Open Letter to Adoptive Parents and PAPs

Dear Adoptive Parent/Prospective Adoptive Parent,

Today I came across yet another blog of a prospective adoptive couple using their blog to chronicle their "journey to adoption." Sadly, it read more like an online tantrum.

We've spent a fortune already and we still don't have a baby.

We were matched with a birth mother last year who changed her mind after she gave birth and she refused to follow through. I'm still angry about that!

Everything was set until the birth father got involved and that was the end of it. He was uninvolved for the whole pregnancy and then decided to care after we made an agreement with the birth mother. It's not fair!

I'm an adoptive parent myself. I understand the agony of infertility. I experienced the gut-wrenching uncertainty and anxiety and helplessness of the adoptive process. And I understand using your blog as a release valve; I often do the same thing. However, (deep breath), I don't understand the attitude of entitlement. I don't understand resentment toward birth families who ultimately decide to raise the children they themselves create (How dare they?). I don't understand how you don't understand that some of the language you use is crass and base and incredibly insensitive. I don't understand how you think you will love a child as children need to be loved when you seem to have such a low opinion of birth families.

Certainly, you can use whatever language you choose; it's your blog. But when I read the words below on an AP/PAP blog... it scares me. Seriously. It scares me because it reflects a narrow, self-centric perspective on adoption that I think is unsettling at best and dangerous at worst. I know first-hand the challenges of adopting. I'm NOT suggesting you deny your feelings or just grin and bear it. You need the support of people who know what you're going through.

What I am suggesting is that if you're working so hard to become a parent perhaps you should work harder on expressing your feelings with more sensitivity to birth families, adoptees, and other APs and PAPs.

Words to look out for:

1. Words that refer to the cost of adoption - cost, money, expensive, finances, savings, loan, etc. When PAPs complain about how much money they've invested in the adoption process I want to shake them and say, "I know birth mothers who would give everything they have, including body parts, to be able to raise their children or to have contact with the children they placed for adoption. These women paid dearly for their decisions, and you're crabbing about what it costs you?" You can choose to adopt privately or from foster care if you can't or don't want to pay adoption agency fees. Unless you're discussing ethics and the need for adoption reform, complaining about money is tacky and insensitive.

2. "Deal", "promise", or "agreement" as in "We made a deal with a birth mother but she changed her mind," or "She promised to let us witness the birth," or "She violated our agreement." I'm not even sure where to start with this one. You made a deal? She made a child. She has the right and obligation to make the best decisions she can on her child's behalf, regardless of what plans she may have made earlier in her pregnancy. Hormones, denial, stress, support resources, health... things change rapidly during pregnancy. Most parents waffle for months over what to name the baby, what color to paint the nursery, and whether or not to introduce a pacifier. Please, show some respect for one of the most important decisions a woman can be faced with.

3. "Lie", "deceive", or "manipulate." Even if it's true. Even if you can prove it. Even if it hurts a lot. Assume that it was unintentional. Assume that she did the best she could under the circumstances. Assume that anyone who deliberately deceives you is in a worse position than you are.

4. "Our" as in "our birth mother" or "our baby." They're not.

5. "Want." Of course you want a child, perhaps more than you've ever wanted anything in your life. I get that. But "I want, I want, we want..." makes you sound grabby. What you want is still a part of another woman's body. That's pretty heavy.

6. "Hero." Birth parents aren't heroes. Well, I know some who deserve the title :), but speaking generally, they're no more or less heroic than anyone else. Birth parents make the decision to place because they think it's best for their baby, not for you. It's not about you. It wasn't about me, either. It's not about making an infertile couple's dreams come true. It's not about being a hero.

7. "Deserve." You don't deserve children any more than I do. No one does. It's not a birth mother's responsibility to provide you with a child. She's not a breeding sow.

8. "Pray." Please, please, please don't ask people to pray that a birth mother "makes the right decision and gives us her baby" or anything along that line. Do you believe that God would rip a woman apart mind, body and spirit in order to answer your prayer? Do you really want to believe that? I'll pray with you for grace and patience. I'll pray with you for peace. I'll pray with you for a birth mother's strength and clarity. And I'll pray with you for everyone's health. Please don't ask people to pray for you to get what you want at the expense of someone else. Is that what you're going to teach your child?

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
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Book Signing at Lift Bridge Book Shop

I thoroughly enjoyed my book signing at Lift Bridge Book Shop in Brockport, NY on Saturday, July 24. I got to meet a few of my readers and introduce my book to some new friends. Heartfelt thanks to everyone who stopped in. It was a real summer treat!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
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Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel

Adoption E-Book Special Offer

The best-selling adoption book What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective is now available as an ePub file compatible with many popular e-book readers and devices, including Apple’s revolutionary new iPad, iPhone or iTouch, Barnes & Noble nook™, Blackberry, Kobo eReader, and Sony Reader.

For a limited time the ePub version is available for just $7.49 - that's 25% off the regular price.

Visit http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/16177, select from the available e-book formats, and enter coupon code GU95G prior to completing checkout.

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.

Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
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Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel

Adoption Book Review - Growing Up Black in White

Growing Up Black in White is Kevin D. Hofmann's memoir of growing up as a bi-racial adoptee in an all-white family. When I began reading Hofmann's book I expected to enjoy the read, but I doubted I would find anything new. No stranger to transracial adoption experiences, I assumed his book would be a variation on a familiar theme.

I made a note in the margin on page 5. And on page 8. And on page 13. Thirty-five notes in all in a 168 page book. Growing Up Black in White is definitely not merely a variation on a familiar theme.

What Hofmann does so well is tell his story. He simply tells his story, without activism or criticism or politics, and that's what I found so moving. He writes sincerely and humorously about the joys and challenges of his childhood, growing up, and his racially-mixed family. Other than demographic details, the chronicle of his personal evolution is thematically similar to that of Langston Hughes, William E.B. DuBois, and James Weldon Johnson. But Hofmann's story is uniquely accessible.

The story of Hofmann's childhood is the story of my childhood, told from the "other" side of my black friends. The "black side" that I never saw. His is the story of being black, of "acting white" and wanting to be more black. It's the story of what Natalie and Jamie and Diana listened to and talked about when they weren't at my house listening to Bobbie Sherman and Peter, Paul & Mary. It's the story of how much of themselves they kept hidden from me... without me ever knowing.

Hofmann made me realize that in some ways Billy Council and I experienced our sandbox marathons very differently - he as the son of our hired housekeeper and me as the daughter of his mother's employers - and in other ways very much the same - as two kids enjoying summer in each other's company. Growing Up Black in White has me reliving scenes from the Virginia Beach Kings Grant Elementary School cafeteria and understanding for the first time why Natalie and her mother always sat in the last pew in church rather than sitting up front with us. I always thought it was just because our mothers didn't want Nat and me fooling around in church.

Growing Up Black in White is poignant, funny, and enlightening. Hofmann's decision to steep his story in the ordinary moments of life was inspired. His book pulses with an authenticity that will transport you back to your own childhood. If you spend any time at all there I trust you will see things you never saw before. Because as Hofmann shows, regardless of your skin color growing up is never simply black and white.

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.

Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
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Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel

Adoption - Journey to Motherhood

Yesterday I had the absolute pleasure of appearing again on Mary Beth Wells' radio show Adoption - Journey to Motherhood. Mary Beth is a birth mother and an adoptive mother and we discussed five realities of reunion. As always, Mary Beth was a gracious and enthusiastic host.

Visit the Adoption News section of the Adoptive Parent website to listen to the .mp3 version of the TogiNet radio interview.

Thanks for listening!

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.

Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel

On Tap This Week

I'm taking a break from my Summer Interview Series this week because I need to let some other thoughts and musings out! Summer Interview will return next Monday.

Over the course of this week I'll share my review of Kevin Hofmann's fabulous book, Growing Up Black in White.

I'll also circle back to some of the interviews I've posted thus far and share my reactions to them.

And if I can get my thoughts into words, I'll talk about our upcoming reunion with our son's birth family. That's a big "IF", because... it's always a staggering experience for me and difficult to express.

As always, I appreciate you reading and sharing!

Make a great day,

Sally

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.

Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel

Saturday Author Salon at Lift Bridge Books

I hope you can join me Saturday July 24th for the inaugural Saturday Author Salon at Lift Bridge Books. I'll be there from 2-4 pm to chat and sign copies of my book What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

If you're a Lift Bridge shopper you know that it's a real gem right on the Erie Canal. If you've never been, this is the perfect time to check it out. Lift Bridge has an amazing assortment of books for every reader, including a full-to-the-brim Children's Department and books of Local Interest.

If you already have my book, stop in anyway! I would love to see you, and chances are you'll find something else you "must read" from the shelves of Lift Bridge.

Celebrate summer with the Saturday Author Salon at Lift Bridge Books, 45 Main St. in historic Brockport, NY, July 24th 2-4 pm.

Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book format.

Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel