If you haven't found Ariel's blog yet, please go there today. Her voice is essential to the adoption conversation.
She writes: Even all these months later, it doesn’t take a lot for grief to
overpower me. I don’t know how to think about him, this little person
that I can’t bring myself to address anymore, and not have it ruin my
day. I’m starting to think that a blog is not enough as an outlet. I hoped
it could be enough, but it has also enabled me in ignoring my feelings
and never talking about him in real life, which doesn’t lend well to my
sanity. But I can’t do anything else, not when everyone else is
completely fine with the omissions, and I am literally the only one who
notices a big hole everywhere.
Adoptive parents, we need to listen...
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Showing posts with label open adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label open adoption. Show all posts
Friday, April 26, 2013
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Good Old What's His Name
Our family speaks frankly about adoption. So much so that our kids assume adoption is part of everyone's birth story, which is either funny or tragic, depending on your own experiences.
I'm pained to realize that in all of our formal discussions and impromptu conversations and off-hand mentions of adoption, we've barely talked about their birth fathers. We just don't know much about them.
I know they made decisions that will reverberate in my life as long as it lasts.
I know their first names.
I know what one of them looks like. I know he was adopted and wanted to be present at the birth.
I know the year the other one graduated from high school. I know he was a straight A student and was no longer in a relationship with M when the baby was born.
That's it.
What I know about them amounts to a pile of nothing.
I can't give my children anything of substance about the men they came from.
It's an awful feeling.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
I'm pained to realize that in all of our formal discussions and impromptu conversations and off-hand mentions of adoption, we've barely talked about their birth fathers. We just don't know much about them.
I know they made decisions that will reverberate in my life as long as it lasts.
I know their first names.
I know what one of them looks like. I know he was adopted and wanted to be present at the birth.
I know the year the other one graduated from high school. I know he was a straight A student and was no longer in a relationship with M when the baby was born.
That's it.
What I know about them amounts to a pile of nothing.
I can't give my children anything of substance about the men they came from.
It's an awful feeling.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Statistically Impossible
I've been following Statistically Impossible for quite a while, and it just occurred to me that I haven't shared the link here.
I sincerely hope you will check it out and spend some time there.
Make a great day,
Sally
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
I sincerely hope you will check it out and spend some time there.
Make a great day,
Sally
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Monday, September 20, 2010
Response to 'Not My Normal Modus Operandi'
Do you read Valency? I do, and one of her recent posts knocked some things loose in my head for me. I started to write a response, but it quickly became too long, so I'm posting it here.
Valency wrote this in response to a reader's comments on her post Not My Normal Modus Operandi: ...I am just so astounded that adoptive parents would even discuss how much their new acquisition “costs”, especially in an open setting like a blog, all laying out there for the whole world to read. And then to whine about how it is robbery and put them in an unfair moral dilemma????? Say what?
What follows is my response to Valency.
I think that some APs who do so have convinced themselves that they are entitled to parent. They resent their infertility. They feel frustrated, depressed, hopeless, impatient, and very sad. I know I did; I felt all of those things. Except entitled. I never felt that. I spent eight years in the crippling grip of infertility, and never once did I think that I 'deserved' a child or that someone 'owed' me a child or that another woman should just 'admit that she's unfit and give her kid up already' - sadly, all things I have heard (or read) PAPs say.
I haven’t yet been able to sort out how much of that attitude of entitlement is pure self-absorption and how much is cultivated by the adoption industry, whether intentionally or not. PAPs hear an awful lot from industry professionals about their (the PAPs) needs, desires, dreams, fitness to parent, choices, etc., and VIRTUALLY NOTHING about the needs, desires, dreams, fitness to parent, choices, etc. of first parents.
My daughter’s first mother was something of a mythical creature to me for a long time post-adoption, and I’m not a shallow pea-brain; I’m educated, insightful, and compassionate, but I was told zero about her except for some basic stats when we got The Call. We had waited years for The Call, and we were consumed by our joy and anticipation. It was shamefully easy NOT to think about first mother. The baby is here, the baby is real, the baby is ours! M (first mother) had never been made real to us. The role of first mother had never been made real. It had never been made to be more than a means to our end. (I feel sick re-reading that, but it’s true.) We were never directed or even encouraged to explore the adoptive experience from the first parent perspective.
In fact, the adoption professionals who spoke with us gave no indication that there was an “adoptive experience” at all for first parents. It was all about us and what paperwork we needed to complete and what appointments we needed to make and what monies were due when and to whom. Heaven knows, I was grateful for the support we got… we didn’t have a clue what we needed to do or how to navigate the logistics and legalities of adopting. But I noticed that my questions about first parents were dodged with “We’re handling everything with them” or “She’s fine.” I pressed, and I was redirected. I pushed, and I was reassured. “We’re handling everything with them.” “She’s fine.” And I accepted that they were and she was. I couldn’t even begin to comprehend the first mother experience and wouldn’t presume to know what a first mother might need, so I trusted the professionals. I wanted to do the “right thing” for my new daughter’s first mother, and I got the message that the “right thing” was to let the pros handle it. So I took myself off the hook.
I learned a lot over the next 3 ½ years, and I plan to stay on the hook for the rest of my days. My son’s first mother was real to me before I met her. Real to me even before we got The Call. My earliest thoughts were more about her than the baby.
Why is she doing this?
Has she talked with other first mothers?
Has anyone explained to her how her feelings may change as time goes on?
Is she making this choice because she wants to or because she thinks she has to?
I questioned whether or not I even wanted to adopt a second time. The experience this time was all about a woman who had chosen not to parent – I wanted to spend time with her and explore the roots of her decision, her relationship with first father, her thoughts of the future, her family, her needs, her emotions, her questions, her options, her journey, her strength, her conviction, her time with her child – and not at all about us wanting a second child. Honestly, not at all.
So, where am I going with all of this? I’m not sure. These thoughts have been ricocheting around in my head for a while, and I was prompted by Valency’s recent post to type them out and hope to find clarity staring back at me.
It's not yet.
I can wait.
There are a few more things I want to say:
• Every adoption professional I have personally spoken to or worked with has seemed genuinely compassionate and ethical. I don’t believe that any of them are knowingly malevolent or unethical. I have heard of some, but never encountered any.
• I can’t call to mind any APs or PAPs who are intentionally offensive, insensitive, thieving, womb-robbers. None that I know personally. I have found some on the internet, so I know that some are. My point is that many of us aren't.
• I support adoption as an option for first mothers/fathers who do not want to parent. (And yes, they exist, and yes, it’s terribly sad, and no, I can’t imagine being an adoptee that learns that about their first parents.)
• I think it is immoral for any state to make it easier for someone to adopt a child than for first parents to raise a child.
• I think it’s crass and insensitive for PAPs to complain about the cost of adoption or to conduct personal fundraising campaigns to defray their adoption expenses. JMO.
• I am deeply grateful to my children’s first parents for teaching me. I love you.
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Valency wrote this in response to a reader's comments on her post Not My Normal Modus Operandi: ...I am just so astounded that adoptive parents would even discuss how much their new acquisition “costs”, especially in an open setting like a blog, all laying out there for the whole world to read. And then to whine about how it is robbery and put them in an unfair moral dilemma????? Say what?
What follows is my response to Valency.
I think that some APs who do so have convinced themselves that they are entitled to parent. They resent their infertility. They feel frustrated, depressed, hopeless, impatient, and very sad. I know I did; I felt all of those things. Except entitled. I never felt that. I spent eight years in the crippling grip of infertility, and never once did I think that I 'deserved' a child or that someone 'owed' me a child or that another woman should just 'admit that she's unfit and give her kid up already' - sadly, all things I have heard (or read) PAPs say.
I haven’t yet been able to sort out how much of that attitude of entitlement is pure self-absorption and how much is cultivated by the adoption industry, whether intentionally or not. PAPs hear an awful lot from industry professionals about their (the PAPs) needs, desires, dreams, fitness to parent, choices, etc., and VIRTUALLY NOTHING about the needs, desires, dreams, fitness to parent, choices, etc. of first parents.
My daughter’s first mother was something of a mythical creature to me for a long time post-adoption, and I’m not a shallow pea-brain; I’m educated, insightful, and compassionate, but I was told zero about her except for some basic stats when we got The Call. We had waited years for The Call, and we were consumed by our joy and anticipation. It was shamefully easy NOT to think about first mother. The baby is here, the baby is real, the baby is ours! M (first mother) had never been made real to us. The role of first mother had never been made real. It had never been made to be more than a means to our end. (I feel sick re-reading that, but it’s true.) We were never directed or even encouraged to explore the adoptive experience from the first parent perspective.
In fact, the adoption professionals who spoke with us gave no indication that there was an “adoptive experience” at all for first parents. It was all about us and what paperwork we needed to complete and what appointments we needed to make and what monies were due when and to whom. Heaven knows, I was grateful for the support we got… we didn’t have a clue what we needed to do or how to navigate the logistics and legalities of adopting. But I noticed that my questions about first parents were dodged with “We’re handling everything with them” or “She’s fine.” I pressed, and I was redirected. I pushed, and I was reassured. “We’re handling everything with them.” “She’s fine.” And I accepted that they were and she was. I couldn’t even begin to comprehend the first mother experience and wouldn’t presume to know what a first mother might need, so I trusted the professionals. I wanted to do the “right thing” for my new daughter’s first mother, and I got the message that the “right thing” was to let the pros handle it. So I took myself off the hook.
I learned a lot over the next 3 ½ years, and I plan to stay on the hook for the rest of my days. My son’s first mother was real to me before I met her. Real to me even before we got The Call. My earliest thoughts were more about her than the baby.
Why is she doing this?
Has she talked with other first mothers?
Has anyone explained to her how her feelings may change as time goes on?
Is she making this choice because she wants to or because she thinks she has to?
I questioned whether or not I even wanted to adopt a second time. The experience this time was all about a woman who had chosen not to parent – I wanted to spend time with her and explore the roots of her decision, her relationship with first father, her thoughts of the future, her family, her needs, her emotions, her questions, her options, her journey, her strength, her conviction, her time with her child – and not at all about us wanting a second child. Honestly, not at all.
So, where am I going with all of this? I’m not sure. These thoughts have been ricocheting around in my head for a while, and I was prompted by Valency’s recent post to type them out and hope to find clarity staring back at me.
It's not yet.
I can wait.
There are a few more things I want to say:
• Every adoption professional I have personally spoken to or worked with has seemed genuinely compassionate and ethical. I don’t believe that any of them are knowingly malevolent or unethical. I have heard of some, but never encountered any.
• I can’t call to mind any APs or PAPs who are intentionally offensive, insensitive, thieving, womb-robbers. None that I know personally. I have found some on the internet, so I know that some are. My point is that many of us aren't.
• I support adoption as an option for first mothers/fathers who do not want to parent. (And yes, they exist, and yes, it’s terribly sad, and no, I can’t imagine being an adoptee that learns that about their first parents.)
• I think it is immoral for any state to make it easier for someone to adopt a child than for first parents to raise a child.
• I think it’s crass and insensitive for PAPs to complain about the cost of adoption or to conduct personal fundraising campaigns to defray their adoption expenses. JMO.
• I am deeply grateful to my children’s first parents for teaching me. I love you.
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Adoption Book in the News
Many thanks to Steve Vogt for highlighting my book in his Democrat and Chronicle.com article Northeast residents, places make news.
Steve's weekly column features news and notes about the people and communities Northeast of Rochester. I encourage you to dig around in his Past Columns section. It's a great place to wander.
Thanks, Steve, for the mention!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Steve's weekly column features news and notes about the people and communities Northeast of Rochester. I encourage you to dig around in his Past Columns section. It's a great place to wander.
Thanks, Steve, for the mention!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Adoption Book Review - Growing Up Black in White
Growing Up Black in White is Kevin D. Hofmann's memoir of growing up as a bi-racial adoptee in an all-white family. When I began reading Hofmann's book I expected to enjoy the read, but I doubted I would find anything new. No stranger to transracial adoption experiences, I assumed his book would be a variation on a familiar theme.
I made a note in the margin on page 5. And on page 8. And on page 13. Thirty-five notes in all in a 168 page book. Growing Up Black in White is definitely not merely a variation on a familiar theme.
What Hofmann does so well is tell his story. He simply tells his story, without activism or criticism or politics, and that's what I found so moving. He writes sincerely and humorously about the joys and challenges of his childhood, growing up, and his racially-mixed family. Other than demographic details, the chronicle of his personal evolution is thematically similar to that of Langston Hughes, William E.B. DuBois, and James Weldon Johnson. But Hofmann's story is uniquely accessible.
The story of Hofmann's childhood is the story of my childhood, told from the "other" side of my black friends. The "black side" that I never saw. His is the story of being black, of "acting white" and wanting to be more black. It's the story of what Natalie and Jamie and Diana listened to and talked about when they weren't at my house listening to Bobbie Sherman and Peter, Paul & Mary. It's the story of how much of themselves they kept hidden from me... without me ever knowing.
Hofmann made me realize that in some ways Billy Council and I experienced our sandbox marathons very differently - he as the son of our hired housekeeper and me as the daughter of his mother's employers - and in other ways very much the same - as two kids enjoying summer in each other's company. Growing Up Black in White has me reliving scenes from the Virginia Beach Kings Grant Elementary School cafeteria and understanding for the first time why Natalie and her mother always sat in the last pew in church rather than sitting up front with us. I always thought it was just because our mothers didn't want Nat and me fooling around in church.
Growing Up Black in White is poignant, funny, and enlightening. Hofmann's decision to steep his story in the ordinary moments of life was inspired. His book pulses with an authenticity that will transport you back to your own childhood. If you spend any time at all there I trust you will see things you never saw before. Because as Hofmann shows, regardless of your skin color growing up is never simply black and white.
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
I made a note in the margin on page 5. And on page 8. And on page 13. Thirty-five notes in all in a 168 page book. Growing Up Black in White is definitely not merely a variation on a familiar theme.
What Hofmann does so well is tell his story. He simply tells his story, without activism or criticism or politics, and that's what I found so moving. He writes sincerely and humorously about the joys and challenges of his childhood, growing up, and his racially-mixed family. Other than demographic details, the chronicle of his personal evolution is thematically similar to that of Langston Hughes, William E.B. DuBois, and James Weldon Johnson. But Hofmann's story is uniquely accessible.
The story of Hofmann's childhood is the story of my childhood, told from the "other" side of my black friends. The "black side" that I never saw. His is the story of being black, of "acting white" and wanting to be more black. It's the story of what Natalie and Jamie and Diana listened to and talked about when they weren't at my house listening to Bobbie Sherman and Peter, Paul & Mary. It's the story of how much of themselves they kept hidden from me... without me ever knowing.
Hofmann made me realize that in some ways Billy Council and I experienced our sandbox marathons very differently - he as the son of our hired housekeeper and me as the daughter of his mother's employers - and in other ways very much the same - as two kids enjoying summer in each other's company. Growing Up Black in White has me reliving scenes from the Virginia Beach Kings Grant Elementary School cafeteria and understanding for the first time why Natalie and her mother always sat in the last pew in church rather than sitting up front with us. I always thought it was just because our mothers didn't want Nat and me fooling around in church.
Growing Up Black in White is poignant, funny, and enlightening. Hofmann's decision to steep his story in the ordinary moments of life was inspired. His book pulses with an authenticity that will transport you back to your own childhood. If you spend any time at all there I trust you will see things you never saw before. Because as Hofmann shows, regardless of your skin color growing up is never simply black and white.
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Adoption Book Hits #2 on the Amazon Best Seller List!
Whoo-hoo! What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective is now the #2 best-selling adoption e-book in Amazon's Kindle Store.
Thanks for the support!!!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Thanks for the support!!!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Monday, July 5, 2010
Summer Interview Series - Myst
Welcome to week five of my Summer Interview Series. Each week I'll post an interview with someone touched by adoption. I hope that you will enjoy learning about them as much as I have. Please let me know if you would like to participate or would like to suggest someone else for me to interview.
This week - Myst
What is your name/title as you would like it to appear on my blog?
Myst
How has your life been touched by adoption?
I am a mother to three children; one whom I lost to adoption 12 years ago
How would you describe your opinion of/attitude toward adoption?
This is a difficult question as overall, I am not in favour of adoption and most people would label me as "anti-adoption" as I did for a long time myself until I discovered what this term meant to others. I see situations where I know nothing else other than adoption would have been good enough for a child who is in desperate need of a safe and loving home; I just wish there was a way we could do this for kids without adoption as I find adoption a bit like a guillotine.
Have your thoughts and feelings about adoption changed at all over the years? If so, in what ways and by what influence?
Yes, they have somewhat changed. At the beginning of my journey it was all about my rage and pain, now it is more about the fact I see so many people who have suffered as a result of adoption and what adoption has done to people and myself over the years. I like to think in some areas, I have broadened my thoughts and feeling about adoption and I do tend to think more about things from all points of view than I used to which is also part of becoming mature as one ages! Many people have influenced the way I have changed, as well as myself. I have met many mothers, adoptees and adoptive parents all whom have taught me more about adoption, some of it bad and some of it good. Now it is about surviving and supporting others who have been through the same kind of experiences.
Thinking of adoptive and prospective adoptive parents you know, how would you rate their understanding of what adoption is like for birth parents?
Wow, this is a difficult one. Sadly, most prospective adoptive parents I have had interaction with has been in adversarial circumstances and they have refused to listen to the reality of adoption loss. I have only a handful of adoptive parents who get adoption loss from the perspective of the adoptee, but for my loss... maybe only a couple? So I wouldn't rate the understanding that well.
Thinking of birth parents you know, how would you rate their understanding of what adoption is like for adoptive parents?
To be honest, I have no idea what other (first) parents feel. I think they see adoptive parents in a fairly negative light due to the fact many of them have had promises that were made by adoptive parents directly, broken amongst other things. In my situation, where the adoptive parents of my child actually took me to court to fight me for my child, I do not have warm feelings towards them and many others like them I have met. Having said that, I am thankful I have met some (a very small number of "some") who are not like them and thrugh them I have been given a glimpse into some of the difficulties they face. But in general, honestly, I don't think parents have much idea what adoption is like for adoptive parents.
People who I doubt would ever think of saying, "Wow, you're pretty enlightened for a woman," or "It's so nice to find a black who thinks like you do," seem perfectly comfortable saying to me, "I'm really surprised to hear that from an adoptive parent," and "I appreciate that coming from an adoptive parent." I assume good intentions, but I am nonetheless saddened that anyone would pre-define me by what little they know about one of the most personal decisions I have ever made. Have you experienced anything like that? If so, what has been your response?
Yes, I have gotten that but in a more negative frame. My loss is dismissed or I am burned at the sake for callously "giving" my child away. A few people have given the typical "oh how selfless" rubbish that I really detest given it wasn't a choice I made but one that was made against my will and by some other man.
I have a three-part question: I have encountered virulent forms of prejudice from all corners of the global adoption community. I have been dismissed, denied, attacked, and mocked because I am an adoptive parent, rather than because of a particular opinion I put forth.
* Have you ever had a similar experience based on your adoption-related label(s)? Yes, all the time
* What do you think is at the root of this ongoing conflict? To be honest, I think it is adoption itself. I fail to see where it fosters good will based on how it is practised and the myths and generalisations floating around out there about each group.
* What do you think needs to happen in order to achieve greater peace among all factions of the adoption community? A tough one. I am not sure if peace can ever be achieved because on one hand you have a woman doing the most unnatural thing she could ever do by placing or relinquishing her own child, then you have the baby who is confused and bewildered by what is happening or the older child who has been through so much they are not sure what this next chapter is going to mean and they both struggle at some point with their loss and being denied a voice and then you have the party who gains, the adoptive families where in many cases (but not all) want to pretend the child is a blank slate and has no other family. Each party is so starkly on the opposite side and the gap, especially given how adoption is practised currently, is too wide to bridge. I feel if adoption were something else where all parties could work together for the best interests and welfare of the child, something could work but the very nature of adoption is to completely strip a person of the life they are born to in order for them to have their adoptive life and I think this fact causes much angst. There is too much dishonesty and covering up in adoption. Things need to be wide, wide open and I don't think denying original birth certificates fosters any goodwill. Also the feeling of who owns the child needs to change... as no one does because no one owns anybody.
What challenges you most in your life (adoption-related or not)?
Okay... in my adoption life, the pain of not knowing what is going to happen in the future and whether or not my girl will come back to us or have some kind of relationship with us. In my non-adoption-related life, my other two children constantly challenge and bless me! Plus just the normal challenges of every day life like work etc.
What has been your greatest personal triumph in the last year? In the last five?
Wow, okay... I don't really know! In the last 5 (or six I should say) it has been being a mother and showing myself that I was right all along and that those who told me I would ruin my child's life were wrong. You see, when people say things like that, it stys in your head. To me, being married didn't mean I would change and so I concluded that something must have been so terrible about me that I was not fit to be a mother (despite being told my whole life I would make a great mum and the fact I was a Nanny for many years). Those statements at such a low point in my life did so much damage and I believed them. Having my second daughter and seeing how amazing she is and having so many people comment on how amazing she is has helped me realise it was just another method that was used to get my daughter from me. So yeah, that has been a personal triumph and my kids mean the world to me.
Is there anything else you would like to say about your personal experience, adoption in general, a blog you'd like to share, etc.?
For those who would like to know more about my story, my blog has it all in every gory detail LOL: Living in the Shadows. Thank you Sally!
Thank you, Myst!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
This week - Myst
What is your name/title as you would like it to appear on my blog?
Myst
How has your life been touched by adoption?
I am a mother to three children; one whom I lost to adoption 12 years ago
How would you describe your opinion of/attitude toward adoption?
This is a difficult question as overall, I am not in favour of adoption and most people would label me as "anti-adoption" as I did for a long time myself until I discovered what this term meant to others. I see situations where I know nothing else other than adoption would have been good enough for a child who is in desperate need of a safe and loving home; I just wish there was a way we could do this for kids without adoption as I find adoption a bit like a guillotine.
Have your thoughts and feelings about adoption changed at all over the years? If so, in what ways and by what influence?
Yes, they have somewhat changed. At the beginning of my journey it was all about my rage and pain, now it is more about the fact I see so many people who have suffered as a result of adoption and what adoption has done to people and myself over the years. I like to think in some areas, I have broadened my thoughts and feeling about adoption and I do tend to think more about things from all points of view than I used to which is also part of becoming mature as one ages! Many people have influenced the way I have changed, as well as myself. I have met many mothers, adoptees and adoptive parents all whom have taught me more about adoption, some of it bad and some of it good. Now it is about surviving and supporting others who have been through the same kind of experiences.
Thinking of adoptive and prospective adoptive parents you know, how would you rate their understanding of what adoption is like for birth parents?
Wow, this is a difficult one. Sadly, most prospective adoptive parents I have had interaction with has been in adversarial circumstances and they have refused to listen to the reality of adoption loss. I have only a handful of adoptive parents who get adoption loss from the perspective of the adoptee, but for my loss... maybe only a couple? So I wouldn't rate the understanding that well.
Thinking of birth parents you know, how would you rate their understanding of what adoption is like for adoptive parents?
To be honest, I have no idea what other (first) parents feel. I think they see adoptive parents in a fairly negative light due to the fact many of them have had promises that were made by adoptive parents directly, broken amongst other things. In my situation, where the adoptive parents of my child actually took me to court to fight me for my child, I do not have warm feelings towards them and many others like them I have met. Having said that, I am thankful I have met some (a very small number of "some") who are not like them and thrugh them I have been given a glimpse into some of the difficulties they face. But in general, honestly, I don't think parents have much idea what adoption is like for adoptive parents.
People who I doubt would ever think of saying, "Wow, you're pretty enlightened for a woman," or "It's so nice to find a black who thinks like you do," seem perfectly comfortable saying to me, "I'm really surprised to hear that from an adoptive parent," and "I appreciate that coming from an adoptive parent." I assume good intentions, but I am nonetheless saddened that anyone would pre-define me by what little they know about one of the most personal decisions I have ever made. Have you experienced anything like that? If so, what has been your response?
Yes, I have gotten that but in a more negative frame. My loss is dismissed or I am burned at the sake for callously "giving" my child away. A few people have given the typical "oh how selfless" rubbish that I really detest given it wasn't a choice I made but one that was made against my will and by some other man.
I have a three-part question: I have encountered virulent forms of prejudice from all corners of the global adoption community. I have been dismissed, denied, attacked, and mocked because I am an adoptive parent, rather than because of a particular opinion I put forth.
* Have you ever had a similar experience based on your adoption-related label(s)? Yes, all the time
* What do you think is at the root of this ongoing conflict? To be honest, I think it is adoption itself. I fail to see where it fosters good will based on how it is practised and the myths and generalisations floating around out there about each group.
* What do you think needs to happen in order to achieve greater peace among all factions of the adoption community? A tough one. I am not sure if peace can ever be achieved because on one hand you have a woman doing the most unnatural thing she could ever do by placing or relinquishing her own child, then you have the baby who is confused and bewildered by what is happening or the older child who has been through so much they are not sure what this next chapter is going to mean and they both struggle at some point with their loss and being denied a voice and then you have the party who gains, the adoptive families where in many cases (but not all) want to pretend the child is a blank slate and has no other family. Each party is so starkly on the opposite side and the gap, especially given how adoption is practised currently, is too wide to bridge. I feel if adoption were something else where all parties could work together for the best interests and welfare of the child, something could work but the very nature of adoption is to completely strip a person of the life they are born to in order for them to have their adoptive life and I think this fact causes much angst. There is too much dishonesty and covering up in adoption. Things need to be wide, wide open and I don't think denying original birth certificates fosters any goodwill. Also the feeling of who owns the child needs to change... as no one does because no one owns anybody.
What challenges you most in your life (adoption-related or not)?
Okay... in my adoption life, the pain of not knowing what is going to happen in the future and whether or not my girl will come back to us or have some kind of relationship with us. In my non-adoption-related life, my other two children constantly challenge and bless me! Plus just the normal challenges of every day life like work etc.
What has been your greatest personal triumph in the last year? In the last five?
Wow, okay... I don't really know! In the last 5 (or six I should say) it has been being a mother and showing myself that I was right all along and that those who told me I would ruin my child's life were wrong. You see, when people say things like that, it stys in your head. To me, being married didn't mean I would change and so I concluded that something must have been so terrible about me that I was not fit to be a mother (despite being told my whole life I would make a great mum and the fact I was a Nanny for many years). Those statements at such a low point in my life did so much damage and I believed them. Having my second daughter and seeing how amazing she is and having so many people comment on how amazing she is has helped me realise it was just another method that was used to get my daughter from me. So yeah, that has been a personal triumph and my kids mean the world to me.
Is there anything else you would like to say about your personal experience, adoption in general, a blog you'd like to share, etc.?
For those who would like to know more about my story, my blog has it all in every gory detail LOL: Living in the Shadows. Thank you Sally!
Thank you, Myst!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Thursday, July 1, 2010
So, I Heard From This Birth Father
A birth father recently contacted me asking for advice. I don't think I've ever felt less qualified to give advice, but I was willing to listen and see if I could be helpful.
I heard that during the pregnancy he never considered raising his daughter and that he believes he made the right decision, except when he worries that he made a mistake.
I heard that he has grieved every day since she was born, that he regrets relinquishing his parental rights, and yet he is relieved that she has a better man than he for a father.
I heard his fear of how either his absence or presence may affect the girl he helped create, how some days he wants desperately to have contact with her, and how other days he never wants to know anything about her.
I heard that he hates himself, feels like a loser, and is ashamed. He is afraid she will feel the same way about him. About her birth mother. About herself.
I heard that alcohol is the reason he conceived a child, the reason he didn't want to parent, and the reason he gets up in the morning.
I heard that he is grateful to adoption for giving him an out and grateful to her adoptive parents for giving her a better life. I heard that he resents adoption for giving him an out and resents her adoptive parents for being able to give her a better life.
I heard him blame himself, his parents, her birth mother, her parents, a social worker, a doctor, his aunt, his brother, "the world", "the media", and "the church," but he never said what the blame is for. For getting pregnant? For choosing adoption? For his addiction? I'm not sure. But he never once blamed the child for anything.
I heard that his shame is rooted in the fact that he does not want to parent his child. He desperately wants to want to parent her. But he doesn't. And that makes him very, very sad.
I listened. I cried. I felt his pain. And I never felt less qualified to give advice.
Click here to purchase a print version of Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
I heard that during the pregnancy he never considered raising his daughter and that he believes he made the right decision, except when he worries that he made a mistake.
I heard that he has grieved every day since she was born, that he regrets relinquishing his parental rights, and yet he is relieved that she has a better man than he for a father.
I heard his fear of how either his absence or presence may affect the girl he helped create, how some days he wants desperately to have contact with her, and how other days he never wants to know anything about her.
I heard that he hates himself, feels like a loser, and is ashamed. He is afraid she will feel the same way about him. About her birth mother. About herself.
I heard that alcohol is the reason he conceived a child, the reason he didn't want to parent, and the reason he gets up in the morning.
I heard that he is grateful to adoption for giving him an out and grateful to her adoptive parents for giving her a better life. I heard that he resents adoption for giving him an out and resents her adoptive parents for being able to give her a better life.
I heard him blame himself, his parents, her birth mother, her parents, a social worker, a doctor, his aunt, his brother, "the world", "the media", and "the church," but he never said what the blame is for. For getting pregnant? For choosing adoption? For his addiction? I'm not sure. But he never once blamed the child for anything.
I heard that his shame is rooted in the fact that he does not want to parent his child. He desperately wants to want to parent her. But he doesn't. And that makes him very, very sad.
I listened. I cried. I felt his pain. And I never felt less qualified to give advice.
Click here to purchase a print version of Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Monday, June 28, 2010
Summer Interview Series - Michelle (Prospective Parent)
Welcome to week four of my Summer Interview Series. Each week I'll post an interview with someone touched by adoption. I hope that you will enjoy learning about them as much as I have. Please let me know if you would like to participate or would like to suggest someone else for me to interview.
This week - Prospective adoptive mother Michelle P. from Blogginstyle.
What is your name/title as you would like it to appear on my blog?
Michelle P. from Blogginstyle.
How has your life been touched by adoption?
I have to be honest in saying adoption was not something I gave much thought until it we were faced with infertility challenges. I had a good friend in elementary school who was adopted but it was not something that we ever discussed. At that time adoption were so hush hush….I know we discussed it at my family dinners when my curiosity peeked about the subject, but I was told not to speak of it with her.
Five years ago a good friend of mine was blessed with a little girl through adoption and then a little boy a few years later, so I certainly heard her story from start to finish. However in my naivety at that time I never thought it was something that would touch my life so deeply.
When Terry and I discovered that having biological children would not be an option for us, we of course were devastated, and spent time mourning this. We knew though, we still wanted to be parents. By this time we now had a few different couples in our lives that had been blessed with children through domestic adoption, so we had a few very positive experiences to hear about and learn from…..it didn’t take long to know that this was something that we definitely wanted to do. It has been wonderful to learn and gain insight from these couples…so we decided to start the process of domestic adoption.
We both have always tried to stay very realistic about where this could take us. It may work out but it may not. We truly want our prayers to be answered, but know that if that is not to be we will be okay…we love each other and are best friends…as long as we have each other our lives will be full.
Has your impression of adoption (in general) changed at all during the time you've been waiting to adopt? If so, in what ways and by what influence?
When I think back two years ago and reflect on my opinions and knowledge of adoption in general, I have to chuckle………NAÏVE…that is all I can say. From thinking that this would happen very quickly, to being so scared when our social worker even suggested ‘open adoption”. It is amazing how much I have learned in the past year and a half. Much of my new found knowledge has come from all the wonderful people I have met through my blog. As well all the great online sources.
The one thing that sticks out in my mind is how we felt about open adoption when we first started into this process. It was something that definitely made us nervous. However after chatting with a wonderful birthmother that I have come to know and hearing her story and listening to her and the joy she has when she gets to spend time with her son….I quickly came to realize just how important an open relationship can be for you as a family, for the woman that has given you this amazing gift and of course most importantly that special child.
I have found that the longer I live the more my perspective shifts as I encounter and incorporate new experiences with my own history and impressions. I have been surprised by how much the reality of being a parent, and an adoptive parent, differs from my expectations. What resources have you tapped into to prepare yourself for becoming an adoptive parent? What has been most helpful to you, either specific resources or specific advice?
I am always amazed as well, at how my thoughts and views change the older I get. I think I would have been a much different parent in my 20’s, not better or worse just very different. I doubt I would have been ready to truly be the best parent to an adopted child. I do believe that raising an adopted child is much different in some ways than raising a biological child. Like any prospective parent I have expectations and ideals that most likely will be blown out of the water once reality hits, but at this time I have surrounded myself with books, websites, and friends that are raising adopted families. I am taking their cues on how to handle different situations that arise.
What degree of openness do you hope to have with your child's birth parents? Why?
Well this is a very interesting question for me right now. Like I said earlier if you had asked me this question last year I might have replied by saying hopefully not much. However after a year of growth and knowledge I would love to have an open adoption. I do believe that if handled properly from the very beginning stages of an adopted child’s life the benefits of openness are astounding for adopted children. Unfortunately we are currently matched with a birthmother that is choosing no openness at all, she would like a completely closed adoption…which makes me sad, but we respect her wishes and know that she has some very good reasons why this adoption should continue to be closed. I have said to her many times that our door would always be open to her and her family if ever there is a time that they would like to have contact.
What has challenged you most during your wait? What has been your response?
The only way I can describe the waiting period for me would be the most intense rollercoaster ride. There are times when I have been fine, patient…realizing life is going to happen and there is not one thing you can change about it. Then there are the other times when I am a crazed mad woman that feels totally out of control and needs to take action. That for me is the hardest, the lack of control. Most of your waiting time is spent with no control over the situation…..
What I have done to keep myself occupied was tons of work, tons of fun with my husband, travel, redecorating…crafts, jewelry making…you name it I have done it.
If I can give any advice it would be, don’t beat yourself up at some point in your wait you will have a melt down or two….it is going to happen…you may not be able to go to that baby shower for a friend…that’s okay…because chances are the next one you will be just fine…don’t pressure yourself.
I said to you not long ago that your child will need the particular gifts of yourself that you develop during the wait. What strengths or insights do you see that you have developed?
This wait has changed me in many ways…..the most wonderful thing the wait has taught me has been the hardest lesson of all. Patience! This is not something I have ever had much of. I think this is the one lesson that God knew I needed to learn before raising a family. Now I don’t think I will be getting any awards for being the most patient person around or anything, but I certainly have learned to calm down a bit. I think this is really in invaluable lesson to have learned before bringing a child home.
I really believe I will be a much better mother after this wait is over. Not only will I not ever take anything for granted again, but the desire to be a mother and parent a child is even deeper than I ever thought possible. I know I wanted this when we started into this journey but now I have had almost 2 yrs to really think about it, pray about, and ponder it….I know this is something that the 2 of us truly want.
People who know you know that you have a very close, beautiful relationship with your mother. I imagine you hope to have the same kind of relationship with your child. What are your expectations of a relationship with your child's birth mother, both yours with her and your child's with her?
Yes my Mom and I are extremely close. Besides Terry, both my Mom and Dad are the closest people to me….we are so blessed both of us, with such wonderful families…all sides….the support is amazing. I don’t think that I can give an accurate answer to that question because you never know what your situation is going to look like. There are certainly people that come into your life that you would want to welcome into your family, and want them to be a huge part of your child’s life. However that may not necessarily be the case. I really think you have to take your situation and come up with a plan that is best suited for everyone involved. At the very least what I want is, if my child ever wants any information we will be able to get for them.
Do you have any misgivings about your decision to adopt?
At this point I don’t have any misgivings about our decision. We still feel very strongly, like I said earlier maybe even more so now than when we started this adoption journey. It has been a challenge thus far….it has many low points but we are sure that in the end it will all be so worth it!
Thanks, Michelle!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
This week - Prospective adoptive mother Michelle P. from Blogginstyle.
What is your name/title as you would like it to appear on my blog?
Michelle P. from Blogginstyle.
How has your life been touched by adoption?
I have to be honest in saying adoption was not something I gave much thought until it we were faced with infertility challenges. I had a good friend in elementary school who was adopted but it was not something that we ever discussed. At that time adoption were so hush hush….I know we discussed it at my family dinners when my curiosity peeked about the subject, but I was told not to speak of it with her.
Five years ago a good friend of mine was blessed with a little girl through adoption and then a little boy a few years later, so I certainly heard her story from start to finish. However in my naivety at that time I never thought it was something that would touch my life so deeply.
When Terry and I discovered that having biological children would not be an option for us, we of course were devastated, and spent time mourning this. We knew though, we still wanted to be parents. By this time we now had a few different couples in our lives that had been blessed with children through domestic adoption, so we had a few very positive experiences to hear about and learn from…..it didn’t take long to know that this was something that we definitely wanted to do. It has been wonderful to learn and gain insight from these couples…so we decided to start the process of domestic adoption.
We both have always tried to stay very realistic about where this could take us. It may work out but it may not. We truly want our prayers to be answered, but know that if that is not to be we will be okay…we love each other and are best friends…as long as we have each other our lives will be full.
Has your impression of adoption (in general) changed at all during the time you've been waiting to adopt? If so, in what ways and by what influence?
When I think back two years ago and reflect on my opinions and knowledge of adoption in general, I have to chuckle………NAÏVE…that is all I can say. From thinking that this would happen very quickly, to being so scared when our social worker even suggested ‘open adoption”. It is amazing how much I have learned in the past year and a half. Much of my new found knowledge has come from all the wonderful people I have met through my blog. As well all the great online sources.
The one thing that sticks out in my mind is how we felt about open adoption when we first started into this process. It was something that definitely made us nervous. However after chatting with a wonderful birthmother that I have come to know and hearing her story and listening to her and the joy she has when she gets to spend time with her son….I quickly came to realize just how important an open relationship can be for you as a family, for the woman that has given you this amazing gift and of course most importantly that special child.
I have found that the longer I live the more my perspective shifts as I encounter and incorporate new experiences with my own history and impressions. I have been surprised by how much the reality of being a parent, and an adoptive parent, differs from my expectations. What resources have you tapped into to prepare yourself for becoming an adoptive parent? What has been most helpful to you, either specific resources or specific advice?
I am always amazed as well, at how my thoughts and views change the older I get. I think I would have been a much different parent in my 20’s, not better or worse just very different. I doubt I would have been ready to truly be the best parent to an adopted child. I do believe that raising an adopted child is much different in some ways than raising a biological child. Like any prospective parent I have expectations and ideals that most likely will be blown out of the water once reality hits, but at this time I have surrounded myself with books, websites, and friends that are raising adopted families. I am taking their cues on how to handle different situations that arise.
What degree of openness do you hope to have with your child's birth parents? Why?
Well this is a very interesting question for me right now. Like I said earlier if you had asked me this question last year I might have replied by saying hopefully not much. However after a year of growth and knowledge I would love to have an open adoption. I do believe that if handled properly from the very beginning stages of an adopted child’s life the benefits of openness are astounding for adopted children. Unfortunately we are currently matched with a birthmother that is choosing no openness at all, she would like a completely closed adoption…which makes me sad, but we respect her wishes and know that she has some very good reasons why this adoption should continue to be closed. I have said to her many times that our door would always be open to her and her family if ever there is a time that they would like to have contact.
What has challenged you most during your wait? What has been your response?
The only way I can describe the waiting period for me would be the most intense rollercoaster ride. There are times when I have been fine, patient…realizing life is going to happen and there is not one thing you can change about it. Then there are the other times when I am a crazed mad woman that feels totally out of control and needs to take action. That for me is the hardest, the lack of control. Most of your waiting time is spent with no control over the situation…..
What I have done to keep myself occupied was tons of work, tons of fun with my husband, travel, redecorating…crafts, jewelry making…you name it I have done it.
If I can give any advice it would be, don’t beat yourself up at some point in your wait you will have a melt down or two….it is going to happen…you may not be able to go to that baby shower for a friend…that’s okay…because chances are the next one you will be just fine…don’t pressure yourself.
I said to you not long ago that your child will need the particular gifts of yourself that you develop during the wait. What strengths or insights do you see that you have developed?
This wait has changed me in many ways…..the most wonderful thing the wait has taught me has been the hardest lesson of all. Patience! This is not something I have ever had much of. I think this is the one lesson that God knew I needed to learn before raising a family. Now I don’t think I will be getting any awards for being the most patient person around or anything, but I certainly have learned to calm down a bit. I think this is really in invaluable lesson to have learned before bringing a child home.
I really believe I will be a much better mother after this wait is over. Not only will I not ever take anything for granted again, but the desire to be a mother and parent a child is even deeper than I ever thought possible. I know I wanted this when we started into this journey but now I have had almost 2 yrs to really think about it, pray about, and ponder it….I know this is something that the 2 of us truly want.
People who know you know that you have a very close, beautiful relationship with your mother. I imagine you hope to have the same kind of relationship with your child. What are your expectations of a relationship with your child's birth mother, both yours with her and your child's with her?
Yes my Mom and I are extremely close. Besides Terry, both my Mom and Dad are the closest people to me….we are so blessed both of us, with such wonderful families…all sides….the support is amazing. I don’t think that I can give an accurate answer to that question because you never know what your situation is going to look like. There are certainly people that come into your life that you would want to welcome into your family, and want them to be a huge part of your child’s life. However that may not necessarily be the case. I really think you have to take your situation and come up with a plan that is best suited for everyone involved. At the very least what I want is, if my child ever wants any information we will be able to get for them.
Do you have any misgivings about your decision to adopt?
At this point I don’t have any misgivings about our decision. We still feel very strongly, like I said earlier maybe even more so now than when we started this adoption journey. It has been a challenge thus far….it has many low points but we are sure that in the end it will all be so worth it!
Thanks, Michelle!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Monday, June 21, 2010
Summer Interview Series - Gregory Franklin
Welcome to week three of my Summer Interview Series. Each week I'll post an interview with someone touched by adoption. I hope that you will enjoy learning about them as much as I have. Please let me know if you would like to participate or would like to suggest someone else for me to interview.
This week - Adoptive parent and adoption attorney Gregory Franklin
What is your name/title as you'd like it to appear on my blog?
Gregory A. Franklin
Ashcraft Franklin Young & Peters, LLP
What are some of the adoption-related challenges you have faced as an adoptive parent, and what are some of the things you've done to overcome the challenges?
The biggest challenge was the realization that my son did not necessarily share my joy at being a parent! Adoptive parents need to remember that many adoptees experience feelings of loss, disruption and inadequacy, among other issues, and that we adoptive parents must be sensitive to the presence of those feelings.
What about being a parent has surprised you? What about being an adoptive parent has surprised you?
I don’t see many material differences in being an adoptive parent than being a non-adoptive parent. My biggest surprise was how all-consuming it is to be a parent - I could barely remember my life before I became a parent, and how inconsequential that life had been!
The socio-political tide seems to be turning against international adoption, with a variety of factions citing a variety of reasons. What are your thoughts about the current state of international adoption? How is it different than when you adopted your son? What do you think the future holds for international adoption?
I am saddened that those steering international adoption apparently believe that it is better to allow a child to fester in an orphanage than to be given the chance to thrive in an adoptive home. Between greed, bureaucratic barricades and homophobia, international adoption is a pale shadow of its former robust self, and I am saddened that this situation shown no sign of changing.
As an adoption attorney, you connect with a lot of newly adoptive parents. In general, how well-prepared are they for the experience of being adoptive parents? Do you notice any commonalities in terms of how they prepare themselves, their understanding of birth parents' experiences, and/or their views about openness in adoption?
I think that adoptive parents are least prepared to understand that their joy may not be shared by their child, and that any issues which their child may have are not a reflection on the adoptive parent or the parent’s parenting abilities. With respect to openness, I have certainly observed the trend towards greater openness in adoptions, and the fact that most pre-adoptive parents are more open to openness.
The media makes much of "adoptions gone wrong", which feeds misunderstanding about the legal permanence of the adoption bond. Would you comment on that (the legal permanence of adoption)?
There is one adoption thrust into the media spotlight for every 20,000 “silent”, successful adoptions. I just made up those numbers, but the media, and people in general, focus on the abnormal and notorious, as opposed to the uneventful adoptions which happen every day. The huge likelihood of success will not stop adoptive parents from being paranoid, but a finalized adoption in New York can never be challenged unless the adoptive parents themselves were part of the chicanery.
I hear different opinions about whether or not post-adoption agreements are legally binding. Opinion aside, would you clarify the facts?
Every state has its own laws, but the answer is clear. Post-adoption Contact Agreements (which have the awkward acronym PACAs”) are enforceable in New York agency adoptions, if the agreement is approved by a court. They are not fully enforceable in private adoptions, but a well-written agreement can clearly delineate the expectations of the parties, despite its limited enforceability.
I'm interested in your thoughts about the issue of access to original birth records. What do you think is the best way to balance a birth parent's expectation of privacy and an adoptee's desire for information about their beginning?
I’m not so sure that a birth parent necessarily has an expectation of privacy in this day and age. Most adoptions today have at least a degree of openness. The perception exists that birth parents in years past were told that the adoptions were completely closed and that they would not have to worry about contact, but that was presented as a fact, not as an option.
In my experience, there are few birth parents who do not welcome some degree of contact with their adult biological child. The bottom line for me is that a child is entitled to know who they are, where they came from and how their adoption came to be. Open records are a way to provide some answers to these questions if the adoption has not been open and the child unaware of these answers. Some adoptive parents feel threatened by their child having access to this information, but the balance should be tilted towards providing that information to the adoptee – adoptions are, after all, always supposed to be in the best interests of the child.
What resources do you suggest for adoptive parents and their adopted children?
While it may sound self-serving, I think that pre-adoptive parents should consult with an adoption attorney at the very beginning of the process. Neither the Internet nor an adoption agency will offer unbiased information and present the widest range of realistic options.
Thanks, Greg!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
This week - Adoptive parent and adoption attorney Gregory Franklin
What is your name/title as you'd like it to appear on my blog?
Gregory A. Franklin
Ashcraft Franklin Young & Peters, LLP
What are some of the adoption-related challenges you have faced as an adoptive parent, and what are some of the things you've done to overcome the challenges?
The biggest challenge was the realization that my son did not necessarily share my joy at being a parent! Adoptive parents need to remember that many adoptees experience feelings of loss, disruption and inadequacy, among other issues, and that we adoptive parents must be sensitive to the presence of those feelings.
What about being a parent has surprised you? What about being an adoptive parent has surprised you?
I don’t see many material differences in being an adoptive parent than being a non-adoptive parent. My biggest surprise was how all-consuming it is to be a parent - I could barely remember my life before I became a parent, and how inconsequential that life had been!
The socio-political tide seems to be turning against international adoption, with a variety of factions citing a variety of reasons. What are your thoughts about the current state of international adoption? How is it different than when you adopted your son? What do you think the future holds for international adoption?
I am saddened that those steering international adoption apparently believe that it is better to allow a child to fester in an orphanage than to be given the chance to thrive in an adoptive home. Between greed, bureaucratic barricades and homophobia, international adoption is a pale shadow of its former robust self, and I am saddened that this situation shown no sign of changing.
As an adoption attorney, you connect with a lot of newly adoptive parents. In general, how well-prepared are they for the experience of being adoptive parents? Do you notice any commonalities in terms of how they prepare themselves, their understanding of birth parents' experiences, and/or their views about openness in adoption?
I think that adoptive parents are least prepared to understand that their joy may not be shared by their child, and that any issues which their child may have are not a reflection on the adoptive parent or the parent’s parenting abilities. With respect to openness, I have certainly observed the trend towards greater openness in adoptions, and the fact that most pre-adoptive parents are more open to openness.
The media makes much of "adoptions gone wrong", which feeds misunderstanding about the legal permanence of the adoption bond. Would you comment on that (the legal permanence of adoption)?
There is one adoption thrust into the media spotlight for every 20,000 “silent”, successful adoptions. I just made up those numbers, but the media, and people in general, focus on the abnormal and notorious, as opposed to the uneventful adoptions which happen every day. The huge likelihood of success will not stop adoptive parents from being paranoid, but a finalized adoption in New York can never be challenged unless the adoptive parents themselves were part of the chicanery.
I hear different opinions about whether or not post-adoption agreements are legally binding. Opinion aside, would you clarify the facts?
Every state has its own laws, but the answer is clear. Post-adoption Contact Agreements (which have the awkward acronym PACAs”) are enforceable in New York agency adoptions, if the agreement is approved by a court. They are not fully enforceable in private adoptions, but a well-written agreement can clearly delineate the expectations of the parties, despite its limited enforceability.
I'm interested in your thoughts about the issue of access to original birth records. What do you think is the best way to balance a birth parent's expectation of privacy and an adoptee's desire for information about their beginning?
I’m not so sure that a birth parent necessarily has an expectation of privacy in this day and age. Most adoptions today have at least a degree of openness. The perception exists that birth parents in years past were told that the adoptions were completely closed and that they would not have to worry about contact, but that was presented as a fact, not as an option.
In my experience, there are few birth parents who do not welcome some degree of contact with their adult biological child. The bottom line for me is that a child is entitled to know who they are, where they came from and how their adoption came to be. Open records are a way to provide some answers to these questions if the adoption has not been open and the child unaware of these answers. Some adoptive parents feel threatened by their child having access to this information, but the balance should be tilted towards providing that information to the adoptee – adoptions are, after all, always supposed to be in the best interests of the child.
What resources do you suggest for adoptive parents and their adopted children?
While it may sound self-serving, I think that pre-adoptive parents should consult with an adoption attorney at the very beginning of the process. Neither the Internet nor an adoption agency will offer unbiased information and present the widest range of realistic options.
Thanks, Greg!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Special Offer on Best-Selling Adoption Book
My new e-book, An Adoptive Parent Primer, is scheduled for release on June 7th.
For the next 7 days I'm running a special pre-launch offer! Everyone who buys a copy of my adoption book What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective through the Catch a Rising Star boutique section of Barnes and Noble online will receive a copy of An Adoptive Parent Primer absolutely free! You will receive one free copy of An Adoptive Parent Primer for each copy of What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective you order through Barnes and Noble online. Just send me a copy of your B&N order, and I'll get your e-books out to you!
If you know anyone who was adopted, has adopted, is hoping to adopt, or placed a child for adoption, online ordering through Catch a Rising Star makes it easy to give them this special gift.
This offer ends at midnight Eastern time May 31, 2010.
Thanks for your support, and make a great day!
Click here to purchase signed copies of Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
For the next 7 days I'm running a special pre-launch offer! Everyone who buys a copy of my adoption book What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective through the Catch a Rising Star boutique section of Barnes and Noble online will receive a copy of An Adoptive Parent Primer absolutely free! You will receive one free copy of An Adoptive Parent Primer for each copy of What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective you order through Barnes and Noble online. Just send me a copy of your B&N order, and I'll get your e-books out to you!
If you know anyone who was adopted, has adopted, is hoping to adopt, or placed a child for adoption, online ordering through Catch a Rising Star makes it easy to give them this special gift.
This offer ends at midnight Eastern time May 31, 2010.
Thanks for your support, and make a great day!
Click here to purchase signed copies of Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Adoption is Simply a Way
Adoptive Momma of Two (AM2) posted a blog the other day called "What's the Alternative?" I began to post a reply, but my reply ran on, so I decided to post it here instead.
Here is an excerpt of her post.
I can feel the heat coming from this one already. I have no doubt the lurkers and anti adoption commenters will come out after what I am about to write. However, they are the persons who have inspired this post as I have been receiving my share of anti adoption emails lately. In the emails I am generally bombarded with hate and told my children will live a lifetime of suffering because of my acts as an adoptive parent. I am asked questions about how will I deal with issues my children (in their view) will undoubtedly face and (again in their view) the emotional turmoil and conflict they will encounter.
As a general rule, I ignore these emails and comments. I know my position on adoption and I do not feel a need to defend it. I am however curious, what's the alternative?
Here are some of the most common solutions offered by anti adoption movers.
Family preservation...
Government and community assistance...
Orphanages...
Abortion...
AM2 goes into more detail about each of the alternatives listed above, and I encourage you to read her thoughtful post. The comments AM2 received show that some people agree with her and others don't. No big surprise there.
This is my response to her post:
Thanks for writing this. The reality is that adoption is rooted in loss and there are losses rooted in adoption. Adoption, like any other parenting/family issue is not itself "good", "bad", "inadequate", "dangerous", or "a gift". Adoption itself is simply a way.
Adoption is a way of forming a family, a way of moving on, a way of changing relationships, a way of preserving oneself, a way of making it different... it's just a way. The power to hurt or heal isn't in adoption. It's in HOW we are as adopters, adoptees, and birth families.
It's in how we partner,
how we honor our children and their history,
how we honor our children and their present,
how we stretch ourselves to meet our kids where they are and help them hold their history intact,
how we tend their roots both past and present,
how we celebrate them for who they are, not for who we dreamed they might be,
how we uphold our promises,
how we give, and love, and accept without expectation.
Adoption itself is an event or a process. It's a beginning or an end. It's a choice among many. But it's not a snarling, pouncing, clawing, merciless beast. Nor is it a chaste, haloed, sublime, transcendent divinity. Yes, people are hurt by adoption, and yes, people are healed by adoption. But it's HOW we do adoption that makes the difference in our lives. Which makes adoption fundamentally no different than any other thing that changes who we are.
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Here is an excerpt of her post.
I can feel the heat coming from this one already. I have no doubt the lurkers and anti adoption commenters will come out after what I am about to write. However, they are the persons who have inspired this post as I have been receiving my share of anti adoption emails lately. In the emails I am generally bombarded with hate and told my children will live a lifetime of suffering because of my acts as an adoptive parent. I am asked questions about how will I deal with issues my children (in their view) will undoubtedly face and (again in their view) the emotional turmoil and conflict they will encounter.
As a general rule, I ignore these emails and comments. I know my position on adoption and I do not feel a need to defend it. I am however curious, what's the alternative?
Here are some of the most common solutions offered by anti adoption movers.
Family preservation...
Government and community assistance...
Orphanages...
Abortion...
AM2 goes into more detail about each of the alternatives listed above, and I encourage you to read her thoughtful post. The comments AM2 received show that some people agree with her and others don't. No big surprise there.
This is my response to her post:
Thanks for writing this. The reality is that adoption is rooted in loss and there are losses rooted in adoption. Adoption, like any other parenting/family issue is not itself "good", "bad", "inadequate", "dangerous", or "a gift". Adoption itself is simply a way.
Adoption is a way of forming a family, a way of moving on, a way of changing relationships, a way of preserving oneself, a way of making it different... it's just a way. The power to hurt or heal isn't in adoption. It's in HOW we are as adopters, adoptees, and birth families.
It's in how we partner,
how we honor our children and their history,
how we honor our children and their present,
how we stretch ourselves to meet our kids where they are and help them hold their history intact,
how we tend their roots both past and present,
how we celebrate them for who they are, not for who we dreamed they might be,
how we uphold our promises,
how we give, and love, and accept without expectation.
Adoption itself is an event or a process. It's a beginning or an end. It's a choice among many. But it's not a snarling, pouncing, clawing, merciless beast. Nor is it a chaste, haloed, sublime, transcendent divinity. Yes, people are hurt by adoption, and yes, people are healed by adoption. But it's HOW we do adoption that makes the difference in our lives. Which makes adoption fundamentally no different than any other thing that changes who we are.
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Monday, April 26, 2010
Birth Parents: The Hidden Treasure of Adoption
As many of you know, I recently had the distinct pleasure of delivering the keynote address at Parenthood for Me's first annual Family Building Dinner and Silent Auction.
I began my speech by reading 'Moonlight Sonata', a piece I wrote about my kid's birth mothers late one night. That piece is currently under consideration for inclusion in a book, so I can't share it here, but here is the rest of what I said:
My husband and I have adopted twice, and through my work and personal life I've gotten to know many, many birth mothers and some birth fathers. And yet, standing here tonight, I have to admit... I don't understand birth parents.
Honestly, I don't understand making that decision.
I don't understand when birth mothers say they chose adoption out of love for their child.
You chose to walk out of your child's life because you love them?
Tell me you took on two jobs to make ends meet,
tell me you moved back in with your parents,
tell me you signed up for Medicaid and food stamps,
tell me you dropped out of school to work,
tell me you left your kids with your sister for three months so you could get a solid start in rehab,
tell me you made those kinds of sacrifices because you love your child, and that, I'll believe.
But choosing to walk away because you love them so much you'd rather spend the rest of your life without them? It doesn't make any sense.
And yet, I do believe that birth parents love their children,
and I do believe they choose adoption because they want something better for them.
I know that birth parents suffer greatly from their adoption decision, and many never completely heal.
Many never get over the grief and doubt and regret that so often accompany significant loss.
My point is that I believe birth parents love their children,
but I don't believe that's why they choose adoption.
I believe that birth parents choose adoption because it makes the most sense at the time.
I believe that when the initial panic and denial fade, and the fairy tale dissolves, birth parents get real.
Birth mothers in particular get very real, very fast.
They have to.
Every hour that passes brings them closer to the physical reality of their situation.
Every day the baby inside is growing, becoming, needing, demanding more... and more... and more.
More than its first mother can provide (maybe).
More than it first father can provide (maybe).
So they make the best decision available to them.
They choose as well as they can.
And that is what we do for people we love, isn't it?
We choose as well as we can on their behalf.
I believe that birth parents choose adoption not because they love their children, but in spite of how much they love their children.
And that, to me, is the ultimate sacrifice a parent can make.
Placing your child for adoption isn't just a matter of putting the child's needs before your own.
It is a matter of putting your child's needs in place of your own.
Choosing adoption means choosing to meet your child's needs instead of your own.
I know many adoptive parents who are fearful of their children's birth parents, or feel threatened by them, or flat-out don't like them.
That's really sad.
That's a disservice to a child you love.
My husband and I never considered a closed adoption.
Our children's biological families are theirs.
Their origins are theirs.
Their birth parents are among the most important people in my kids' lives, because it's they who chose this life for my children.
Knowing their birth families is knowing part of themselves.
I could never be at peace without contact with my kids' birth families.
I needed to meet their birth mothers,
I needed to hold their hands and look in their eyes and ask them why they chose adoption.
I needed to tell them that it's OK to change their minds,
that it doesn't matter what anyone's expectations are,
it doesn't matter what papers are waiting to be signed,
it doesn't matter how much we want children... this is your baby and you are the mother, and no one else know what's in your heart or head, and if you decide to raise the baby yourself, then that's the right choice.
Because I had those opportunities, I can love my children freely.
I can love without guilt or insecurity about their birth families.
I can give them continuity and inclusion, rather than disconnection and separation.
Children who were adopted need a lot of things.
They need to know they are loved.
They need to know their family is permanent.
They need to know they are living exactly the life they are supposed to be living.
They need to know they are accountable for their decisions.
They need to know why they were adopted.
And they need to be allowed to grow up without illusions about adoption or their birth parents.
The only way to accomplish all of that is for adoptive parents to open themselves to the treasure of birth parents.
If you are an adoptive parent or someone considering adoption, please, for the sake of your children, talk to birth parents.
Browse around birth mother forums and blogs, and spend the most time with the opinions that trouble you most.
Patti is a birth mother who read my book. I'd like to share part of her reaction with you:
"Some parts are hard to read, I'll be honest. I've even had a few knee-jerk reactions that have left me feeling defensive. I'm far enough into my birth motherhood, though, to look for the truth in those moments. And it is always there. One thing I hate about adoption in general is that each member of the triad is constantly challenged, and obligated, to accept and learn from the parts that are yucky. There are always more vegetables to eat."
I agree with Patti that all members of the adoption triad have an obligation to learn from each other, especially the things that are difficult to learn.
But I have found that by truly embracing our children's birth parents - and celebrating them for who and what they are - I have fallen in love with eating vegetables.
Thank you for listening.
***************************
I know that many birth parents don't choose adoption at all. It is thrust upon them by people who wield power in their lives, and it is a tragic injustice. Like anyone who speaks or writes about adoption, my words are rooted in my own experience. They represent a small space on the spectrum of adoption experience.
Sally
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
I began my speech by reading 'Moonlight Sonata', a piece I wrote about my kid's birth mothers late one night. That piece is currently under consideration for inclusion in a book, so I can't share it here, but here is the rest of what I said:
My husband and I have adopted twice, and through my work and personal life I've gotten to know many, many birth mothers and some birth fathers. And yet, standing here tonight, I have to admit... I don't understand birth parents.
Honestly, I don't understand making that decision.
I don't understand when birth mothers say they chose adoption out of love for their child.
You chose to walk out of your child's life because you love them?
Tell me you took on two jobs to make ends meet,
tell me you moved back in with your parents,
tell me you signed up for Medicaid and food stamps,
tell me you dropped out of school to work,
tell me you left your kids with your sister for three months so you could get a solid start in rehab,
tell me you made those kinds of sacrifices because you love your child, and that, I'll believe.
But choosing to walk away because you love them so much you'd rather spend the rest of your life without them? It doesn't make any sense.
And yet, I do believe that birth parents love their children,
and I do believe they choose adoption because they want something better for them.
I know that birth parents suffer greatly from their adoption decision, and many never completely heal.
Many never get over the grief and doubt and regret that so often accompany significant loss.
My point is that I believe birth parents love their children,
but I don't believe that's why they choose adoption.
I believe that birth parents choose adoption because it makes the most sense at the time.
I believe that when the initial panic and denial fade, and the fairy tale dissolves, birth parents get real.
Birth mothers in particular get very real, very fast.
They have to.
Every hour that passes brings them closer to the physical reality of their situation.
Every day the baby inside is growing, becoming, needing, demanding more... and more... and more.
More than its first mother can provide (maybe).
More than it first father can provide (maybe).
So they make the best decision available to them.
They choose as well as they can.
And that is what we do for people we love, isn't it?
We choose as well as we can on their behalf.
I believe that birth parents choose adoption not because they love their children, but in spite of how much they love their children.
And that, to me, is the ultimate sacrifice a parent can make.
Placing your child for adoption isn't just a matter of putting the child's needs before your own.
It is a matter of putting your child's needs in place of your own.
Choosing adoption means choosing to meet your child's needs instead of your own.
I know many adoptive parents who are fearful of their children's birth parents, or feel threatened by them, or flat-out don't like them.
That's really sad.
That's a disservice to a child you love.
My husband and I never considered a closed adoption.
Our children's biological families are theirs.
Their origins are theirs.
Their birth parents are among the most important people in my kids' lives, because it's they who chose this life for my children.
Knowing their birth families is knowing part of themselves.
I could never be at peace without contact with my kids' birth families.
I needed to meet their birth mothers,
I needed to hold their hands and look in their eyes and ask them why they chose adoption.
I needed to tell them that it's OK to change their minds,
that it doesn't matter what anyone's expectations are,
it doesn't matter what papers are waiting to be signed,
it doesn't matter how much we want children... this is your baby and you are the mother, and no one else know what's in your heart or head, and if you decide to raise the baby yourself, then that's the right choice.
Because I had those opportunities, I can love my children freely.
I can love without guilt or insecurity about their birth families.
I can give them continuity and inclusion, rather than disconnection and separation.
Children who were adopted need a lot of things.
They need to know they are loved.
They need to know their family is permanent.
They need to know they are living exactly the life they are supposed to be living.
They need to know they are accountable for their decisions.
They need to know why they were adopted.
And they need to be allowed to grow up without illusions about adoption or their birth parents.
The only way to accomplish all of that is for adoptive parents to open themselves to the treasure of birth parents.
If you are an adoptive parent or someone considering adoption, please, for the sake of your children, talk to birth parents.
Browse around birth mother forums and blogs, and spend the most time with the opinions that trouble you most.
Patti is a birth mother who read my book. I'd like to share part of her reaction with you:
"Some parts are hard to read, I'll be honest. I've even had a few knee-jerk reactions that have left me feeling defensive. I'm far enough into my birth motherhood, though, to look for the truth in those moments. And it is always there. One thing I hate about adoption in general is that each member of the triad is constantly challenged, and obligated, to accept and learn from the parts that are yucky. There are always more vegetables to eat."
I agree with Patti that all members of the adoption triad have an obligation to learn from each other, especially the things that are difficult to learn.
But I have found that by truly embracing our children's birth parents - and celebrating them for who and what they are - I have fallen in love with eating vegetables.
Thank you for listening.
***************************
I know that many birth parents don't choose adoption at all. It is thrust upon them by people who wield power in their lives, and it is a tragic injustice. Like anyone who speaks or writes about adoption, my words are rooted in my own experience. They represent a small space on the spectrum of adoption experience.
Sally
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Two Thoughts Post-interview on the Savelyev/Hansen Adoption Case
Yesterday I was interviewed by Mary Beth Wells for her radio show Adoption - Journey to Motherhood. If you missed the show you can hear it at Adoption - Journey to Motherhood.
I first want to thank Mary Beth for hosting me on her show. She invests a lot of herself to provide an open forum for adoption-related issues, and I encourage you to follow her show.
Now for my two thoughts:
1. Can we all stop referring to Artyom as "the little Russian boy"? I've seen his name spelled a few different ways, and I'm not sure which is correct (including my spelling). Regardless, it's his name. He is a person and he has a name. Phoebe Prince. Kate Gosselin. Carrie Underwood. Artyom Savelyev. It's not too much to ask.
2. Let's get honest. Please. Too much adoption dialogue is careful (nice word) or dishonest (not so nice word). I hear from a lot of people who agree there is work to be done within the adoption community. I believe that work begins with each of us having the confidence to speak honestly about our experiences and LISTEN non-defensively to other people's experiences.
Honestly, I'm not every other adoptive parent you've ever met. I'm not any other adoptive parent you've ever met. Can we all reserve our conflicted feelings for the people and situations that are relevant, and hold our fire for the people who simply have a similar label? Birth parents and adoptive parents and adult adoptees insulting and ganging up on each other online... we're killing a lot of flies with sledgehammers here, folks, and it does nothing to move any of the issues forward.
As always, thanks for reading.
Sally
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
I first want to thank Mary Beth for hosting me on her show. She invests a lot of herself to provide an open forum for adoption-related issues, and I encourage you to follow her show.
Now for my two thoughts:
1. Can we all stop referring to Artyom as "the little Russian boy"? I've seen his name spelled a few different ways, and I'm not sure which is correct (including my spelling). Regardless, it's his name. He is a person and he has a name. Phoebe Prince. Kate Gosselin. Carrie Underwood. Artyom Savelyev. It's not too much to ask.
2. Let's get honest. Please. Too much adoption dialogue is careful (nice word) or dishonest (not so nice word). I hear from a lot of people who agree there is work to be done within the adoption community. I believe that work begins with each of us having the confidence to speak honestly about our experiences and LISTEN non-defensively to other people's experiences.
Honestly, I'm not every other adoptive parent you've ever met. I'm not any other adoptive parent you've ever met. Can we all reserve our conflicted feelings for the people and situations that are relevant, and hold our fire for the people who simply have a similar label? Birth parents and adoptive parents and adult adoptees insulting and ganging up on each other online... we're killing a lot of flies with sledgehammers here, folks, and it does nothing to move any of the issues forward.
As always, thanks for reading.
Sally
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Open & Shut
To spend any time in the adoption cyber-community is to be convinced that birth parents (almost) always want more openness than adoptive parents. The staggering majority of blogging birth mothers and birth fathers are eager, sometimes desperate, for more contact, and they’re simply waiting, impatiently waiting, painfully waiting for invitation from the adoptive parents.
Many of the most vocal adoptees are in constant craving for a deeper connection with their first families.
I can relate. Most days I want more from my children’s birth families. Most days I want information, details, history, stories, updates, contact. I want responses to my emails. I want pictures of you. I want continuity that I don't have, that my kids don't have, that only you can provide.
Most days I'm uncertain. Have I asked for too much? Have I asked too soon? Have I gone too far, crossed a line, rattled a cage, cut a tightrope, popped a bubble? Did I step on a crack?
What happens next? And when is next? Is it now? Why not now?
Is that it?
Was it something I said?
Are you coming back?
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Many of the most vocal adoptees are in constant craving for a deeper connection with their first families.
I can relate. Most days I want more from my children’s birth families. Most days I want information, details, history, stories, updates, contact. I want responses to my emails. I want pictures of you. I want continuity that I don't have, that my kids don't have, that only you can provide.
Most days I'm uncertain. Have I asked for too much? Have I asked too soon? Have I gone too far, crossed a line, rattled a cage, cut a tightrope, popped a bubble? Did I step on a crack?
What happens next? And when is next? Is it now? Why not now?
Is that it?
Was it something I said?
Are you coming back?
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Calling All Adoption Book Authors
I receive several donation requests each week, and most of the requests are for an adoption book to raffle or auction off for a family or agency fundraiser. Obviously my book reflects my perspective as an adoptive parent, and I often think it would be nice to be able to donate a small collection of books that speak to the variety of needs and interests in the adoption community. Children's books, books written by birth mothers, books written by adoptees, by ?, etc.
So I'm inviting any adoption authors who are interested in collaborating to contact me through my email, info@theadoptiveparent.com. I'd like to know the title(s) of your book(s), your target reader, your experience with adoption, how many books you have available for donation, and any parameters you have on who receives them.
Make a great day!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting
So I'm inviting any adoption authors who are interested in collaborating to contact me through my email, info@theadoptiveparent.com. I'd like to know the title(s) of your book(s), your target reader, your experience with adoption, how many books you have available for donation, and any parameters you have on who receives them.
Make a great day!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Adoption Book Giveaway
Congratulations to... well, I can't say yet. I'm waiting for "winner's consent" before I post the winner of my adoption book giveaway with a link to her blog.
As soon as she gives me the green light I'll post it here. Sneak peek... from what I can tell from her blog, she's a doll. :)
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting
As soon as she gives me the green light I'll post it here. Sneak peek... from what I can tell from her blog, she's a doll. :)
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Monday, March 22, 2010
Open Adoption Bloggers: Interview With Desiree
I assumed I would enjoy the Open Adoption Bloggers Interview Project, and I have. I didn't expect to sow a new friendship, but I've done that too. It's been my great pleasure to interview Desiree of The Mommy Journals. Desiree is an adoptive mom to one daughter, "Sassy", age two. She describes her open adoption this way: "We're in an open adoption in that we have direct contact, know last names/addresses/phone #s/etc., schedule our own visits without the involvement of the agency, and email/text semi-regularly, etc."
Although we've never met in person, I think I'd be able to pick Desiree out of a crowd. She has a warmth and honesty and lightness I think my heart would recognize. Besides, she's so artsy-crafty that I bet she'd make adorable matching name tags for herself and her daughter :)
Enough about what I think of Desiree. You can meet her yourself right here:
Q. Where and why do you blog?
A. I write at The Mommy Journals, though I've had two previous adoption-related blogs. I wanted somewhere I could write about adoption along side of my "normal" daily life as a mom... so you'll find infertility, adoption, and ethics posts intertwined with posts about poop and picking raisins out of my daughter's nose. :) I also recently started Too Busy for TV, which is used to chronicle little crafts and other activities I do with my daughter, and hopefully inspire others with some new ideas!
Q. What advice would you give prospective adoptive parents about how to prepare themselves for adoption?
A. The best thing I did in preparing myself for the non-advertised side of adoption was to listen to the others' stories, especially the ugly ones. The ones that don't necessarily paint a rosy picture of adoption, but that tell it like it really is. That it is HARD. That it is SAD. And not just from the perspective of "waiting gets hard," but that the actual placement was much more difficult than what I'd expected it to be.
I think the most important thing is to just keep an open mind and know that it's okay if you come out on the other side a completely changed person from before. There were plenty of thoughts and ideals that I held at the beginning of our process, and as it turned out, I discovered I was wrong about a lot of things.:) I'm a totally different adoptive parent than I would have predicted at the beginning of the process. I hope I never lose that sense of wanting to learn and grow more, to be stretched in my thinking. Being on the post-placement side doesn't mean you cease to learn new things.
Q. Has anything about adoption surprised you or turned out differently than you expected?
A. There have been lots of things I wasn't prepared for until it happened... and still was left feeling inadequate. The one glaring example I keep coming back to is placement day. I'd read the books, heard the stories, met friends who'd been through it (on both sides), but I don't think anything could have fully prepared me for the sheer weight of emotion I felt that day and immediately after. I didn't expect to feel so alone and hopeless in the beginning. I didn't expect to cry for weeks on end. I didn't expect to be kept awake at night, worried about my daughter's other mother. I didn't expect to so deeply crave contact, in any form, from her.
In the fog surrounding the aftermath of Sassy's placement, I couldn't see ahead to a time when life would be normal again. How could it ever be? It was much like losing a beloved family member, in that it's the darkest imaginable possibility, unfolding before your eyes. I'm not ashamed to say that, among other things, I believe post-adoption depression came into play. I loved my tiny new daughter... but I wasn't in love with her yet. The healing process, and subsequently, the bonding experience took time. There was some outside pressure that tried to force it, but attachment had to happen on its own. Somewhere in my heart, I knew I would get there eventually. My husband was such a huge encourager to me through this. He knew the kind of mother I would be, even if I didn't yet.
Twenty-seven months later, Sassy and I couldn't be any more bonded than we are. She's glued to my hip from sun-up to sun-down (and sometimes after!), and I'm more amazed by her each day. The beginning was rough, but neither of us are worse for the wear.
Q. How did you come to choose open adoption over closed or international?
A. My husband and I chose domestic adoption over international fairly easily. We just couldn't quite swing the expense and travel requirements that generally accompanies international adoptions. We also didn't meet some criteria from a number of countries (for example, age), so this part was a no-brainer. I have a very clear memory from the initial days of reading and researching adoption, and saying to my husband "I can't see ever choosing open adoption. That's when you're basically co-parenting." Needless to say, I've come a long way in a few years! :)
When we actually learned what different levels of openness can entail, a lot of myths were dispelled for us. At the recommendation of the agency we used, we started out pursuing a "semi-open" adoption... and this is technically what Sassy's adoption is on paper. In practice, we run the gamut, from zero contact for months on end, to emailing, texting, visiting, and even chatting on the phone for an hour on a random evening (as happened recently).
The turning point, I think, came with the recognition that this was a woman who was entrusting us with her flesh and blood... and we couldn't entrust her with our last name and phone number? I do understand there are some circumstances that open is not the "best" option, but for Sassy's adoption, it has been. I can't thank God enough for allowing FirstMom to be a part of our family's life. I know the day will inevitably come when my child has questions that I cannot answer, but the door of communication will be open, and she'll have the opportunity for her own choices. What an empowering gift we can give our precious girl!
Q. What is your relationship with Sassy's birth father?
A. In a word? Complicated. BioDad was not involved in FirstMom's pregnancy beyond conception. He was not at the hospital when she was born. His name is not even on her original birth certificate, and it was FirstMom's last name she took upon birth. There have been many hurtful exchanges between them, and we've been caught more than once in the game of "He Said, She Said." It's hard not to automatically side with the person you know and love, but as Sassy's parents, we feel it's so vitally important to remain as neutral as possible. What has been done (or not done) cannot be changed, and nothing erases the fact that he is half of my child's heritage.
We didn't have a picture or even a name for months after Sassy was born. One day out of the blue, FirstMom decided to entrust us this information to us. I was so excited to have just one picture of him to save for my daughter. She would be able to see their matching deep blue eyes someday, even if he was never a part of her life. The months continued to pass. When Sassy was not quite one, we very suddenly found ourselves in the scariest adoption-related experience we've had to date. It became apparent that security was going to be an issue where BioDad was concerned. We knew the adoption was final, and we knew we had done nothing wrong or unethical... but it was still alarming. We had enough cause for concern that we put some distance between our family and BioDad, and eventually the issues blew over.
More than a year later, while visiting FirstMom, we had another unexpected turn of events. BioDad stopped by to meet his daughter (and her parents) for the first time. Sassy was nearly two years old by this point. I couldn't help but think of how much he'd missed out on already. We were a bundle of nerves, but at least I could say that I didn't have time to be worried in advance. All of a sudden, he was just there... so we had to go with it! The brief visit was cordial. There were a lot of nervous smiles and laughs from everyone, all of us staring at the same awkward elephant in the room. He was kind and respectful. He showed interest for the first time in moving forward together. He rattled off a few pieces of information he wanted us to know. I could kick myself now for not grabbing a pencil and paper and doing a full-on interview, but I believed that he would follow through in taking the next steps toward contact. He hasn't. He called to wish Sassy a happy birthday the following week, and hasn't been heard from since. All we can do is hope and pray that he eventually does reach out, in an appropriate manner. I wish I could give my daughter that gift, but it's solely in his hands.
Q. What about adoption is challenging to you?
A. Balance. Balance in everything. Positive vs. negative aspects of adoption. Realistic expectations vs. hopes and dreams for the future. Super open vs. hiding away for a while. Honest and direct answers vs. shielding your child from pain. The joy having a child brings vs. the pain of taking someone else's away. Telling people she's adopted vs. keeping information private. Genuine care and concern for your child's biological family vs. doing what you need to do in order to be the kind of parent your child needs. Talking about adoption regularly vs. just being a "normal" family. It's all a delicate balancing act with the most important person to me in a precarious position.
Q. What are your favorite books to read with your daughter?
A. I love books. I've loved books all my life. There are so many great stories that I can't wait to share with my daughter... but right now, she's two. :) So... we're all about the "Little Critter" series lately. "Curious George" anything is most assuredly a favorite. Dr. Seuss books always out. "Imogene's Antlers," "A Book of Hugs," "Click, Clack, Moo," "Growing Vegetable Soup," and "The Wind Blew" are all books I've read to her in the last 24 hours. We do a lot of reading here. :)
Q. How do you "unplug" when life gets too crazy?
A. If I've had a particularly challenging day at home, I'll hop in the car in the evening and run down to Dunkin' Donuts or Starbucks for a caramel iced coffee or white chocolate peppermint mocha. I love lounging around the house with my husband after Sassy goes to bed. We'll sit on the couch and watch a funny show (The Office is my favorite!), or lay in bed for a while before going to sleep... I read and my husband sits with his laptop. I've also been known to escape to a local craft store for an hour or so, and come home armed with supplies for a little DIY-stress relief. :) I've found these things are better than locking yourself in a closet in the fetal position. You tend to get some weird looks doing that.
Thank you, Desiree, for inviting me into your life. You've changed me by your presence, and I'm looking forward to growing our new friendshp.
Thanks, also, to Heather at Production not Reproduction for conceiving of this project and making it happen!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Although we've never met in person, I think I'd be able to pick Desiree out of a crowd. She has a warmth and honesty and lightness I think my heart would recognize. Besides, she's so artsy-crafty that I bet she'd make adorable matching name tags for herself and her daughter :)
Enough about what I think of Desiree. You can meet her yourself right here:
Q. Where and why do you blog?
A. I write at The Mommy Journals, though I've had two previous adoption-related blogs. I wanted somewhere I could write about adoption along side of my "normal" daily life as a mom... so you'll find infertility, adoption, and ethics posts intertwined with posts about poop and picking raisins out of my daughter's nose. :) I also recently started Too Busy for TV, which is used to chronicle little crafts and other activities I do with my daughter, and hopefully inspire others with some new ideas!
Q. What advice would you give prospective adoptive parents about how to prepare themselves for adoption?
A. The best thing I did in preparing myself for the non-advertised side of adoption was to listen to the others' stories, especially the ugly ones. The ones that don't necessarily paint a rosy picture of adoption, but that tell it like it really is. That it is HARD. That it is SAD. And not just from the perspective of "waiting gets hard," but that the actual placement was much more difficult than what I'd expected it to be.
I think the most important thing is to just keep an open mind and know that it's okay if you come out on the other side a completely changed person from before. There were plenty of thoughts and ideals that I held at the beginning of our process, and as it turned out, I discovered I was wrong about a lot of things.:) I'm a totally different adoptive parent than I would have predicted at the beginning of the process. I hope I never lose that sense of wanting to learn and grow more, to be stretched in my thinking. Being on the post-placement side doesn't mean you cease to learn new things.
Q. Has anything about adoption surprised you or turned out differently than you expected?
A. There have been lots of things I wasn't prepared for until it happened... and still was left feeling inadequate. The one glaring example I keep coming back to is placement day. I'd read the books, heard the stories, met friends who'd been through it (on both sides), but I don't think anything could have fully prepared me for the sheer weight of emotion I felt that day and immediately after. I didn't expect to feel so alone and hopeless in the beginning. I didn't expect to cry for weeks on end. I didn't expect to be kept awake at night, worried about my daughter's other mother. I didn't expect to so deeply crave contact, in any form, from her.
In the fog surrounding the aftermath of Sassy's placement, I couldn't see ahead to a time when life would be normal again. How could it ever be? It was much like losing a beloved family member, in that it's the darkest imaginable possibility, unfolding before your eyes. I'm not ashamed to say that, among other things, I believe post-adoption depression came into play. I loved my tiny new daughter... but I wasn't in love with her yet. The healing process, and subsequently, the bonding experience took time. There was some outside pressure that tried to force it, but attachment had to happen on its own. Somewhere in my heart, I knew I would get there eventually. My husband was such a huge encourager to me through this. He knew the kind of mother I would be, even if I didn't yet.
Twenty-seven months later, Sassy and I couldn't be any more bonded than we are. She's glued to my hip from sun-up to sun-down (and sometimes after!), and I'm more amazed by her each day. The beginning was rough, but neither of us are worse for the wear.
Q. How did you come to choose open adoption over closed or international?
A. My husband and I chose domestic adoption over international fairly easily. We just couldn't quite swing the expense and travel requirements that generally accompanies international adoptions. We also didn't meet some criteria from a number of countries (for example, age), so this part was a no-brainer. I have a very clear memory from the initial days of reading and researching adoption, and saying to my husband "I can't see ever choosing open adoption. That's when you're basically co-parenting." Needless to say, I've come a long way in a few years! :)
When we actually learned what different levels of openness can entail, a lot of myths were dispelled for us. At the recommendation of the agency we used, we started out pursuing a "semi-open" adoption... and this is technically what Sassy's adoption is on paper. In practice, we run the gamut, from zero contact for months on end, to emailing, texting, visiting, and even chatting on the phone for an hour on a random evening (as happened recently).
The turning point, I think, came with the recognition that this was a woman who was entrusting us with her flesh and blood... and we couldn't entrust her with our last name and phone number? I do understand there are some circumstances that open is not the "best" option, but for Sassy's adoption, it has been. I can't thank God enough for allowing FirstMom to be a part of our family's life. I know the day will inevitably come when my child has questions that I cannot answer, but the door of communication will be open, and she'll have the opportunity for her own choices. What an empowering gift we can give our precious girl!
Q. What is your relationship with Sassy's birth father?
A. In a word? Complicated. BioDad was not involved in FirstMom's pregnancy beyond conception. He was not at the hospital when she was born. His name is not even on her original birth certificate, and it was FirstMom's last name she took upon birth. There have been many hurtful exchanges between them, and we've been caught more than once in the game of "He Said, She Said." It's hard not to automatically side with the person you know and love, but as Sassy's parents, we feel it's so vitally important to remain as neutral as possible. What has been done (or not done) cannot be changed, and nothing erases the fact that he is half of my child's heritage.
We didn't have a picture or even a name for months after Sassy was born. One day out of the blue, FirstMom decided to entrust us this information to us. I was so excited to have just one picture of him to save for my daughter. She would be able to see their matching deep blue eyes someday, even if he was never a part of her life. The months continued to pass. When Sassy was not quite one, we very suddenly found ourselves in the scariest adoption-related experience we've had to date. It became apparent that security was going to be an issue where BioDad was concerned. We knew the adoption was final, and we knew we had done nothing wrong or unethical... but it was still alarming. We had enough cause for concern that we put some distance between our family and BioDad, and eventually the issues blew over.
More than a year later, while visiting FirstMom, we had another unexpected turn of events. BioDad stopped by to meet his daughter (and her parents) for the first time. Sassy was nearly two years old by this point. I couldn't help but think of how much he'd missed out on already. We were a bundle of nerves, but at least I could say that I didn't have time to be worried in advance. All of a sudden, he was just there... so we had to go with it! The brief visit was cordial. There were a lot of nervous smiles and laughs from everyone, all of us staring at the same awkward elephant in the room. He was kind and respectful. He showed interest for the first time in moving forward together. He rattled off a few pieces of information he wanted us to know. I could kick myself now for not grabbing a pencil and paper and doing a full-on interview, but I believed that he would follow through in taking the next steps toward contact. He hasn't. He called to wish Sassy a happy birthday the following week, and hasn't been heard from since. All we can do is hope and pray that he eventually does reach out, in an appropriate manner. I wish I could give my daughter that gift, but it's solely in his hands.
Q. What about adoption is challenging to you?
A. Balance. Balance in everything. Positive vs. negative aspects of adoption. Realistic expectations vs. hopes and dreams for the future. Super open vs. hiding away for a while. Honest and direct answers vs. shielding your child from pain. The joy having a child brings vs. the pain of taking someone else's away. Telling people she's adopted vs. keeping information private. Genuine care and concern for your child's biological family vs. doing what you need to do in order to be the kind of parent your child needs. Talking about adoption regularly vs. just being a "normal" family. It's all a delicate balancing act with the most important person to me in a precarious position.
Q. What are your favorite books to read with your daughter?
A. I love books. I've loved books all my life. There are so many great stories that I can't wait to share with my daughter... but right now, she's two. :) So... we're all about the "Little Critter" series lately. "Curious George" anything is most assuredly a favorite. Dr. Seuss books always out. "Imogene's Antlers," "A Book of Hugs," "Click, Clack, Moo," "Growing Vegetable Soup," and "The Wind Blew" are all books I've read to her in the last 24 hours. We do a lot of reading here. :)
Q. How do you "unplug" when life gets too crazy?
A. If I've had a particularly challenging day at home, I'll hop in the car in the evening and run down to Dunkin' Donuts or Starbucks for a caramel iced coffee or white chocolate peppermint mocha. I love lounging around the house with my husband after Sassy goes to bed. We'll sit on the couch and watch a funny show (The Office is my favorite!), or lay in bed for a while before going to sleep... I read and my husband sits with his laptop. I've also been known to escape to a local craft store for an hour or so, and come home armed with supplies for a little DIY-stress relief. :) I've found these things are better than locking yourself in a closet in the fetal position. You tend to get some weird looks doing that.
Thank you, Desiree, for inviting me into your life. You've changed me by your presence, and I'm looking forward to growing our new friendshp.
Thanks, also, to Heather at Production not Reproduction for conceiving of this project and making it happen!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
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