What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective is due out by the end of the month. I appreciate all of the supportive blog comments, emails, and phone calls of the last few weeks. Huge thanks to my advance reviewers for your commitment and enthusiasm. It's a very exciting time!
I've decided to post short excerpts from What I Want My Adopted Child to Know once or twice a week. I hope it will give people a feel for the book and give me something to focus on besides looking for my publisher's name in my email Inbox. :)
Chapter 1
I Would Do It All Again
(excerpt)
You know your birth story; I've told it to you many times. But there's one chapter of your story you may not know. It's a chapter that's not so much about you as it is about me. It's my chapter. You see, your birth story is also my birth story, because this mother that I am was born when you were born. You made me a mother. You made me your mother. And for me, our birth story actually began long before you were conceived.
I don't know anyone who dreamed of growing up, getting married, and not being able to have children. I certainly didn't. I assumed that when (if) I decided to have children, one of my perfectly ripe eggs would let her guard down for the most athletic of a throng of swimming suitors, and I would simply get pregnant as women in my family have done for generations. I would have children the regular way, if I decided to have them at all.
I didn't think about adoption much, and when I did it was as a really nice, slightly exotic thing to do. A really nice, slightly exotic thing for other people to do. Older couples who never had children, or people who wear sandals year-round and quit their jobs to become missionaries, or families who fix up old Victorian mansions and seem to collect assorted “children with special needs” or kids from “broken homes.” Adoption was something those people did; not me. Why would I?
After going through a forest worth of tiny test strips I started to think that maybe “it” wasn't going to happen; not without some help, anyway. So I climbed into the stirrups. I consulted the experts. All of my once-private entrances and exits were transversed, transmographed, radiographed, photographed, sanitized, anesthetized, magnified, pulled and pried, palpated, saturated, dilated, inseminated, and evaluated in a series of attempts to get pregnant.
I never realized my own quiet biases about adoption until it became intensely personal. I was angry. I was petulant. I was wounded. And I was painfully surprised to find that I was a snob. It turned out that deep within my most private Self I thought of adoption as a default, a less than, a last resort for people who were out of options. People who had failed to produce their own children. People who couldn't make a family the regular way. People who were desperate or broken. People like me. I didn't want to be people like me.
I resented having to consider adoption. I resented my body for betraying me. I disparaged pregnant teenagers for doing in the back seat what I couldn't do in the sanctity of my marriage. I cried and raged and judged and fumed and after a long while, I accepted. I accepted that things happen the way they happen. I accepted myself and my situation. I accepted that it wasn't really my situation at all, it was ours, your father's and mine. I accepted his perspective and his feelings and his help, and eventually I accepted adoption as legitimate a way as any other of becoming a parent. I began to embrace adoption as the right way for me to become a mother. I grew to cherish the idea and even feel special. Adoption emerged as something self-evident and fulfilling and romantic. I fell in love with the idea of adoption and I began to bond with my child-to-be-adopted-later.
I thought that coming to terms with the idea of adoption would be the most difficult part of the process. Was I ever wrong! The time I spent deciding to adopt was a walk in the park compared to actually doing it. It turns out that adoption is a tremendous hassle. It's intrusive and time-consuming and expensive. Again and again we had to convince strangers that we were fit to parent, while every day brought another story of parents leaving their babies alone in the car or serving alcohol to underage teens. We got fingerprinted and evaluated, looked over and passed up. We gave strangers access to our financial records and our bedroom closets, knowing full well that plenty of biological parents were cruising along with stale batteries in their smoke detectors, pot handles facing out, and wall outlets uncovered.
When you decide to adopt you open your heart to disappointments and near-misses that bring you to your knees. Many times I inched to the very edge of conclusion. Many times I thought, “I'm done. I want out. This is costing me too much of myself.” I finally realized that in those moments when I was closest to surrender I was also closest to peace, and that's when I knew I was ready for you. I knew I was ready to be your mother because I had released my ideal. I had chosen the reality of my motherhood over the dreams of my childhood, and I understood that there was no other way for us to come together.
When I finally held you in my arms, I knew in my heart that I would have waited a hundred years for you. Exactly you. And I would do it all again.
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
New Adoption Book - What I Want My Adopted Child to Know
I've waited a long time to be able to post this post, so please forgive me if I strut just a little bit.
My book is done. Done! Yes, that would be the book I've been writing since our daughter was born. D-O-N-E done!!!!!!!!! I can hardly believe it.
If all goes well, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective will be out in time for National Adoption Month. It will be available on Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble.com, Borders.com, some other online booksellers, and of course, on my Adoptive Parent website.
I'm grateful for the generosity of so many of you in sharing your stories, questions, feedback, insight, and enthusiasm with me throughout the writing of What I Want My Adopted Child to Know. I deeply appreciate every one of you.
Make a fantastic day,
Sally
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
My book is done. Done! Yes, that would be the book I've been writing since our daughter was born. D-O-N-E done!!!!!!!!! I can hardly believe it.
If all goes well, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective will be out in time for National Adoption Month. It will be available on Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble.com, Borders.com, some other online booksellers, and of course, on my Adoptive Parent website.
I'm grateful for the generosity of so many of you in sharing your stories, questions, feedback, insight, and enthusiasm with me throughout the writing of What I Want My Adopted Child to Know. I deeply appreciate every one of you.
Make a fantastic day,
Sally
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Adoption and Breastfeeding
August is National Breastfeeding Awareness Month. Having neither ever breastfed nor been breastfed, I'm generally respectful of, but unimpressed by, the hyperbole about Mother's Milk. I don't dispute the benefits of nursing, but I don't buy into the propaganda that those benefits are only available through the bare breast.
Bonding and attachment - My bottle-fed daughter and I couldn't be any closer if we shared the same skin. Every feeding was intimate and breathtaking, with our eyes locked on each other and her tiny hand clutching my hair. Now and then her rosebud mouth would pause mid-suck to grin up at me, and I would think, "This may be the moment my heart finally bursts."
My son, currently on the bottle, is happy, confident, attached, easy-going, and delightful. His feedings take much longer than his sisters, because he grins and giggles so much he forgets to suck. Nice "problem" to have.
Immunity - My daughter has always been healthy as an ox. She has never had an ear infection, never had a serious illness, and has far fewer colds than most kids I know. Her immune system is strong, her hair and skin are vibrant, she has a fantastic appetite and boundless energy. My son is in excellent health, strong, and thriving.
Nutrition - Our pediatrician (and father of four) has no problem with the nutritional particulars of the formula we use. Good enough for me.
It's become rather fashionable for adoptive mothers (and, I'm sorry to say, some fathers) to breastfeed, and I just don't get it. Why pump and massage and pop pills... when it's most likely that even if you can produce some milk it won't be enough to meet the baby's needs? Do people really believe that bottle-feeding is significantly inferior for both baby and mother (father)?
Am I over-thinking if I suggest that if you're that driven to breastfeed maybe you're not as OK with adopting as you thought you were? Maybe you're feeding something inside you, rather than your baby.
I don't mean to sound insensitive. Gosh knows there's too much badgering on both sides of the breastfeeding issue, and I'm not looking to start any fights. Maybe I'm ignorant about it because as I said at the beginning of this post, I have zero personal experience with nursing.
Or maybe I just don't get it because I just don't get it. Hey, I think people drinking cow's milk is creepy, so I know I've got skews in my perspective.
What is your experience with this? I'd like to know what you think.
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
Bonding and attachment - My bottle-fed daughter and I couldn't be any closer if we shared the same skin. Every feeding was intimate and breathtaking, with our eyes locked on each other and her tiny hand clutching my hair. Now and then her rosebud mouth would pause mid-suck to grin up at me, and I would think, "This may be the moment my heart finally bursts."
My son, currently on the bottle, is happy, confident, attached, easy-going, and delightful. His feedings take much longer than his sisters, because he grins and giggles so much he forgets to suck. Nice "problem" to have.
Immunity - My daughter has always been healthy as an ox. She has never had an ear infection, never had a serious illness, and has far fewer colds than most kids I know. Her immune system is strong, her hair and skin are vibrant, she has a fantastic appetite and boundless energy. My son is in excellent health, strong, and thriving.
Nutrition - Our pediatrician (and father of four) has no problem with the nutritional particulars of the formula we use. Good enough for me.
It's become rather fashionable for adoptive mothers (and, I'm sorry to say, some fathers) to breastfeed, and I just don't get it. Why pump and massage and pop pills... when it's most likely that even if you can produce some milk it won't be enough to meet the baby's needs? Do people really believe that bottle-feeding is significantly inferior for both baby and mother (father)?
Am I over-thinking if I suggest that if you're that driven to breastfeed maybe you're not as OK with adopting as you thought you were? Maybe you're feeding something inside you, rather than your baby.
I don't mean to sound insensitive. Gosh knows there's too much badgering on both sides of the breastfeeding issue, and I'm not looking to start any fights. Maybe I'm ignorant about it because as I said at the beginning of this post, I have zero personal experience with nursing.
Or maybe I just don't get it because I just don't get it. Hey, I think people drinking cow's milk is creepy, so I know I've got skews in my perspective.
What is your experience with this? I'd like to know what you think.
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
Saturday, August 8, 2009
One Lovely Blog Award!
What a thrill to find that Deb at Waiting on Life Part Two has awarded me the "One Lovely Blog Award". I'm truly honored to be chosen by her for the award. Thank you, Deb!
The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15* other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.
Below is a list of blogs I think deserve the "One Lovely Blog Award". They are adoptive parents, adoptees, birth mothers/first mothers, prospectives, and touched by adoption only peripherally, but all of these blogs, and the bloggers who blog them, feed something inside me.
A Mommy-In-Waiting - abundant hope
Birth Mother, First Mother Forum - a valuable, challenging, education
Bloggin...INSTYLE! - Michelle is like a tall glass of cool water on a sweltering day
Cake Wrecks - what can I say?
emily the hopeless - no caps, great pics, and rampant randomness. it's all there.
From The Mind of a BMom - for perspective
If It Takes a Whole Life - because I've built my family through adoption, I grew up in a century+ old house, and I've thrown in the towel on the sanity thing!
I'm a Smart One - yes, she is. And sassy as they come.
Life of Mom... After Loss to Adoption! - sometimes painful, always illuminating, indomitable spirit. Definitely start at her beginning.
Love You Already - I, too, journaled to our "Someday Babies"
Mommy Monsters - witty, well-crafted, and so flippin' relevant
1000 Awesome Things - for mindful living
O Solo Mama - confident, with reason to be
Phffft! - not a blog, but a gifted writer, exceptional being, and cherished friend
Quest for a Lifetime - honest and interesting
This Woman's Work - informative, challenging, well-written
Thanks Deb, for the award! And thanks to my awardees for being there!
Craft your day,
Sally
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15* other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.
Below is a list of blogs I think deserve the "One Lovely Blog Award". They are adoptive parents, adoptees, birth mothers/first mothers, prospectives, and touched by adoption only peripherally, but all of these blogs, and the bloggers who blog them, feed something inside me.
A Mommy-In-Waiting - abundant hope
Birth Mother, First Mother Forum - a valuable, challenging, education
Bloggin...INSTYLE! - Michelle is like a tall glass of cool water on a sweltering day
Cake Wrecks - what can I say?
emily the hopeless - no caps, great pics, and rampant randomness. it's all there.
From The Mind of a BMom - for perspective
If It Takes a Whole Life - because I've built my family through adoption, I grew up in a century+ old house, and I've thrown in the towel on the sanity thing!
I'm a Smart One - yes, she is. And sassy as they come.
Life of Mom... After Loss to Adoption! - sometimes painful, always illuminating, indomitable spirit. Definitely start at her beginning.
Love You Already - I, too, journaled to our "Someday Babies"
Mommy Monsters - witty, well-crafted, and so flippin' relevant
1000 Awesome Things - for mindful living
O Solo Mama - confident, with reason to be
Phffft! - not a blog, but a gifted writer, exceptional being, and cherished friend
Quest for a Lifetime - honest and interesting
This Woman's Work - informative, challenging, well-written
Thanks Deb, for the award! And thanks to my awardees for being there!
Craft your day,
Sally
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
Thursday, July 30, 2009
This Should Go Without Saying
I don't usually piggy-back one of my blogs on another, but I'm sure I'm not alone in my post This Should Go Without Saying.
Please share your own examples. I need to feel part of a larger whole!
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
Please share your own examples. I need to feel part of a larger whole!
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Open Adoption Roundtable: Small Moments
As part of Open Adoption Roundtable #4, Heather at Production Not Reproduction asks open adoption bloggers to describe “a small moment that open adoption made possible.”
We were at the hospital when our son was born, and ever since, I've been secretly hung up on his birth mother's reaction to him. She seemed... casual... almost indifferent. I spoke with her privately and let her know that if she had changed her mind or had ANY doubts about proceeding with the adoption, then maybe this wasn't our child, and we would understand. She assured me that she had no doubts.
And yet, she only went to the nursery (reluctantly) at her mother's urging, and she never once asked to hold him or feed him. I wondered if she was trying not to get attached. I wondered if she felt good about her decision to place him but regretted choosing my husband and me. I wondered if she was on serious pain medication. I wondered if she had mental health issues. I wondered how anyone could resist his tiny, soft, warm innocence and his sweet little head.
I think of her every day for many reasons. As the weeks passed my gratitude deepened, but still, I wondered, and in the weeks leading up to our reunion I was outright anxious and apprehensive.
Happy ending ahead... as soon as she saw him she broke into a grin and reached for him. I got to spend the entire afternoon watching her coo and rub noses with him, make silly faces and giggle about his wispy hair. And best of all, she smiled every time someone said he looks like her. A really big, proud, happy smile.
I didn't realize how much I needed to see that. She gave me so much, but I guess I wanted that too. I needed to see her with him as much as she needed to see him with me. Thanks to openness, we both got what we were looking for.
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
We were at the hospital when our son was born, and ever since, I've been secretly hung up on his birth mother's reaction to him. She seemed... casual... almost indifferent. I spoke with her privately and let her know that if she had changed her mind or had ANY doubts about proceeding with the adoption, then maybe this wasn't our child, and we would understand. She assured me that she had no doubts.
And yet, she only went to the nursery (reluctantly) at her mother's urging, and she never once asked to hold him or feed him. I wondered if she was trying not to get attached. I wondered if she felt good about her decision to place him but regretted choosing my husband and me. I wondered if she was on serious pain medication. I wondered if she had mental health issues. I wondered how anyone could resist his tiny, soft, warm innocence and his sweet little head.
I think of her every day for many reasons. As the weeks passed my gratitude deepened, but still, I wondered, and in the weeks leading up to our reunion I was outright anxious and apprehensive.
Happy ending ahead... as soon as she saw him she broke into a grin and reached for him. I got to spend the entire afternoon watching her coo and rub noses with him, make silly faces and giggle about his wispy hair. And best of all, she smiled every time someone said he looks like her. A really big, proud, happy smile.
I didn't realize how much I needed to see that. She gave me so much, but I guess I wanted that too. I needed to see her with him as much as she needed to see him with me. Thanks to openness, we both got what we were looking for.
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Reunion With Birth Mom - FAQ For Family And Friends
Very soon we're reuniting with our son's birth mother ("J") and her parents. Rather than continuing to have nearly the same conversation with various and sundry family and friends (eight times and counting), I've decided to post this FAQ for easy reference by all interested parties.
Q: Why are you going to meet with them?
A: Because we told them we would. We discussed it before "J" left the hospital; it's important to her, and therefore, important to us.
Q: What does she want from you? She must want something...?
A: She wants respect. A warm hello. Probably a burp cloth when she holds him.
Q: Aren't you afraid?
A: Most definitely. I'm afraid of what college will cost when our kids finish high school. I'm afraid of finding a lump. I'm afraid of reaching under the house to clear out some leaves and feeling a snake wrap around my fingers. I'm afraid of being home alone when there are Dove bars in the freezer. That's what I'm afraid of.
Q: Why does she want to see him?
A: Uhhh... well, I've never carried another human being in my body, but from what I understand, there's a bit of a connection that develops between mother and child. Don't you look forward to seeing people you were once close with?
Q: Is it legal for her to want to see him?
A: As far as I know U.S. citizens are entitled to want whatever they please. The law generally applies to actions, not emotions.
Q: Won't it be painful for her to have to say goodbye to him again?
A: I'm not her, so I don't know. I'm sure it was no picnic to carry a child for nine months knowing she wasn't going to raise him. She was able to make the decisions for adoption, so I'm sure she can make this one.
Q: So, you don't think she'll want him back?
A: I can't know for certain what anyone else wants, but a few minutes after he was born she told me she wants him to have a stable home with a loving mother, father, and big sister; she wants him to have a better life than what she can give him; she wants him to be safe, happy, and important; and she wants him to always know why she chose adoption for him - because she loves him. He's our son, by love, law, and destiny. She made that happen.
We really enjoyed the time we spent in the hospital with "J" and her parents, and I'm looking forward to our reunion. Baby Boy has come to look so much like "J" and her father... I can't wait for them to see him!
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
Q: Why are you going to meet with them?
A: Because we told them we would. We discussed it before "J" left the hospital; it's important to her, and therefore, important to us.
Q: What does she want from you? She must want something...?
A: She wants respect. A warm hello. Probably a burp cloth when she holds him.
Q: Aren't you afraid?
A: Most definitely. I'm afraid of what college will cost when our kids finish high school. I'm afraid of finding a lump. I'm afraid of reaching under the house to clear out some leaves and feeling a snake wrap around my fingers. I'm afraid of being home alone when there are Dove bars in the freezer. That's what I'm afraid of.
Q: Why does she want to see him?
A: Uhhh... well, I've never carried another human being in my body, but from what I understand, there's a bit of a connection that develops between mother and child. Don't you look forward to seeing people you were once close with?
Q: Is it legal for her to want to see him?
A: As far as I know U.S. citizens are entitled to want whatever they please. The law generally applies to actions, not emotions.
Q: Won't it be painful for her to have to say goodbye to him again?
A: I'm not her, so I don't know. I'm sure it was no picnic to carry a child for nine months knowing she wasn't going to raise him. She was able to make the decisions for adoption, so I'm sure she can make this one.
Q: So, you don't think she'll want him back?
A: I can't know for certain what anyone else wants, but a few minutes after he was born she told me she wants him to have a stable home with a loving mother, father, and big sister; she wants him to have a better life than what she can give him; she wants him to be safe, happy, and important; and she wants him to always know why she chose adoption for him - because she loves him. He's our son, by love, law, and destiny. She made that happen.
We really enjoyed the time we spent in the hospital with "J" and her parents, and I'm looking forward to our reunion. Baby Boy has come to look so much like "J" and her father... I can't wait for them to see him!
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
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