Dear Adoptive Parent/Prospective Adoptive Parent,
Today I came across yet another blog of a prospective adoptive couple using their blog to chronicle their "journey to adoption." Sadly, it read more like an online tantrum.
We've spent a fortune already and we still don't have a baby.
We were matched with a birth mother last year who changed her mind after she gave birth and she refused to follow through. I'm still angry about that!
Everything was set until the birth father got involved and that was the end of it. He was uninvolved for the whole pregnancy and then decided to care after we made an agreement with the birth mother. It's not fair!
I'm an adoptive parent myself. I understand the agony of infertility. I experienced the gut-wrenching uncertainty and anxiety and helplessness of the adoptive process. And I understand using your blog as a release valve; I often do the same thing. However, (deep breath), I don't understand the attitude of entitlement. I don't understand resentment toward birth families who ultimately decide to raise the children they themselves create (How dare they?). I don't understand how you don't understand that some of the language you use is crass and base and incredibly insensitive. I don't understand how you think you will love a child as children need to be loved when you seem to have such a low opinion of birth families.
Certainly, you can use whatever language you choose; it's your blog. But when I read the words below on an AP/PAP blog... it scares me. Seriously. It scares me because it reflects a narrow, self-centric perspective on adoption that I think is unsettling at best and dangerous at worst. I know first-hand the challenges of adopting. I'm NOT suggesting you deny your feelings or just grin and bear it. You need the support of people who know what you're going through.
What I am suggesting is that if you're working so hard to become a parent perhaps you should work harder on expressing your feelings with more sensitivity to birth families, adoptees, and other APs and PAPs.
Words to look out for:
1. Words that refer to the cost of adoption - cost, money, expensive, finances, savings, loan, etc. When PAPs complain about how much money they've invested in the adoption process I want to shake them and say, "I know birth mothers who would give everything they have, including body parts, to be able to raise their children or to have contact with the children they placed for adoption. These women paid dearly for their decisions, and you're crabbing about what it costs you?" You can choose to adopt privately or from foster care if you can't or don't want to pay adoption agency fees. Unless you're discussing ethics and the need for adoption reform, complaining about money is tacky and insensitive.
2. "Deal", "promise", or "agreement" as in "We made a deal with a birth mother but she changed her mind," or "She promised to let us witness the birth," or "She violated our agreement." I'm not even sure where to start with this one. You made a deal? She made a child. She has the right and obligation to make the best decisions she can on her child's behalf, regardless of what plans she may have made earlier in her pregnancy. Hormones, denial, stress, support resources, health... things change rapidly during pregnancy. Most parents waffle for months over what to name the baby, what color to paint the nursery, and whether or not to introduce a pacifier. Please, show some respect for one of the most important decisions a woman can be faced with.
3. "Lie", "deceive", or "manipulate." Even if it's true. Even if you can prove it. Even if it hurts a lot. Assume that it was unintentional. Assume that she did the best she could under the circumstances. Assume that anyone who deliberately deceives you is in a worse position than you are.
4. "Our" as in "our birth mother" or "our baby." They're not.
5. "Want." Of course you want a child, perhaps more than you've ever wanted anything in your life. I get that. But "I want, I want, we want..." makes you sound grabby. What you want is still a part of another woman's body. That's pretty heavy.
6. "Hero." Birth parents aren't heroes. Well, I know some who deserve the title :), but speaking generally, they're no more or less heroic than anyone else. Birth parents make the decision to place because they think it's best for their baby, not for you. It's not about you. It wasn't about me, either. It's not about making an infertile couple's dreams come true. It's not about being a hero.
7. "Deserve." You don't deserve children any more than I do. No one does. It's not a birth mother's responsibility to provide you with a child. She's not a breeding sow.
8. "Pray." Please, please, please don't ask people to pray that a birth mother "makes the right decision and gives us her baby" or anything along that line. Do you believe that God would rip a woman apart mind, body and spirit in order to answer your prayer? Do you really want to believe that? I'll pray with you for grace and patience. I'll pray with you for peace. I'll pray with you for a birth mother's strength and clarity. And I'll pray with you for everyone's health. Please don't ask people to pray for you to get what you want at the expense of someone else. Is that what you're going to teach your child?
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Book Signing at Lift Bridge Book Shop
I thoroughly enjoyed my book signing at Lift Bridge Book Shop in Brockport, NY on Saturday, July 24. I got to meet a few of my readers and introduce my book to some new friends. Heartfelt thanks to everyone who stopped in. It was a real summer treat!Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Adoption E-Book Special Offer
The best-selling adoption book What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective is now available as an ePub file compatible with many popular e-book readers and devices, including Apple’s revolutionary new iPad, iPhone or iTouch, Barnes & Noble nook™, Blackberry, Kobo eReader, and Sony Reader.
For a limited time the ePub version is available for just $7.49 - that's 25% off the regular price.
Visit http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/16177, select from the available e-book formats, and enter coupon code GU95G prior to completing checkout.
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
For a limited time the ePub version is available for just $7.49 - that's 25% off the regular price.
Visit http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/16177, select from the available e-book formats, and enter coupon code GU95G prior to completing checkout.
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Adoption Book Review - Growing Up Black in White
Growing Up Black in White is Kevin D. Hofmann's memoir of growing up as a bi-racial adoptee in an all-white family. When I began reading Hofmann's book I expected to enjoy the read, but I doubted I would find anything new. No stranger to transracial adoption experiences, I assumed his book would be a variation on a familiar theme.
I made a note in the margin on page 5. And on page 8. And on page 13. Thirty-five notes in all in a 168 page book. Growing Up Black in White is definitely not merely a variation on a familiar theme.
What Hofmann does so well is tell his story. He simply tells his story, without activism or criticism or politics, and that's what I found so moving. He writes sincerely and humorously about the joys and challenges of his childhood, growing up, and his racially-mixed family. Other than demographic details, the chronicle of his personal evolution is thematically similar to that of Langston Hughes, William E.B. DuBois, and James Weldon Johnson. But Hofmann's story is uniquely accessible.
The story of Hofmann's childhood is the story of my childhood, told from the "other" side of my black friends. The "black side" that I never saw. His is the story of being black, of "acting white" and wanting to be more black. It's the story of what Natalie and Jamie and Diana listened to and talked about when they weren't at my house listening to Bobbie Sherman and Peter, Paul & Mary. It's the story of how much of themselves they kept hidden from me... without me ever knowing.
Hofmann made me realize that in some ways Billy Council and I experienced our sandbox marathons very differently - he as the son of our hired housekeeper and me as the daughter of his mother's employers - and in other ways very much the same - as two kids enjoying summer in each other's company. Growing Up Black in White has me reliving scenes from the Virginia Beach Kings Grant Elementary School cafeteria and understanding for the first time why Natalie and her mother always sat in the last pew in church rather than sitting up front with us. I always thought it was just because our mothers didn't want Nat and me fooling around in church.
Growing Up Black in White is poignant, funny, and enlightening. Hofmann's decision to steep his story in the ordinary moments of life was inspired. His book pulses with an authenticity that will transport you back to your own childhood. If you spend any time at all there I trust you will see things you never saw before. Because as Hofmann shows, regardless of your skin color growing up is never simply black and white.
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
I made a note in the margin on page 5. And on page 8. And on page 13. Thirty-five notes in all in a 168 page book. Growing Up Black in White is definitely not merely a variation on a familiar theme.
What Hofmann does so well is tell his story. He simply tells his story, without activism or criticism or politics, and that's what I found so moving. He writes sincerely and humorously about the joys and challenges of his childhood, growing up, and his racially-mixed family. Other than demographic details, the chronicle of his personal evolution is thematically similar to that of Langston Hughes, William E.B. DuBois, and James Weldon Johnson. But Hofmann's story is uniquely accessible.
The story of Hofmann's childhood is the story of my childhood, told from the "other" side of my black friends. The "black side" that I never saw. His is the story of being black, of "acting white" and wanting to be more black. It's the story of what Natalie and Jamie and Diana listened to and talked about when they weren't at my house listening to Bobbie Sherman and Peter, Paul & Mary. It's the story of how much of themselves they kept hidden from me... without me ever knowing.
Hofmann made me realize that in some ways Billy Council and I experienced our sandbox marathons very differently - he as the son of our hired housekeeper and me as the daughter of his mother's employers - and in other ways very much the same - as two kids enjoying summer in each other's company. Growing Up Black in White has me reliving scenes from the Virginia Beach Kings Grant Elementary School cafeteria and understanding for the first time why Natalie and her mother always sat in the last pew in church rather than sitting up front with us. I always thought it was just because our mothers didn't want Nat and me fooling around in church.
Growing Up Black in White is poignant, funny, and enlightening. Hofmann's decision to steep his story in the ordinary moments of life was inspired. His book pulses with an authenticity that will transport you back to your own childhood. If you spend any time at all there I trust you will see things you never saw before. Because as Hofmann shows, regardless of your skin color growing up is never simply black and white.
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Adoption - Journey to Motherhood
Yesterday I had the absolute pleasure of appearing again on Mary Beth Wells' radio show Adoption - Journey to Motherhood. Mary Beth is a birth mother and an adoptive mother and we discussed five realities of reunion. As always, Mary Beth was a gracious and enthusiastic host.
Visit the Adoption News section of the Adoptive Parent website to listen to the .mp3 version of the TogiNet radio interview.
Thanks for listening!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Visit the Adoption News section of the Adoptive Parent website to listen to the .mp3 version of the TogiNet radio interview.
Thanks for listening!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
On Tap This Week
I'm taking a break from my Summer Interview Series this week because I need to let some other thoughts and musings out! Summer Interview will return next Monday.
Over the course of this week I'll share my review of Kevin Hofmann's fabulous book, Growing Up Black in White.
I'll also circle back to some of the interviews I've posted thus far and share my reactions to them.
And if I can get my thoughts into words, I'll talk about our upcoming reunion with our son's birth family. That's a big "IF", because... it's always a staggering experience for me and difficult to express.
As always, I appreciate you reading and sharing!
Make a great day,
Sally
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Over the course of this week I'll share my review of Kevin Hofmann's fabulous book, Growing Up Black in White.
I'll also circle back to some of the interviews I've posted thus far and share my reactions to them.
And if I can get my thoughts into words, I'll talk about our upcoming reunion with our son's birth family. That's a big "IF", because... it's always a staggering experience for me and difficult to express.
As always, I appreciate you reading and sharing!
Make a great day,
Sally
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Saturday Author Salon at Lift Bridge Books
I hope you can join me Saturday July 24th for the inaugural Saturday Author Salon at Lift Bridge Books. I'll be there from 2-4 pm to chat and sign copies of my book What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
If you're a Lift Bridge shopper you know that it's a real gem right on the Erie Canal. If you've never been, this is the perfect time to check it out. Lift Bridge has an amazing assortment of books for every reader, including a full-to-the-brim Children's Department and books of Local Interest.
If you already have my book, stop in anyway! I would love to see you, and chances are you'll find something else you "must read" from the shelves of Lift Bridge.
Celebrate summer with the Saturday Author Salon at Lift Bridge Books, 45 Main St. in historic Brockport, NY, July 24th 2-4 pm.
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
If you're a Lift Bridge shopper you know that it's a real gem right on the Erie Canal. If you've never been, this is the perfect time to check it out. Lift Bridge has an amazing assortment of books for every reader, including a full-to-the-brim Children's Department and books of Local Interest.
If you already have my book, stop in anyway! I would love to see you, and chances are you'll find something else you "must read" from the shelves of Lift Bridge.
Celebrate summer with the Saturday Author Salon at Lift Bridge Books, 45 Main St. in historic Brockport, NY, July 24th 2-4 pm.
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Adoption Book Hits #2 on the Amazon Best Seller List!
Whoo-hoo! What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective is now the #2 best-selling adoption e-book in Amazon's Kindle Store.
Thanks for the support!!!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Thanks for the support!!!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Monday, July 5, 2010
Summer Interview Series - Myst
Welcome to week five of my Summer Interview Series. Each week I'll post an interview with someone touched by adoption. I hope that you will enjoy learning about them as much as I have. Please let me know if you would like to participate or would like to suggest someone else for me to interview.
This week - Myst
What is your name/title as you would like it to appear on my blog?
Myst
How has your life been touched by adoption?
I am a mother to three children; one whom I lost to adoption 12 years ago
How would you describe your opinion of/attitude toward adoption?
This is a difficult question as overall, I am not in favour of adoption and most people would label me as "anti-adoption" as I did for a long time myself until I discovered what this term meant to others. I see situations where I know nothing else other than adoption would have been good enough for a child who is in desperate need of a safe and loving home; I just wish there was a way we could do this for kids without adoption as I find adoption a bit like a guillotine.
Have your thoughts and feelings about adoption changed at all over the years? If so, in what ways and by what influence?
Yes, they have somewhat changed. At the beginning of my journey it was all about my rage and pain, now it is more about the fact I see so many people who have suffered as a result of adoption and what adoption has done to people and myself over the years. I like to think in some areas, I have broadened my thoughts and feeling about adoption and I do tend to think more about things from all points of view than I used to which is also part of becoming mature as one ages! Many people have influenced the way I have changed, as well as myself. I have met many mothers, adoptees and adoptive parents all whom have taught me more about adoption, some of it bad and some of it good. Now it is about surviving and supporting others who have been through the same kind of experiences.
Thinking of adoptive and prospective adoptive parents you know, how would you rate their understanding of what adoption is like for birth parents?
Wow, this is a difficult one. Sadly, most prospective adoptive parents I have had interaction with has been in adversarial circumstances and they have refused to listen to the reality of adoption loss. I have only a handful of adoptive parents who get adoption loss from the perspective of the adoptee, but for my loss... maybe only a couple? So I wouldn't rate the understanding that well.
Thinking of birth parents you know, how would you rate their understanding of what adoption is like for adoptive parents?
To be honest, I have no idea what other (first) parents feel. I think they see adoptive parents in a fairly negative light due to the fact many of them have had promises that were made by adoptive parents directly, broken amongst other things. In my situation, where the adoptive parents of my child actually took me to court to fight me for my child, I do not have warm feelings towards them and many others like them I have met. Having said that, I am thankful I have met some (a very small number of "some") who are not like them and thrugh them I have been given a glimpse into some of the difficulties they face. But in general, honestly, I don't think parents have much idea what adoption is like for adoptive parents.
People who I doubt would ever think of saying, "Wow, you're pretty enlightened for a woman," or "It's so nice to find a black who thinks like you do," seem perfectly comfortable saying to me, "I'm really surprised to hear that from an adoptive parent," and "I appreciate that coming from an adoptive parent." I assume good intentions, but I am nonetheless saddened that anyone would pre-define me by what little they know about one of the most personal decisions I have ever made. Have you experienced anything like that? If so, what has been your response?
Yes, I have gotten that but in a more negative frame. My loss is dismissed or I am burned at the sake for callously "giving" my child away. A few people have given the typical "oh how selfless" rubbish that I really detest given it wasn't a choice I made but one that was made against my will and by some other man.
I have a three-part question: I have encountered virulent forms of prejudice from all corners of the global adoption community. I have been dismissed, denied, attacked, and mocked because I am an adoptive parent, rather than because of a particular opinion I put forth.
* Have you ever had a similar experience based on your adoption-related label(s)? Yes, all the time
* What do you think is at the root of this ongoing conflict? To be honest, I think it is adoption itself. I fail to see where it fosters good will based on how it is practised and the myths and generalisations floating around out there about each group.
* What do you think needs to happen in order to achieve greater peace among all factions of the adoption community? A tough one. I am not sure if peace can ever be achieved because on one hand you have a woman doing the most unnatural thing she could ever do by placing or relinquishing her own child, then you have the baby who is confused and bewildered by what is happening or the older child who has been through so much they are not sure what this next chapter is going to mean and they both struggle at some point with their loss and being denied a voice and then you have the party who gains, the adoptive families where in many cases (but not all) want to pretend the child is a blank slate and has no other family. Each party is so starkly on the opposite side and the gap, especially given how adoption is practised currently, is too wide to bridge. I feel if adoption were something else where all parties could work together for the best interests and welfare of the child, something could work but the very nature of adoption is to completely strip a person of the life they are born to in order for them to have their adoptive life and I think this fact causes much angst. There is too much dishonesty and covering up in adoption. Things need to be wide, wide open and I don't think denying original birth certificates fosters any goodwill. Also the feeling of who owns the child needs to change... as no one does because no one owns anybody.
What challenges you most in your life (adoption-related or not)?
Okay... in my adoption life, the pain of not knowing what is going to happen in the future and whether or not my girl will come back to us or have some kind of relationship with us. In my non-adoption-related life, my other two children constantly challenge and bless me! Plus just the normal challenges of every day life like work etc.
What has been your greatest personal triumph in the last year? In the last five?
Wow, okay... I don't really know! In the last 5 (or six I should say) it has been being a mother and showing myself that I was right all along and that those who told me I would ruin my child's life were wrong. You see, when people say things like that, it stys in your head. To me, being married didn't mean I would change and so I concluded that something must have been so terrible about me that I was not fit to be a mother (despite being told my whole life I would make a great mum and the fact I was a Nanny for many years). Those statements at such a low point in my life did so much damage and I believed them. Having my second daughter and seeing how amazing she is and having so many people comment on how amazing she is has helped me realise it was just another method that was used to get my daughter from me. So yeah, that has been a personal triumph and my kids mean the world to me.
Is there anything else you would like to say about your personal experience, adoption in general, a blog you'd like to share, etc.?
For those who would like to know more about my story, my blog has it all in every gory detail LOL: Living in the Shadows. Thank you Sally!
Thank you, Myst!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
This week - Myst
What is your name/title as you would like it to appear on my blog?
Myst
How has your life been touched by adoption?
I am a mother to three children; one whom I lost to adoption 12 years ago
How would you describe your opinion of/attitude toward adoption?
This is a difficult question as overall, I am not in favour of adoption and most people would label me as "anti-adoption" as I did for a long time myself until I discovered what this term meant to others. I see situations where I know nothing else other than adoption would have been good enough for a child who is in desperate need of a safe and loving home; I just wish there was a way we could do this for kids without adoption as I find adoption a bit like a guillotine.
Have your thoughts and feelings about adoption changed at all over the years? If so, in what ways and by what influence?
Yes, they have somewhat changed. At the beginning of my journey it was all about my rage and pain, now it is more about the fact I see so many people who have suffered as a result of adoption and what adoption has done to people and myself over the years. I like to think in some areas, I have broadened my thoughts and feeling about adoption and I do tend to think more about things from all points of view than I used to which is also part of becoming mature as one ages! Many people have influenced the way I have changed, as well as myself. I have met many mothers, adoptees and adoptive parents all whom have taught me more about adoption, some of it bad and some of it good. Now it is about surviving and supporting others who have been through the same kind of experiences.
Thinking of adoptive and prospective adoptive parents you know, how would you rate their understanding of what adoption is like for birth parents?
Wow, this is a difficult one. Sadly, most prospective adoptive parents I have had interaction with has been in adversarial circumstances and they have refused to listen to the reality of adoption loss. I have only a handful of adoptive parents who get adoption loss from the perspective of the adoptee, but for my loss... maybe only a couple? So I wouldn't rate the understanding that well.
Thinking of birth parents you know, how would you rate their understanding of what adoption is like for adoptive parents?
To be honest, I have no idea what other (first) parents feel. I think they see adoptive parents in a fairly negative light due to the fact many of them have had promises that were made by adoptive parents directly, broken amongst other things. In my situation, where the adoptive parents of my child actually took me to court to fight me for my child, I do not have warm feelings towards them and many others like them I have met. Having said that, I am thankful I have met some (a very small number of "some") who are not like them and thrugh them I have been given a glimpse into some of the difficulties they face. But in general, honestly, I don't think parents have much idea what adoption is like for adoptive parents.
People who I doubt would ever think of saying, "Wow, you're pretty enlightened for a woman," or "It's so nice to find a black who thinks like you do," seem perfectly comfortable saying to me, "I'm really surprised to hear that from an adoptive parent," and "I appreciate that coming from an adoptive parent." I assume good intentions, but I am nonetheless saddened that anyone would pre-define me by what little they know about one of the most personal decisions I have ever made. Have you experienced anything like that? If so, what has been your response?
Yes, I have gotten that but in a more negative frame. My loss is dismissed or I am burned at the sake for callously "giving" my child away. A few people have given the typical "oh how selfless" rubbish that I really detest given it wasn't a choice I made but one that was made against my will and by some other man.
I have a three-part question: I have encountered virulent forms of prejudice from all corners of the global adoption community. I have been dismissed, denied, attacked, and mocked because I am an adoptive parent, rather than because of a particular opinion I put forth.
* Have you ever had a similar experience based on your adoption-related label(s)? Yes, all the time
* What do you think is at the root of this ongoing conflict? To be honest, I think it is adoption itself. I fail to see where it fosters good will based on how it is practised and the myths and generalisations floating around out there about each group.
* What do you think needs to happen in order to achieve greater peace among all factions of the adoption community? A tough one. I am not sure if peace can ever be achieved because on one hand you have a woman doing the most unnatural thing she could ever do by placing or relinquishing her own child, then you have the baby who is confused and bewildered by what is happening or the older child who has been through so much they are not sure what this next chapter is going to mean and they both struggle at some point with their loss and being denied a voice and then you have the party who gains, the adoptive families where in many cases (but not all) want to pretend the child is a blank slate and has no other family. Each party is so starkly on the opposite side and the gap, especially given how adoption is practised currently, is too wide to bridge. I feel if adoption were something else where all parties could work together for the best interests and welfare of the child, something could work but the very nature of adoption is to completely strip a person of the life they are born to in order for them to have their adoptive life and I think this fact causes much angst. There is too much dishonesty and covering up in adoption. Things need to be wide, wide open and I don't think denying original birth certificates fosters any goodwill. Also the feeling of who owns the child needs to change... as no one does because no one owns anybody.
What challenges you most in your life (adoption-related or not)?
Okay... in my adoption life, the pain of not knowing what is going to happen in the future and whether or not my girl will come back to us or have some kind of relationship with us. In my non-adoption-related life, my other two children constantly challenge and bless me! Plus just the normal challenges of every day life like work etc.
What has been your greatest personal triumph in the last year? In the last five?
Wow, okay... I don't really know! In the last 5 (or six I should say) it has been being a mother and showing myself that I was right all along and that those who told me I would ruin my child's life were wrong. You see, when people say things like that, it stys in your head. To me, being married didn't mean I would change and so I concluded that something must have been so terrible about me that I was not fit to be a mother (despite being told my whole life I would make a great mum and the fact I was a Nanny for many years). Those statements at such a low point in my life did so much damage and I believed them. Having my second daughter and seeing how amazing she is and having so many people comment on how amazing she is has helped me realise it was just another method that was used to get my daughter from me. So yeah, that has been a personal triumph and my kids mean the world to me.
Is there anything else you would like to say about your personal experience, adoption in general, a blog you'd like to share, etc.?
For those who would like to know more about my story, my blog has it all in every gory detail LOL: Living in the Shadows. Thank you Sally!
Thank you, Myst!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Thursday, July 1, 2010
So, I Heard From This Birth Father
A birth father recently contacted me asking for advice. I don't think I've ever felt less qualified to give advice, but I was willing to listen and see if I could be helpful.
I heard that during the pregnancy he never considered raising his daughter and that he believes he made the right decision, except when he worries that he made a mistake.
I heard that he has grieved every day since she was born, that he regrets relinquishing his parental rights, and yet he is relieved that she has a better man than he for a father.
I heard his fear of how either his absence or presence may affect the girl he helped create, how some days he wants desperately to have contact with her, and how other days he never wants to know anything about her.
I heard that he hates himself, feels like a loser, and is ashamed. He is afraid she will feel the same way about him. About her birth mother. About herself.
I heard that alcohol is the reason he conceived a child, the reason he didn't want to parent, and the reason he gets up in the morning.
I heard that he is grateful to adoption for giving him an out and grateful to her adoptive parents for giving her a better life. I heard that he resents adoption for giving him an out and resents her adoptive parents for being able to give her a better life.
I heard him blame himself, his parents, her birth mother, her parents, a social worker, a doctor, his aunt, his brother, "the world", "the media", and "the church," but he never said what the blame is for. For getting pregnant? For choosing adoption? For his addiction? I'm not sure. But he never once blamed the child for anything.
I heard that his shame is rooted in the fact that he does not want to parent his child. He desperately wants to want to parent her. But he doesn't. And that makes him very, very sad.
I listened. I cried. I felt his pain. And I never felt less qualified to give advice.
Click here to purchase a print version of Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
I heard that during the pregnancy he never considered raising his daughter and that he believes he made the right decision, except when he worries that he made a mistake.
I heard that he has grieved every day since she was born, that he regrets relinquishing his parental rights, and yet he is relieved that she has a better man than he for a father.
I heard his fear of how either his absence or presence may affect the girl he helped create, how some days he wants desperately to have contact with her, and how other days he never wants to know anything about her.
I heard that he hates himself, feels like a loser, and is ashamed. He is afraid she will feel the same way about him. About her birth mother. About herself.
I heard that alcohol is the reason he conceived a child, the reason he didn't want to parent, and the reason he gets up in the morning.
I heard that he is grateful to adoption for giving him an out and grateful to her adoptive parents for giving her a better life. I heard that he resents adoption for giving him an out and resents her adoptive parents for being able to give her a better life.
I heard him blame himself, his parents, her birth mother, her parents, a social worker, a doctor, his aunt, his brother, "the world", "the media", and "the church," but he never said what the blame is for. For getting pregnant? For choosing adoption? For his addiction? I'm not sure. But he never once blamed the child for anything.
I heard that his shame is rooted in the fact that he does not want to parent his child. He desperately wants to want to parent her. But he doesn't. And that makes him very, very sad.
I listened. I cried. I felt his pain. And I never felt less qualified to give advice.
Click here to purchase a print version of Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)