Adoption Book Review: Why Can't You Look Like Me?

In my quest to find really good adoption books for children I discovered Ola Zuri. I just read her debut book Why Can't You Look Like Me?, and it's fantastic. Before I move on to her second book Where Do I Belong? I want to give you my review of her first:

It's hard to believe this is the first time author Ola Zuri and illustrator Jenn Simpson have worked together, because they got everything right with this book. Zuri's writing is free and lyrical, with sincerity gained by first hand experience. Why Can't You Look Like Me? is the story (Zuri's story) of an African American girl adopted by a Caucasian family, and her struggle to find her place within a predominately white community. Although it takes the arrival of "another young person who is brown" for the little girl to feel that she belongs, in the end Zuri's character realizes that in fact, she has always belonged - to herself. And with that knowledge she can claim a place for herself anywhere. That's a lesson every child should learn at a young age.

Zuri's delightful storytelling is offset perfectly by Simpson's whimsical illustrations. Her characters are light, expressive, and absolutely endearing. I especially like her uniquely textured trees.

This book is a gem, and I highly recommend it for ALL families and classrooms.

Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
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New Adoption Book Earns Publisher's Awards

If I had known how closely the adventure of writing and publishing an adoption book paralleled the adventure of adopting... I probably would have written the book anyway. The dizzying highs, the precipitous drops to terrifying lows... all worth it in the end.

Many of you know I finished my book last fall, and I've been waiting since then for the publisher to flip the switch and get it out. My impatience was tamed somewhat when I was informed in December that on the strength of my writing, my book had been awarded Editor's Choice by a panel of professional editors. Wow! You bet I coasted on that high for a while, until a fresh round of delays eventually wore my patience to dust.

Yesterday, just as I hit the emotional wall, I was notified that my book had been awarded a second award (Rising Star) "based on the topic and timeliness of your book, strong positioning of your title, credentials, author platform and commitment." Woo-Hoooooooooo!

This is priceless to me because What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective was initially met with considerable skepticism with regard to the marketability of a narrative non-fiction written from an adoptive parent's perspective. The consensus among publishing pros was that there isn't enough of a market. Estimates of the number of adopted children in the U.S. run as high as nearly 1.8 million + their adoptive parents + members of their families + adoption professionals (attorneys, social workers, agencies, etc.) + birth parents... and there's not enough of a market?

I take this award as a great step forward for everyone touched by adoption. We are families, we are parents, we are children, we are as bonded and as permanent as any families formed in any way. And yet, we experience the world differently in some ways. We have been made different by adoption. And it's beautiful.

Make a great day!

Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
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Blankets 4 Birthmothers

I hope you will check out Jessalynn's program
Blankets 4 Birthmothers. She's collecting blankets to be distributed to birthmothers "after they have placed so they do not go home empty handed."

"...after they have placed so they do not go home empty handed." Every time I read that I feel sick to my stomach. But that's the bottom-line reality of placing a child for adoption. All birthmothers go home empty handed.

I've lost count of how many blankets we've been given for our two kids - some new, some family hand-me-downs, some from teachers, co-workers, neighbors... a friend of a friend of a friend. I'm kind of a blanket freak, so I love them all. I've got them stashed in the bedrooms, the family room, the playroom, the car, the stroller, the gardening basket, the kitchen... like I said, I'm kind of a blanket freak.

But the two that mean the most to me are put away in our kids' treasure boxes. The first is a big, soft, pale pink blanket that our daughter's birthmother gave us when we met. It was hers when she was a baby, given to her parents by an adoption social worker. Neither she nor her parents have ever met her first mother, so that blanket represents her connection to her beginning. She wanted our daughter to have it for the same reason, and that's how we've always talked about that blanket.

The other is a smaller, patchwork quilted blanket that our son used during his first few days in the special care nursery. All of the nursery blankets are handmade by volunteers, and most are white or pastel. One early morning I walked in for our son's 3 am feeding and found him wrapped in this vibrant, colorful, really WOW! of a blanket. The nurse overheard me murmuring to him how handsome he looked in the blanket, and from that moment on, they always put that blanket on him. When the hospital staff gave it to us at discharge I cried (of course) because I knew that they knew how much it meant to me.

A little thing? Yes, really, it is. And he and I could have been very happy the rest of our lives without that blanket. It's not about the blanket. It's about near-strangers recognizing the importance of that simple connection to his first days and honoring it... it makes me tearful even now. I can certainly do with fewer blankets in my life if it will make a difference to someone else.

So, I hope you'll check out Jessalynn's blog. You may have to browse around a little bit to find her link to Blankets 4 Birthmothers, but it's definitely worthwhile. You can email Jessalynn at birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com.

Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
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Adoption Poetry From Emily Dickinson?

Have you read this Emily Dickinson poem?
I put it in my adoption book because it reads to me like an ambivalent someone searching, finding, and ultimately choosing the familiarity of not knowing over the uncertainty of what knowing might mean. An adoptee? A birth parent? An adoptive parent? Perhaps.

I years had been from home,
And now, before the door,
I dared not open, lest a face
I never saw before

Stare vacant into mine
And ask my business there.
My business,-just a life I left,
Was such still dwelling there?

I fumbled at my nerve,
I scanned the windows near;
The silence like an ocean rolled,
And broke against my ear.

I laughed a wooden laugh
That I could fear a door,
Who danger and the dead had faced,
But never quaked before.

I fitted to the latch
My hand, with trembling care,
Lest back the awful door should spring,
And leave me standing there.

I moved my fingers off
As cautiously as glass,
And held my ears, and like a thief
Fled gasping from the house.

Emily Dickinson

Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
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Adoption Keynote: More Information

Congratulations, Kristin at Parenthood Path, for being the first name in the hummus container!

In addition to making some great suggestions, Kristin asked for information that I should have included in my previous post. Here it is:

Who will be in the audience? The audience will be a mix of people at all points along the spectrum of adoption. Some adoptive parents, adult adoptees, perhaps some birth parents, prospective adoptive parents, people struggling with infertility, people who don't really have a clue which direction they want to go. Also, spouses, friends, and family of the aforementioned.

Could it be an interactive conversation with Q&A, or does it really need to be a lecture? I can make it both, but I need to open with a compelling lecture.

I hope that helps. Looking forward to your suggestions!

Sally

Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
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Adoption Keynote Address

I'm going to be the keynote speaker at Parenthood for Me's 1st Annual Family-Building Dinner and Silent Auction on April 10th. Having fun for a great cause. I love it!

I don't go to as many fund-raising events as I'd like, simply because most of our money is already tagged for something else. I usually choose to support causes through volunteering or making a financial donation that is more modest than the event ticket price. However, there are some people I would definitely pay a good buck to see and hear talk about adoption. Leslie Pate Mackinnon, for example.

If you're local to the Monroe County, NY area, I hope to see you there. If you're not local, you can still be part of the event. Here's how:

I've thought a lot about what I want to say, and I keep coming back to the same question - "What would I want to hear a keynote speaker talk about?" I'm posing the same question to you.

If you respond to this post or email me at info@theadoptiveparent.com with your thoughts, I'll put your name in a hat. (It's not actually a hat. It's a clear plastic container that originally housed hummus. As soon as I finish this post I'll dump out whatever wooden beads, pennies, Q-tips, or dry pasta my daughter has stashed in there so it's ready for your name.)

I'll award a signed copy of my book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective to the person who's name I draw at random. I'll also send a signed copy to the person who's idea I use for the keynote address.

Erica at Parenthood for Me is building a great organization with an awesome vision. I hope you'll support it in whatever way you can.

Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
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Introduction to What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective

Thanks to all of you who have called and emailed wanting to know when my book is hitting the market. All I can tell you is, "Soon! In time for holiday gifting." I'll let you know as soon as it's out. In the meantime, here's an excerpt from the introduction.

Adoptive parents don't love their children the same way biological parents do. That's an uncomfortable notion for a lot of people, but it's true. We don't love our children the same way. We can't. That's not who our children are. Our children come to us from someone else. They were conceived without our knowledge or participation. They lived in someone else's body, and the most important decision about their lives was made by someone else. Our children carry someone else with them into our hearts, and we love them differently because of it.

Adoptive families navigate emotional terrain that fully-biological families don't have to. As a young child I learned that babies are made in a special way between a man and a woman who love each other very much. Well, neither of my children was made that way. My husband and I have to figure out how to teach our children that sex is a sacred commitment between adults, knowing that some day they will realize they were conceived under very different circumstances.

Nothing about parenting is simple. All parents juggle their dreams, their instincts, and conventional wisdom, and in the end, most of us leap with faith. What's different for adoptive parents is that adoption adds an undercurrent to the parent-child relationship, and every decision we make passes through that current. Everything we think, everything we say, everything we do is nuanced by adoption. When our toddlers act out, when our adolescents experiment with new identities, when our adult children reject us, we experience all of that against the backdrop of adoption. We analyze all of that within the context of what we know and don't know about our childrens' birth families, and we wonder about the long-term effects of adoption on our children. We wonder if we are enough.

Right now, our daughter is perfectly at peace about having grown in her birth mother's tummy until she was ready for us to bring her home. I'm not looking forward to the day she realizes that before we became her parents, her birth parents made the decision to place her for adoption. In the most basic sense, she was in fact rejected from one life before being accepted into another. That's a tough reality for a lot of adoptees. It's also a tough reality for a lot of adoptive parents.

What I Want My Adopted Child to Know is a book adoptive parents can give to their child and say, 'I know adoption is painful, unsettling, joyous, and affirming. It's that way for me too. More than anything, adoption is the way we came together, and I'll always be grateful for that.'”

Wherever you find yourself among the pages of this book, I hope that What I Want My Adopted Child to Know makes your life different, just as adoption does.

Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
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