Very soon we're reuniting with our son's birth mother ("J") and her parents. Rather than continuing to have nearly the same conversation with various and sundry family and friends (eight times and counting), I've decided to post this FAQ for easy reference by all interested parties.
Q: Why are you going to meet with them?
A: Because we told them we would. We discussed it before "J" left the hospital; it's important to her, and therefore, important to us.
Q: What does she want from you? She must want something...?
A: She wants respect. A warm hello. Probably a burp cloth when she holds him.
Q: Aren't you afraid?
A: Most definitely. I'm afraid of what college will cost when our kids finish high school. I'm afraid of finding a lump. I'm afraid of reaching under the house to clear out some leaves and feeling a snake wrap around my fingers. I'm afraid of being home alone when there are Dove bars in the freezer. That's what I'm afraid of.
Q: Why does she want to see him?
A: Uhhh... well, I've never carried another human being in my body, but from what I understand, there's a bit of a connection that develops between mother and child. Don't you look forward to seeing people you were once close with?
Q: Is it legal for her to want to see him?
A: As far as I know U.S. citizens are entitled to want whatever they please. The law generally applies to actions, not emotions.
Q: Won't it be painful for her to have to say goodbye to him again?
A: I'm not her, so I don't know. I'm sure it was no picnic to carry a child for nine months knowing she wasn't going to raise him. She was able to make the decisions for adoption, so I'm sure she can make this one.
Q: So, you don't think she'll want him back?
A: I can't know for certain what anyone else wants, but a few minutes after he was born she told me she wants him to have a stable home with a loving mother, father, and big sister; she wants him to have a better life than what she can give him; she wants him to be safe, happy, and important; and she wants him to always know why she chose adoption for him - because she loves him. He's our son, by love, law, and destiny. She made that happen.
We really enjoyed the time we spent in the hospital with "J" and her parents, and I'm looking forward to our reunion. Baby Boy has come to look so much like "J" and her father... I can't wait for them to see him!
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
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7 comments:
You're gutsy, kiddo. Maybe just a little sassy, too. Loved this post. Quite an eye opener for me to the splendid way the world might be, if only more people were as open and strong and honest as you. But then, your writing always makes me feel that way.
Ted.
Hi, Thanks for commenting on my blog! You have so many blogs, so I hope this one was okay to leave a comment on! I hope your reunion is wonderful!
We are reuniting with H.'s birth family this coming weekend for the second time this year. We also get the questions that you have from Family and Friends. I think the next time I'm asked, I will refer them to your blog. I love your answers :-). I wish I had thought of them myself !
You are so lucky to have a birthmother that wants to continue a relationship - what a wonderful thing for your family, the birthfamily, and most of all your child! Excellent responses to the question. I hope my birthmother changes her mind and will stay in the picture...and I will definitely use your responses!
AS A BIRTHMOM/NATURAL MOM IM SO GRATEFUL FOR ADOPTIVE PARENTS LIKE YOU. IM FROM THE CLOSED ERA AND I CAN TELL YOU THAT YOUR FAMILY WILL BE WHOLE DUE TO YOUR LOVING BLOG. WHEN A MOTHER CANNOT PARENT OR CHOOSES NOT TO SHE WILL LOOK FOR FAMILIES LIKE YOURS. ITS A WORLD ONLY TRIAD MEMBERS CAN TRULY RELATE TO BECAUSE WE LIVE IT DAILY. RESPECTFULLY, A CLOSED ERA BIRTHMOM.
Closed Era Birthmom - Thank you for your comments. I appreciate you opening your mind and heart to my perspective as an adoptive parent. I can't imagine what it's like for you and other closed era BMs. It's a shame that adoption has taken so much from so many while also giving so much to others. Thanks for reading my blog.
I am not one to mince words. Keep your promises, live as a whole family and love openly and freely, and you will have won my eternal gratitude.
I have seen so many fail to do this, I would love to watch one follow through. Trust me, it won't be easy peasy, but it is 1000 times more important than you know.
With respect,
Lori
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