consistent care - NOT biology. I know that what brings a birth mother to make her sacrifice is not a lack of love - but the exact opposite. The best quote I've ever heard was "if I loved my child any less, I'd still have him with me". I am convinced that if a child knows of the love it took to be placed for adoption AND (important) feels loved by their parents who have opened their arms to him/her - then a primal wound is a myth. Absent that environment, there will certainly be a wound.

I will always praise my daughters birth families and will always educate my girls so that they know that we are only a family because of the sacrifice by those wonderful people. But my girls will never have reason to doubt MY love, MY support nor MY attachment to them and I hope and pray that the relationship I have with them (and with their birth families) will continue to be as strong as it is now - despite the anecdotes contained in books and mini-series.
January 19, 2010 12:28 PM

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoption Book Review: Why Can't You Look Like Me?

2010-02-04T11:32:00.009-05:00

In my quest to find really good adoption books for children I discovered Ola Zuri. I just read her debut book Why Can't You Look Like Me?, and it's fantastic. Before I move on to her second book Where Do I Belong? I want to give you my review of her first:

It's hard to believe this is the first time author Ola Zuri and illustrator Jenn Simpson have worked together, because they got everything right with this book. Zuri's writing is free and lyrical, with sincerity gained by first hand experience. Why Can't You Look Like Me? is the story (Zuri's story) of an African American girl adopted by a Caucasian family, and her struggle to find her place within a predominately white community. Although it takes the arrival of "another young person who is brown" for the little girl to feel that she belongs, in the end Zuri's character realizes that in fact, she has always belonged - to herself. And with that knowledge she can claim a place for herself anywhere. That's a lesson every child should learn at a young age.

Zuri's delightful storytelling is offset perfectly by Simpson's whimsical illustrations. Her characters are light, expressive, and absolutely endearing. I especially like her uniquely textured trees.

This book is a gem, and I highly recommend it for ALL families and classrooms.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

New Adoption Book Earns Publisher's Awards

2010-01-27T11:33:00.000-05:00

If I had known how closely the adventure of writing and publishing an adoption book paralleled the adventure of adopting... I probably would have written the book anyway. The dizzying highs, the precipitous drops to terrifying lows... all worth it in the end.

Many of you know I finished my book last fall, and I've been waiting since then for the publisher to flip the switch and get it out. My impatience was tamed somewhat when I was informed in December that on the strength of my writing, my book had been awarded Editor's Choice by a panel of professional editors. Wow! You bet I coasted on that high for a while, until a fresh round of delays eventually wore my patience to dust.

Yesterday, just as I hit the emotional wall, I was notified that my book had been awarded a second award (Rising Star) "based on the topic and timeliness of your book, strong positioning of your title, credentials, author platform and commitment." Woo-Hoooooooooo!

This is priceless to me because What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective was initially met with considerable skepticism with regard to the marketability of a narrative non-fiction written from an adoptive parent's perspective. The consensus among publishing pros was that there isn't enough of a market. Estimates of the number of adopted children in the U.S. run as high as nearly 1.8 million + their adoptive parents + members of their families + adoption professionals (attorneys, social workers, agencies, etc.) + birth parents... and there's not enough of a market?

I take this award as a great step forward for everyone touched by adoption. We are families, we are parents, we are children, we are as bonded and as permanent as any families formed in any way. And yet, we experience the world differently in some ways. We have been made different by adoption. And it's beautiful.

Make a great day!

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Blankets 4 Birthmothers

2010-01-22T13:48:00.001-05:00

I hope you will check out Jessalynn's program
Blankets 4 Birthmothers. She's collecting blankets to be distributed to birthmothers "after they have placed so they do not go home empty handed."

"...after they have placed so they do not go home empty handed." Every time I read that I feel sick to my stomach. But that's the bottom-line reality of placing a child for adoption. All birthmothers go home empty handed.

I've lost count of how many blankets we've been given for our two kids - some new, some family hand-me-downs, some from teachers, co-workers, neighbors... a friend of a friend of a friend. I'm kind of a blanket freak, so I love them all. I've got them stashed in the bedrooms, the family room, the playroom, the car, the stroller, the gardening basket, the kitchen... like I said, I'm kind of a blanket freak.

But the two that mean the most to me are put away in our kids' treasure boxes. The first is a big, soft, pale pink blanket that our daughter's birthmother gave us when we met. It was hers when she was a baby, given to her parents by an adoption social worker. Neither she nor her parents have ever met her first mother, so that blanket represents her connection to her beginning. She wanted our daughter to have it for the same reason, and that's how we've always talked about that blanket.

The other is a smaller, patchwork quilted blanket that our son used during his first few days in the special care nursery. All of the nursery blankets are handmade by volunteers, and most are white or pastel. One early morning I walked in for our son's 3 am feeding and found him wrapped in this vibrant, colorful, really WOW! of a blanket. The nurse overheard me murmuring to him how handsome he looked in the blanket, and from that moment on, they always put that blanket on him. When the hospital staff gave it to us at discharge I cried (of course) because I knew that they knew how much it meant to me.

A little thing? Yes, really, it is. And he and I could have been very happy the rest of our lives without that blanket. It's not about the blanket. It's about near-strangers recognizing the importance of that simple connection to his first days and honoring it... it makes me tearful even now. I can certainly do with fewer blankets in my life if it will make a difference to someone else.

So, I hope you'll check out Jessalynn's blog. You may have to browse around a little bit to find her link to Blankets 4 Birthmothers, but it's definitely worthwhile. You can email Jessalynn at birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoption Poetry From Emily Dickinson?

2010-01-18T16:45:00.000-05:00

Have you read this Emily Dickinson poem?
I put it in my adoption book because it reads to me like an ambivalent someone searching, finding, and ultimately choosing the familiarity of not knowing over the uncertainty of what knowing might mean. An adoptee? A birth parent? An adoptive parent? Perhaps.

I years had been from home,
And now, before the door,
I dared not open, lest a face
I never saw before

Stare vacant into mine
And ask my business there.
My business,-just a life I left,
Was such still dwelling there?

I fumbled at my nerve,
I scanned the windows near;
The silence like an ocean rolled,
And broke against my ear.

I laughed a wooden laugh
That I could fear a door,
Who danger and the dead had faced,
But never quaked before.

I fitted to the latch
My hand, with trembling care,
Lest back the awful door should spring,
And leave me standing there.

I moved my fingers off
As cautiously as glass,
And held my ears, and like a thief
Fled gasping from the house.

Emily Dickinson

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoption Keynote: More Information

2010-01-13T14:07:00.001-05:00

Congratulations, Kristin at Parenthood Path, for being the first name in the hummus container!

In addition to making some great suggestions, Kristin asked for information that I should have included in my previous post. Here it is:

Who will be in the audience? The audience will be a mix of people at all points along the spectrum of adoption. Some adoptive parents, adult adoptees, perhaps some birth parents, prospective adoptive parents, people struggling with infertility, people who don't really have a clue which direction they want to go. Also, spouses, friends, and family of the aforementioned.

Could it be an interactive conversation with Q&A, or does it really need to be a lecture? I can make it both, but I need to open with a compelling lecture.

I hope that helps. Looking forward to your suggestions!

Sally

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Adoption Keynote Address

2010-01-12T13:38:00.000-05:00

I'm going to be the keynote speaker at Parenthood for Me's 1st Annual Family-Building Dinner and Silent Auction on April 10th. Having fun for a great cause. I love it!

I don't go to as many fund-raising events as I'd like, simply because most of our money is already tagged for something else. I usually choose to support causes through volunteering or making a financial donation that is more modest than the event ticket price. However, there are some people I would definitely pay a good buck to see and hear talk about adoption. Leslie Pate Mackinnon, for example.

If you're local to the Monroe County, NY area, I hope to see you there. If you're not local, you can still be part of the event. Here's how:

I've thought a lot about what I want to say, and I keep coming back to the same question - "What would I want to hear a keynote speaker talk about?" I'm posing the same question to you.

If you respond to this post or email me at info@theadoptiveparent.com with your thoughts, I'll put your name in a hat. (It's not actually a hat. It's a clear plastic container that originally housed hummus. As soon as I finish this post I'll dump out whatever wooden beads, pennies, Q-tips, or dry pasta my daughter has stashed in there so it's ready for your name.)

I'll award a signed copy of my book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective to the person who's name I draw at random. I'll also send a signed copy to the person who's idea I use for the keynote address.

Erica at Parenthood for Me is building a great organization with an awesome vision. I hope you'll support it in whatever way you can.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting

Introduction to What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective

2009-12-03T10:11:00.000-05:00

Thanks to all of you who have called and emailed wanting to know when my book is hitting the market. All I can tell you is, "Soon! In time for holiday gifting." I'll let you know as soon as it's out. In the meantime, here's an excerpt from the introduction.

Adoptive parents don't love their children the same way biological parents do. That's an uncomfortable notion for a lot of people, but it's true. We don't love our children the same way. We can't. That's not who our children are. Our children come to us from someone else. They were conceived without our knowledge or participation. They lived in someone else's body, and the most important decision about their lives was made by someone else. Our children carry someone else with them into our hearts, and we love them differently because of it.

Adoptive families navigate emotional terrain that fully-biological families don't have to. As a young child I learned that babies are made in a special way between a man and a woman who love each other very much. Well, neither of my children was made that way. My husband and I have to figure out how to teach our children that sex is a sacred commitment between adults, knowing that some day they will realize they were conceived under very different circumstances.

Nothing about parenting is simple. All parents juggle their dreams, their instincts, and conventional wisdom, and in the end, most of us leap with faith. What's different for adoptive parents is that adoption adds an undercurrent to the parent-child relationship, and every decision we make passes through that current. Everything we think, everything we say, everything we do is nuanced by adoption. When our toddlers act out, when our adolescents experiment with new identities, when our adult children reject us, we experience all of that against the backdrop of adoption. We analyze all of that within the context of what we know and don't know about our childrens' birth families, and we wonder about the long-term effects of adoption on our children. We wonder if we are enough.

Right now, our daughter is perfectly at peace about having grown in her birth mother's tummy until she was ready for us to bring her home. I'm not looking forward to the day she realizes that before we became her parents, her birth parents made the decision to place her for adoption. In the most basic sense, she was in fact rejected from one life before being accepted into another. That's a tough reality for a lot of adoptees. It's also a tough reality for a lot of adoptive parents.

What I Want My Adopted Child to Know is a book adoptive parents can give to their child and say, 'I know adoption is painful, unsettling, joyous, and affirming. It's that way for me too. More than anything, adoption is the way we came together, and I'll always be grateful for that.'”

Wherever you find yourself among the pages of this book, I hope that What I Want My Adopted Child to Know makes your life different, just as adoption does.

Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting