I have learned that...
Some women do not want to parent.
Sometimes it's not a matter of money, health, opportunity, support, abuse, religion, coercion, safety, addiction, education, employment, or peer & family pressure.
Some women choose adoption in order to pursue their goals unfettered.
Some women find it a relief to make an adoption plan for their child.
Some women who are personally and situationally capable of parenting are flatly not interested in doing so.
Reality is independent of what I want to believe.
If you hurt, you hurt, If I hurt, I hurt. Neither of us has to justify our pain to the other.
There are choices I will never understand.
I believe that...
These women have as much right to make an adoption plan as a woman has to NOT make an adoption plan.
A woman (with or without means) is no more "wrong" for choosing adoption than a woman (with or without means) is "wrong" for choosing to raise her child.
These women are no more deserving than any other woman of being called "cold, callous, heartless, disturbed, sick, twisted, dysfunctional, ignorant, easily-led, weak, cruel, unnatural, or pathetic."
None of us can inhabit the heart, mind or shoes of another.
Von, who takes a lot of fire for speaking freely, is right. Collectively, we need to show more empathy, so that every voice may be heard.
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Friday, August 27, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Summer Interview Series - Birthmothertalks
Welcome to the eighth installment of my Summer Interview Series. Throughout the summer I'm posting interviews with people touched by adoption. I hope that you will enjoy learning about them as much as I have. Please let me know if you would like to participate or would like to suggest someone else for me to interview.
This week - Birthmothertalks
How has your life been touched by adoption?
I am a birthmother from the time when it was more common for closed adoptions. Last Oct, I found my daughter on a social network and we are in contact. So, far, it's only in the form of electronic contact. However, I don't blog about it in my open blog. It's private.
How did you come to make an adoption plan for Izzy?
I was scared and hid the whole pregnancy. I was only 15 when she was born. My Mom suggested and basically forced me to give her up for adoption. My Mom's sister who knew someone who wasn't able to get pregnant and they became the parents of my daughter.
How do you feel today about your decision to relinquish?
I seriously regret it. I have never gotten over my grief and the shame of not raising my daughter. I feel like not facing my reality of being pregnant and weighing my options has increased my sadness and also probably made it more likely that she was adopted out. I was in the hospital and wasn't able to have contact with my Dad who most likely would have helped me raise my daughter.
How has your life since placement compared with what you thought it would be like?
Adoption was thrown at me so fast... I don't know if I ever had an impression of how it would be like. but I do remember thinking that once I had my first raised child that I would be over the loss. It took both of my sons and years later to see that having more babies didn't ease my pain. If anything it made it worse. I would be loving a special moment and think of how my daughter was missing from our life.
You wrote this in one of your recent blog posts:
I have been trying to be more supportive of the birthmother's. I feel that is where my support should be. It's not that I can't read and comment on adoptive parents blogs, but if I am going to comment and try to support then it should be with birthmother's. Because the road a birth mother must travel on after parting ways with her child is very lonely.
It sounds as though you need to choose to be supportive of either birth mothers or adoptive parents; you can't support both. I'm quite struck by your perception that it is an "either-or" proposition. I'm curious why you can't do both. I can speculate, but would you mind sharing your thoughts?
I know I can support both birthparents and adoptive parents but I think I was falling into of a pattern of reading and commenting more on the adoptive Mommies blogs because I think we as a society only want to really talk about the good stuff. If you take the time to see how many follow adoptive Mom's blogs compared to birthmother's. You might see that the adoptive parents see quite a bit more support by comments.
Also, I can't always be sincere and saying that I hope you are picked soon or that the adoption goes through. Because, what I really am thinking is how I hope the women find a way to parent their own child. I kind of feel like hoping someone gets to bring home a baby by adoption is hoping a woman loses a baby to adoption. I got to thinking back to the day that I finally told everyone that I have contact with my daughter and I didn't get tons and tons of people telling me how excited they were for me. However, to the credit of some adoptive Mom's that I felt like I really connected with, I had already shared my news with them.
What do you think adoptive parents want from birth mothers? That is an hard one. I would have to say to be open and honest and understanding of each other from the beginning.
What do you want adoptive parents to know about your experience as a birth mother? I want adoptive parents in general to know that even though a Mom chooses adoption because she feel it's the best for her baby.. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love him or her. Also, if the Mom is grieving because of the adoption that it doesn't mean that they are upset about your skills about parenting. It's more about how they miss the child and feel a loss for them.
I think they should know that when it comes to meeting and accepting a match for adoption of a child to only agree to the level of what you feel that you can handle. It's very depressing to live day by day not knowing if your child is alive and being taken care of. It's hard to wonder if you seen your child would you know it was this. For me... I took it as something personal that was wrong with me. Like they didn't trust that I wouldn't steal her away from them. I love my daughter so much. I could never rip her away from them to heal my heart.
Lastly, adoption and my daughter have been shoved under the rug. No one spoke of her for years.
Are there any adoption-related books or publications you recommend? I am glad that you have asked. I have blogged about some. I really enjoy reading about adoption from all sides of adoption. It gives me a sense of being normal. Someone else felt the same thing and it made me feel more normal. Here is a handful of books that I have enjoyed reading. I know I am missing some but here is the list that I could come up with.
The Red Thread by Ann Hood
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler
Giving away Simone by Jan Waldon
The Adoption Reader.. birthmothers.. adoptive mothers and adopted daughters tell their story by Susan Wadia-Ells
Birthmothers by Merry Bloch, jones
Letters to my Birthmother by Amy Dean
The Other Sister by S.T.Underdahl
I know this isn't a question but I have a few final thoughts to add... Before blogging about adoption, I spent most of the years as a birthmother alone in the dark. My daughter was barely mentioned. My friends never knew about my daughter. Most of my family knew but choose not to discuss her or even let on that they knew about her. My daughter was born on Sept. 11 1991. When the attacks happened on 9/11 in 2001, it changed how often I thought of my daughter. It stole her birthday. My daughter's birthday was slammed together with the attacks. I had a really hard time and her birthdays started getting harder to deal with compared to getting easier.
Sometimes, I might come across as Anti adoption. I am not. I am also not praising how wonderful adoption is. I know it can be beautiful but at the cost of loss so deep that most people can't begin to comprehend the pain involved for the birthmother and from reading the adoptee too. I fall somewhere in the middle. I understand that sometimes adoption is the best choice. My brain understands this but my heart screams no!!!
What bugs me the most is how much people pay to adopt a child. I wonder how can the business be unbiased when they stand to make a profit if a women considering adoption choose adoption. It makes me sad to see people wanting to adopt to raise the funds from friends and family, because in a lot of cases if the birthparent had that same support either money or emotional support she could parent her own child.
Lastly, I want to mention how blogging about adoption has given me a voice to express my thoughts and sadness over adoption. I have connected with people from all sides of adoption. All sides have helped me in one way or another. The best friendship that has happened as a result of blogging was a birthmother who reached out to me when I needed someone the most. It was amazing to be able to talk to someone who really understood what I have been going through. We don't talk often enough but when we do... we sometimes finish each others sentences because we have both been there.
Thanks for your interest in my story.
Thank you!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
This week - Birthmothertalks
How has your life been touched by adoption?
I am a birthmother from the time when it was more common for closed adoptions. Last Oct, I found my daughter on a social network and we are in contact. So, far, it's only in the form of electronic contact. However, I don't blog about it in my open blog. It's private.
How did you come to make an adoption plan for Izzy?
I was scared and hid the whole pregnancy. I was only 15 when she was born. My Mom suggested and basically forced me to give her up for adoption. My Mom's sister who knew someone who wasn't able to get pregnant and they became the parents of my daughter.
How do you feel today about your decision to relinquish?
I seriously regret it. I have never gotten over my grief and the shame of not raising my daughter. I feel like not facing my reality of being pregnant and weighing my options has increased my sadness and also probably made it more likely that she was adopted out. I was in the hospital and wasn't able to have contact with my Dad who most likely would have helped me raise my daughter.
How has your life since placement compared with what you thought it would be like?
Adoption was thrown at me so fast... I don't know if I ever had an impression of how it would be like. but I do remember thinking that once I had my first raised child that I would be over the loss. It took both of my sons and years later to see that having more babies didn't ease my pain. If anything it made it worse. I would be loving a special moment and think of how my daughter was missing from our life.
You wrote this in one of your recent blog posts:
I have been trying to be more supportive of the birthmother's. I feel that is where my support should be. It's not that I can't read and comment on adoptive parents blogs, but if I am going to comment and try to support then it should be with birthmother's. Because the road a birth mother must travel on after parting ways with her child is very lonely.
It sounds as though you need to choose to be supportive of either birth mothers or adoptive parents; you can't support both. I'm quite struck by your perception that it is an "either-or" proposition. I'm curious why you can't do both. I can speculate, but would you mind sharing your thoughts?
I know I can support both birthparents and adoptive parents but I think I was falling into of a pattern of reading and commenting more on the adoptive Mommies blogs because I think we as a society only want to really talk about the good stuff. If you take the time to see how many follow adoptive Mom's blogs compared to birthmother's. You might see that the adoptive parents see quite a bit more support by comments.
Also, I can't always be sincere and saying that I hope you are picked soon or that the adoption goes through. Because, what I really am thinking is how I hope the women find a way to parent their own child. I kind of feel like hoping someone gets to bring home a baby by adoption is hoping a woman loses a baby to adoption. I got to thinking back to the day that I finally told everyone that I have contact with my daughter and I didn't get tons and tons of people telling me how excited they were for me. However, to the credit of some adoptive Mom's that I felt like I really connected with, I had already shared my news with them.
What do you think adoptive parents want from birth mothers? That is an hard one. I would have to say to be open and honest and understanding of each other from the beginning.
What do you want adoptive parents to know about your experience as a birth mother? I want adoptive parents in general to know that even though a Mom chooses adoption because she feel it's the best for her baby.. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love him or her. Also, if the Mom is grieving because of the adoption that it doesn't mean that they are upset about your skills about parenting. It's more about how they miss the child and feel a loss for them.
I think they should know that when it comes to meeting and accepting a match for adoption of a child to only agree to the level of what you feel that you can handle. It's very depressing to live day by day not knowing if your child is alive and being taken care of. It's hard to wonder if you seen your child would you know it was this. For me... I took it as something personal that was wrong with me. Like they didn't trust that I wouldn't steal her away from them. I love my daughter so much. I could never rip her away from them to heal my heart.
Lastly, adoption and my daughter have been shoved under the rug. No one spoke of her for years.
Are there any adoption-related books or publications you recommend? I am glad that you have asked. I have blogged about some. I really enjoy reading about adoption from all sides of adoption. It gives me a sense of being normal. Someone else felt the same thing and it made me feel more normal. Here is a handful of books that I have enjoyed reading. I know I am missing some but here is the list that I could come up with.
The Red Thread by Ann Hood
The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler
Giving away Simone by Jan Waldon
The Adoption Reader.. birthmothers.. adoptive mothers and adopted daughters tell their story by Susan Wadia-Ells
Birthmothers by Merry Bloch, jones
Letters to my Birthmother by Amy Dean
The Other Sister by S.T.Underdahl
I know this isn't a question but I have a few final thoughts to add... Before blogging about adoption, I spent most of the years as a birthmother alone in the dark. My daughter was barely mentioned. My friends never knew about my daughter. Most of my family knew but choose not to discuss her or even let on that they knew about her. My daughter was born on Sept. 11 1991. When the attacks happened on 9/11 in 2001, it changed how often I thought of my daughter. It stole her birthday. My daughter's birthday was slammed together with the attacks. I had a really hard time and her birthdays started getting harder to deal with compared to getting easier.
Sometimes, I might come across as Anti adoption. I am not. I am also not praising how wonderful adoption is. I know it can be beautiful but at the cost of loss so deep that most people can't begin to comprehend the pain involved for the birthmother and from reading the adoptee too. I fall somewhere in the middle. I understand that sometimes adoption is the best choice. My brain understands this but my heart screams no!!!
What bugs me the most is how much people pay to adopt a child. I wonder how can the business be unbiased when they stand to make a profit if a women considering adoption choose adoption. It makes me sad to see people wanting to adopt to raise the funds from friends and family, because in a lot of cases if the birthparent had that same support either money or emotional support she could parent her own child.
Lastly, I want to mention how blogging about adoption has given me a voice to express my thoughts and sadness over adoption. I have connected with people from all sides of adoption. All sides have helped me in one way or another. The best friendship that has happened as a result of blogging was a birthmother who reached out to me when I needed someone the most. It was amazing to be able to talk to someone who really understood what I have been going through. We don't talk often enough but when we do... we sometimes finish each others sentences because we have both been there.
Thanks for your interest in my story.
Thank you!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Adoption Book in the News
Many thanks to Steve Vogt for highlighting my book in his Democrat and Chronicle.com article Northeast residents, places make news.
Steve's weekly column features news and notes about the people and communities Northeast of Rochester. I encourage you to dig around in his Past Columns section. It's a great place to wander.
Thanks, Steve, for the mention!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Steve's weekly column features news and notes about the people and communities Northeast of Rochester. I encourage you to dig around in his Past Columns section. It's a great place to wander.
Thanks, Steve, for the mention!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Adoption and Your Child's Privacy
Andi at One Sweet Family has a post up about adoption and privacy. I agree with everything she says, and I want to share it with you.
Make a great day!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Make a great day!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Adoption Book Signing August 21, 2010
If you will be anywhere between Rochester and Buffalo this Saturday, August 21st, please join me at The Book Shoppe in historic downtown Medina, NY. I'll be there from 11:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. to discuss and sign copies of my book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. But wait. There's more!
The Book Shoppe is soooooooooo much more than a book store. In fact, it's everything that's great about indie bookstores. Besides books, Sue and Roland (the owners) offer a variety of flavored coffee, teas, gift items, stationery, greeting cards, toys, games, and custom-made gift baskets. As soon as you walk in you'll feel like you belong there, and it's nearly impossible to leave without making at least one new friend.
The Book Shoppe has a huge selection of books, including "New York Times" best sellers, and if you don't find what you're looking for in the store, Sue will happily place a special order for you.
Come out this Saturday. Any weather is book weather, and I'd love to have a nice warm (or iced) cuppa with you!
The Book Shoppe
519 Main Street
Medina NY 14103
585- 798-3642
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
The Book Shoppe is soooooooooo much more than a book store. In fact, it's everything that's great about indie bookstores. Besides books, Sue and Roland (the owners) offer a variety of flavored coffee, teas, gift items, stationery, greeting cards, toys, games, and custom-made gift baskets. As soon as you walk in you'll feel like you belong there, and it's nearly impossible to leave without making at least one new friend.
The Book Shoppe has a huge selection of books, including "New York Times" best sellers, and if you don't find what you're looking for in the store, Sue will happily place a special order for you.
Come out this Saturday. Any weather is book weather, and I'd love to have a nice warm (or iced) cuppa with you!
The Book Shoppe
519 Main Street
Medina NY 14103
585- 798-3642
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Summer Interview Series - Von
Welcome to the seventh installment of my Summer Interview Series. Throughout the summer I'm posting interviews with people who have experienced adoption. I hope that you will enjoy learning about them as much as I have. Please let me know if you would like to participate or would like to suggest someone else for me to interview.
This week - Von
How has your life been changed by adoption?
I have been an adoptee since I was six weeks old. Next month will be the 66th anniversary of my adoption which has never been celebrated in my family by the couple who adopted me or by me after I grew up. I find the celebration of a day that is traumatic and one of loss for an adoptee a rather strange idea. In my adult life I have worked with adoptees to bring about reunion and was privileged to learn many things from those who had relinquished their babies and longed for their return and from adoptees themselves.
When I was fifty I was lucky enough to be reunited with my own mother and in the last year have met, for the first time my half-siblings, my father's other children. It is not easy as an only child to learn to be a sister! They have been wonderfully accepting considering it is impossible for my generation to prove paternity. My sister Glenys is possibly the big sister I always wanted and I relish her involvement in my life...she buys me clothes, sends me parcels, phones me, remembers my birthday and is spending Christmas with my family for the first time this year. I sometimes wonder what our mothers and our father would have thought!
I have also been active most of my adult life in trying to come to terms with my own adoption and the effects it has had on my life and that of my family. There were six adoptions in my wider family, some out of the family have been found, some not.
Adoption has touched my life in many ways and will continue to do so all my life.
Your blog is a vast resource for information about unethical practices, legislation, and corruption in the world of adoption. What sources do you use to stay current on these issues?
I actively research, read newspapers online and am sent links by others who know of my interest. I also read the blogs of others and am grateful for the interaction that occurs between bloggers and the themes that run through blogs which are useful and quite fascinating in how they occur. Through long experience in people work and with adoption a sense develops of when there is an adoption theme running in a story, even when it has not been expressly stated and needs to be winkled out. My commitment to adoption reform and my good fortune in being born in a country that now has a fairly progressive view of adoption also help in keeping me motivated. Retirement is also a factor!
Is there any circumstance in which you think adoption is the "right" decision?
Yes I do.There are circumstances I have known where parents are unable to raise a child or provide a safe, secure, healthy environment. Although a hard decision, it is then better for the child to suffer the loss of attachment and have a better chance of survival. I have known children so abused they failed to thrive, who once adopted managed to lead productive, although damaged lives. Had they stayed with their parents they may not have lived to adulthood. There are no miracles in adoption!
What do you think is being done well in the practice of adoption?
It depends on where you are talking about. I would say a country that has no adoption or very little is doing well in encouraging and supporting families and good child care practice.
What do you think needs to be changed in the practice of adoption?
Any country that still practises adoption, needs to radically rethink why adoption is still available as a way of creating another family where two exist already when a child is born. Any country not supporting families to stay together, encouraging contraceptive practices particularly in the young and maintaining double agendas is doing badly.
By double agendas I mean the sort of situation that exists in some countries where the young are encouraged to think that sex is for marriage, which it never has been in reality, while discouraging the availability of contraceptives and advice but encouraging and promoting adoption as normal and a caring gifting gesture to fulfill the wishes of others.
Anywhere adult adoptees cannot access their birth records and information and allows a group of people to be second class without the same rights as others is, in the light of long practice in other countries, out of step, dysfunctional and running a very strange and dubious agenda.
From your experience, what do you think are the most important things for adoptive parents to understand about adoption?
That you can't alter DNA, there is no such thing as a 'clean slate baby', that loss of attachment is painful and damaging and no ammount of devoted care and love can make up for it. They need also to look very carefully at their motives in wanting to adopt to decide who it's really about and who it's really for.
If for instance they are concerned to save starving children from Africa, there are other ways that in the long term will achieve better results for children. They also need to know that adoption doesn't cure infertility and that if they are infertile they need to have actively sorted out their issues before they attempt to raise the product of another's fertility or parent an adolescent.
What are your thoughts on the permanency of the primal wound?
I believe from my own experience and from views I hear from other adult adoptees that the primal wound is permanent and lasts for life. You can be counselled, have therapy, support, a loving family and make a good life, but the damage never disappears and has to dealt with every day for life. Some days are good, some days are better and some days are the pits.
I'm sure you've read many accounts of adoptee's bad days on blogs and they all have the same thing in common...the damage was caused by adoption. It is hard and unpalatable truth for adopters but harder still to live with, never knowing when you'll be plunged into the depths or by what. Recently one of my fellow bloggers was 'struck down' when trying to choose a card, something so simple, something so hard and complicated and full of significance. It happens all the time and lurks around every corner no matter how happy and satisfying life is.
If you had the world as your audience for one hour, what would you talk about?
Empathy, my pet topic and favourite word. There is far too little of it around and many who have not learned to walk in the shoes of others. If we all were able to be more empathetic, most of the world's problems would resolve. Greed and selfishness result from lack of empathy and are so apparent in our life today, in the way businesses operate and Governments interact with each other. The American adoption industry is of course a prime example of a lucrative operation built on loss and suffering. Would one hour be enough?!
Is there anything else you'd like to say?
I hope in the next year or so to see my Government in Australia apologise to the 300,000 mothers who lost their babies to adoption between 1940 and 1980 and were treated inhumanely, often cruelly and told to forget. I hope too to see the adoptees, the white stolen generation receive their apology. Nothing repairs the damage but an apology is a recognition of the reality of what was done.
Adoption in my State is almost non-existent as illegitimacy has disappeared and no pregnant woman or girl, would dream of giving up her baby. I would like to see adoption disappear altogether in my lifetime and it seems in my country it may almost be possible.
To adoptees I'd like to say keep finding your voices and speaking out until all understand what adoption really means.
To adopters, raise your adoptees with as much understanding, skill, love and care as you can muster but please don't do it again!
Good wishes,
Von
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
This week - Von
How has your life been changed by adoption?
I have been an adoptee since I was six weeks old. Next month will be the 66th anniversary of my adoption which has never been celebrated in my family by the couple who adopted me or by me after I grew up. I find the celebration of a day that is traumatic and one of loss for an adoptee a rather strange idea. In my adult life I have worked with adoptees to bring about reunion and was privileged to learn many things from those who had relinquished their babies and longed for their return and from adoptees themselves.
When I was fifty I was lucky enough to be reunited with my own mother and in the last year have met, for the first time my half-siblings, my father's other children. It is not easy as an only child to learn to be a sister! They have been wonderfully accepting considering it is impossible for my generation to prove paternity. My sister Glenys is possibly the big sister I always wanted and I relish her involvement in my life...she buys me clothes, sends me parcels, phones me, remembers my birthday and is spending Christmas with my family for the first time this year. I sometimes wonder what our mothers and our father would have thought!
I have also been active most of my adult life in trying to come to terms with my own adoption and the effects it has had on my life and that of my family. There were six adoptions in my wider family, some out of the family have been found, some not.
Adoption has touched my life in many ways and will continue to do so all my life.
Your blog is a vast resource for information about unethical practices, legislation, and corruption in the world of adoption. What sources do you use to stay current on these issues?
I actively research, read newspapers online and am sent links by others who know of my interest. I also read the blogs of others and am grateful for the interaction that occurs between bloggers and the themes that run through blogs which are useful and quite fascinating in how they occur. Through long experience in people work and with adoption a sense develops of when there is an adoption theme running in a story, even when it has not been expressly stated and needs to be winkled out. My commitment to adoption reform and my good fortune in being born in a country that now has a fairly progressive view of adoption also help in keeping me motivated. Retirement is also a factor!
Is there any circumstance in which you think adoption is the "right" decision?
Yes I do.There are circumstances I have known where parents are unable to raise a child or provide a safe, secure, healthy environment. Although a hard decision, it is then better for the child to suffer the loss of attachment and have a better chance of survival. I have known children so abused they failed to thrive, who once adopted managed to lead productive, although damaged lives. Had they stayed with their parents they may not have lived to adulthood. There are no miracles in adoption!
What do you think is being done well in the practice of adoption?
It depends on where you are talking about. I would say a country that has no adoption or very little is doing well in encouraging and supporting families and good child care practice.
What do you think needs to be changed in the practice of adoption?
Any country that still practises adoption, needs to radically rethink why adoption is still available as a way of creating another family where two exist already when a child is born. Any country not supporting families to stay together, encouraging contraceptive practices particularly in the young and maintaining double agendas is doing badly.
By double agendas I mean the sort of situation that exists in some countries where the young are encouraged to think that sex is for marriage, which it never has been in reality, while discouraging the availability of contraceptives and advice but encouraging and promoting adoption as normal and a caring gifting gesture to fulfill the wishes of others.
Anywhere adult adoptees cannot access their birth records and information and allows a group of people to be second class without the same rights as others is, in the light of long practice in other countries, out of step, dysfunctional and running a very strange and dubious agenda.
From your experience, what do you think are the most important things for adoptive parents to understand about adoption?
That you can't alter DNA, there is no such thing as a 'clean slate baby', that loss of attachment is painful and damaging and no ammount of devoted care and love can make up for it. They need also to look very carefully at their motives in wanting to adopt to decide who it's really about and who it's really for.
If for instance they are concerned to save starving children from Africa, there are other ways that in the long term will achieve better results for children. They also need to know that adoption doesn't cure infertility and that if they are infertile they need to have actively sorted out their issues before they attempt to raise the product of another's fertility or parent an adolescent.
What are your thoughts on the permanency of the primal wound?
I believe from my own experience and from views I hear from other adult adoptees that the primal wound is permanent and lasts for life. You can be counselled, have therapy, support, a loving family and make a good life, but the damage never disappears and has to dealt with every day for life. Some days are good, some days are better and some days are the pits.
I'm sure you've read many accounts of adoptee's bad days on blogs and they all have the same thing in common...the damage was caused by adoption. It is hard and unpalatable truth for adopters but harder still to live with, never knowing when you'll be plunged into the depths or by what. Recently one of my fellow bloggers was 'struck down' when trying to choose a card, something so simple, something so hard and complicated and full of significance. It happens all the time and lurks around every corner no matter how happy and satisfying life is.
If you had the world as your audience for one hour, what would you talk about?
Empathy, my pet topic and favourite word. There is far too little of it around and many who have not learned to walk in the shoes of others. If we all were able to be more empathetic, most of the world's problems would resolve. Greed and selfishness result from lack of empathy and are so apparent in our life today, in the way businesses operate and Governments interact with each other. The American adoption industry is of course a prime example of a lucrative operation built on loss and suffering. Would one hour be enough?!
Is there anything else you'd like to say?
I hope in the next year or so to see my Government in Australia apologise to the 300,000 mothers who lost their babies to adoption between 1940 and 1980 and were treated inhumanely, often cruelly and told to forget. I hope too to see the adoptees, the white stolen generation receive their apology. Nothing repairs the damage but an apology is a recognition of the reality of what was done.
Adoption in my State is almost non-existent as illegitimacy has disappeared and no pregnant woman or girl, would dream of giving up her baby. I would like to see adoption disappear altogether in my lifetime and it seems in my country it may almost be possible.
To adoptees I'd like to say keep finding your voices and speaking out until all understand what adoption really means.
To adopters, raise your adoptees with as much understanding, skill, love and care as you can muster but please don't do it again!
Good wishes,
Von
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Friday, August 6, 2010
Adoption Counseling
Anyone whose life has been touched by adoption knows that adoption changes you forever. Many people - whether adoptee, natural (birth) parent, or adoptive parent - find the adoptive experience quite different from what they imagined, and they ricochet from joy to grief to self-doubt. Guilt, depression, and confusion are common emotions following placement and adoption, and can make it difficult to feel whole and functional on a daily basis.
Common adoption-related concerns include:
Adoptive Parents
* Connecting your child with his or her roots
* Post-adoption stress or depression
* Separating “adoption issues” from general “life issues”
Adult Adoptees
* Talking to your adoptive family about your birth family
* Search and reunion
* Separating “adoption issues” from general “life issues”
Birth Parents
* Post-placement grief
* Search and reunion
* Taking care of yourself
I understand the unique challenge of adoption and adoptive relationships. I live it. I've learned how to love it. You can too.
Adoption counseling is a guided approach to finding your voice and moving forward in your life. Regain your balance. Get more information about adoption counseling at the Adoptive Parent website.
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Common adoption-related concerns include:
Adoptive Parents
* Connecting your child with his or her roots
* Post-adoption stress or depression
* Separating “adoption issues” from general “life issues”
Adult Adoptees
* Talking to your adoptive family about your birth family
* Search and reunion
* Separating “adoption issues” from general “life issues”
Birth Parents
* Post-placement grief
* Search and reunion
* Taking care of yourself
I understand the unique challenge of adoption and adoptive relationships. I live it. I've learned how to love it. You can too.
Adoption counseling is a guided approach to finding your voice and moving forward in your life. Regain your balance. Get more information about adoption counseling at the Adoptive Parent website.
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Summer Interview Series - Rich Mintzer
Welcome to the sixth installment of my Summer Interview Series. Throughout the summer I'm posting interviews with people touched by adoption. I hope that you will enjoy learning about them as much as I have. Please let me know if you would like to participate or would like to suggest someone else for me to interview.
This week - Rich Mintzer, board member Adoptive Parents Committee the nation’s oldest and one of the largest adoption support groups) and editor of Adoptalk newsletter.
How has your life been touched by adoption?
My wife Carol and I adopted our daughter Rebecca. She changed our life by making us parents. Being members of APC has also given us the opportunity to give back to the adoption community by helping other people as volunteers. We have felt the satisfaction of seeing other couples, and singles, adopt, and in some cases know that we played a small role in helping them form their families.
What are some of the challenges you have faced as an adoptive parent, and how have you responded?
Our daughter had times at which she feels hurt or abandoned by her birthmother, especially when life milestones occur. It is difficult to see her feeling such pain, but we weather the storms with her, assure her that no matter what ever happens we will not abandon her.
What, if anything, about adoption has surprised you?
I’m always a little surprised by how little so many people know about adoption. People have so many misconceptions thanks to the media, but you would think that more people would be touched by adoption personally through friends or family members.
What do you think is being done very well in the adoption world today?
I’m most impressed by the new medical technology used for international adoption. Doctors such as Jane Aronson, among others, can use the Internet and digital photography to help couples or singles adopting in countries around the globe as they determine the health of a child.
What concerns do you have about the state of adoption today?
Too many different rules, not only throughout the world, but here in the United States. The variety of state laws and judicial ruling regarding adoption cases creates too many loopholes for unscrupulous individuals to bilk money from unsuspecting couples, and singles, looking to adopt. Facilitators need to be licensed and governed, as do attorneys and agencies on a national level with stricter parameters that protect both birthmothers and adoptive parents from those wishing to take unfair advantage. Children are not a commodity and should not be treated as such, especially in our own country.
What would you like to share about Adoptalk?
Adoptalk provides updates about adoption and the Adoptive Parents Committee to our 1,000+ member families and to other people who get it at meetings or at conferences. It is our communications tool and can hopefully help people with the adoption information they need.
What suggestions can you make for prospective adoptive parents in terms of fully preparing themselves for adoption and post-adoption?
No two adoptions are alike. Learn as much as possible, do not listen to the nay sayers because it can be done, but keep your eyes wide open. While it’s easy to be guided by emotions, you need to be smart and know when something isn’t right…so you can walk away from a situation if necessary. Also, have broad parameters…nobody will find the perfect child, and even if you think you’ve found one, he or she will grow up with imperfection like everyone else. Post adoption means raising a child, always being there for him or her and dealing with the adoption issues as they occur. Read up and be prepared, but understand that not everything will have to do with adoption, many issues are simply childhood related.
Where do you stand on the issue of access to original birth records?
I personally think that adoptive parents should have access to such records for medical information and that the adoptee should have access at the age of 18.
Is there anything else you'd like to share?
Adoption is a wonderful way of forming a family.
Thanks, Rich!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
This week - Rich Mintzer, board member Adoptive Parents Committee the nation’s oldest and one of the largest adoption support groups) and editor of Adoptalk newsletter.
How has your life been touched by adoption?
My wife Carol and I adopted our daughter Rebecca. She changed our life by making us parents. Being members of APC has also given us the opportunity to give back to the adoption community by helping other people as volunteers. We have felt the satisfaction of seeing other couples, and singles, adopt, and in some cases know that we played a small role in helping them form their families.
What are some of the challenges you have faced as an adoptive parent, and how have you responded?
Our daughter had times at which she feels hurt or abandoned by her birthmother, especially when life milestones occur. It is difficult to see her feeling such pain, but we weather the storms with her, assure her that no matter what ever happens we will not abandon her.
What, if anything, about adoption has surprised you?
I’m always a little surprised by how little so many people know about adoption. People have so many misconceptions thanks to the media, but you would think that more people would be touched by adoption personally through friends or family members.
What do you think is being done very well in the adoption world today?
I’m most impressed by the new medical technology used for international adoption. Doctors such as Jane Aronson, among others, can use the Internet and digital photography to help couples or singles adopting in countries around the globe as they determine the health of a child.
What concerns do you have about the state of adoption today?
Too many different rules, not only throughout the world, but here in the United States. The variety of state laws and judicial ruling regarding adoption cases creates too many loopholes for unscrupulous individuals to bilk money from unsuspecting couples, and singles, looking to adopt. Facilitators need to be licensed and governed, as do attorneys and agencies on a national level with stricter parameters that protect both birthmothers and adoptive parents from those wishing to take unfair advantage. Children are not a commodity and should not be treated as such, especially in our own country.
What would you like to share about Adoptalk?
Adoptalk provides updates about adoption and the Adoptive Parents Committee to our 1,000+ member families and to other people who get it at meetings or at conferences. It is our communications tool and can hopefully help people with the adoption information they need.
What suggestions can you make for prospective adoptive parents in terms of fully preparing themselves for adoption and post-adoption?
No two adoptions are alike. Learn as much as possible, do not listen to the nay sayers because it can be done, but keep your eyes wide open. While it’s easy to be guided by emotions, you need to be smart and know when something isn’t right…so you can walk away from a situation if necessary. Also, have broad parameters…nobody will find the perfect child, and even if you think you’ve found one, he or she will grow up with imperfection like everyone else. Post adoption means raising a child, always being there for him or her and dealing with the adoption issues as they occur. Read up and be prepared, but understand that not everything will have to do with adoption, many issues are simply childhood related.
Where do you stand on the issue of access to original birth records?
I personally think that adoptive parents should have access to such records for medical information and that the adoptee should have access at the age of 18.
Is there anything else you'd like to share?
Adoption is a wonderful way of forming a family.
Thanks, Rich!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
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