Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Open & Closed

The following is a revised version of something I posted three years ago. My understanding of and perspective on adoption continues to evolve. I hope it always will.

To spend any time in the adoption cyber-community is to be convinced that first parents (almost) always want more openness than adoptive parents. The majority of blogging first mothers and fathers are eager, sometimes desperate, for more contact, and they’re simply waiting, impatiently waiting, painfully waiting for inclusion by the adoptive parents.

Many of the most vocal adoptees are either craving a deeper connection with their first families or mourning the realization that such a connection is erratic, inconsistent, unexpectedly toxic, ultimately unfulfilling, or will never be at all.

I can relate. Boy, can I relate. Most days I want more from my children’s first families. Most days I starve for information, details, history, stories, updates, and contact. I want responses to my emails. I want emails that aren't just responses to mine. I want pictures of you as a baby, as a child, of you pregnant, of you holding your baby, and as you are now. I want continuity that I don't have, that my kids don't have, that only you can provide.

And yet, I hesitate. I don't ask for what I want. I keep hoping you will read my mind and feel the same and know how to do this relationship better than I do. 

Most days I'm uncertain. Have I asked for too much? Have I asked too soon? Have I gone too far, crossed a line, rattled a cage, cut a tightrope, popped a bubble? Did I step on a crack?

What happens next? And when is next? Is it now? Why isn't it now?

Is this it? Is this all there will be? Is this enough for you? How will I know?

I'm afraid to ask for more because I'm afraid you'll say no, afraid you'll walk away, afraid of what I'll find. I'm afraid that after everything you've given, you'll give even more. For her. At your own expense. Because you don't want to say no. Because you don't want to be "that way." Because you love her.

Was it something I said?

Are you coming back?

Click here to purchase Sally's , What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.

Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
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Anonymous said...

I would have been honored to be embraced in this way by my daughter's adoptive parents; not all of us feel the same, but I do not believe that reaching out to someone in love is ever a bad thing; even if we do not get the reaction we hope for, likely the only thing you will ever regret would be not telling her what it is you hope for and feel. What you have written is very moving and I hope that maybe someday you will give this to her.

Anonymous said...

you should not be afraid to ask, at all. i know there's always the fear that they will suddenly decide to hate you, but surely you realize how ridiculous that is. who could ever hate you? i barely know you, and i can think of quite a few glowing adjectives that are immediately obvious to me. and if you have had openness and contact with them so far, why would that change? you can only gain by asking.

Peternakan Ayam said...

Your article is very interesting, I wait for your next article.


Asuransi Pendidikan

john koman said...

nice topic

thank you

adoptive parents