As part of Open Adoption Roundtable #4, Heather at Production Not Reproduction asks open adoption bloggers to describe “a small moment that open adoption made possible.”
We were at the hospital when our son was born, and ever since, I've been secretly hung up on his birth mother's reaction to him. She seemed... casual... almost indifferent. I spoke with her privately and let her know that if she had changed her mind or had ANY doubts about proceeding with the adoption, then maybe this wasn't our child, and we would understand. She assured me that she had no doubts.
And yet, she only went to the nursery (reluctantly) at her mother's urging, and she never once asked to hold him or feed him. I wondered if she was trying not to get attached. I wondered if she felt good about her decision to place him but regretted choosing my husband and me. I wondered if she was on serious pain medication. I wondered if she had mental health issues. I wondered how anyone could resist his tiny, soft, warm innocence and his sweet little head.
I think of her every day for many reasons. As the weeks passed my gratitude deepened, but still, I wondered, and in the weeks leading up to our reunion I was outright anxious and apprehensive.
Happy ending ahead... as soon as she saw him she broke into a grin and reached for him. I got to spend the entire afternoon watching her coo and rub noses with him, make silly faces and giggle about his wispy hair. And best of all, she smiled every time someone said he looks like her. A really big, proud, happy smile.
I didn't realize how much I needed to see that. She gave me so much, but I guess I wanted that too. I needed to see her with him as much as she needed to see him with me. Thanks to openness, we both got what we were looking for.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
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Showing posts with label open. Show all posts
Showing posts with label open. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
The Secrets That We Keep
Openness in adoption is no longer a novel discussion, but a conversation with a friend has got me wondering how degrees of separation bear on degrees of openness? For example, what if the birth parents want ongoing contact with the child, but the birth grandparents or siblings want to remain anonymous? What if the grandparents are the ones who want contact and the birth parents are against it?
Or in my friend's case: Her cousin, Jim, was adopted at birth and has never expressed any interest in finding his birth parents. Although the adoption was closed, Jim's mother accidentally found out who is birth mother is, that she lives in the next town over, and that knows that she had another son after placing Jim for adoption. The birth mother has raised the second son to adulthood. Neither Jim nor his birth mother are aware that Jim's mother (and several other family members) has this information.
The question is, should someone enlighten Jim against his parents' wishes?
Arguments for: Jim is an adult. He was raised as an only child, and his parents are elderly. Wouldn't it be great for him to find out that he has a brother? Doesn't he deserve to know that his birth mother lives nearby? Although he hasn't expressed any interest in finding his birth parents, he might feel differently about a bio sibling. Give him the information and let him decide what to do or not do. If he finds out later that his family knew all along, he may feel hurt, angry, etc. that he was the last to know.
Arguments against: The adoption was closed. His birth family shouldn't have their privacy compromised just because his parents accidentally have information they're not supposed to have. He's never been interested in finding his birth parents, and surely he's considered the possibility that he has bio siblings. If he finds out that his birth mother raised her other son, he may feel deeply hurt, rejected, etc. His parents are squarely against the idea.
What do you think?
Here's a beautiful quote from The Daily Hailey Report blog:
"We believe in a birthmother's right to choose. If she has the courage to place, she has the wisdom and right to choose her child's parents."
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
Or in my friend's case: Her cousin, Jim, was adopted at birth and has never expressed any interest in finding his birth parents. Although the adoption was closed, Jim's mother accidentally found out who is birth mother is, that she lives in the next town over, and that knows that she had another son after placing Jim for adoption. The birth mother has raised the second son to adulthood. Neither Jim nor his birth mother are aware that Jim's mother (and several other family members) has this information.
The question is, should someone enlighten Jim against his parents' wishes?
Arguments for: Jim is an adult. He was raised as an only child, and his parents are elderly. Wouldn't it be great for him to find out that he has a brother? Doesn't he deserve to know that his birth mother lives nearby? Although he hasn't expressed any interest in finding his birth parents, he might feel differently about a bio sibling. Give him the information and let him decide what to do or not do. If he finds out later that his family knew all along, he may feel hurt, angry, etc. that he was the last to know.
Arguments against: The adoption was closed. His birth family shouldn't have their privacy compromised just because his parents accidentally have information they're not supposed to have. He's never been interested in finding his birth parents, and surely he's considered the possibility that he has bio siblings. If he finds out that his birth mother raised her other son, he may feel deeply hurt, rejected, etc. His parents are squarely against the idea.
What do you think?
Here's a beautiful quote from The Daily Hailey Report blog:
"We believe in a birthmother's right to choose. If she has the courage to place, she has the wisdom and right to choose her child's parents."
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
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