The Amazon Kindle e-book version of What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective is available for just $2.99 during the month of November.
Sally
Showing posts with label adoptive parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoptive parenting. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Saturday Author Salon at Lift Bridge Books
I hope you can join me Saturday July 24th for the inaugural Saturday Author Salon at Lift Bridge Books. I'll be there from 2-4 pm to chat and sign copies of my book What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
If you're a Lift Bridge shopper you know that it's a real gem right on the Erie Canal. If you've never been, this is the perfect time to check it out. Lift Bridge has an amazing assortment of books for every reader, including a full-to-the-brim Children's Department and books of Local Interest.
If you already have my book, stop in anyway! I would love to see you, and chances are you'll find something else you "must read" from the shelves of Lift Bridge.
Celebrate summer with the Saturday Author Salon at Lift Bridge Books, 45 Main St. in historic Brockport, NY, July 24th 2-4 pm.
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
If you're a Lift Bridge shopper you know that it's a real gem right on the Erie Canal. If you've never been, this is the perfect time to check it out. Lift Bridge has an amazing assortment of books for every reader, including a full-to-the-brim Children's Department and books of Local Interest.
If you already have my book, stop in anyway! I would love to see you, and chances are you'll find something else you "must read" from the shelves of Lift Bridge.
Celebrate summer with the Saturday Author Salon at Lift Bridge Books, 45 Main St. in historic Brockport, NY, July 24th 2-4 pm.
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Monday, June 21, 2010
Summer Interview Series - Gregory Franklin
Welcome to week three of my Summer Interview Series. Each week I'll post an interview with someone touched by adoption. I hope that you will enjoy learning about them as much as I have. Please let me know if you would like to participate or would like to suggest someone else for me to interview.
This week - Adoptive parent and adoption attorney Gregory Franklin
What is your name/title as you'd like it to appear on my blog?
Gregory A. Franklin
Ashcraft Franklin Young & Peters, LLP
What are some of the adoption-related challenges you have faced as an adoptive parent, and what are some of the things you've done to overcome the challenges?
The biggest challenge was the realization that my son did not necessarily share my joy at being a parent! Adoptive parents need to remember that many adoptees experience feelings of loss, disruption and inadequacy, among other issues, and that we adoptive parents must be sensitive to the presence of those feelings.
What about being a parent has surprised you? What about being an adoptive parent has surprised you?
I don’t see many material differences in being an adoptive parent than being a non-adoptive parent. My biggest surprise was how all-consuming it is to be a parent - I could barely remember my life before I became a parent, and how inconsequential that life had been!
The socio-political tide seems to be turning against international adoption, with a variety of factions citing a variety of reasons. What are your thoughts about the current state of international adoption? How is it different than when you adopted your son? What do you think the future holds for international adoption?
I am saddened that those steering international adoption apparently believe that it is better to allow a child to fester in an orphanage than to be given the chance to thrive in an adoptive home. Between greed, bureaucratic barricades and homophobia, international adoption is a pale shadow of its former robust self, and I am saddened that this situation shown no sign of changing.
As an adoption attorney, you connect with a lot of newly adoptive parents. In general, how well-prepared are they for the experience of being adoptive parents? Do you notice any commonalities in terms of how they prepare themselves, their understanding of birth parents' experiences, and/or their views about openness in adoption?
I think that adoptive parents are least prepared to understand that their joy may not be shared by their child, and that any issues which their child may have are not a reflection on the adoptive parent or the parent’s parenting abilities. With respect to openness, I have certainly observed the trend towards greater openness in adoptions, and the fact that most pre-adoptive parents are more open to openness.
The media makes much of "adoptions gone wrong", which feeds misunderstanding about the legal permanence of the adoption bond. Would you comment on that (the legal permanence of adoption)?
There is one adoption thrust into the media spotlight for every 20,000 “silent”, successful adoptions. I just made up those numbers, but the media, and people in general, focus on the abnormal and notorious, as opposed to the uneventful adoptions which happen every day. The huge likelihood of success will not stop adoptive parents from being paranoid, but a finalized adoption in New York can never be challenged unless the adoptive parents themselves were part of the chicanery.
I hear different opinions about whether or not post-adoption agreements are legally binding. Opinion aside, would you clarify the facts?
Every state has its own laws, but the answer is clear. Post-adoption Contact Agreements (which have the awkward acronym PACAs”) are enforceable in New York agency adoptions, if the agreement is approved by a court. They are not fully enforceable in private adoptions, but a well-written agreement can clearly delineate the expectations of the parties, despite its limited enforceability.
I'm interested in your thoughts about the issue of access to original birth records. What do you think is the best way to balance a birth parent's expectation of privacy and an adoptee's desire for information about their beginning?
I’m not so sure that a birth parent necessarily has an expectation of privacy in this day and age. Most adoptions today have at least a degree of openness. The perception exists that birth parents in years past were told that the adoptions were completely closed and that they would not have to worry about contact, but that was presented as a fact, not as an option.
In my experience, there are few birth parents who do not welcome some degree of contact with their adult biological child. The bottom line for me is that a child is entitled to know who they are, where they came from and how their adoption came to be. Open records are a way to provide some answers to these questions if the adoption has not been open and the child unaware of these answers. Some adoptive parents feel threatened by their child having access to this information, but the balance should be tilted towards providing that information to the adoptee – adoptions are, after all, always supposed to be in the best interests of the child.
What resources do you suggest for adoptive parents and their adopted children?
While it may sound self-serving, I think that pre-adoptive parents should consult with an adoption attorney at the very beginning of the process. Neither the Internet nor an adoption agency will offer unbiased information and present the widest range of realistic options.
Thanks, Greg!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
This week - Adoptive parent and adoption attorney Gregory Franklin
What is your name/title as you'd like it to appear on my blog?
Gregory A. Franklin
Ashcraft Franklin Young & Peters, LLP
What are some of the adoption-related challenges you have faced as an adoptive parent, and what are some of the things you've done to overcome the challenges?
The biggest challenge was the realization that my son did not necessarily share my joy at being a parent! Adoptive parents need to remember that many adoptees experience feelings of loss, disruption and inadequacy, among other issues, and that we adoptive parents must be sensitive to the presence of those feelings.
What about being a parent has surprised you? What about being an adoptive parent has surprised you?
I don’t see many material differences in being an adoptive parent than being a non-adoptive parent. My biggest surprise was how all-consuming it is to be a parent - I could barely remember my life before I became a parent, and how inconsequential that life had been!
The socio-political tide seems to be turning against international adoption, with a variety of factions citing a variety of reasons. What are your thoughts about the current state of international adoption? How is it different than when you adopted your son? What do you think the future holds for international adoption?
I am saddened that those steering international adoption apparently believe that it is better to allow a child to fester in an orphanage than to be given the chance to thrive in an adoptive home. Between greed, bureaucratic barricades and homophobia, international adoption is a pale shadow of its former robust self, and I am saddened that this situation shown no sign of changing.
As an adoption attorney, you connect with a lot of newly adoptive parents. In general, how well-prepared are they for the experience of being adoptive parents? Do you notice any commonalities in terms of how they prepare themselves, their understanding of birth parents' experiences, and/or their views about openness in adoption?
I think that adoptive parents are least prepared to understand that their joy may not be shared by their child, and that any issues which their child may have are not a reflection on the adoptive parent or the parent’s parenting abilities. With respect to openness, I have certainly observed the trend towards greater openness in adoptions, and the fact that most pre-adoptive parents are more open to openness.
The media makes much of "adoptions gone wrong", which feeds misunderstanding about the legal permanence of the adoption bond. Would you comment on that (the legal permanence of adoption)?
There is one adoption thrust into the media spotlight for every 20,000 “silent”, successful adoptions. I just made up those numbers, but the media, and people in general, focus on the abnormal and notorious, as opposed to the uneventful adoptions which happen every day. The huge likelihood of success will not stop adoptive parents from being paranoid, but a finalized adoption in New York can never be challenged unless the adoptive parents themselves were part of the chicanery.
I hear different opinions about whether or not post-adoption agreements are legally binding. Opinion aside, would you clarify the facts?
Every state has its own laws, but the answer is clear. Post-adoption Contact Agreements (which have the awkward acronym PACAs”) are enforceable in New York agency adoptions, if the agreement is approved by a court. They are not fully enforceable in private adoptions, but a well-written agreement can clearly delineate the expectations of the parties, despite its limited enforceability.
I'm interested in your thoughts about the issue of access to original birth records. What do you think is the best way to balance a birth parent's expectation of privacy and an adoptee's desire for information about their beginning?
I’m not so sure that a birth parent necessarily has an expectation of privacy in this day and age. Most adoptions today have at least a degree of openness. The perception exists that birth parents in years past were told that the adoptions were completely closed and that they would not have to worry about contact, but that was presented as a fact, not as an option.
In my experience, there are few birth parents who do not welcome some degree of contact with their adult biological child. The bottom line for me is that a child is entitled to know who they are, where they came from and how their adoption came to be. Open records are a way to provide some answers to these questions if the adoption has not been open and the child unaware of these answers. Some adoptive parents feel threatened by their child having access to this information, but the balance should be tilted towards providing that information to the adoptee – adoptions are, after all, always supposed to be in the best interests of the child.
What resources do you suggest for adoptive parents and their adopted children?
While it may sound self-serving, I think that pre-adoptive parents should consult with an adoption attorney at the very beginning of the process. Neither the Internet nor an adoption agency will offer unbiased information and present the widest range of realistic options.
Thanks, Greg!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Monday, June 14, 2010
Summer Interview Series - Ola Zuri
Welcome to week two of my Summer Interview Series. Each week I'll post an interview with someone touched by adoption. I hope that you will enjoy learning about them as much as I have. Please let me know if you would like to participate or would like to suggest someone else for me to interview.
This week - children's book author Ola Zuri
1. What is your name/title as you would like it to appear on my blog?
Ola Zuri, Children’s Author, Mentor
2. How has your life been touched by adoption?
When I was two years old, my twin sister and I were adopted transracially out of foster care in Montreal, Quebec, Canada. I also have a sister five years younger, who was born to my adoptive parents. When I was almost seven, I moved to Calgary, Alberta. I had a rough childhood when it came to fitting in, belonging to a group, and being able to relate with anyone. As I looked around me to see what I could find that I could relate to or with, it became apparent that there was not a lot that was out there for me. I have struggled during this life for many years, not knowing who I was or where I belonged. I found, and still find, that many other adoptees that I speak with had similar experiences of not belonging and of feeling lost within their worlds. I am now an author of children’s books that help children with their own healing and journey toward self with positive messages to believe in oneself.
I decided that the children of today needed to have a resource that could help guide them through the issues that so many transracial adoptees appear to go through. Being that the stories stem from personal experiences of my being an adoptee, I believe that the children will be able to feel a connection with my being the author who actually went through the same feelings, questions, emotions, and problems that they will go through. The books that I have to offer to the children are a series that I wish I could have had as I was growing up. Having the opportunity to work through the ups and downs of all the various questions, feelings, and emotions that are explored in these books will help the children as they grow, rather than when they are grown.
3. What is your relationship today with the members of your adoptive family?
My relationship with my adoptive family is fairly minimal - when I first brought up the subject of how I felt growing up with the family I did and the experiences I had with the little, actually no, real support from them, I was more or less banned from being a part of the family. It was a “how dare I act as if my life was so bad when they had adopted me and done the best that they could.” My mom and I had not spoken for years until recently yet when I do something she disapproves of, she gives me the silent treatment all over again and I don’t hear from her. As far a my father, we haven’t spoken for years, at least ten. He seems to have little or no interest in what has been happening with myself and my children and I am unable to provide the extra time out of my busy life to run after him.
4. What is your relationship today with the members of your biological family?
My relationship with my biological family is non existent. My biological mother passed away a few years ago and we had been in an on and off contact situation, via mail, for about four years before that. As for other members of the family, I was in contact at the beginning of having found my biological mother in 1995 and then things kind of stopped and we have not communicated since the death of my biological mother in 2004. I have a half brother whom I expected to continue contact with yet for some reason or another, he was always off doing his own thing and never returned calls or letters so that relationship has not bloomed.
5. Understanding that every child and every situation is different, I'm nevertheless interested in your thoughts about trans-racial adoption in general:
* What do you think are the long-term effects on the child (positive and negative)? On the adoptive parents?
The long term effects on the child are pretty diverse. What I mean is that all people are different and have different views on what happened in their families and within their communities. Having no one to relate to or look like you can be a very difficult thing for a child to have to overcome - seeing the negative attitude towards some races in the media and seeing how the celebrities adopt certain races and the not so positive media attention they receive can be devastating for some - living in small towns without the diversity a large metropolis may have can be hard for some to adjust to - Children who do not have a connection with others who look like them actually can gravitate towards them as they are growing up - there is an uncontrollable need or want, a longing inside of something the child doesn’t have yet somehow realizes is something he/she needs - keeping connections to people of color is extremely beneficial for the child to see who he/she may be able to relate with.
There are positives that can take place for a child in the love and support that the parents put forth with any literature, mentoring groups, hair supports and anything parents are willing to do to help keep a child in contact with their cultural background. The resources parents have today for their child are valuable tools for ensuring the chid has an extra connection to their race, history, and culture.
Adoptive parents can have long term effects in very negative ways where they feel resentment toward the child whom they adopted for not feeling like he/she fit in - for not having the belief that their love should have been enough during the child’s childhood - positive effects parents could be the resources parents are willing to include in the child’s life - from the hair products and salons, the mentoring groups, the same race as the child contacts, the cultural inclusion within the family, the positive literature available to both the parents and the children and the pure enjoyment of being a parent to a child!
* If you were to place a child for adoption what would be your first choice of adoptive family - same race, trans-race, or doesn't matter?
If I were to place a child for adoption, my first choice for an adoptive family would be a same race family. I say this because it was difficult for me to find out things about being a person of color in this world when my parents could not, would not, be able to relate to or understand what it was I was feeling or going through. I would want my child to have a family of the same race who could assist him/her through the issues of race, status, and any other issues because of the simple fact that they would be able to relate to what it was he/she would be going through. Having said that, there are definitely not enough people of color adopting children and the reality is the majority of children available for adoption are children of color and the parents who are available to adopt are generally non color families.
However, I do not believe children should be left in the foster care system because of the fact there are not enough same race families to place them in. All children deserve to have a home and a family and being left in care can be harmful, hurtful, and extremely detrimental in how a child develops a positive self image and positive self esteem. So in the end, if my child were to be adopted by a trans-race family, I would encourage interactions with others who look like my child and finding other outside influences to aid in the development of the child.
* Do you think trans-racial adoptions are more a function of a surplus of Caucasian families or a dearth of families of color?
There are certainly an abundance of families who are not of color than there are of color. Unfortunately, there is such a high demand of children of color in foster care and in international orphanages that are awaiting homes and not enough families to adopt them. That being said, I can see the reason more families not of color are able to adopt transracially.
* Do you know of any Caucasian children who were adopted by families of color?
I know of one family of color who has adopted a child who is not of color. I have not seen nor heard of any others - there may be more yet they are not in the same abundance as the reverse so it is not as prominent in the communities.
* There seems to be a strong interest or need among communities to label people. Which of the labels imposed on you have affected your life more, "female", "adopted", "trans-racial", or "African-American"? Do you think of yourself in terms of any or those labels, other labels, or none at all?
As I was growing up, the pressure that I felt to be “more black” was actually really important to me when I would meet other black people. I didn’t understand the foods that they ate and sometimes the different clothes that they wore or their accents. I remember that most black people that I met had a different attitude towards me when I said that I didn’t know what they were talking about when it came to certain foods or music. Having been raised in a very white, country music city, the exposure to anything black was virtually non-existent and I didn’t have the support of parents who were willing to show me anything that had anything to do with black culture.
As I continued to mature, I found myself drawn more and more towards things that were black - clothes, foods, books, art, music, movies and even starting to collect items for whenever I would have children of my own. I felt it was important to make sure that I had some things that made me feel like I was black, that I “got it.” The labels of being female, adopted, transracial, or African-American have not been the focus on my life as much as the labels “black,” “foreigner,” “minority,” and “ token.” These labels have affected my life because of the derogatory way they have been used to describe me. I have had too many people tell me I didn’t belong or wasn’t accepted because of the label placed on me.
* Similar question - To the best of your knowledge, what labels have affected your parents most, and which labels do they apply to themselves?
My parents have never expressed any discomfort with being called Adoptive Parents - they may have felt it more when I was growing up because of the differences in family dynamics of the era, yet now when we are anywhere in the public eye, the label doesn’t seem to come up at all nor do people seem to question the fact that we are a family anymore. For them as parents, the label of adoptive parent is better now than it was then.
6. How have your thoughts and feelings about adoption changed over time (both with respect to your personal experience and adoption in general.)
My thoughts and feelings about adoption has changed many times over time - when I first started writing essays and term papers on adoption, I was completely for it - race didn’t matter, love did - end of discussion. As time went on and I was discovering who I was, who was inside of me that I didn’t know, as I met others in the community and talked about adoption, transracial adoption and race issues, I came to realize I was not at all at the same crossroads as I was earlier in my life, when it came to supporting adoption, as I had been to begin with.
The disconnect a child feels from not being with the biological family, the loss of a culture, and a community, when a child is adopted transacially and internationally, the confusion a child goes through with regards to identity, the unknown that most adoptees feel as they are growing up and some decide to ignore it and move on with life, while others take everything to heart and work at finding the answers to their healing - as I realized these areas were extremely important to someone who is adopted, I knew my rational feelings and thoughts toward adoption in general was hugely affected.
7. What would you like people to know about being adopted? About being adopted trans-racially?
What I would like people to know about being adopted and about being adopted transracially, is that it all matters! What I mean is everything in an adoptee’s life is not the same as your biological child’s - their background cannot always be traced, the biological family may not be in the picture or may be to start and then al of a sudden stops, - everything from hair, skin, race issues to culture, music, heritage, genes, biological parents and siblings and even extended family members - all of these areas matter and need to be addressed with the adopted person at one, five, twenty, one hundred times throughout a lifetime - the need for connection by adoptive parents to their adopted child is key to ensuring a healthy bond, a healthy connection, a healthy journey for both the parents and especially for the child. After all, it is the child who was adopted into the family, not the other way around. Being told you are special because you were chosen, is not always what an adopted person wants to hear. It is not as special as some people may think.
My parents didn’t put a lot of time or effort into ensuring that I felt okay as an adoptee, let alone a transracial adoptee. I wish my parents had actually acknowledged my race as something I had to deal with. I didn’t realize I would go through the racism problems I had to because my parents never made it an issue or concern for me. There were times when my parents would snap at people with angry comments about my being an adopted child and that embarrassed me more than helped me feel good about one, being adopted, and two, being black. Being that I am black, I think that race is a huge issue for a child to have to all of a sudden deal with on her/his own. Having the support, words of encouragement, and love from my parents would have helped me face the racism and, ultimately, my own identity, a lot easier than I was able to.
Children need whatever kind of love and support that they can get and having an extended family that cares about their well being and development is very important and extremely beneficial. As I was growing up, I did not have the luxury of having grandparents that cared about what happened to me, or about developing any special bonds of love and sense of belonging and being a part of the family. My grandparents on my father’s side, did not like the fact that my sister and I were black and showed it. There was always the attitude of non-acceptance in the air when I remember going over to their house and the children can be seen but not heard when over there. Too many times I remember having to lie on the floor over there and play the game of who can lie still the longest and then I would end up falling asleep because it was always for so long. I never enjoyed going over there.
My mother’s family was a little more welcoming but there was a definite clash between my grandfather and I because he never treated me as if I belonged and that was hurtful because my sister was treated better than I was with him. I think that as long as the children have extended family that are interested in developing bonds with all of the children and show the same love and affection towards them all, the children will benefit a lot by having that extension available.
8. Are there any resources you recommend for birth parents, adoptive parents, adoptees?
The resources that are available today are immense compared to when I was growing up. There is a lot more literature, support groups, counsellors who understand about attachment and belonging who can aid or assist with the child(ren) who feels out of place. There are also support groups in the way of mentoring for children, in the form of multicultural camps or mentoring groups, a place where everyone comes and it is all about them, having fun together and being a part of an experience geared toward the child(ren). These resources are so helpful for the family as a whole because there are many opportunities given for each member to see others who look like them, to have a network of people who have, or may, experience similar things being in the same type of family situation. When I was growing up, I did not have any other families around me who looked the same as my family did - I was never exposed to others who may feel what I felt nor did my parents have any friends in the same situation.
The Believe In Me program I have started and am taking across the country, has been widely accepted already. The overall purpose of the program is to provide positive literature to encourage and empower all children to believe in themselves with determination and faith while discovering and using perseverance for success and overcoming obstacles in life.
Believe In Me gives parents the support needed to raise confidence levels in
children. It provides resources for the educators, support workers and community members while helping children develop to their best level as individuals. This program creates ways for all children, in every part of the country, in building positive self esteem from within. Why Can’t You Look Like Me and Where Do I Belong are the first two of six titles in the program. These books open children up to having to deal with their feelings when they are unsure of how to feel. They offer a distinctly broader view of dealing with situations any child may experience that is on the level of the child. Next, the books emphasize roles to actively teach and encourage the child to believe in what is inside of himself/herself and not on what others may say or want for him/her. The variety of subjects to be included in the series include family, belonging, fitting in, identity, adoption, foster care, and most importantly is building a positive self esteem and a positive self confidence within the children.
9. Anything else you want to say?
So, don’t get me wrong with the answers that I gave. I know that I was very fortunate to have the family that I had when I was growing up. I had a roof over my head, clothes to wear, books to read, gifts and activities to experience. Having said that, I would take it all back in a heartbeat if I could have had a family that had actually wanted me for me, a family that loved me no matter what, and believed in me and what potential I had and could have. My parents thought they did the best that they could and I guess in reality, they did not seek out any resources that there may have been for them and ultimately, for my sister and I.
I personally didn’t think very much of it was the best and now with my own children, I do so many things differently. I do not want my children growing up thinking that I don’t believe in them, love them or want the best for them. The attitude towards them will always be one of pride and confidence in all that they can do because I know that I missed those qualities in my parents when I was growing up. The book series that I have in the works will help all children to believe in themselves, in who they are inside, and to rely on what is right for them not what is going on around them.
Not all children are lucky enough to have parents that care about what is happening in the everyday for their children. By having the books I am writing available in schools and libraries, it will still give all of those children the opportunity to read them when the parents won’t provide them with their own copy at home. A child will develop as he/she is taught and will withdraw into his/her own world when there is no positive resource available though the family network. Let’s hope more families are willing to bend a little and see there is more to adoption than meets the eye and be open to any and all assistance available to them! After all, it’ s for the children!
Last, but not least, is something I would like to express is one word that describes what “belonging” can mean to a child:
Acceptance - acceptance within one’s family, one’s school, one’s community - when a child believes he/she has been completely and totally accepted into their family, the ability to believe in and accept oneself becomes so much easier for a child. what I mean is a child who has a parent(s) that will listen to all of his/her concerns, issues, problems, emotions, worries and will not judge or try to do the quick fix for the child, this child will have gained such a feeling of acceptance from the parent(s) because whatever the issue was, the child will have always had the support from someone who wanted to provide it, not from someone who was obligated to provide it.
Children know when someone is being genuine and when someone is doing something because it has to be done. there is a difference and the parent(s) who can figure it out and can be there 150% without expectation, without judgement, without ridicule or sarcasm, or any negatives, that(those) will be the parent(s) who have children that are more willing to share thoughts, feelings, dreams, problems, and everything life has to bring their way. it is more likely for these children to be open with a support system who has been there throughout the times of confusion and will continue to be there.
Kids go through so many issues in their life and belonging should never have to be one of them - the reaality however, is that all children seem to have to go through some sort of belonging. whether it be in a sports related area, a school function, a school group, a class environment, or even within the family, there is some place in a child’s growing up years where “belonging” is something he/she has to try and do. as a child is growing up, the everyday stressess of wondering what to wear and what to pack in the lunch bag should be the most important things on a child’s mind - not wondering who he/she can sit with in the lunch room, or who is going to play with him/her on the playground, if anyone will play with him/her. worries about what others think about him/her is very unfortunate and has a lot of kids diagnosed with anxiety disorders as a result of not being able to handle the pressures. belonging is a way for others to say “you don’t belong” and then the child deals with how to fit in and where to fit in. when a child is taught from the formative years to believe in who is inside of themself and not on what others say or want for him/her, the child will have inner strength when the “belonging” issues cone up during school or sports and will be stronger for himself/herself in handling the situation with a positive attitude and positive outlook on how he/she can deal with the situation.
Thanks, Ola!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
This week - children's book author Ola Zuri
1. What is your name/title as you would like it to appear on my blog?
Ola Zuri, Children’s Author, Mentor
2. How has your life been touched by adoption?
When I was two years old, my twin sister and I were adopted transracially out of foster care in Montreal, Quebec, Canada. I also have a sister five years younger, who was born to my adoptive parents. When I was almost seven, I moved to Calgary, Alberta. I had a rough childhood when it came to fitting in, belonging to a group, and being able to relate with anyone. As I looked around me to see what I could find that I could relate to or with, it became apparent that there was not a lot that was out there for me. I have struggled during this life for many years, not knowing who I was or where I belonged. I found, and still find, that many other adoptees that I speak with had similar experiences of not belonging and of feeling lost within their worlds. I am now an author of children’s books that help children with their own healing and journey toward self with positive messages to believe in oneself.
I decided that the children of today needed to have a resource that could help guide them through the issues that so many transracial adoptees appear to go through. Being that the stories stem from personal experiences of my being an adoptee, I believe that the children will be able to feel a connection with my being the author who actually went through the same feelings, questions, emotions, and problems that they will go through. The books that I have to offer to the children are a series that I wish I could have had as I was growing up. Having the opportunity to work through the ups and downs of all the various questions, feelings, and emotions that are explored in these books will help the children as they grow, rather than when they are grown.
3. What is your relationship today with the members of your adoptive family?
My relationship with my adoptive family is fairly minimal - when I first brought up the subject of how I felt growing up with the family I did and the experiences I had with the little, actually no, real support from them, I was more or less banned from being a part of the family. It was a “how dare I act as if my life was so bad when they had adopted me and done the best that they could.” My mom and I had not spoken for years until recently yet when I do something she disapproves of, she gives me the silent treatment all over again and I don’t hear from her. As far a my father, we haven’t spoken for years, at least ten. He seems to have little or no interest in what has been happening with myself and my children and I am unable to provide the extra time out of my busy life to run after him.
4. What is your relationship today with the members of your biological family?
My relationship with my biological family is non existent. My biological mother passed away a few years ago and we had been in an on and off contact situation, via mail, for about four years before that. As for other members of the family, I was in contact at the beginning of having found my biological mother in 1995 and then things kind of stopped and we have not communicated since the death of my biological mother in 2004. I have a half brother whom I expected to continue contact with yet for some reason or another, he was always off doing his own thing and never returned calls or letters so that relationship has not bloomed.
5. Understanding that every child and every situation is different, I'm nevertheless interested in your thoughts about trans-racial adoption in general:
* What do you think are the long-term effects on the child (positive and negative)? On the adoptive parents?
The long term effects on the child are pretty diverse. What I mean is that all people are different and have different views on what happened in their families and within their communities. Having no one to relate to or look like you can be a very difficult thing for a child to have to overcome - seeing the negative attitude towards some races in the media and seeing how the celebrities adopt certain races and the not so positive media attention they receive can be devastating for some - living in small towns without the diversity a large metropolis may have can be hard for some to adjust to - Children who do not have a connection with others who look like them actually can gravitate towards them as they are growing up - there is an uncontrollable need or want, a longing inside of something the child doesn’t have yet somehow realizes is something he/she needs - keeping connections to people of color is extremely beneficial for the child to see who he/she may be able to relate with.
There are positives that can take place for a child in the love and support that the parents put forth with any literature, mentoring groups, hair supports and anything parents are willing to do to help keep a child in contact with their cultural background. The resources parents have today for their child are valuable tools for ensuring the chid has an extra connection to their race, history, and culture.
Adoptive parents can have long term effects in very negative ways where they feel resentment toward the child whom they adopted for not feeling like he/she fit in - for not having the belief that their love should have been enough during the child’s childhood - positive effects parents could be the resources parents are willing to include in the child’s life - from the hair products and salons, the mentoring groups, the same race as the child contacts, the cultural inclusion within the family, the positive literature available to both the parents and the children and the pure enjoyment of being a parent to a child!
* If you were to place a child for adoption what would be your first choice of adoptive family - same race, trans-race, or doesn't matter?
If I were to place a child for adoption, my first choice for an adoptive family would be a same race family. I say this because it was difficult for me to find out things about being a person of color in this world when my parents could not, would not, be able to relate to or understand what it was I was feeling or going through. I would want my child to have a family of the same race who could assist him/her through the issues of race, status, and any other issues because of the simple fact that they would be able to relate to what it was he/she would be going through. Having said that, there are definitely not enough people of color adopting children and the reality is the majority of children available for adoption are children of color and the parents who are available to adopt are generally non color families.
However, I do not believe children should be left in the foster care system because of the fact there are not enough same race families to place them in. All children deserve to have a home and a family and being left in care can be harmful, hurtful, and extremely detrimental in how a child develops a positive self image and positive self esteem. So in the end, if my child were to be adopted by a trans-race family, I would encourage interactions with others who look like my child and finding other outside influences to aid in the development of the child.
* Do you think trans-racial adoptions are more a function of a surplus of Caucasian families or a dearth of families of color?
There are certainly an abundance of families who are not of color than there are of color. Unfortunately, there is such a high demand of children of color in foster care and in international orphanages that are awaiting homes and not enough families to adopt them. That being said, I can see the reason more families not of color are able to adopt transracially.
* Do you know of any Caucasian children who were adopted by families of color?
I know of one family of color who has adopted a child who is not of color. I have not seen nor heard of any others - there may be more yet they are not in the same abundance as the reverse so it is not as prominent in the communities.
* There seems to be a strong interest or need among communities to label people. Which of the labels imposed on you have affected your life more, "female", "adopted", "trans-racial", or "African-American"? Do you think of yourself in terms of any or those labels, other labels, or none at all?
As I was growing up, the pressure that I felt to be “more black” was actually really important to me when I would meet other black people. I didn’t understand the foods that they ate and sometimes the different clothes that they wore or their accents. I remember that most black people that I met had a different attitude towards me when I said that I didn’t know what they were talking about when it came to certain foods or music. Having been raised in a very white, country music city, the exposure to anything black was virtually non-existent and I didn’t have the support of parents who were willing to show me anything that had anything to do with black culture.
As I continued to mature, I found myself drawn more and more towards things that were black - clothes, foods, books, art, music, movies and even starting to collect items for whenever I would have children of my own. I felt it was important to make sure that I had some things that made me feel like I was black, that I “got it.” The labels of being female, adopted, transracial, or African-American have not been the focus on my life as much as the labels “black,” “foreigner,” “minority,” and “ token.” These labels have affected my life because of the derogatory way they have been used to describe me. I have had too many people tell me I didn’t belong or wasn’t accepted because of the label placed on me.
* Similar question - To the best of your knowledge, what labels have affected your parents most, and which labels do they apply to themselves?
My parents have never expressed any discomfort with being called Adoptive Parents - they may have felt it more when I was growing up because of the differences in family dynamics of the era, yet now when we are anywhere in the public eye, the label doesn’t seem to come up at all nor do people seem to question the fact that we are a family anymore. For them as parents, the label of adoptive parent is better now than it was then.
6. How have your thoughts and feelings about adoption changed over time (both with respect to your personal experience and adoption in general.)
My thoughts and feelings about adoption has changed many times over time - when I first started writing essays and term papers on adoption, I was completely for it - race didn’t matter, love did - end of discussion. As time went on and I was discovering who I was, who was inside of me that I didn’t know, as I met others in the community and talked about adoption, transracial adoption and race issues, I came to realize I was not at all at the same crossroads as I was earlier in my life, when it came to supporting adoption, as I had been to begin with.
The disconnect a child feels from not being with the biological family, the loss of a culture, and a community, when a child is adopted transacially and internationally, the confusion a child goes through with regards to identity, the unknown that most adoptees feel as they are growing up and some decide to ignore it and move on with life, while others take everything to heart and work at finding the answers to their healing - as I realized these areas were extremely important to someone who is adopted, I knew my rational feelings and thoughts toward adoption in general was hugely affected.
7. What would you like people to know about being adopted? About being adopted trans-racially?
What I would like people to know about being adopted and about being adopted transracially, is that it all matters! What I mean is everything in an adoptee’s life is not the same as your biological child’s - their background cannot always be traced, the biological family may not be in the picture or may be to start and then al of a sudden stops, - everything from hair, skin, race issues to culture, music, heritage, genes, biological parents and siblings and even extended family members - all of these areas matter and need to be addressed with the adopted person at one, five, twenty, one hundred times throughout a lifetime - the need for connection by adoptive parents to their adopted child is key to ensuring a healthy bond, a healthy connection, a healthy journey for both the parents and especially for the child. After all, it is the child who was adopted into the family, not the other way around. Being told you are special because you were chosen, is not always what an adopted person wants to hear. It is not as special as some people may think.
My parents didn’t put a lot of time or effort into ensuring that I felt okay as an adoptee, let alone a transracial adoptee. I wish my parents had actually acknowledged my race as something I had to deal with. I didn’t realize I would go through the racism problems I had to because my parents never made it an issue or concern for me. There were times when my parents would snap at people with angry comments about my being an adopted child and that embarrassed me more than helped me feel good about one, being adopted, and two, being black. Being that I am black, I think that race is a huge issue for a child to have to all of a sudden deal with on her/his own. Having the support, words of encouragement, and love from my parents would have helped me face the racism and, ultimately, my own identity, a lot easier than I was able to.
Children need whatever kind of love and support that they can get and having an extended family that cares about their well being and development is very important and extremely beneficial. As I was growing up, I did not have the luxury of having grandparents that cared about what happened to me, or about developing any special bonds of love and sense of belonging and being a part of the family. My grandparents on my father’s side, did not like the fact that my sister and I were black and showed it. There was always the attitude of non-acceptance in the air when I remember going over to their house and the children can be seen but not heard when over there. Too many times I remember having to lie on the floor over there and play the game of who can lie still the longest and then I would end up falling asleep because it was always for so long. I never enjoyed going over there.
My mother’s family was a little more welcoming but there was a definite clash between my grandfather and I because he never treated me as if I belonged and that was hurtful because my sister was treated better than I was with him. I think that as long as the children have extended family that are interested in developing bonds with all of the children and show the same love and affection towards them all, the children will benefit a lot by having that extension available.
8. Are there any resources you recommend for birth parents, adoptive parents, adoptees?
The resources that are available today are immense compared to when I was growing up. There is a lot more literature, support groups, counsellors who understand about attachment and belonging who can aid or assist with the child(ren) who feels out of place. There are also support groups in the way of mentoring for children, in the form of multicultural camps or mentoring groups, a place where everyone comes and it is all about them, having fun together and being a part of an experience geared toward the child(ren). These resources are so helpful for the family as a whole because there are many opportunities given for each member to see others who look like them, to have a network of people who have, or may, experience similar things being in the same type of family situation. When I was growing up, I did not have any other families around me who looked the same as my family did - I was never exposed to others who may feel what I felt nor did my parents have any friends in the same situation.
The Believe In Me program I have started and am taking across the country, has been widely accepted already. The overall purpose of the program is to provide positive literature to encourage and empower all children to believe in themselves with determination and faith while discovering and using perseverance for success and overcoming obstacles in life.
Believe In Me gives parents the support needed to raise confidence levels in
children. It provides resources for the educators, support workers and community members while helping children develop to their best level as individuals. This program creates ways for all children, in every part of the country, in building positive self esteem from within. Why Can’t You Look Like Me and Where Do I Belong are the first two of six titles in the program. These books open children up to having to deal with their feelings when they are unsure of how to feel. They offer a distinctly broader view of dealing with situations any child may experience that is on the level of the child. Next, the books emphasize roles to actively teach and encourage the child to believe in what is inside of himself/herself and not on what others may say or want for him/her. The variety of subjects to be included in the series include family, belonging, fitting in, identity, adoption, foster care, and most importantly is building a positive self esteem and a positive self confidence within the children.
9. Anything else you want to say?
So, don’t get me wrong with the answers that I gave. I know that I was very fortunate to have the family that I had when I was growing up. I had a roof over my head, clothes to wear, books to read, gifts and activities to experience. Having said that, I would take it all back in a heartbeat if I could have had a family that had actually wanted me for me, a family that loved me no matter what, and believed in me and what potential I had and could have. My parents thought they did the best that they could and I guess in reality, they did not seek out any resources that there may have been for them and ultimately, for my sister and I.
I personally didn’t think very much of it was the best and now with my own children, I do so many things differently. I do not want my children growing up thinking that I don’t believe in them, love them or want the best for them. The attitude towards them will always be one of pride and confidence in all that they can do because I know that I missed those qualities in my parents when I was growing up. The book series that I have in the works will help all children to believe in themselves, in who they are inside, and to rely on what is right for them not what is going on around them.
Not all children are lucky enough to have parents that care about what is happening in the everyday for their children. By having the books I am writing available in schools and libraries, it will still give all of those children the opportunity to read them when the parents won’t provide them with their own copy at home. A child will develop as he/she is taught and will withdraw into his/her own world when there is no positive resource available though the family network. Let’s hope more families are willing to bend a little and see there is more to adoption than meets the eye and be open to any and all assistance available to them! After all, it’ s for the children!
Last, but not least, is something I would like to express is one word that describes what “belonging” can mean to a child:
Acceptance - acceptance within one’s family, one’s school, one’s community - when a child believes he/she has been completely and totally accepted into their family, the ability to believe in and accept oneself becomes so much easier for a child. what I mean is a child who has a parent(s) that will listen to all of his/her concerns, issues, problems, emotions, worries and will not judge or try to do the quick fix for the child, this child will have gained such a feeling of acceptance from the parent(s) because whatever the issue was, the child will have always had the support from someone who wanted to provide it, not from someone who was obligated to provide it.
Children know when someone is being genuine and when someone is doing something because it has to be done. there is a difference and the parent(s) who can figure it out and can be there 150% without expectation, without judgement, without ridicule or sarcasm, or any negatives, that(those) will be the parent(s) who have children that are more willing to share thoughts, feelings, dreams, problems, and everything life has to bring their way. it is more likely for these children to be open with a support system who has been there throughout the times of confusion and will continue to be there.
Kids go through so many issues in their life and belonging should never have to be one of them - the reaality however, is that all children seem to have to go through some sort of belonging. whether it be in a sports related area, a school function, a school group, a class environment, or even within the family, there is some place in a child’s growing up years where “belonging” is something he/she has to try and do. as a child is growing up, the everyday stressess of wondering what to wear and what to pack in the lunch bag should be the most important things on a child’s mind - not wondering who he/she can sit with in the lunch room, or who is going to play with him/her on the playground, if anyone will play with him/her. worries about what others think about him/her is very unfortunate and has a lot of kids diagnosed with anxiety disorders as a result of not being able to handle the pressures. belonging is a way for others to say “you don’t belong” and then the child deals with how to fit in and where to fit in. when a child is taught from the formative years to believe in who is inside of themself and not on what others say or want for him/her, the child will have inner strength when the “belonging” issues cone up during school or sports and will be stronger for himself/herself in handling the situation with a positive attitude and positive outlook on how he/she can deal with the situation.
Thanks, Ola!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Summer Interview Series - Kelsey Stewart
I've met so many interesting, challenging, and truly wonderful people through adoption that I've decided to run a Summer Interview Series. Each week I'll post an interview with someone touched by adoption. I hope that you will enjoy learning about them as much as I have. Let me know if you would like to participate or would like to suggest someone else for me to interview.
Welcome to interview #1 - Kelsey Stewart, author of the children's book The Best for You
1. What is your name/title as you would like it to appear on my blog?
Kelsey Stewart, Author
2. How old are your children, both those that you placed for adoption and those you're raising?
My daughter is in her twenties and my twins are soon to be in their twenties. I do like to keep their ages a mystery because I am more public than they are. My two sons that I am raising with my husband are ten and seven.
3. What is your relationship today with the children you placed?
I have known my daughter since she was born. Her parents are two very understanding and compassionate people who agreed with me that she should have access to her roots should she need or want to explore it. I saw her throughout her life and we do talk, or I should say type, often. We say I love you, we chat intensely sometimes, and sometimes we just talk sports.
I stayed in touch with my twins parents their entire life and just last summer they contacted me through the Internet. We have been spending the time since then getting to know each other through writings but we have not had an in person reunion so to speak. They have been very kind and it is still very new, but I do love their understanding and amazing sense of humor! It seems, 20 some odd years later, that they have all grown up healthy and happy kids.
4. What was at the root of your decision to place? Who or what influenced your decision and in what ways?
I influenced myself. My life was at that root of my decision to place. I was a child of divorce in a time when divorces were not the norm. I grew up thinking that it was the Army that was keeping my father away from us, not the fact that he had another family somewhere else. I had many, many abandonment issues as an adolescent. I worked through them eventually, but at the time I was dealing with quite the confusion and sadness of not knowing my life story in it's entirety until it was far too late not to be affected by it!
When you grow up without a father because of divorce, it has some very different demons that will cause you to think twice about becoming a parent alone. Did I really want to put my child through that pain? That loneliness? Did I want them wondering what the hell they did wrong to make him leave complex?
Oh I know, some out there may say ... "Well Kelsey, isn't that what you did? Did you not abandon your OWN children when they were born?" Good point. And I would have to answer yes. With a but. You see, my mother did not choose for my father to become disenchanted with family life. My mother did not choose to walk life alone, scared, strong sometimes and defeated other times. She did not choose for me to have such issues with being the victim of his disloyalty to me, his disrespect to her. She did not choose those things. And although it was extremely difficult for her, she always came through optimistic that there was something out there that was worth it.
I lived with it, and did not want it for my children. I am strong and speak well for myself so I was able to fight and get what I thought was an open adoption that would work for all parties involved. I made sure that my parents knew that I WOULD NOT be able to do it if they did not let me know just how they were. I did not want constant contact, (remember this was over 20 years ago when open adoption was not very acceptable) I just wanted to see pictures and hear about them twice a year. I knew that I could not not see them, could not forget them, and needed to just keep in touch, if for nothing else to let them know that I cared and thought about them.
I knew that I needed to place them for adoption because I could not do it alone, and I was not in a very good place mentally at the time. I was still dealing with many, MANY issue with my own life and head to be able to raise another person. I know when to ask for help and I am not afraid or ashamed to do so.
5. How did your family and friends react to your decision?
I could not have been more supported or loved. It was all around me. Everyone I knew, who knew me and what I had been through in my short life (I was 19 when blessed with my daughter), and they all thought it was very brave of me to know what I wanted, and what was best for the child at that time. From my biggest supporter, my mother, to the friends I had, to all the cousins who still to this day tell me how proud they are of me for what I was able to do, then live with, and eventually talk proudly about....well to say that I was fortunate would be an understatement! I am one incredibly luck gal to have such love, such comfort around me, both now and definitely then.
6. Was the birth father involved in the decision? In what way?
Well, my daughter's father signed the papers and pretty much let me handle everything. We broke up not long after learning I was pregnant, reasons I will not share because I do not like to speak for others and this is very private information for my daughter. He relinquished his rights and that told me he was acknowledging her and trusting me that this was best.
I married the twins father years later, so to say that he is involved would be a true statement. He loves raising his kids now, and did think and miss the twins all their life. He is just more reserved about being so open about it, it's just his style. I am not saying that he is ashamed of it or anything like that, he just thinks it is none of your business because it is his life. Again, I do not like to speak for others and I respect him more than any other human on this Earth.
7. How have your thoughts and feelings about adoption changed over time (both with respect to your personal experience and adoption in general.)
Thoughts on adoption have been varied. Personally I am one proud woman for working through the deep heartache of loosing a child. I make no candy coated claims that adoption is always fantastic. I have spent all my years since my daughter came into the world walking everyday without her. Then, to do it again was probably more difficult because I knew what society would have to say about it, even worse, what some think about it.
This leads to the second part of the question the feelings of adoption. Mine have changed almost yearly, depending on what trend adoption is in at the time. Sometimes it is looked upon as a good thing, caring and accepted leading me to feel pretty good about it. Sometimes it is looked upon as the devil's work of money loving individuals who will coerce and lie in any way to make adoption happen leading me to such pain to think that some were forced to leave their children. The later just hurts my feeling because I am lumped into that group that is considered "brainwashed or just plain soulless" because I have a rather happy outlook on adoption. I really don't understand all the controversy that has irrupted in the last 10 years. Adoption truly is a cauldron of mixed opinions and voices that shows what an amazingly personal and heartfelt matter this is. Has it changed? Oh yes! It is now in an age were the whole world can read a plethora of information about all walks in the triad and sometimes, just too much information.
8. What are your thoughts about degrees of openness in adoption? How do you think different degrees of openness affect adopted children at different stages of development?
I am a big believer that a child should always know that they are adopted. Honesty is a quality everyone likes, so just because they are littler than us doesn't mean they would not appreciate the truth. Sometimes you have to allow the child to lead the way into knowing about their birth/natural parents. I believe that communication is THE key to open adoption.
If both sets of parents keep in contact and set rules that can be looked at frequently to determine what is needed in the child's life. I do think that a child can be overwhelmed by the whole thought of it, perhaps feel some kind of loyalty that they do not understand but do not dare question because they are the life givers. If the lines are open and the parents are on the same page it make it much easier to talk to the child and find out what the degrees are. But it definitely is changing all the time. I know that some birth/natural parents sometimes distance themselves which can make it difficult, but it is just another way to cope or heal for them...it's not to be read into too much. I remind you, I do not speak for all birth/natural parents, I only speak from my own experiences.
9. What are some challenges you have faced in your relationship with the children you placed and with those you're raising? (related to adoption or not)
Regarding adoption, the biggest challenge with my adopted children is the awkwardness of getting to know you. It is very stressful because you do not want to scare off, but you do not want to ignore the tough questions. Or just starting a conversation, that is also sometimes very difficult for me...I think too much.
Adoption and the children I am raising is talked about from time to time, but it is not always a subject. They ask questions about their siblings and I have always been straight forward with them. They both love the idea that there are siblings out there that want to meet them. They have a very good idea of what adoption is in my life, and they embrace that I have a big heart.
Other challenges not regarding adoption? Why there is always laundry, everyday! Keeping schedules, hurt feelings (those little faces try so hard to keep it together but when the tears come I just melt, then I am no good!), teaching perseverance, teaching how to clean up afterwards, how to keep my cool when I have already asked more than twice, and making sure they always know that I have their back...not matter what.
10. If you had it to do over again would you do anything differently?
I believe that if you live in the past you will always find something that did you wrong, but if you look ahead you can change those wrongs with what you have learned.
11. What would you like people to know about being a birth parent?
It is not an easy life to lead. It changes all the time. I just wrote the other day about how life moves on and sometimes you can be going along just fine, but then one thing...one thing will turn your world upside down because of adoption. I am not complaining about it, I am just saying that it is something that never goes away. I am proud of what my children's lives have turned into and I am fortunate enough to have the luxury of knowing them. I have always, always carried them with me, every step of the way. My children were wanted, they were loved and I did what I thought was the best that I could do for them at the time, and I am here to say that they are pretty terrific people!
12. Are there any resources you recommend for birth parents, adoptive parents, adoptees?
Tapestry Books is a fantastic resource for all things in adoption literature. I like to recommend the Internet, but I do not know your tastes. There are just so many out there, search around for a voice you can believe in and that keeps you thinking outside the box.
13. You say that "Adoption is God's love given twice." That's a very positive perspective. What is your response to people who have had horrible adoption experiences, either as birth parents, adoptees, or adoptive parents?
I speak from my experience only. I always say that, and I mean it. Sure, I am a little on the sweet side of the birth/natural mothers, but again I believe that it is what you do with your life that makes your character. I write to inspire those who need a voice they can believe in. I write to help birth/natural mothers feel not so alone in their journey, to remind them that no matter their story they are strong women. I write to help adoptive parents think differently about their birth/natural parents. I write to help adoptees who might be wondering if they were ever thought of so that I can say YES!, almost always YES! Sometimes just listening is what I do best.
The road is not always easy, and may not be the road you were expecting. But you have to have hope along with faith that you will make it through and perhaps you will find your peace.
14. Anything else you want to say?
I thank you so much for inviting me to do this! You have asked some very thought provoking questions, so much so I have been making notes as I answer because some of the things I want to touch on more in depth, so thanks for that as well. I feel very blessed and useful knowing that there are people out there who take an interest in what I say. If I can help just one person feel comfort, or feel validated, or feel differently about something I made them think about...well I consider myself very, very lucky.
Thank you, Kelsey!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Welcome to interview #1 - Kelsey Stewart, author of the children's book The Best for You
1. What is your name/title as you would like it to appear on my blog?
Kelsey Stewart, Author
2. How old are your children, both those that you placed for adoption and those you're raising?
My daughter is in her twenties and my twins are soon to be in their twenties. I do like to keep their ages a mystery because I am more public than they are. My two sons that I am raising with my husband are ten and seven.
3. What is your relationship today with the children you placed?
I have known my daughter since she was born. Her parents are two very understanding and compassionate people who agreed with me that she should have access to her roots should she need or want to explore it. I saw her throughout her life and we do talk, or I should say type, often. We say I love you, we chat intensely sometimes, and sometimes we just talk sports.
I stayed in touch with my twins parents their entire life and just last summer they contacted me through the Internet. We have been spending the time since then getting to know each other through writings but we have not had an in person reunion so to speak. They have been very kind and it is still very new, but I do love their understanding and amazing sense of humor! It seems, 20 some odd years later, that they have all grown up healthy and happy kids.
4. What was at the root of your decision to place? Who or what influenced your decision and in what ways?
I influenced myself. My life was at that root of my decision to place. I was a child of divorce in a time when divorces were not the norm. I grew up thinking that it was the Army that was keeping my father away from us, not the fact that he had another family somewhere else. I had many, many abandonment issues as an adolescent. I worked through them eventually, but at the time I was dealing with quite the confusion and sadness of not knowing my life story in it's entirety until it was far too late not to be affected by it!
When you grow up without a father because of divorce, it has some very different demons that will cause you to think twice about becoming a parent alone. Did I really want to put my child through that pain? That loneliness? Did I want them wondering what the hell they did wrong to make him leave complex?
Oh I know, some out there may say ... "Well Kelsey, isn't that what you did? Did you not abandon your OWN children when they were born?" Good point. And I would have to answer yes. With a but. You see, my mother did not choose for my father to become disenchanted with family life. My mother did not choose to walk life alone, scared, strong sometimes and defeated other times. She did not choose for me to have such issues with being the victim of his disloyalty to me, his disrespect to her. She did not choose those things. And although it was extremely difficult for her, she always came through optimistic that there was something out there that was worth it.
I lived with it, and did not want it for my children. I am strong and speak well for myself so I was able to fight and get what I thought was an open adoption that would work for all parties involved. I made sure that my parents knew that I WOULD NOT be able to do it if they did not let me know just how they were. I did not want constant contact, (remember this was over 20 years ago when open adoption was not very acceptable) I just wanted to see pictures and hear about them twice a year. I knew that I could not not see them, could not forget them, and needed to just keep in touch, if for nothing else to let them know that I cared and thought about them.
I knew that I needed to place them for adoption because I could not do it alone, and I was not in a very good place mentally at the time. I was still dealing with many, MANY issue with my own life and head to be able to raise another person. I know when to ask for help and I am not afraid or ashamed to do so.
5. How did your family and friends react to your decision?
I could not have been more supported or loved. It was all around me. Everyone I knew, who knew me and what I had been through in my short life (I was 19 when blessed with my daughter), and they all thought it was very brave of me to know what I wanted, and what was best for the child at that time. From my biggest supporter, my mother, to the friends I had, to all the cousins who still to this day tell me how proud they are of me for what I was able to do, then live with, and eventually talk proudly about....well to say that I was fortunate would be an understatement! I am one incredibly luck gal to have such love, such comfort around me, both now and definitely then.
6. Was the birth father involved in the decision? In what way?
Well, my daughter's father signed the papers and pretty much let me handle everything. We broke up not long after learning I was pregnant, reasons I will not share because I do not like to speak for others and this is very private information for my daughter. He relinquished his rights and that told me he was acknowledging her and trusting me that this was best.
I married the twins father years later, so to say that he is involved would be a true statement. He loves raising his kids now, and did think and miss the twins all their life. He is just more reserved about being so open about it, it's just his style. I am not saying that he is ashamed of it or anything like that, he just thinks it is none of your business because it is his life. Again, I do not like to speak for others and I respect him more than any other human on this Earth.
7. How have your thoughts and feelings about adoption changed over time (both with respect to your personal experience and adoption in general.)
Thoughts on adoption have been varied. Personally I am one proud woman for working through the deep heartache of loosing a child. I make no candy coated claims that adoption is always fantastic. I have spent all my years since my daughter came into the world walking everyday without her. Then, to do it again was probably more difficult because I knew what society would have to say about it, even worse, what some think about it.
This leads to the second part of the question the feelings of adoption. Mine have changed almost yearly, depending on what trend adoption is in at the time. Sometimes it is looked upon as a good thing, caring and accepted leading me to feel pretty good about it. Sometimes it is looked upon as the devil's work of money loving individuals who will coerce and lie in any way to make adoption happen leading me to such pain to think that some were forced to leave their children. The later just hurts my feeling because I am lumped into that group that is considered "brainwashed or just plain soulless" because I have a rather happy outlook on adoption. I really don't understand all the controversy that has irrupted in the last 10 years. Adoption truly is a cauldron of mixed opinions and voices that shows what an amazingly personal and heartfelt matter this is. Has it changed? Oh yes! It is now in an age were the whole world can read a plethora of information about all walks in the triad and sometimes, just too much information.
8. What are your thoughts about degrees of openness in adoption? How do you think different degrees of openness affect adopted children at different stages of development?
I am a big believer that a child should always know that they are adopted. Honesty is a quality everyone likes, so just because they are littler than us doesn't mean they would not appreciate the truth. Sometimes you have to allow the child to lead the way into knowing about their birth/natural parents. I believe that communication is THE key to open adoption.
If both sets of parents keep in contact and set rules that can be looked at frequently to determine what is needed in the child's life. I do think that a child can be overwhelmed by the whole thought of it, perhaps feel some kind of loyalty that they do not understand but do not dare question because they are the life givers. If the lines are open and the parents are on the same page it make it much easier to talk to the child and find out what the degrees are. But it definitely is changing all the time. I know that some birth/natural parents sometimes distance themselves which can make it difficult, but it is just another way to cope or heal for them...it's not to be read into too much. I remind you, I do not speak for all birth/natural parents, I only speak from my own experiences.
9. What are some challenges you have faced in your relationship with the children you placed and with those you're raising? (related to adoption or not)
Regarding adoption, the biggest challenge with my adopted children is the awkwardness of getting to know you. It is very stressful because you do not want to scare off, but you do not want to ignore the tough questions. Or just starting a conversation, that is also sometimes very difficult for me...I think too much.
Adoption and the children I am raising is talked about from time to time, but it is not always a subject. They ask questions about their siblings and I have always been straight forward with them. They both love the idea that there are siblings out there that want to meet them. They have a very good idea of what adoption is in my life, and they embrace that I have a big heart.
Other challenges not regarding adoption? Why there is always laundry, everyday! Keeping schedules, hurt feelings (those little faces try so hard to keep it together but when the tears come I just melt, then I am no good!), teaching perseverance, teaching how to clean up afterwards, how to keep my cool when I have already asked more than twice, and making sure they always know that I have their back...not matter what.
10. If you had it to do over again would you do anything differently?
I believe that if you live in the past you will always find something that did you wrong, but if you look ahead you can change those wrongs with what you have learned.
11. What would you like people to know about being a birth parent?
It is not an easy life to lead. It changes all the time. I just wrote the other day about how life moves on and sometimes you can be going along just fine, but then one thing...one thing will turn your world upside down because of adoption. I am not complaining about it, I am just saying that it is something that never goes away. I am proud of what my children's lives have turned into and I am fortunate enough to have the luxury of knowing them. I have always, always carried them with me, every step of the way. My children were wanted, they were loved and I did what I thought was the best that I could do for them at the time, and I am here to say that they are pretty terrific people!
12. Are there any resources you recommend for birth parents, adoptive parents, adoptees?
Tapestry Books is a fantastic resource for all things in adoption literature. I like to recommend the Internet, but I do not know your tastes. There are just so many out there, search around for a voice you can believe in and that keeps you thinking outside the box.
13. You say that "Adoption is God's love given twice." That's a very positive perspective. What is your response to people who have had horrible adoption experiences, either as birth parents, adoptees, or adoptive parents?
I speak from my experience only. I always say that, and I mean it. Sure, I am a little on the sweet side of the birth/natural mothers, but again I believe that it is what you do with your life that makes your character. I write to inspire those who need a voice they can believe in. I write to help birth/natural mothers feel not so alone in their journey, to remind them that no matter their story they are strong women. I write to help adoptive parents think differently about their birth/natural parents. I write to help adoptees who might be wondering if they were ever thought of so that I can say YES!, almost always YES! Sometimes just listening is what I do best.
The road is not always easy, and may not be the road you were expecting. But you have to have hope along with faith that you will make it through and perhaps you will find your peace.
14. Anything else you want to say?
I thank you so much for inviting me to do this! You have asked some very thought provoking questions, so much so I have been making notes as I answer because some of the things I want to touch on more in depth, so thanks for that as well. I feel very blessed and useful knowing that there are people out there who take an interest in what I say. If I can help just one person feel comfort, or feel validated, or feel differently about something I made them think about...well I consider myself very, very lucky.
Thank you, Kelsey!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Adoption Book Reading and Signing
I've been a fan of indy bookstores since I was old enough to buy my own books. It's a great thrill for me to now promote my own book at two local indy bookstores.
On Saturday, June 19th, I'll be signing copies of my adoption book What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective at 10:00 a.m. at Village Bookmarket in scenic Palmyra, NY. I expect to be highly enough caffeinated to do a few readings from the book, so I hope you'll join me for a visit to Village Bookmarket, "The Little Store that's BIG on Service."
207 East Main St., Palmyra, NY, 14522
(315)597-0210
www.VillageBookmarket.com
And at 4:00 p.m.on Sunday, July 25th, I'll be at Books, ETC. of beautiful Macedon, NY. I've worked in Macedon, hiked in Macedon, dined in Macedon, and now I'll be reading from my book in Macedon. I hope you can join me at John Cieslinki's fabulous store, Books, ETC.
78 W. Main St., Macedon NY, 14502
(585)474-4116
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
On Saturday, June 19th, I'll be signing copies of my adoption book What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective at 10:00 a.m. at Village Bookmarket in scenic Palmyra, NY. I expect to be highly enough caffeinated to do a few readings from the book, so I hope you'll join me for a visit to Village Bookmarket, "The Little Store that's BIG on Service."
207 East Main St., Palmyra, NY, 14522
(315)597-0210
www.VillageBookmarket.com
And at 4:00 p.m.on Sunday, July 25th, I'll be at Books, ETC. of beautiful Macedon, NY. I've worked in Macedon, hiked in Macedon, dined in Macedon, and now I'll be reading from my book in Macedon. I hope you can join me at John Cieslinki's fabulous store, Books, ETC.
78 W. Main St., Macedon NY, 14502
(585)474-4116
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Adoption is Simply a Way
Adoptive Momma of Two (AM2) posted a blog the other day called "What's the Alternative?" I began to post a reply, but my reply ran on, so I decided to post it here instead.
Here is an excerpt of her post.
I can feel the heat coming from this one already. I have no doubt the lurkers and anti adoption commenters will come out after what I am about to write. However, they are the persons who have inspired this post as I have been receiving my share of anti adoption emails lately. In the emails I am generally bombarded with hate and told my children will live a lifetime of suffering because of my acts as an adoptive parent. I am asked questions about how will I deal with issues my children (in their view) will undoubtedly face and (again in their view) the emotional turmoil and conflict they will encounter.
As a general rule, I ignore these emails and comments. I know my position on adoption and I do not feel a need to defend it. I am however curious, what's the alternative?
Here are some of the most common solutions offered by anti adoption movers.
Family preservation...
Government and community assistance...
Orphanages...
Abortion...
AM2 goes into more detail about each of the alternatives listed above, and I encourage you to read her thoughtful post. The comments AM2 received show that some people agree with her and others don't. No big surprise there.
This is my response to her post:
Thanks for writing this. The reality is that adoption is rooted in loss and there are losses rooted in adoption. Adoption, like any other parenting/family issue is not itself "good", "bad", "inadequate", "dangerous", or "a gift". Adoption itself is simply a way.
Adoption is a way of forming a family, a way of moving on, a way of changing relationships, a way of preserving oneself, a way of making it different... it's just a way. The power to hurt or heal isn't in adoption. It's in HOW we are as adopters, adoptees, and birth families.
It's in how we partner,
how we honor our children and their history,
how we honor our children and their present,
how we stretch ourselves to meet our kids where they are and help them hold their history intact,
how we tend their roots both past and present,
how we celebrate them for who they are, not for who we dreamed they might be,
how we uphold our promises,
how we give, and love, and accept without expectation.
Adoption itself is an event or a process. It's a beginning or an end. It's a choice among many. But it's not a snarling, pouncing, clawing, merciless beast. Nor is it a chaste, haloed, sublime, transcendent divinity. Yes, people are hurt by adoption, and yes, people are healed by adoption. But it's HOW we do adoption that makes the difference in our lives. Which makes adoption fundamentally no different than any other thing that changes who we are.
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Here is an excerpt of her post.
I can feel the heat coming from this one already. I have no doubt the lurkers and anti adoption commenters will come out after what I am about to write. However, they are the persons who have inspired this post as I have been receiving my share of anti adoption emails lately. In the emails I am generally bombarded with hate and told my children will live a lifetime of suffering because of my acts as an adoptive parent. I am asked questions about how will I deal with issues my children (in their view) will undoubtedly face and (again in their view) the emotional turmoil and conflict they will encounter.
As a general rule, I ignore these emails and comments. I know my position on adoption and I do not feel a need to defend it. I am however curious, what's the alternative?
Here are some of the most common solutions offered by anti adoption movers.
Family preservation...
Government and community assistance...
Orphanages...
Abortion...
AM2 goes into more detail about each of the alternatives listed above, and I encourage you to read her thoughtful post. The comments AM2 received show that some people agree with her and others don't. No big surprise there.
This is my response to her post:
Thanks for writing this. The reality is that adoption is rooted in loss and there are losses rooted in adoption. Adoption, like any other parenting/family issue is not itself "good", "bad", "inadequate", "dangerous", or "a gift". Adoption itself is simply a way.
Adoption is a way of forming a family, a way of moving on, a way of changing relationships, a way of preserving oneself, a way of making it different... it's just a way. The power to hurt or heal isn't in adoption. It's in HOW we are as adopters, adoptees, and birth families.
It's in how we partner,
how we honor our children and their history,
how we honor our children and their present,
how we stretch ourselves to meet our kids where they are and help them hold their history intact,
how we tend their roots both past and present,
how we celebrate them for who they are, not for who we dreamed they might be,
how we uphold our promises,
how we give, and love, and accept without expectation.
Adoption itself is an event or a process. It's a beginning or an end. It's a choice among many. But it's not a snarling, pouncing, clawing, merciless beast. Nor is it a chaste, haloed, sublime, transcendent divinity. Yes, people are hurt by adoption, and yes, people are healed by adoption. But it's HOW we do adoption that makes the difference in our lives. Which makes adoption fundamentally no different than any other thing that changes who we are.
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Adoption Book Featured in the Barnes & Noble (B&N) Catch a Rising Star Boutique
My adoption book What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective is now available through the Catch a Rising Star boutique section of Barnes and Noble online. Online ordering makes it easy to pick up a copy for anyone touched by adoption. :)
I am deeply grateful for the support and encouragement I have received (and continue to receive) from friends around the world and the cybersphere. Thank you all for making my world a little smaller and a lot more beautiful!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
I am deeply grateful for the support and encouragement I have received (and continue to receive) from friends around the world and the cybersphere. Thank you all for making my world a little smaller and a lot more beautiful!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Nominate Your Favorite Adoption Books
Adoptive Families magazine is seeking nominations for readers' favorite adoption books in the following categories:
1) Adoption memoirs
2) Adoption-friendly parenting books
3) Children's picture books about adoption
4) Children's books that celebrate diversity
5) Young-adult novels with an adoption storyline
6) Novels with an adoption storyline
Of course, I hope you'll cast a vote in the adoption-friendly parenting books category for my adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. I've been overwhelmed by reader response, and I'm extremely grateful. But I'd also like to know what books you would nominate for the other categories.
I'm thinking Ola Zuri's Why Can't You Look Like Me? for category #4, Kelsey Stewart's The Best for You for category #3, Katie DeCosse/Jackie Maher's Fifty Years in 13 Days and Ann Fessler's The Girls Who Went Away for category #1. Although Fessler's isn't an adoption memoir so much as it is birth mother memoir, I think it should be required reading for all prospective adoptive parents. I haven't read any from category #5 or #6. What's out there?
How to vote: E-mail the book title(s) you're nominating to letters@adoptivefamilies.com. Be sure to indicate which category, and they'd also like to know why you're nominating a particular book.
What other adoption books would you recommend?
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
1) Adoption memoirs
2) Adoption-friendly parenting books
3) Children's picture books about adoption
4) Children's books that celebrate diversity
5) Young-adult novels with an adoption storyline
6) Novels with an adoption storyline
Of course, I hope you'll cast a vote in the adoption-friendly parenting books category for my adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. I've been overwhelmed by reader response, and I'm extremely grateful. But I'd also like to know what books you would nominate for the other categories.
I'm thinking Ola Zuri's Why Can't You Look Like Me? for category #4, Kelsey Stewart's The Best for You for category #3, Katie DeCosse/Jackie Maher's Fifty Years in 13 Days and Ann Fessler's The Girls Who Went Away for category #1. Although Fessler's isn't an adoption memoir so much as it is birth mother memoir, I think it should be required reading for all prospective adoptive parents. I haven't read any from category #5 or #6. What's out there?
How to vote: E-mail the book title(s) you're nominating to letters@adoptivefamilies.com. Be sure to indicate which category, and they'd also like to know why you're nominating a particular book.
What other adoption books would you recommend?
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Open & Shut
To spend any time in the adoption cyber-community is to be convinced that birth parents (almost) always want more openness than adoptive parents. The staggering majority of blogging birth mothers and birth fathers are eager, sometimes desperate, for more contact, and they’re simply waiting, impatiently waiting, painfully waiting for invitation from the adoptive parents.
Many of the most vocal adoptees are in constant craving for a deeper connection with their first families.
I can relate. Most days I want more from my children’s birth families. Most days I want information, details, history, stories, updates, contact. I want responses to my emails. I want pictures of you. I want continuity that I don't have, that my kids don't have, that only you can provide.
Most days I'm uncertain. Have I asked for too much? Have I asked too soon? Have I gone too far, crossed a line, rattled a cage, cut a tightrope, popped a bubble? Did I step on a crack?
What happens next? And when is next? Is it now? Why not now?
Is that it?
Was it something I said?
Are you coming back?
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Many of the most vocal adoptees are in constant craving for a deeper connection with their first families.
I can relate. Most days I want more from my children’s birth families. Most days I want information, details, history, stories, updates, contact. I want responses to my emails. I want pictures of you. I want continuity that I don't have, that my kids don't have, that only you can provide.
Most days I'm uncertain. Have I asked for too much? Have I asked too soon? Have I gone too far, crossed a line, rattled a cage, cut a tightrope, popped a bubble? Did I step on a crack?
What happens next? And when is next? Is it now? Why not now?
Is that it?
Was it something I said?
Are you coming back?
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Winner of My Adoption Book...
... is Patti of (among other places)It's Just One Hat. Congratulations, Patti, and thanks to everyone who participated!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Calling All Adoption Book Authors
I receive several donation requests each week, and most of the requests are for an adoption book to raffle or auction off for a family or agency fundraiser. Obviously my book reflects my perspective as an adoptive parent, and I often think it would be nice to be able to donate a small collection of books that speak to the variety of needs and interests in the adoption community. Children's books, books written by birth mothers, books written by adoptees, by ?, etc.
So I'm inviting any adoption authors who are interested in collaborating to contact me through my email, info@theadoptiveparent.com. I'd like to know the title(s) of your book(s), your target reader, your experience with adoption, how many books you have available for donation, and any parameters you have on who receives them.
Make a great day!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting
So I'm inviting any adoption authors who are interested in collaborating to contact me through my email, info@theadoptiveparent.com. I'd like to know the title(s) of your book(s), your target reader, your experience with adoption, how many books you have available for donation, and any parameters you have on who receives them.
Make a great day!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Adoption Book Giveaway
Congratulations to... well, I can't say yet. I'm waiting for "winner's consent" before I post the winner of my adoption book giveaway with a link to her blog.
As soon as she gives me the green light I'll post it here. Sneak peek... from what I can tell from her blog, she's a doll. :)
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting
As soon as she gives me the green light I'll post it here. Sneak peek... from what I can tell from her blog, she's a doll. :)
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Monday, March 22, 2010
Open Adoption Bloggers: Interview With Desiree
I assumed I would enjoy the Open Adoption Bloggers Interview Project, and I have. I didn't expect to sow a new friendship, but I've done that too. It's been my great pleasure to interview Desiree of The Mommy Journals. Desiree is an adoptive mom to one daughter, "Sassy", age two. She describes her open adoption this way: "We're in an open adoption in that we have direct contact, know last names/addresses/phone #s/etc., schedule our own visits without the involvement of the agency, and email/text semi-regularly, etc."
Although we've never met in person, I think I'd be able to pick Desiree out of a crowd. She has a warmth and honesty and lightness I think my heart would recognize. Besides, she's so artsy-crafty that I bet she'd make adorable matching name tags for herself and her daughter :)
Enough about what I think of Desiree. You can meet her yourself right here:
Q. Where and why do you blog?
A. I write at The Mommy Journals, though I've had two previous adoption-related blogs. I wanted somewhere I could write about adoption along side of my "normal" daily life as a mom... so you'll find infertility, adoption, and ethics posts intertwined with posts about poop and picking raisins out of my daughter's nose. :) I also recently started Too Busy for TV, which is used to chronicle little crafts and other activities I do with my daughter, and hopefully inspire others with some new ideas!
Q. What advice would you give prospective adoptive parents about how to prepare themselves for adoption?
A. The best thing I did in preparing myself for the non-advertised side of adoption was to listen to the others' stories, especially the ugly ones. The ones that don't necessarily paint a rosy picture of adoption, but that tell it like it really is. That it is HARD. That it is SAD. And not just from the perspective of "waiting gets hard," but that the actual placement was much more difficult than what I'd expected it to be.
I think the most important thing is to just keep an open mind and know that it's okay if you come out on the other side a completely changed person from before. There were plenty of thoughts and ideals that I held at the beginning of our process, and as it turned out, I discovered I was wrong about a lot of things.:) I'm a totally different adoptive parent than I would have predicted at the beginning of the process. I hope I never lose that sense of wanting to learn and grow more, to be stretched in my thinking. Being on the post-placement side doesn't mean you cease to learn new things.
Q. Has anything about adoption surprised you or turned out differently than you expected?
A. There have been lots of things I wasn't prepared for until it happened... and still was left feeling inadequate. The one glaring example I keep coming back to is placement day. I'd read the books, heard the stories, met friends who'd been through it (on both sides), but I don't think anything could have fully prepared me for the sheer weight of emotion I felt that day and immediately after. I didn't expect to feel so alone and hopeless in the beginning. I didn't expect to cry for weeks on end. I didn't expect to be kept awake at night, worried about my daughter's other mother. I didn't expect to so deeply crave contact, in any form, from her.
In the fog surrounding the aftermath of Sassy's placement, I couldn't see ahead to a time when life would be normal again. How could it ever be? It was much like losing a beloved family member, in that it's the darkest imaginable possibility, unfolding before your eyes. I'm not ashamed to say that, among other things, I believe post-adoption depression came into play. I loved my tiny new daughter... but I wasn't in love with her yet. The healing process, and subsequently, the bonding experience took time. There was some outside pressure that tried to force it, but attachment had to happen on its own. Somewhere in my heart, I knew I would get there eventually. My husband was such a huge encourager to me through this. He knew the kind of mother I would be, even if I didn't yet.
Twenty-seven months later, Sassy and I couldn't be any more bonded than we are. She's glued to my hip from sun-up to sun-down (and sometimes after!), and I'm more amazed by her each day. The beginning was rough, but neither of us are worse for the wear.
Q. How did you come to choose open adoption over closed or international?
A. My husband and I chose domestic adoption over international fairly easily. We just couldn't quite swing the expense and travel requirements that generally accompanies international adoptions. We also didn't meet some criteria from a number of countries (for example, age), so this part was a no-brainer. I have a very clear memory from the initial days of reading and researching adoption, and saying to my husband "I can't see ever choosing open adoption. That's when you're basically co-parenting." Needless to say, I've come a long way in a few years! :)
When we actually learned what different levels of openness can entail, a lot of myths were dispelled for us. At the recommendation of the agency we used, we started out pursuing a "semi-open" adoption... and this is technically what Sassy's adoption is on paper. In practice, we run the gamut, from zero contact for months on end, to emailing, texting, visiting, and even chatting on the phone for an hour on a random evening (as happened recently).
The turning point, I think, came with the recognition that this was a woman who was entrusting us with her flesh and blood... and we couldn't entrust her with our last name and phone number? I do understand there are some circumstances that open is not the "best" option, but for Sassy's adoption, it has been. I can't thank God enough for allowing FirstMom to be a part of our family's life. I know the day will inevitably come when my child has questions that I cannot answer, but the door of communication will be open, and she'll have the opportunity for her own choices. What an empowering gift we can give our precious girl!
Q. What is your relationship with Sassy's birth father?
A. In a word? Complicated. BioDad was not involved in FirstMom's pregnancy beyond conception. He was not at the hospital when she was born. His name is not even on her original birth certificate, and it was FirstMom's last name she took upon birth. There have been many hurtful exchanges between them, and we've been caught more than once in the game of "He Said, She Said." It's hard not to automatically side with the person you know and love, but as Sassy's parents, we feel it's so vitally important to remain as neutral as possible. What has been done (or not done) cannot be changed, and nothing erases the fact that he is half of my child's heritage.
We didn't have a picture or even a name for months after Sassy was born. One day out of the blue, FirstMom decided to entrust us this information to us. I was so excited to have just one picture of him to save for my daughter. She would be able to see their matching deep blue eyes someday, even if he was never a part of her life. The months continued to pass. When Sassy was not quite one, we very suddenly found ourselves in the scariest adoption-related experience we've had to date. It became apparent that security was going to be an issue where BioDad was concerned. We knew the adoption was final, and we knew we had done nothing wrong or unethical... but it was still alarming. We had enough cause for concern that we put some distance between our family and BioDad, and eventually the issues blew over.
More than a year later, while visiting FirstMom, we had another unexpected turn of events. BioDad stopped by to meet his daughter (and her parents) for the first time. Sassy was nearly two years old by this point. I couldn't help but think of how much he'd missed out on already. We were a bundle of nerves, but at least I could say that I didn't have time to be worried in advance. All of a sudden, he was just there... so we had to go with it! The brief visit was cordial. There were a lot of nervous smiles and laughs from everyone, all of us staring at the same awkward elephant in the room. He was kind and respectful. He showed interest for the first time in moving forward together. He rattled off a few pieces of information he wanted us to know. I could kick myself now for not grabbing a pencil and paper and doing a full-on interview, but I believed that he would follow through in taking the next steps toward contact. He hasn't. He called to wish Sassy a happy birthday the following week, and hasn't been heard from since. All we can do is hope and pray that he eventually does reach out, in an appropriate manner. I wish I could give my daughter that gift, but it's solely in his hands.
Q. What about adoption is challenging to you?
A. Balance. Balance in everything. Positive vs. negative aspects of adoption. Realistic expectations vs. hopes and dreams for the future. Super open vs. hiding away for a while. Honest and direct answers vs. shielding your child from pain. The joy having a child brings vs. the pain of taking someone else's away. Telling people she's adopted vs. keeping information private. Genuine care and concern for your child's biological family vs. doing what you need to do in order to be the kind of parent your child needs. Talking about adoption regularly vs. just being a "normal" family. It's all a delicate balancing act with the most important person to me in a precarious position.
Q. What are your favorite books to read with your daughter?
A. I love books. I've loved books all my life. There are so many great stories that I can't wait to share with my daughter... but right now, she's two. :) So... we're all about the "Little Critter" series lately. "Curious George" anything is most assuredly a favorite. Dr. Seuss books always out. "Imogene's Antlers," "A Book of Hugs," "Click, Clack, Moo," "Growing Vegetable Soup," and "The Wind Blew" are all books I've read to her in the last 24 hours. We do a lot of reading here. :)
Q. How do you "unplug" when life gets too crazy?
A. If I've had a particularly challenging day at home, I'll hop in the car in the evening and run down to Dunkin' Donuts or Starbucks for a caramel iced coffee or white chocolate peppermint mocha. I love lounging around the house with my husband after Sassy goes to bed. We'll sit on the couch and watch a funny show (The Office is my favorite!), or lay in bed for a while before going to sleep... I read and my husband sits with his laptop. I've also been known to escape to a local craft store for an hour or so, and come home armed with supplies for a little DIY-stress relief. :) I've found these things are better than locking yourself in a closet in the fetal position. You tend to get some weird looks doing that.
Thank you, Desiree, for inviting me into your life. You've changed me by your presence, and I'm looking forward to growing our new friendshp.
Thanks, also, to Heather at Production not Reproduction for conceiving of this project and making it happen!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Although we've never met in person, I think I'd be able to pick Desiree out of a crowd. She has a warmth and honesty and lightness I think my heart would recognize. Besides, she's so artsy-crafty that I bet she'd make adorable matching name tags for herself and her daughter :)
Enough about what I think of Desiree. You can meet her yourself right here:
Q. Where and why do you blog?
A. I write at The Mommy Journals, though I've had two previous adoption-related blogs. I wanted somewhere I could write about adoption along side of my "normal" daily life as a mom... so you'll find infertility, adoption, and ethics posts intertwined with posts about poop and picking raisins out of my daughter's nose. :) I also recently started Too Busy for TV, which is used to chronicle little crafts and other activities I do with my daughter, and hopefully inspire others with some new ideas!
Q. What advice would you give prospective adoptive parents about how to prepare themselves for adoption?
A. The best thing I did in preparing myself for the non-advertised side of adoption was to listen to the others' stories, especially the ugly ones. The ones that don't necessarily paint a rosy picture of adoption, but that tell it like it really is. That it is HARD. That it is SAD. And not just from the perspective of "waiting gets hard," but that the actual placement was much more difficult than what I'd expected it to be.
I think the most important thing is to just keep an open mind and know that it's okay if you come out on the other side a completely changed person from before. There were plenty of thoughts and ideals that I held at the beginning of our process, and as it turned out, I discovered I was wrong about a lot of things.:) I'm a totally different adoptive parent than I would have predicted at the beginning of the process. I hope I never lose that sense of wanting to learn and grow more, to be stretched in my thinking. Being on the post-placement side doesn't mean you cease to learn new things.
Q. Has anything about adoption surprised you or turned out differently than you expected?
A. There have been lots of things I wasn't prepared for until it happened... and still was left feeling inadequate. The one glaring example I keep coming back to is placement day. I'd read the books, heard the stories, met friends who'd been through it (on both sides), but I don't think anything could have fully prepared me for the sheer weight of emotion I felt that day and immediately after. I didn't expect to feel so alone and hopeless in the beginning. I didn't expect to cry for weeks on end. I didn't expect to be kept awake at night, worried about my daughter's other mother. I didn't expect to so deeply crave contact, in any form, from her.
In the fog surrounding the aftermath of Sassy's placement, I couldn't see ahead to a time when life would be normal again. How could it ever be? It was much like losing a beloved family member, in that it's the darkest imaginable possibility, unfolding before your eyes. I'm not ashamed to say that, among other things, I believe post-adoption depression came into play. I loved my tiny new daughter... but I wasn't in love with her yet. The healing process, and subsequently, the bonding experience took time. There was some outside pressure that tried to force it, but attachment had to happen on its own. Somewhere in my heart, I knew I would get there eventually. My husband was such a huge encourager to me through this. He knew the kind of mother I would be, even if I didn't yet.
Twenty-seven months later, Sassy and I couldn't be any more bonded than we are. She's glued to my hip from sun-up to sun-down (and sometimes after!), and I'm more amazed by her each day. The beginning was rough, but neither of us are worse for the wear.
Q. How did you come to choose open adoption over closed or international?
A. My husband and I chose domestic adoption over international fairly easily. We just couldn't quite swing the expense and travel requirements that generally accompanies international adoptions. We also didn't meet some criteria from a number of countries (for example, age), so this part was a no-brainer. I have a very clear memory from the initial days of reading and researching adoption, and saying to my husband "I can't see ever choosing open adoption. That's when you're basically co-parenting." Needless to say, I've come a long way in a few years! :)
When we actually learned what different levels of openness can entail, a lot of myths were dispelled for us. At the recommendation of the agency we used, we started out pursuing a "semi-open" adoption... and this is technically what Sassy's adoption is on paper. In practice, we run the gamut, from zero contact for months on end, to emailing, texting, visiting, and even chatting on the phone for an hour on a random evening (as happened recently).
The turning point, I think, came with the recognition that this was a woman who was entrusting us with her flesh and blood... and we couldn't entrust her with our last name and phone number? I do understand there are some circumstances that open is not the "best" option, but for Sassy's adoption, it has been. I can't thank God enough for allowing FirstMom to be a part of our family's life. I know the day will inevitably come when my child has questions that I cannot answer, but the door of communication will be open, and she'll have the opportunity for her own choices. What an empowering gift we can give our precious girl!
Q. What is your relationship with Sassy's birth father?
A. In a word? Complicated. BioDad was not involved in FirstMom's pregnancy beyond conception. He was not at the hospital when she was born. His name is not even on her original birth certificate, and it was FirstMom's last name she took upon birth. There have been many hurtful exchanges between them, and we've been caught more than once in the game of "He Said, She Said." It's hard not to automatically side with the person you know and love, but as Sassy's parents, we feel it's so vitally important to remain as neutral as possible. What has been done (or not done) cannot be changed, and nothing erases the fact that he is half of my child's heritage.
We didn't have a picture or even a name for months after Sassy was born. One day out of the blue, FirstMom decided to entrust us this information to us. I was so excited to have just one picture of him to save for my daughter. She would be able to see their matching deep blue eyes someday, even if he was never a part of her life. The months continued to pass. When Sassy was not quite one, we very suddenly found ourselves in the scariest adoption-related experience we've had to date. It became apparent that security was going to be an issue where BioDad was concerned. We knew the adoption was final, and we knew we had done nothing wrong or unethical... but it was still alarming. We had enough cause for concern that we put some distance between our family and BioDad, and eventually the issues blew over.
More than a year later, while visiting FirstMom, we had another unexpected turn of events. BioDad stopped by to meet his daughter (and her parents) for the first time. Sassy was nearly two years old by this point. I couldn't help but think of how much he'd missed out on already. We were a bundle of nerves, but at least I could say that I didn't have time to be worried in advance. All of a sudden, he was just there... so we had to go with it! The brief visit was cordial. There were a lot of nervous smiles and laughs from everyone, all of us staring at the same awkward elephant in the room. He was kind and respectful. He showed interest for the first time in moving forward together. He rattled off a few pieces of information he wanted us to know. I could kick myself now for not grabbing a pencil and paper and doing a full-on interview, but I believed that he would follow through in taking the next steps toward contact. He hasn't. He called to wish Sassy a happy birthday the following week, and hasn't been heard from since. All we can do is hope and pray that he eventually does reach out, in an appropriate manner. I wish I could give my daughter that gift, but it's solely in his hands.
Q. What about adoption is challenging to you?
A. Balance. Balance in everything. Positive vs. negative aspects of adoption. Realistic expectations vs. hopes and dreams for the future. Super open vs. hiding away for a while. Honest and direct answers vs. shielding your child from pain. The joy having a child brings vs. the pain of taking someone else's away. Telling people she's adopted vs. keeping information private. Genuine care and concern for your child's biological family vs. doing what you need to do in order to be the kind of parent your child needs. Talking about adoption regularly vs. just being a "normal" family. It's all a delicate balancing act with the most important person to me in a precarious position.
Q. What are your favorite books to read with your daughter?
A. I love books. I've loved books all my life. There are so many great stories that I can't wait to share with my daughter... but right now, she's two. :) So... we're all about the "Little Critter" series lately. "Curious George" anything is most assuredly a favorite. Dr. Seuss books always out. "Imogene's Antlers," "A Book of Hugs," "Click, Clack, Moo," "Growing Vegetable Soup," and "The Wind Blew" are all books I've read to her in the last 24 hours. We do a lot of reading here. :)
Q. How do you "unplug" when life gets too crazy?
A. If I've had a particularly challenging day at home, I'll hop in the car in the evening and run down to Dunkin' Donuts or Starbucks for a caramel iced coffee or white chocolate peppermint mocha. I love lounging around the house with my husband after Sassy goes to bed. We'll sit on the couch and watch a funny show (The Office is my favorite!), or lay in bed for a while before going to sleep... I read and my husband sits with his laptop. I've also been known to escape to a local craft store for an hour or so, and come home armed with supplies for a little DIY-stress relief. :) I've found these things are better than locking yourself in a closet in the fetal position. You tend to get some weird looks doing that.
Thank you, Desiree, for inviting me into your life. You've changed me by your presence, and I'm looking forward to growing our new friendshp.
Thanks, also, to Heather at Production not Reproduction for conceiving of this project and making it happen!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Saturday, March 13, 2010
One More Week to Win Adoption Book
This is the final week of my adoption book giveaway, and things are heating up! Thanks to all of you who have emailed your thoughts to me. That reminds me. I didn't mention email entries in my previous post, but certainly, email counts. I appreciate that those of you who wanted to share took advantage of email as a more private way of talking with me.
Here's a recap of the details:
The topic for my keynote address at the Parenthood for Me (PFM) Family Building Dinner on April 10th is going to be Birthparents: The Hidden Treasure of Adoption.
I'm giving away a signed copy of my book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. How can you get your name in the drawing?
Sign up to follow my blog. (1 entry)
Refer someone else who signs up to follow my blog. (1 entry)
Tell me about your relationship with your own or your child's birthparents.
(2 entries) For example, Do you have one? What difference does it make for your family? How does it benefit you or your child? (or if you don't have a relationship, what impact does this have?) Have your thoughts or feelings about birthparents in general and yours or your child's, specifically, changed over time? In what ways?
Let your child tell me, in their own words, about their relationship with their birthparents and what it means to them. (3 entries)
Buy a ticket for the PFM dinner or make a donation to Parenthood for Me. (2 entries)
There is no limit to the number of times your name can be entered. This phase of the giveaway will be open until March 19th. Good luck!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Here's a recap of the details:
The topic for my keynote address at the Parenthood for Me (PFM) Family Building Dinner on April 10th is going to be Birthparents: The Hidden Treasure of Adoption.
I'm giving away a signed copy of my book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. How can you get your name in the drawing?
Sign up to follow my blog. (1 entry)
Refer someone else who signs up to follow my blog. (1 entry)
Tell me about your relationship with your own or your child's birthparents.
(2 entries) For example, Do you have one? What difference does it make for your family? How does it benefit you or your child? (or if you don't have a relationship, what impact does this have?) Have your thoughts or feelings about birthparents in general and yours or your child's, specifically, changed over time? In what ways?
Let your child tell me, in their own words, about their relationship with their birthparents and what it means to them. (3 entries)
Buy a ticket for the PFM dinner or make a donation to Parenthood for Me. (2 entries)
There is no limit to the number of times your name can be entered. This phase of the giveaway will be open until March 19th. Good luck!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Monday, March 8, 2010
Openness Is a State of Mind
I think something's missing from the collective "openness in adoption" discussion, and I think it's something we can't afford to miss. It's this: before it's anything else, openness is a state of mind.
True openness is acknowledging and respecting the whole of the adoption experience. It's inviting in the entirety of adoption and really meaning it.
For adoptive parents it means so much more than pictures and letters and annual visits with birth family.
It means not just listening, but being genuinely interested in what your adopted child has to say about adoption.
It means believing that your child's experience is (and will always be) different than yours, and accepting that even though you love them, even though they love you, even though they wouldn't want any parents other than you, they have lost people, places and things that matter.
For some adoptive parents, it means accepting that even though you love them, they may not love you the same way, and they may want parents other than you, and as difficult as that is for you, they don't "owe" you anything anymore than biological children "owe" their parents anything. Really not.
It means embracing your child as who they are and celebrating everyone and everything that shapes them - your personal feelings aside.
It means showing (not just telling) your child from day 1 that family is a safe place. It means showing (not just telling) your child how how to explore deep, confusing feelings without falling apart. It means showing (not just telling)your child that you're not threatened by their feelings for anyone else.
It means encouraging your child to think and feel whatever, whenever, however they need to as long as it's not destructive.
It means being mature enough to understand that whatever thoughts, feelings, wishes, fantasies, and experiences there are between your child and their birth family is about them, not you.
It means wanting more than anything for your child to live fully and authentically and always with the certainty of being loved.
It means seeking out other voices - other adoptive parents, adoptees, birth mothers, birth fathers, birth family - and really listening to what they have to say, especially if it's uncomfortable or painful. It means being secure enough to thoughtfully consider their perspective without scurrying into the emotional safety zone of "Oh, that's not going to happen to my child." or "Well, they're just that group of bitter, victims-by-choice."
It means accepting that at some point your precious darling child may self-identify as a bastard.
It means never taking responsibility for your child's feelings and never expecting them to take responsibility for yours.
It means having the confidence that children need their parents to have. It means being very clear about your role as Mom or Dad and very clear about the permanence of your family, because sometimes your child won't be, and if you're not either, it's going to freak them out and do some serious damage.
It means recognizing that everyone experiences life differently. Everyone experiences adoption differently. Everyone experiences parenthood differently. It means getting very comfortable with the fact that you don't speak for anyone but yourself. No one does.
Which is why after thinking a lot about what an open state of mind means for adoptees or birth family, I conclude that I really haven't a clue.
Purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
True openness is acknowledging and respecting the whole of the adoption experience. It's inviting in the entirety of adoption and really meaning it.
For adoptive parents it means so much more than pictures and letters and annual visits with birth family.
It means not just listening, but being genuinely interested in what your adopted child has to say about adoption.
It means believing that your child's experience is (and will always be) different than yours, and accepting that even though you love them, even though they love you, even though they wouldn't want any parents other than you, they have lost people, places and things that matter.
For some adoptive parents, it means accepting that even though you love them, they may not love you the same way, and they may want parents other than you, and as difficult as that is for you, they don't "owe" you anything anymore than biological children "owe" their parents anything. Really not.
It means embracing your child as who they are and celebrating everyone and everything that shapes them - your personal feelings aside.
It means showing (not just telling) your child from day 1 that family is a safe place. It means showing (not just telling) your child how how to explore deep, confusing feelings without falling apart. It means showing (not just telling)your child that you're not threatened by their feelings for anyone else.
It means encouraging your child to think and feel whatever, whenever, however they need to as long as it's not destructive.
It means being mature enough to understand that whatever thoughts, feelings, wishes, fantasies, and experiences there are between your child and their birth family is about them, not you.
It means wanting more than anything for your child to live fully and authentically and always with the certainty of being loved.
It means seeking out other voices - other adoptive parents, adoptees, birth mothers, birth fathers, birth family - and really listening to what they have to say, especially if it's uncomfortable or painful. It means being secure enough to thoughtfully consider their perspective without scurrying into the emotional safety zone of "Oh, that's not going to happen to my child." or "Well, they're just that group of bitter, victims-by-choice."
It means accepting that at some point your precious darling child may self-identify as a bastard.
It means never taking responsibility for your child's feelings and never expecting them to take responsibility for yours.
It means having the confidence that children need their parents to have. It means being very clear about your role as Mom or Dad and very clear about the permanence of your family, because sometimes your child won't be, and if you're not either, it's going to freak them out and do some serious damage.
It means recognizing that everyone experiences life differently. Everyone experiences adoption differently. Everyone experiences parenthood differently. It means getting very comfortable with the fact that you don't speak for anyone but yourself. No one does.
Which is why after thinking a lot about what an open state of mind means for adoptees or birth family, I conclude that I really haven't a clue.
Purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)