... is Patti of (among other places)It's Just One Hat. Congratulations, Patti, and thanks to everyone who participated!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Calling All Adoption Book Authors
I receive several donation requests each week, and most of the requests are for an adoption book to raffle or auction off for a family or agency fundraiser. Obviously my book reflects my perspective as an adoptive parent, and I often think it would be nice to be able to donate a small collection of books that speak to the variety of needs and interests in the adoption community. Children's books, books written by birth mothers, books written by adoptees, by ?, etc.
So I'm inviting any adoption authors who are interested in collaborating to contact me through my email, info@theadoptiveparent.com. I'd like to know the title(s) of your book(s), your target reader, your experience with adoption, how many books you have available for donation, and any parameters you have on who receives them.
Make a great day!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting
So I'm inviting any adoption authors who are interested in collaborating to contact me through my email, info@theadoptiveparent.com. I'd like to know the title(s) of your book(s), your target reader, your experience with adoption, how many books you have available for donation, and any parameters you have on who receives them.
Make a great day!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Adoption Book Giveaway
Congratulations to... well, I can't say yet. I'm waiting for "winner's consent" before I post the winner of my adoption book giveaway with a link to her blog.
As soon as she gives me the green light I'll post it here. Sneak peek... from what I can tell from her blog, she's a doll. :)
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting
As soon as she gives me the green light I'll post it here. Sneak peek... from what I can tell from her blog, she's a doll. :)
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
The Adoptive Parent
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Monday, March 22, 2010
Open Adoption Bloggers: Interview With Desiree
I assumed I would enjoy the Open Adoption Bloggers Interview Project, and I have. I didn't expect to sow a new friendship, but I've done that too. It's been my great pleasure to interview Desiree of The Mommy Journals. Desiree is an adoptive mom to one daughter, "Sassy", age two. She describes her open adoption this way: "We're in an open adoption in that we have direct contact, know last names/addresses/phone #s/etc., schedule our own visits without the involvement of the agency, and email/text semi-regularly, etc."
Although we've never met in person, I think I'd be able to pick Desiree out of a crowd. She has a warmth and honesty and lightness I think my heart would recognize. Besides, she's so artsy-crafty that I bet she'd make adorable matching name tags for herself and her daughter :)
Enough about what I think of Desiree. You can meet her yourself right here:
Q. Where and why do you blog?
A. I write at The Mommy Journals, though I've had two previous adoption-related blogs. I wanted somewhere I could write about adoption along side of my "normal" daily life as a mom... so you'll find infertility, adoption, and ethics posts intertwined with posts about poop and picking raisins out of my daughter's nose. :) I also recently started Too Busy for TV, which is used to chronicle little crafts and other activities I do with my daughter, and hopefully inspire others with some new ideas!
Q. What advice would you give prospective adoptive parents about how to prepare themselves for adoption?
A. The best thing I did in preparing myself for the non-advertised side of adoption was to listen to the others' stories, especially the ugly ones. The ones that don't necessarily paint a rosy picture of adoption, but that tell it like it really is. That it is HARD. That it is SAD. And not just from the perspective of "waiting gets hard," but that the actual placement was much more difficult than what I'd expected it to be.
I think the most important thing is to just keep an open mind and know that it's okay if you come out on the other side a completely changed person from before. There were plenty of thoughts and ideals that I held at the beginning of our process, and as it turned out, I discovered I was wrong about a lot of things.:) I'm a totally different adoptive parent than I would have predicted at the beginning of the process. I hope I never lose that sense of wanting to learn and grow more, to be stretched in my thinking. Being on the post-placement side doesn't mean you cease to learn new things.
Q. Has anything about adoption surprised you or turned out differently than you expected?
A. There have been lots of things I wasn't prepared for until it happened... and still was left feeling inadequate. The one glaring example I keep coming back to is placement day. I'd read the books, heard the stories, met friends who'd been through it (on both sides), but I don't think anything could have fully prepared me for the sheer weight of emotion I felt that day and immediately after. I didn't expect to feel so alone and hopeless in the beginning. I didn't expect to cry for weeks on end. I didn't expect to be kept awake at night, worried about my daughter's other mother. I didn't expect to so deeply crave contact, in any form, from her.
In the fog surrounding the aftermath of Sassy's placement, I couldn't see ahead to a time when life would be normal again. How could it ever be? It was much like losing a beloved family member, in that it's the darkest imaginable possibility, unfolding before your eyes. I'm not ashamed to say that, among other things, I believe post-adoption depression came into play. I loved my tiny new daughter... but I wasn't in love with her yet. The healing process, and subsequently, the bonding experience took time. There was some outside pressure that tried to force it, but attachment had to happen on its own. Somewhere in my heart, I knew I would get there eventually. My husband was such a huge encourager to me through this. He knew the kind of mother I would be, even if I didn't yet.
Twenty-seven months later, Sassy and I couldn't be any more bonded than we are. She's glued to my hip from sun-up to sun-down (and sometimes after!), and I'm more amazed by her each day. The beginning was rough, but neither of us are worse for the wear.
Q. How did you come to choose open adoption over closed or international?
A. My husband and I chose domestic adoption over international fairly easily. We just couldn't quite swing the expense and travel requirements that generally accompanies international adoptions. We also didn't meet some criteria from a number of countries (for example, age), so this part was a no-brainer. I have a very clear memory from the initial days of reading and researching adoption, and saying to my husband "I can't see ever choosing open adoption. That's when you're basically co-parenting." Needless to say, I've come a long way in a few years! :)
When we actually learned what different levels of openness can entail, a lot of myths were dispelled for us. At the recommendation of the agency we used, we started out pursuing a "semi-open" adoption... and this is technically what Sassy's adoption is on paper. In practice, we run the gamut, from zero contact for months on end, to emailing, texting, visiting, and even chatting on the phone for an hour on a random evening (as happened recently).
The turning point, I think, came with the recognition that this was a woman who was entrusting us with her flesh and blood... and we couldn't entrust her with our last name and phone number? I do understand there are some circumstances that open is not the "best" option, but for Sassy's adoption, it has been. I can't thank God enough for allowing FirstMom to be a part of our family's life. I know the day will inevitably come when my child has questions that I cannot answer, but the door of communication will be open, and she'll have the opportunity for her own choices. What an empowering gift we can give our precious girl!
Q. What is your relationship with Sassy's birth father?
A. In a word? Complicated. BioDad was not involved in FirstMom's pregnancy beyond conception. He was not at the hospital when she was born. His name is not even on her original birth certificate, and it was FirstMom's last name she took upon birth. There have been many hurtful exchanges between them, and we've been caught more than once in the game of "He Said, She Said." It's hard not to automatically side with the person you know and love, but as Sassy's parents, we feel it's so vitally important to remain as neutral as possible. What has been done (or not done) cannot be changed, and nothing erases the fact that he is half of my child's heritage.
We didn't have a picture or even a name for months after Sassy was born. One day out of the blue, FirstMom decided to entrust us this information to us. I was so excited to have just one picture of him to save for my daughter. She would be able to see their matching deep blue eyes someday, even if he was never a part of her life. The months continued to pass. When Sassy was not quite one, we very suddenly found ourselves in the scariest adoption-related experience we've had to date. It became apparent that security was going to be an issue where BioDad was concerned. We knew the adoption was final, and we knew we had done nothing wrong or unethical... but it was still alarming. We had enough cause for concern that we put some distance between our family and BioDad, and eventually the issues blew over.
More than a year later, while visiting FirstMom, we had another unexpected turn of events. BioDad stopped by to meet his daughter (and her parents) for the first time. Sassy was nearly two years old by this point. I couldn't help but think of how much he'd missed out on already. We were a bundle of nerves, but at least I could say that I didn't have time to be worried in advance. All of a sudden, he was just there... so we had to go with it! The brief visit was cordial. There were a lot of nervous smiles and laughs from everyone, all of us staring at the same awkward elephant in the room. He was kind and respectful. He showed interest for the first time in moving forward together. He rattled off a few pieces of information he wanted us to know. I could kick myself now for not grabbing a pencil and paper and doing a full-on interview, but I believed that he would follow through in taking the next steps toward contact. He hasn't. He called to wish Sassy a happy birthday the following week, and hasn't been heard from since. All we can do is hope and pray that he eventually does reach out, in an appropriate manner. I wish I could give my daughter that gift, but it's solely in his hands.
Q. What about adoption is challenging to you?
A. Balance. Balance in everything. Positive vs. negative aspects of adoption. Realistic expectations vs. hopes and dreams for the future. Super open vs. hiding away for a while. Honest and direct answers vs. shielding your child from pain. The joy having a child brings vs. the pain of taking someone else's away. Telling people she's adopted vs. keeping information private. Genuine care and concern for your child's biological family vs. doing what you need to do in order to be the kind of parent your child needs. Talking about adoption regularly vs. just being a "normal" family. It's all a delicate balancing act with the most important person to me in a precarious position.
Q. What are your favorite books to read with your daughter?
A. I love books. I've loved books all my life. There are so many great stories that I can't wait to share with my daughter... but right now, she's two. :) So... we're all about the "Little Critter" series lately. "Curious George" anything is most assuredly a favorite. Dr. Seuss books always out. "Imogene's Antlers," "A Book of Hugs," "Click, Clack, Moo," "Growing Vegetable Soup," and "The Wind Blew" are all books I've read to her in the last 24 hours. We do a lot of reading here. :)
Q. How do you "unplug" when life gets too crazy?
A. If I've had a particularly challenging day at home, I'll hop in the car in the evening and run down to Dunkin' Donuts or Starbucks for a caramel iced coffee or white chocolate peppermint mocha. I love lounging around the house with my husband after Sassy goes to bed. We'll sit on the couch and watch a funny show (The Office is my favorite!), or lay in bed for a while before going to sleep... I read and my husband sits with his laptop. I've also been known to escape to a local craft store for an hour or so, and come home armed with supplies for a little DIY-stress relief. :) I've found these things are better than locking yourself in a closet in the fetal position. You tend to get some weird looks doing that.
Thank you, Desiree, for inviting me into your life. You've changed me by your presence, and I'm looking forward to growing our new friendshp.
Thanks, also, to Heather at Production not Reproduction for conceiving of this project and making it happen!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Although we've never met in person, I think I'd be able to pick Desiree out of a crowd. She has a warmth and honesty and lightness I think my heart would recognize. Besides, she's so artsy-crafty that I bet she'd make adorable matching name tags for herself and her daughter :)
Enough about what I think of Desiree. You can meet her yourself right here:
Q. Where and why do you blog?
A. I write at The Mommy Journals, though I've had two previous adoption-related blogs. I wanted somewhere I could write about adoption along side of my "normal" daily life as a mom... so you'll find infertility, adoption, and ethics posts intertwined with posts about poop and picking raisins out of my daughter's nose. :) I also recently started Too Busy for TV, which is used to chronicle little crafts and other activities I do with my daughter, and hopefully inspire others with some new ideas!
Q. What advice would you give prospective adoptive parents about how to prepare themselves for adoption?
A. The best thing I did in preparing myself for the non-advertised side of adoption was to listen to the others' stories, especially the ugly ones. The ones that don't necessarily paint a rosy picture of adoption, but that tell it like it really is. That it is HARD. That it is SAD. And not just from the perspective of "waiting gets hard," but that the actual placement was much more difficult than what I'd expected it to be.
I think the most important thing is to just keep an open mind and know that it's okay if you come out on the other side a completely changed person from before. There were plenty of thoughts and ideals that I held at the beginning of our process, and as it turned out, I discovered I was wrong about a lot of things.:) I'm a totally different adoptive parent than I would have predicted at the beginning of the process. I hope I never lose that sense of wanting to learn and grow more, to be stretched in my thinking. Being on the post-placement side doesn't mean you cease to learn new things.
Q. Has anything about adoption surprised you or turned out differently than you expected?
A. There have been lots of things I wasn't prepared for until it happened... and still was left feeling inadequate. The one glaring example I keep coming back to is placement day. I'd read the books, heard the stories, met friends who'd been through it (on both sides), but I don't think anything could have fully prepared me for the sheer weight of emotion I felt that day and immediately after. I didn't expect to feel so alone and hopeless in the beginning. I didn't expect to cry for weeks on end. I didn't expect to be kept awake at night, worried about my daughter's other mother. I didn't expect to so deeply crave contact, in any form, from her.
In the fog surrounding the aftermath of Sassy's placement, I couldn't see ahead to a time when life would be normal again. How could it ever be? It was much like losing a beloved family member, in that it's the darkest imaginable possibility, unfolding before your eyes. I'm not ashamed to say that, among other things, I believe post-adoption depression came into play. I loved my tiny new daughter... but I wasn't in love with her yet. The healing process, and subsequently, the bonding experience took time. There was some outside pressure that tried to force it, but attachment had to happen on its own. Somewhere in my heart, I knew I would get there eventually. My husband was such a huge encourager to me through this. He knew the kind of mother I would be, even if I didn't yet.
Twenty-seven months later, Sassy and I couldn't be any more bonded than we are. She's glued to my hip from sun-up to sun-down (and sometimes after!), and I'm more amazed by her each day. The beginning was rough, but neither of us are worse for the wear.
Q. How did you come to choose open adoption over closed or international?
A. My husband and I chose domestic adoption over international fairly easily. We just couldn't quite swing the expense and travel requirements that generally accompanies international adoptions. We also didn't meet some criteria from a number of countries (for example, age), so this part was a no-brainer. I have a very clear memory from the initial days of reading and researching adoption, and saying to my husband "I can't see ever choosing open adoption. That's when you're basically co-parenting." Needless to say, I've come a long way in a few years! :)
When we actually learned what different levels of openness can entail, a lot of myths were dispelled for us. At the recommendation of the agency we used, we started out pursuing a "semi-open" adoption... and this is technically what Sassy's adoption is on paper. In practice, we run the gamut, from zero contact for months on end, to emailing, texting, visiting, and even chatting on the phone for an hour on a random evening (as happened recently).
The turning point, I think, came with the recognition that this was a woman who was entrusting us with her flesh and blood... and we couldn't entrust her with our last name and phone number? I do understand there are some circumstances that open is not the "best" option, but for Sassy's adoption, it has been. I can't thank God enough for allowing FirstMom to be a part of our family's life. I know the day will inevitably come when my child has questions that I cannot answer, but the door of communication will be open, and she'll have the opportunity for her own choices. What an empowering gift we can give our precious girl!
Q. What is your relationship with Sassy's birth father?
A. In a word? Complicated. BioDad was not involved in FirstMom's pregnancy beyond conception. He was not at the hospital when she was born. His name is not even on her original birth certificate, and it was FirstMom's last name she took upon birth. There have been many hurtful exchanges between them, and we've been caught more than once in the game of "He Said, She Said." It's hard not to automatically side with the person you know and love, but as Sassy's parents, we feel it's so vitally important to remain as neutral as possible. What has been done (or not done) cannot be changed, and nothing erases the fact that he is half of my child's heritage.
We didn't have a picture or even a name for months after Sassy was born. One day out of the blue, FirstMom decided to entrust us this information to us. I was so excited to have just one picture of him to save for my daughter. She would be able to see their matching deep blue eyes someday, even if he was never a part of her life. The months continued to pass. When Sassy was not quite one, we very suddenly found ourselves in the scariest adoption-related experience we've had to date. It became apparent that security was going to be an issue where BioDad was concerned. We knew the adoption was final, and we knew we had done nothing wrong or unethical... but it was still alarming. We had enough cause for concern that we put some distance between our family and BioDad, and eventually the issues blew over.
More than a year later, while visiting FirstMom, we had another unexpected turn of events. BioDad stopped by to meet his daughter (and her parents) for the first time. Sassy was nearly two years old by this point. I couldn't help but think of how much he'd missed out on already. We were a bundle of nerves, but at least I could say that I didn't have time to be worried in advance. All of a sudden, he was just there... so we had to go with it! The brief visit was cordial. There were a lot of nervous smiles and laughs from everyone, all of us staring at the same awkward elephant in the room. He was kind and respectful. He showed interest for the first time in moving forward together. He rattled off a few pieces of information he wanted us to know. I could kick myself now for not grabbing a pencil and paper and doing a full-on interview, but I believed that he would follow through in taking the next steps toward contact. He hasn't. He called to wish Sassy a happy birthday the following week, and hasn't been heard from since. All we can do is hope and pray that he eventually does reach out, in an appropriate manner. I wish I could give my daughter that gift, but it's solely in his hands.
Q. What about adoption is challenging to you?
A. Balance. Balance in everything. Positive vs. negative aspects of adoption. Realistic expectations vs. hopes and dreams for the future. Super open vs. hiding away for a while. Honest and direct answers vs. shielding your child from pain. The joy having a child brings vs. the pain of taking someone else's away. Telling people she's adopted vs. keeping information private. Genuine care and concern for your child's biological family vs. doing what you need to do in order to be the kind of parent your child needs. Talking about adoption regularly vs. just being a "normal" family. It's all a delicate balancing act with the most important person to me in a precarious position.
Q. What are your favorite books to read with your daughter?
A. I love books. I've loved books all my life. There are so many great stories that I can't wait to share with my daughter... but right now, she's two. :) So... we're all about the "Little Critter" series lately. "Curious George" anything is most assuredly a favorite. Dr. Seuss books always out. "Imogene's Antlers," "A Book of Hugs," "Click, Clack, Moo," "Growing Vegetable Soup," and "The Wind Blew" are all books I've read to her in the last 24 hours. We do a lot of reading here. :)
Q. How do you "unplug" when life gets too crazy?
A. If I've had a particularly challenging day at home, I'll hop in the car in the evening and run down to Dunkin' Donuts or Starbucks for a caramel iced coffee or white chocolate peppermint mocha. I love lounging around the house with my husband after Sassy goes to bed. We'll sit on the couch and watch a funny show (The Office is my favorite!), or lay in bed for a while before going to sleep... I read and my husband sits with his laptop. I've also been known to escape to a local craft store for an hour or so, and come home armed with supplies for a little DIY-stress relief. :) I've found these things are better than locking yourself in a closet in the fetal position. You tend to get some weird looks doing that.
Thank you, Desiree, for inviting me into your life. You've changed me by your presence, and I'm looking forward to growing our new friendshp.
Thanks, also, to Heather at Production not Reproduction for conceiving of this project and making it happen!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Saturday, March 13, 2010
One More Week to Win Adoption Book
This is the final week of my adoption book giveaway, and things are heating up! Thanks to all of you who have emailed your thoughts to me. That reminds me. I didn't mention email entries in my previous post, but certainly, email counts. I appreciate that those of you who wanted to share took advantage of email as a more private way of talking with me.
Here's a recap of the details:
The topic for my keynote address at the Parenthood for Me (PFM) Family Building Dinner on April 10th is going to be Birthparents: The Hidden Treasure of Adoption.
I'm giving away a signed copy of my book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. How can you get your name in the drawing?
Sign up to follow my blog. (1 entry)
Refer someone else who signs up to follow my blog. (1 entry)
Tell me about your relationship with your own or your child's birthparents.
(2 entries) For example, Do you have one? What difference does it make for your family? How does it benefit you or your child? (or if you don't have a relationship, what impact does this have?) Have your thoughts or feelings about birthparents in general and yours or your child's, specifically, changed over time? In what ways?
Let your child tell me, in their own words, about their relationship with their birthparents and what it means to them. (3 entries)
Buy a ticket for the PFM dinner or make a donation to Parenthood for Me. (2 entries)
There is no limit to the number of times your name can be entered. This phase of the giveaway will be open until March 19th. Good luck!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Here's a recap of the details:
The topic for my keynote address at the Parenthood for Me (PFM) Family Building Dinner on April 10th is going to be Birthparents: The Hidden Treasure of Adoption.
I'm giving away a signed copy of my book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. How can you get your name in the drawing?
Sign up to follow my blog. (1 entry)
Refer someone else who signs up to follow my blog. (1 entry)
Tell me about your relationship with your own or your child's birthparents.
(2 entries) For example, Do you have one? What difference does it make for your family? How does it benefit you or your child? (or if you don't have a relationship, what impact does this have?) Have your thoughts or feelings about birthparents in general and yours or your child's, specifically, changed over time? In what ways?
Let your child tell me, in their own words, about their relationship with their birthparents and what it means to them. (3 entries)
Buy a ticket for the PFM dinner or make a donation to Parenthood for Me. (2 entries)
There is no limit to the number of times your name can be entered. This phase of the giveaway will be open until March 19th. Good luck!
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Happy Birthday, Baby
Little One, someday you will know that the world existed before you.
You will discover that Daddy and I were people before we were parents.
By the time you're curious about who I was before you were born, I may have forgotten, so this is for both of us:
Before you were born I spent money on myself.
I drove with one hand and tried to beat the light.
I had my own bathroom.
I wore earrings.
I was always on time.
Before you were born I had long, interesting conversations with your father several times a day.
I expected parents to be objective about their kids.
I secretly thought Mother's Day was overrated.
Before you were born I didn't know the fastest route to the hospital.
I didn't know how long I could run on a packet of oyster crackers and a handful of smoked almonds.
I had never fallen asleep while standing in my closet.
Before you were born I thought my floors were clean.
I subscribed to magazines.
I sometimes sat and thought about nothing in particular.
Before you were born I thought getting licked by someone with a mouthful of pureed squash was gross.
I wondered why mothers never ran out of things to talk about.
I was sure that most kids had too many toys.
Before you were born I thought I was busy.
I listened to talk radio in the car.
I imagined you with blond hair and blue eyes.
Before you were born I ate sitting down. At the table.
I left the door open at the top of the basement stairs.
I wanted twins.
Before you were born I had more time, more space, and more money.
I thought that mattered.
Originally published as The Olden Days. Sally Bacchetta
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
You will discover that Daddy and I were people before we were parents.
By the time you're curious about who I was before you were born, I may have forgotten, so this is for both of us:
Before you were born I spent money on myself.
I drove with one hand and tried to beat the light.
I had my own bathroom.
I wore earrings.
I was always on time.
Before you were born I had long, interesting conversations with your father several times a day.
I expected parents to be objective about their kids.
I secretly thought Mother's Day was overrated.
Before you were born I didn't know the fastest route to the hospital.
I didn't know how long I could run on a packet of oyster crackers and a handful of smoked almonds.
I had never fallen asleep while standing in my closet.
Before you were born I thought my floors were clean.
I subscribed to magazines.
I sometimes sat and thought about nothing in particular.
Before you were born I thought getting licked by someone with a mouthful of pureed squash was gross.
I wondered why mothers never ran out of things to talk about.
I was sure that most kids had too many toys.
Before you were born I thought I was busy.
I listened to talk radio in the car.
I imagined you with blond hair and blue eyes.
Before you were born I ate sitting down. At the table.
I left the door open at the top of the basement stairs.
I wanted twins.
Before you were born I had more time, more space, and more money.
I thought that mattered.
Originally published as The Olden Days. Sally Bacchetta
Click here to purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Monday, March 8, 2010
Openness Is a State of Mind
I think something's missing from the collective "openness in adoption" discussion, and I think it's something we can't afford to miss. It's this: before it's anything else, openness is a state of mind.
True openness is acknowledging and respecting the whole of the adoption experience. It's inviting in the entirety of adoption and really meaning it.
For adoptive parents it means so much more than pictures and letters and annual visits with birth family.
It means not just listening, but being genuinely interested in what your adopted child has to say about adoption.
It means believing that your child's experience is (and will always be) different than yours, and accepting that even though you love them, even though they love you, even though they wouldn't want any parents other than you, they have lost people, places and things that matter.
For some adoptive parents, it means accepting that even though you love them, they may not love you the same way, and they may want parents other than you, and as difficult as that is for you, they don't "owe" you anything anymore than biological children "owe" their parents anything. Really not.
It means embracing your child as who they are and celebrating everyone and everything that shapes them - your personal feelings aside.
It means showing (not just telling) your child from day 1 that family is a safe place. It means showing (not just telling) your child how how to explore deep, confusing feelings without falling apart. It means showing (not just telling)your child that you're not threatened by their feelings for anyone else.
It means encouraging your child to think and feel whatever, whenever, however they need to as long as it's not destructive.
It means being mature enough to understand that whatever thoughts, feelings, wishes, fantasies, and experiences there are between your child and their birth family is about them, not you.
It means wanting more than anything for your child to live fully and authentically and always with the certainty of being loved.
It means seeking out other voices - other adoptive parents, adoptees, birth mothers, birth fathers, birth family - and really listening to what they have to say, especially if it's uncomfortable or painful. It means being secure enough to thoughtfully consider their perspective without scurrying into the emotional safety zone of "Oh, that's not going to happen to my child." or "Well, they're just that group of bitter, victims-by-choice."
It means accepting that at some point your precious darling child may self-identify as a bastard.
It means never taking responsibility for your child's feelings and never expecting them to take responsibility for yours.
It means having the confidence that children need their parents to have. It means being very clear about your role as Mom or Dad and very clear about the permanence of your family, because sometimes your child won't be, and if you're not either, it's going to freak them out and do some serious damage.
It means recognizing that everyone experiences life differently. Everyone experiences adoption differently. Everyone experiences parenthood differently. It means getting very comfortable with the fact that you don't speak for anyone but yourself. No one does.
Which is why after thinking a lot about what an open state of mind means for adoptees or birth family, I conclude that I really haven't a clue.
Purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
True openness is acknowledging and respecting the whole of the adoption experience. It's inviting in the entirety of adoption and really meaning it.
For adoptive parents it means so much more than pictures and letters and annual visits with birth family.
It means not just listening, but being genuinely interested in what your adopted child has to say about adoption.
It means believing that your child's experience is (and will always be) different than yours, and accepting that even though you love them, even though they love you, even though they wouldn't want any parents other than you, they have lost people, places and things that matter.
For some adoptive parents, it means accepting that even though you love them, they may not love you the same way, and they may want parents other than you, and as difficult as that is for you, they don't "owe" you anything anymore than biological children "owe" their parents anything. Really not.
It means embracing your child as who they are and celebrating everyone and everything that shapes them - your personal feelings aside.
It means showing (not just telling) your child from day 1 that family is a safe place. It means showing (not just telling) your child how how to explore deep, confusing feelings without falling apart. It means showing (not just telling)your child that you're not threatened by their feelings for anyone else.
It means encouraging your child to think and feel whatever, whenever, however they need to as long as it's not destructive.
It means being mature enough to understand that whatever thoughts, feelings, wishes, fantasies, and experiences there are between your child and their birth family is about them, not you.
It means wanting more than anything for your child to live fully and authentically and always with the certainty of being loved.
It means seeking out other voices - other adoptive parents, adoptees, birth mothers, birth fathers, birth family - and really listening to what they have to say, especially if it's uncomfortable or painful. It means being secure enough to thoughtfully consider their perspective without scurrying into the emotional safety zone of "Oh, that's not going to happen to my child." or "Well, they're just that group of bitter, victims-by-choice."
It means accepting that at some point your precious darling child may self-identify as a bastard.
It means never taking responsibility for your child's feelings and never expecting them to take responsibility for yours.
It means having the confidence that children need their parents to have. It means being very clear about your role as Mom or Dad and very clear about the permanence of your family, because sometimes your child won't be, and if you're not either, it's going to freak them out and do some serious damage.
It means recognizing that everyone experiences life differently. Everyone experiences adoption differently. Everyone experiences parenthood differently. It means getting very comfortable with the fact that you don't speak for anyone but yourself. No one does.
Which is why after thinking a lot about what an open state of mind means for adoptees or birth family, I conclude that I really haven't a clue.
Purchase Sally's adoption book, What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Final Call to Win Adoption Book - What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective
I've chosen the topic for my keynote address at the Parenthood for Me (PFM) Family Building Dinner on April 10th. It's going to be Birthparents: The Hidden Treasure of Adoption. Congratulations to Nancy S. for suggesting that topic and winning a signed copy of my adoption book!
It's interesting... most of the topics you all submitted - although diverse - contain some shade of the topic of birth parents and relationships with them. I'm really glad to find such strong interest in those relationships. 42 thanks going out to all of you who participated.
I haven't done the random draw yet, so you still have a chance to win a signed copy of What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. If you already submitted a topic suggestion, your name has been entered once. I'll toss your name in the jar again for any of the following:
Sign up to follow my blog. (1 entry)
Refer someone else who signs up to follow my blog. (1 entry)
Tell me about your relationship with your own or your child's birthparents.
(2 entries) For example, Do you have one? What difference does it make for your family? How does it benefit you or your child? (or if you don't have a relationship, what impact does this have?) Have your thoughts or feelings about birthparents in general and yours or your child's, specifically, changed over time? In what ways?
Let your child tell me, in their own words, about their relationship with their birthparents and what it means to them. (3 entries)
Buy a ticket for the PFM dinner or make a donation to Parenthood for Me. (2 entries)
There is no limit to the number of times your name can be entered. This phase of the giveaway will be open until March 19th. Good luck!
I'm looking forward to hearing from you.
Purchase my adoption book here.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
It's interesting... most of the topics you all submitted - although diverse - contain some shade of the topic of birth parents and relationships with them. I'm really glad to find such strong interest in those relationships. 42 thanks going out to all of you who participated.
I haven't done the random draw yet, so you still have a chance to win a signed copy of What I Want My Adopted Child to Know: An Adoptive Parent's Perspective. If you already submitted a topic suggestion, your name has been entered once. I'll toss your name in the jar again for any of the following:
Sign up to follow my blog. (1 entry)
Refer someone else who signs up to follow my blog. (1 entry)
Tell me about your relationship with your own or your child's birthparents.
(2 entries) For example, Do you have one? What difference does it make for your family? How does it benefit you or your child? (or if you don't have a relationship, what impact does this have?) Have your thoughts or feelings about birthparents in general and yours or your child's, specifically, changed over time? In what ways?
Let your child tell me, in their own words, about their relationship with their birthparents and what it means to them. (3 entries)
Buy a ticket for the PFM dinner or make a donation to Parenthood for Me. (2 entries)
There is no limit to the number of times your name can be entered. This phase of the giveaway will be open until March 19th. Good luck!
I'm looking forward to hearing from you.
Purchase my adoption book here.
Sally Bacchetta
The Adoptive Parent
My Google Profile+
Sally Bacchetta's YouTube Channel
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