Thursday, March 15, 2018

Should APs be there for the birth?


I think not. Ever.

No woman can predict 100% how she will feel about her child once it's no longer part of her body, when she can gaze and marvel and bond in a completely different way.

Every woman should have the privacy and opportunity to reconsider. To change her mind; or not. To weep with joy at the first true understanding of what it means to be a mother. To realize that this is what she wants after all, and that she is enough and that she will find a way to make it work.

Or to grieve a separation she believes she must make and will make and will live with for the rest of her life. To kiss the perfect lips, the feathery brows, the everything everywhere every inch while she can. To memorize the face that she may never see again, that will never look the same again.

Our son's first mom asked me to be in the delivery room with her. She went into labor earlier than expected, and by the time I got there she was already pushing. Her father kept urging me to go in, but I couldn't. A nurse offered to escort me in, but I couldn't.

I pressed my forehead and palms to the door and listened. I heard. I heard her bring him into the world. I heard his first cry.

I will always have that, and it is more than enough. It's more than she has of him, and she was his mom before I was.


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8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you Sally. It's good to have you back!
Carol Ann

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you're back.

Great post and agree with you.

Anonymous said...

I respectfully disagree. Our daughter’s birth mom wanted us there and I would have felt like we weren’t supporting her if we weren’t there. None of her family was going to be there, so we were it. She knew that she could change her mind whether we were there or not. It was a special time in our daughter’s life and I’m glad we were there.

Sally Bacchetta said...

Thanks, Carol Ann!

Sally Bacchetta said...
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Sally Bacchetta said...
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Sally Bacchetta said...

Anonymous - I get that every situation is different. Who am I to pass judgment on yours? Of course, every pregnant woman can decide for herself. My own belief is that APs should not be present for the child's birth. I think it creates a climate of coercion, regardless of the openness between those involved. What kept me outside the door was this: "What if she changed her mind? What if she doesn't want me in there and I walk in? What if she looks at the baby and realizes she wants to be his mom?" I wanted her to have the physical and emotional space for that. I sincerely appreciate your sharing your perspective. We all need to hear each other.

Sally Bacchetta said...

Thanks, https://theadoptedones.wordpress.com/. I'm glad too.