I am never alone. Adoption is always with me. It is between the lines of everything I read. It is on the tongue of every conversation. It is a constant tow.
I have more than once told fake tales of pregnancy and labor, choosing to play along with baby-store staffers rather than say, "We adopted." To say it like that, as explanation to a stranger, seems a violation of something, or a diminishing of all of us - you, me, Daddy, your birth parents - as if Adoption is all someone needs to know about us, or as if knowing Adoption about us is really knowing anything at all.
You say things that leave me breathless, like, "Before I was born I was sad because I thought I wouldn't have a family. I thought I wouldn't have any parents to love me and take care of me. And then after I got born when the nurse put me in your arms, I looked up into your loving eyes and I cried happy tears, because I knew I had a mother forever. And I knew you were the mother I always wanted."
And you say things that leave me floundering, like when I said, "I love that you used so many different colors to make these pictures. They're beautiful! Maybe we can send one to M," and you said, Who's M? Oh, yeah, my birth mother. Should I be disturbed that you forgot (even for a moment) who "M" is? Should I be happy that you don't seem to have Adoption running through your every thought as I do? Should I think nothing of the moment and just move on?
I sometimes wonder if I've lost my sense of humor. Other people see this cartoon and crack up laughing. I see this cartoon and wonder if you will ever feel this way.
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Just confirmed that I'll be presenting two workshops at the 2011 Annual Adoption Conference presented by the Adoptive Parents Committee (APC). This is a big deal to me because it's an opportunity to move APs and PAPs past the romantic adoption fairy tale that sadly, some in the industry continue to promote, and help them "get real" about how adoption shapes the entire adoptive family.
I'll post titles and descriptions of my workshops once they go live on the APC website. The conference will be Sunday, November 20th at St. Francis College in Brooklyn. I hope to see you there!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
She said: I've been blessed by adoption, but still, I don't understand how a mother can give up her child. I could never do that.
I said: You could never do that? How do you know?
She said: Because! I love my kids far too much. I would never do that to them.
I said: Hmm... then surely you love your children too much to ever diminish their history or deny them access to their roots.
A mother as loving as you doesn't feel the need to compete with her kid's first family, change her child's name, or withhold any contact with their birth family.
And - hallelujah! - you're not one of those adoptive parents who tries to pretend that the life and development and attachment and love and leaving that happened before you is insignificant.
You love your children far too much to do that to them.
Whew! Good to know.
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
I Think About Your First Love Sally Bacchetta
She gave you form,
she gave you breath,
she gave you then to me.
She gave away a future – the mother she might be.
She chose to set a different course for the life you were to live,
a life of joy and hope and peace beyond what she could give.
Sure she couldn’t be for you the mother you would need,
she made a choice that broke her heart,
and trusting me to lead,
she took her hopes,
her dreams, her faith,
and laid them in my hands,
and weeping love upon your face
she prayed you’d understand.
She walked away with empty arms and nothing now to show
how very much she loved you. I promised her you’d know.
She’d yet to learn – as mothers will – this truth about the heart: It remembers those who love us, however far apart.
And every moon and every morn
that I have known since you were born
pales in the light of this love like no other –
the light of your first love,
your first mother.
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
PLEASE NOTE: I have friends who never chose adoption for their children; women who had the choice made for them or who were threatened, tricked and manipulated into signing papers. When I talk in this post about "walking away," I'm not talking about you, and I'm sincerely sorry if my choice of words causes you pain. This post is not to criticize choices made. It is for me to find my way through another phase of my development as a parent, as an adoptive parent, as my kids' Mama. I am an adoptive parent, and that is the only perspective on adoption I can ever have. This blog is my place to share my reality. Sally
No matter how I talk with my children about adoption I can't change the fundamental truth that they were de-selected. We can call it "She was too young" or "She wasn't able to take care of you" or "She wanted a better life for you" - all of which may be true - but it doesn't change the fact that she made a choice to not remain in their lives. They were, on some very intimate and primal level, "given away."
And though I've never had even a fleeting fantasy that my children would be unaffected by adoption, lately I find my heart breaking.
What am I going to do when my daughter, one of the most loving, free-spirited, joyous, genuinely kind people I've ever known realizes that She decided not to be her mother?
And what am I going to say to my son, truly the essence of sweetness and light and goodness, when he asks why She decided not to be his mother?
I don't imagine that any adoptive parent has the answer, because it's not anything we can answer. It's not about us. It's about the women who share breath and blood with our children and later walk out of their lives.
This post makes me feel sick.
The weight of loving my children through this realization makes me feel sick.
The idea that they may think themselves "unlovable" even for a split second makes me feel sick. And weep.
I hate that some adoptees do think themselves "unlovable." (My kids never have. Will they ever?)
I hate that some first mothers tell their adult adopted children "Lose my number. I don't want a relationship with you." (My kids' haven't. Will they ever?)
Mostly I hate that no matter how close our family is and no matter how much I love them and no matter how completely I celebrate them for being exactly who they are, I can't protect them from their truth.
It's like trying to rhyme with "orange."
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Recently I returned as a guest on Mary Beth Wells' radio show Adoption: Journey to Motherhood. Mary Beth and I talked about "Adoption in the Media", and I'm sharing a few points of the discussion with you here because I'd like to hear your thoughts.
Mary Beth asked me, "How do you think the media portrays adoption and what affect does that have on adopted children?"
Summary of my response: The media, including movies and television, generally portray adoption as an aberration, and truthfully, it is. Adoption is not the “normal” course… humans are not biologically or physiologically predisposed toward adoption. Adoption was created, not organically instilled. However, it is a reality, and adoptive families have the same potential for love and bonding and affection and permanency as any family created biologically. [blog note: Yes, I am well aware that many adoptees are not raised with love, bonding, affection, and feelings of permanency. Many "bio kids" are not either. My point is that the potential exists for all parent/child relationships, regardless of DNA.]
So, there’s a paradox there, for the media and for the rest of us. How to speak authentically about adoption – that is to acknowledge that it is in some way different, yet not make “different” mean “less than, bad, inferior, weird”, etc.
Labels such as “adoptive parents”, “real parents”, “adopted child” are placed in news stories… but why? What is the value to the reader of delineating the biology or non-biology of a relationship? If it’s not germane to the story, it serves another agenda. It’s like identifying someone as “Conservative talk show host” or “Openly gay pastor”… it may be true, and it may be an important part of that person’s life, but is it relevant to the story? If not, using the label draws attention to the label rather than to the person or the point of the piece. And it begs the question of why use the label? I think too often the adoption label is thrown in simply because it's a "twist", an "ooh, there's some drama there",... it's used to alert the audience that "something's different here."
We talked about that horrible Sony tv ad where a woman's family is trying to distract her during her turn at a competitive game. They try making noises, etc., but her attention never wavers. Finally someone shouts out, "You were adopted!" [blog note: I blogged about that commercial when I first saw it, and that's what got Mary Beth and me talking about this topic.]
Mary Beth observed that "Parents can be over protective of their children. For adopted parents, do you think one of the reasons is that our children have already lost one family?"
Summary of my response: That may be, but really, I’m more concerned about my kids growing up in a society that sanctions any kind of prejudice. Think about it, Mary Beth, a few decades ago words like “fairy” and “homo” were fairly widely accepted as humorous put downs. And before that were blatantly sexist jokes and “your mama” jokes and racial slurs. But we evolved as a society and those things are no longer acceptable in most settings. But for some reason, too many people now target adoption as a punchline. You’d never see a tv commercial calling someone a “faggot” or a “nigger” as an insult. Why is it OK to do with adoption? It’s not.
My kids know they were adopted. There's no secrecy about it in our family. This particular conversation isn't about the ethics of adoption; it's about the ethics of
ridiculing someone - anyone - about their difference.
Mary Beth asked me how I think the "Hollywood adoptions" factor into this conversation.
Summary of my response: I think the media attention is more hurtful than helpful. What we see in the media are celebrities flying around in their private jets, throwing a ton of cash around and essentially buying babies and pawning them off on a team of nannies when they get home. Mary Beth made my next point for me, which is that we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. We don't really know how any celebrity parents or embraces their child's origins or anything at all. But the media paint a certain picture, and it ain't a good one.
The media focus on celebrity adopters is tragically skewed. Rather than judge and sensationalize and stalk celebrity adopters and their children,, the media could actually illuminate the very real horror of international child trafficking disguised as ethical adoption. I AM NOT SAYING that any particular celebrity has bought a child or children on the black market. I'm NOT saying that all international adoptions are unethical, illegal, or wrong.What I AM SAYING is that child trafficking IS A REALITY, and adoption provides a convenient cover for this horror. And I AM SAYING that the media could be a powerful force in tearing the shroud away from this awfulness, but it chooses instead to prattle on and on about the clothes, and shoes, and pre-schools, and diets, and play dates of celebrity adoptees. But that would require actual work and thought on the part of the media and the readers/viewers, so it's not likely going to happen.
You can listen to the whole interview at Adoption: Journey to Motherhood.
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
A few weeks ago I was interviewed by Kim Iverson, nationally-syndicated host of "Your Time With Kim Iverson", about my book & my perspective on adoptees reuniting with their bio families.
As I told Kim, I encourage APs to "let the child lead", whether the adoptee is a child or an adult or something in between. We must realize that our childrens' search and reunion isn't about us; it's about THEM and THEIR roots. Whether it goes fabulously or is a colossal crash & burn, it's the adoptee's journey to take. Or not take. It should be up to them and no one else. Our role is to lovingly support them as we would through any other journey in their lives.
I don't understand why so many APs are threatened by their child's desire to search. You adopted a child. By definition, your child has history that precedes you. By definition, your child is forever linked to people other than you, a culture other than yours, ancestors that are not yours. I simply don't understand why some APs want to believe that their child's life began with them. It didn't. If you're not OK with that, you're essentially rejecting your child's earliest Self.
What do you think?
The interview aired January 28, 2011 on Entercom radio stations nationwide. Visit "Your Time With Kim Iverson" or "The Adoptive Parent" to listen to the interview.
Many thanks to Kim for giving me the opportunity to talk about this. It's really important.
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective, in softcover, hardcover, or e-book formats.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
